beliefmaker - Tumblr blog

beliefmaker · 3 years

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breaking my silence... EMEH

hello!

hahaha its been a long time char. Napadaan ulet ako dito dahil sa pangstastalk ni kenneth sa mga tumblr accounts at pagshare nya ng ‘mejo’ cringey na messages. Although napapadaan ako dito like 2 or 3 times a year hehehehe.

I just want to address something. emeh! Angnostalgic ng feeling while reading my entries here and other texts related sakin. At the same time, very reflective yung experience (char). pero for real, totoo talaga lahat ng mga yon. Pati yung analysis ng Au sakin like “selfish”, “loud”, “boastful” at iba pa. Masakit ba yung mga salitang yon? noon shempre oo duh hahahahah pero ngayon hindi na yay! Yung words na mga yon nakatulong sakin to reevaluate (WAW BIG WORD) myself. EWWW. Thankful din naman ako sa mga natuwa, nagadmire sa traits ko na yon na kesyo gusto daw nila yung kaya ko ipaglaban ang sarili ko palagi ksksksksks. My actions, at that time, sa tingin, ko yun lang kasi ang kaya kong gawin. Yun lang din noon yung feeling ko na dapat kong gawin. Pero na overdo ko plsshahaha sabi nga nila “Too much of anything is bad” (OH DI NYO KAYA MAY PAQUOTE)

I am not trying to justify my actions and character in general at that time. Hindi ko naman rin sinasabi na sobrang layo ko na sa junior high laurence na nakilala nyo. huhuhu i just want to open up ( A BIT) sa context ng life ko nung jhs which i consider at this moment “the lowest of my lows”. Based sa mga sinulat ko noon hahaha diba vague yung message or yung thought na gusto kong iparating pls. Nahihiya kasi ako at that time, pati ngayon mejo, hahah to open up. To let my vulnerability be seen (Tama lahat ng sinabi ni abcd sakin sa new year message nya pero dinelete nya huhuhuhu) Umiyak na man na rin ako nung jhs many times hahahah iba kasi yung level nito. My JHS life was messed up. Family problem ganern. Kung ang highlight ng jhs natin is intrams and high school days, nakisali tong problema na to. At everyday ko syang inisip. Paggising, pagligo, pagsakay ng jeep, flag ceremony, lectures, quizzes, hanggang sa pag-uwi at pagtulog. Pag uuwi, eh di sana nakapahinga ako diba pero yung problema nasa bahay mismo. (Shet umiiyak ako ngayon legit gagu). School ang naging escape ko hehehehe. pero nadala ko lahat ng galit at sakit unconsiously cguro. wala ka masyadong makausap ( si janae lang hahaha thank you sa lahat). Palagi kong nireremind ang sarili ko na everybody got problems pero di ko talaga kaya at that time. I kept praying tho, naka kneel pa palagi until i got tired so here i am now, an agnostic atheist (reference sa sinulat ko na becoming an atheist). Wala talaga akong mapaglabasan ng feelings at emotions huhuhu. mga relatives ko walang imik, kahit manlang support or words to cheer me up wala huhuhu. Last 2020, i cut them all off— yung mga nirerefer ko, even my lola. It feels peaceful hehehe yung hindi ka na nakikipagplastikan sa kanila. Kaya yun nga cguro ( hindi to justifiable pero baka lang naman) feeling ko kailangan kong unahin sarili ko sa lahat ng bagay FLEECE. Mali kasi nasobrahan at nakakasakit ng ibang tao. Put your self first lang ang nakuha ng wifi ko.

2017, when my lolo died hindi ako nakapaggrieve nang maayos kaya i felt sorry and guilty. Puno ako ng galit noon, never akong umiyak hanggang sa burol nya. Imagine noh at that time hormonal teenager ako so ibang level talaga yung effect sa emotional and mental health. Lahat ng Holidays noon kahit mukhang masaya deep inside hinde. Constantly, inisip kung kailan matatapos. Nagattend ako ng leadership training nung 2017 din yon sa may antipolo at manila just to escape again. To forget at the meantime. SURPRISE HINDI MO TALAGA MATATANGGAL SA ISIP. Daming ganap nung jhs hahaha ansama. dagdag pa yung finding, accepting and embracing my sexuality na sobrang hirap.

Pero ika nga ni jolina magdangal, “it gets better” or naging manhid lang ako. Senior high mejo meron parin yung problema pero di na ganon ako mashado affected. Ngayon di na pero at times naiisip ko parin. Yun nga, now, I am trying to better myself (tama ba yung grammar BASTA). It’s one step at a time EMZ. Thank you sa lahat ng advices na binigay nyo. Sorry sa lahat nang nagawa ko. As much as i want to throw jhs laurence away, i’m reminded that it is a part of me. Meron parin yung mga ugali kong yon, pero di na sobra, cguro HAHAHAH pero, again, I am trying.

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beliefmaker · 7 years

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To the potatoes

I could die of cringe writing this

(look forward to another blog which i’ll be writing for you as a grade 10 gold in general)

Darylle Addatu

Your deep manly voice overshadows your pageant like movements. Stay who you are.

Kryssha Mae Andres

I always annoy you, HAHAHAHAHAHA. I can easily read your emotions based on your very obvious expressions. You always judge my dancing together with some of the B-nights, It hurts sometimes, so next time I’ll work hard.Thank you for the sleepovers and for the invitations. I hope you can see BTS soon.

Judee Articulo

The one who, correct me if I’m wrong, the selfish one like me. Let’s try being generous sometimes. You are mostly independent .I always admire your intelligence and your posture. I’ll always remember you as the “tourist girl” , you know what i mean!

Janae Bassig,

Thank you for everything. Thank you for being and the only shoulder to cry on in times of darkness. Thank you for listening every time and in some ways reducing the pains .Thank you for believing in me and for seeing me as good individual. You are the one who will i remember the most. Thank you for the little compliments. I hope that you can make your dreams come true. Let’s both be happy.(here comes the tears again)

Buena Benos,

The kalog , who i always annoy. You are so studious .Thank you for the little things(WAW NAMAN) like accompanying me when i’m buying snacks or when i go to the Math Center which I’m always afraid of or when you help me buy my clothes together with angelica calvo. Thank you also for the answers. I hope you can make your dreams come true except yung kay V( HAHAHAHAH). Thank you for the internet data. Let’s keep supporting our idols.

The girl surrounding with beauty and grace. I perceived that you always accept whatever opinion I say. Always be your kind self.

Karen Bitanga,

You always laugh when i spill out jokes or funny insults. I don’t have anything to say. Always be kind and courageous.

Julia Calbario,

Dancing Machine, I admire your dancing skills it is always on point! You’re so studious and for that thank you for the answers HAHAHAHA . Let’s continue to support and love Wannaone. Always be yourself.

Angelica Calvo,

Your laugh is the one i remember you the most next to the friendship we have since the entrance exam review. You can fight back and it’s so cool.You are good at doing projects like PCBs or DNA models and i admire you for that. Thank you for supporting me and taking my side sometimes. Best wishes to you.

Salve Cardenas,

Sorry if in anyways, i was also a reason. Don’t give up. You can do it!

Christelle Castro

Writing Machine, thank you for translating. You are so generous and i hope i can be like that. Hoping for the best in you.

Kristel Doctolero,

You overreact when it comes to fangirling over kpop and i think it’s funny. They, I mean we insult you jokingly and you are ,most of the time, fine with that, but always remember we say that unintentionally. Be yourself always and good luck with your new found love!

Samantha Durian,

I don’t have any memorable moment with you but, keep on being cheerful together with naiza.

Naiza Ganac,

and again, i always annoy you. When in times i or somebody did something wrong to you, you always choose to be silent( remember when i forgot to bring your certificates ‘cause i left it at home, i know you are a little mad at me).You are cheerful and LAZY. Thank you for understanding me sometime cause we are both leos. Best things to you and to your mom! Good luck.

Editha Guiyab,

I ignore and always stay distant from you . Always be yourself and wishing you good luck on your journey.

Grace Guzman,

The most walwal, OA , selfless and the most generous one in the class. You always do things that give me or us the second hand embarrasment and i thinks it’s so funny. You always makes us proud. Be a fashion or runway model, you are qualified! Thank you for the libres.

Micah Maggay,

Girl full of surprises ( hope you know what i mean).I remember you as the classmate who attend classes when you feel like doing so. You are intelligent and laid back, i salute you for that. Best wishes to you.

Karissa,

The girl who had drastically changes. From a flower to a cactus. I hope this will not hurt your feelings but it’s true. You’re the funniest. I heard that you are having a hard time, but whatever it is be strong.

Nina Matammu,

We fight always and i remember we had “sabunutan ft. wrestling” twice for fun? HHAHAHAH. You have also changed physically and emotionally, i think, correct me if I’m wrong, for the better. Good luck to you.

ABCD Narag,

I feel like everything about me is wrong to you and it’s , in some ways, okay.You always make me feel like on the rock bottom. I look up to you a lot, you can sing, write, talk impromptu in english, manage and you are a good leader. I wish I can do what you can do, but as you say don’t compare yourself to others. Thank you for the advice but, i guess i can’t accept that because i have made up my mind to always put myself, in all things, first. I hope you can understand. I look forward to your future and i always believe in you.

Kath Raralio,

I know you do things that can lose my temper sometimes but i think you have a reason like everyone of us. Stay being so intelligent. I think we are so competitive and it’s up to us to decide whether we mitigate it or not. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for always believing in me and for choosing to support my side because everyday, in the classroom i feel like i’m always alone and that everybody’s against me. Thank you for understanding me sometimes. Wishing you the best.

Shany Salva,

Hello! we always fight and exchange words. Don’t be so sensitive sometimes. I’ve realized this past years you are kind of----. Learn to accept what society is now. I hope your next crush will like you. Thank you for the memories.

Precious Tabbu,

You are so quiet, i think. You are surprisingly so intelligent and surprisingly strong girl. Hoping for the best in you!

Ayra Tamaray

The friendliest and the kindest among the class. You are effortlessly havey , the way you move or the way you react at things. I know that there is sadness behind your mask. Thank you for comforting me everytime and thank you for accompanying me when i said so. Always be yourself and always be happy.

Kezia Tan

The kalog version of maria clara. You always surprise me with you rare loud voice because it's unexpected of you. You chant "chambe chambe" all the time. You can be sensitive sometimes and i dont have a problem with that. More Power!

Jemarie Tapiru

We are both competitive and both grade conscious. We always cry over low scores or low grades, we always defend our scores when we think there is a need too. I know you low key love kpop so much. Thank you for the moments.

Kat Tattao

You annoy me with your unending simultaneous questions when I'm doing something.I hope you are happy now despite of the happenings in the past. Please don't keep the anger and sadness in your heart instead voice it out ,believe me it will lessen the weight. Be happy.

Joana Tuliao

You are the most approachable among the class. I know we only spent little time with each other and i had a little time knowing what's in that pre-school body. I wish the god of height will grant your wish. Good luck in your journey.

Joshua Andal

The mood swinger, the annoying huwaran student. I hate when you say "GUYS MAGLINIS NA TAYO" or when you attend classes we decide not to attend to. Learn to break rules sometimes, be wild, you only live once. You surprise me every time you curse. Sorry if i hurt you. It's up to you if you will take my advice. But I look up to you when it comes to being studious. Good luck.

Cj Andrade

Insensitive, sensitive.. It so cringy every time you try to act cool, the way you walk, the way you talk but if itsmakes you happy i will not bother you anymore. I don’t know your feelings and story so I’ll shut up nalang. Also a thing is you are homophobic, learn to accept what society is now. Learn to love and help.

Andrew Antonio

The genius that my classmates think i want to compete with (correction: I never dared to dream of surpassing his rank and intelligence cause b*tch, who in the classroom can? I'm a poop compared to him). The one i look up to a lot. Sometimes we fight and misunderstood each other but most of the time i think i'm wrong. I find you weird. Stay intelligent (like me char) and soar higher. I'm looking forward to your future.

Kenneth Bacud

Remember when we fought in a span of 2 or 3 months? You influenced me a lot since grade 7. If i would write all of the things i wanna say to you, I'll run out of time. You are the only one in the classroom who criticizes me a lot without hurting me because i take it always as a good advice. You made me realize that being successful in the future doesn't always mean that you should have a luxurious life. I have changed my dream of having a mansion to having a simple but beautiful house, having a job with super high income to having a job with enough income for my wants and needs and other simple things because of you. Thank you for being a good / bad friend even if you don't always wait for me when I have to buy juice. Thank you for the memories.

Ronnie Ballad

The weirdest and ridiculous classmate. Everything you do doesn't feel serious even if in the first place it's serious for you. You are so laid back in studying. You just laugh at your mistakes and doesn't care about the consequences. Continue being like that if that's your solution. Always be happy.

Freidrich Cusipag

The competitive, pahumble and memory card. You are a standing- ovation -worthy when it comes to reviewing and memorizing. From your group of friends you are the only one i am close to. I don't have anything to say about you anymore, just continue what you are doing and good luck to your succeeding years.

Karlos Dayrit

Most of the time I forget that we are classmates or I forget that I have a classmate named Karlos. You are so inactive in class. You are so quiet. I don't really know who are you instead of your name and how you feel. Good luck

Aaron de la cuesta

There is something to you that makes our classmates irritated. You are a commoner who loves manga and anime so much. Wishing you the best, be true and continue your passion.

Daryll Diaz

You are annoying me when I talk to you because you don’t always take it seriously. I remember you as the boy who linked with many girls. Study hard and don’t be contented in almost. Best wishes

Herbert Harvey

It hit me when you said that I’m difficult to be friended with because I hate you and I don’t want you to be my friend. I didn’t realize I was being like that and yes I hate you in some ways but the thing is I don’t decide whether I call someone a friend or not, friendship to me just comes naturally time after time between me, someone and our “samahan” or should I call it memories with each other. And it also goes whenever it wants. You are so serious when you are alone and super hyper and jolly when you are in your circle of friends. Always be yourself. Good luck.

John Roe Matammu

Xena. Sorry for being the antagonist when you talk about religion before, I have learned my lesson. Also I hope you can accept me as a human being. I’m an atheist and I respect every religion. Sorry also for teasing you. Wishing you all the best.

Emil Malana

The clingy and kind of landi one. It’s funny how you talk like conyo. I have nothing much to say about you. Thank you also for the warm hugs. Always be yourself.

Jonard Mallillin

The super sporty one. You are good at singing, you know it’s a joke and it’s a way to tease you when I stop you from singing every time you sing. You are kind of a commoner. I hope your dreams will come true.

Ryan Maguddayao

You are so childish sometimes and kind of immature. You are good at writing and also in academics. I was surprise with your hidden cheeziness HAHAHHAHAH. Take care your ”baby” always. Good luck.

Timios Santias

I know you are always the leader but in some ways your leadership is lacking. You always carry the name of “anak ng pastor” so be one. Sorry if I hurt you in some things. Wishing you all the best

Whesley Pelagio

You are so annoying. You should remove your leader-leaderan attitude. I admire your friendship with your only-girls-circle of friends. You always and so easily lose your temper and when you are angry you always want to engage in a physical fight. Reflect and wear your uniform always, Good luck.

Felmar Portillo

The intelligent, pahumble sometimes, full of determination classmate. Sorry if I always bully you sometimes, don’t forget that in a friendship there is always teasing and fights. You are learning to defend yourself and I am proud of you. Always be yourself, and wishing you all the best.

Yran Villanueva.

Should I call myself a psycho? Whatever I say and whatever I do, it is always unpleasant to you this past few weeks. Sorry if I did something wrong and also sorry in advance cause this blog will end with me saying “ I hate you”.

��i;#

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beliefmaker · 7 years

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Am I the only one who is happy that i’ll get to leave the classroom who is always against me?

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beliefmaker · 7 years

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neng medyo wala talagang nagsulat Hahhahahh

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beliefmaker · 7 years

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a letter

I will not give a cheesy description of you with all of the sugar coated words. (patama intended) I'm just gonna give a letter. February 28, 2018 I'm in a car driving home to Tuguegarao City i think we are in Nueva Viscaya. Buena, Hey there! My (cheat)seatmate. I always remember you as the monotone atmosphere girl. Your face has the same expression when either you are sad or angry or happy , I don'tknow if i am the only one who noticed it. You are a tough girl, I mean like really, it's either you block the stone when it is thrown to you or you throw stone everytime they hit you or both. You always bully me, and i always bully you but even though we always do that , it is like a form of interaction, I am not hurt and i find that cool. I look up to you when it comes to being patient and courageous. You accept a hard task without hearing a very annoying complaint from you. I think you are the most understanding from all of your circle of friends. I know how you can be frank, blunt or sarcastic anytime or even everytime but I guess that's one of your signature marks. You can be honest even if you know that the truth will hurt the people you care about the most. You can tell the truth and not hide the things there are behind lies or leave the ones you love and care most in the dark. You'd tell the truth over and over again, and you'd choose to do that even if it hurts. Because that's what you believe in as the right thing to do. And that's just good because people know that you can be trusted with the truth and that you will never lie which can break relationships. But of course, there's a limit to that. i'd also like to warn you that you can cross the line and go beyond your limits at times and that may not result to good things. You open up the eyes of the people to the truth and help them how to accept and learn from them. So be careful with your words and of course, choose the right times to say them to not really hurt that person or be at the bad side of things. Always be yourself. I hope we can be friends and classmates through the succeeding years. And also Thank you. Lovelots from taehyung nagskype kami kanina. Yours truly, Laurence Castillo Kim yerim's and Kang Daniel's greatest love

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beliefmaker · 7 years

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found out you’re the most disgusting group of potatoes

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beliefmaker · 7 years

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2017 seemed like an unending obstacle bridge between youth and manhood. He was running. He was running while following the sunrise, because sunrise meant hope and hope meant to him as running away from his problems. He was so focused towards the rays that he didn't care about his surroundings. He was happy until he stumbled. He kept running and stumbled again and again, it was like a million times. He was tired. He stopped and cried. He blamed the sunrise. Until sunrise meant to him as darkness, coldness and fake. Fake, The colors are there , it is real but he can't touch it just like a dream. Dream is totally not a reality. Coldness , the colors are warm but he was shivering. Darkness, theres a light but i did not know where to go. He did not like the sunrise, he didn't follow the sunrise. He didn't know where to go. He can't go back to the beginning of the bridge because time travelling is impossible.He felt lost in the middle of the bridge .There are so many roads. He lost himself, was broken watching himself collide. He just want to jump into the river and let the current take him away. there was an echoing voice.It was so loud that it he can identify whose voice it was. It was familiar. It's his voice and the moment it flamed to him he decided to follow it, to run towards it. Tofind himself instead, wether it will end up in the wrong way and regrets or the complete opposite. he finished the bridge and started another one. and looking at it now, he changed a lot. he learned that he was the center of his own world and no one can save him except himself(not the sunrise) he did not find himself yet. COMPLETELY and that's why he was currently running this bridge. that bridge is 2018 and i'm currently finding myself.

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beliefmaker · 7 years

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Here’s to another journey around the sun

All I knew this morning when I woke Is I know something now, I didn’t before

I slept at 2 a.m. last night, an early night actually, compared to other times. And that has got me thinking about a lot of things. 2017 has been the toughest year to me so far. In which I have been the most stressed, frustrated, exhausted. I have been constantly beating myself up for every mistake I have done and I felt as if I have forgotten what true happiness feels like. I have been holding on to fleeting moments this year but it has also been the time in which I have grown the most. And now that it has ended, I realized that because of all the hurdles I have stumbled upon, I have grown more timid and closed-off with thoughts and emotions. Scared of putting it out there, of burdening other people, of baring myself then regretting it later.

So I had decided that since it is already a new year, I would make my own little plot twists. No metaphors, no intricately woven masks of words to cover the meaning of what I will write (okay, maybe there will still be, but nevertheless). Just plain old feelings that I have been tired of carrying. Here goes nothing.

Disclaimer: This is a long ass, emotional piece of writing, and it is not proof-read.

All I know is a new found grace All my days, I’ll know your face

Grace,

You always make me say – “Hayaan mo na yan.” Because really, you are the person that probably caused 95% of the face palms I have done in my life. But then again, at least you have made an impact that big. Honestly, I don’t know if I can write about you seriously. You just came into our friendship and that was the start I guess. You’re a mixture of many things and you can get overwhelming sometimes, but I can always count on you when I need help or a person to join me with the weird stuff I do.

I hate competitions but you love them, and those things clash but we make it work. When you go overboard to the point where you almost die, (like honestly, you almost died 3 times, on my watch, not including the times when I wasn’t there) I would always be the one to anchor you down. And in times in which I’m feeling like hiding in my shell, you would be the one to pull me out. I have only known you for 4 years, but you have incorporated tons in my life, being a new tidal wave that crashed on my shore. I owe you lot though, like a lot of money. HAHAHAHHHAHAHA. Sorry andami kong utang, wala akong pera eh.

Anyway, I know that I have been a bit tough and scary and angry at the world and I always end up being indirectly mean to you in those times, because let’s face it, I’m a problematic person. I’m sorry. But always know that I never really am angry at you, I might get annoyed during my period, but beyond that, I always will be thankful for your tiny, sometimes cannot be understood, ways of cheering me up.

You have not told me about your problems at all, and if I learned anything this year, it’s that everyone has their own heavy load to carry. If you ever need help or someone to throw sarcastic or sincere (which ever you want) advice to you in times of trouble, then tell me. I won’t be angry I promise. Anyway, we might not be studying at the same school next year and I will be in need of your libre and math tips, and maybe I might not be able to fully pay you back, but I really hope that even after this year, school year, our friendship continues, far beyond the 4 year mark. Happy New year, I hope you change what you want you change, improve what you want to improve and achieve what you want to achieve. There will be more BTS concerts in the future, I hope we finally meet in one.

So don’t you worry your pretty little mind, People throw rocks at things that shine,

Andrew,

Our little boy genius, what goes on in your mind? When we became classmates in 2nd grade and heard about the reason you transferred, I was quite intrigued. You are a weird soul, but aren’t we all? It’s just that you take it a notch higher. You make animal and other incoherent noises at random, spouting out your “Expression/Word of the month” as I call it. Working on maths formulas is relaxing and fun to you (why on Earth do you think that?) and your attention gets easily attracted to conspiracy theories of all kinds.

You have brought an exciting quirk in my life, a weird little itch that has settled and I have been used to. But when everyone else sees a boulder of intelligence and maturity, I have seen you break down, and become careless. Going back to that godforsaken event during DSF, your weird quirks got misinterpreted by some people. In this world where they expect you to be perfect, when you are not, I understand. You are not almighty, all-knowing, and throughout contests and everyday events, you have shown that transparently, but people still won’t see it.

And even though it is tough, you keep up with the expectations, I know it’s hard, I believe we all had to go through that, but with different intensities. But don’t ever worry, when you fall a bit too short, when people make it feel like it wasn’t enough, I’m telling you myself, it is more than what is needed. Because the universe is precise and it knows what it’s doing, so if ever you feel disappointed, know that the world is working on it. God always has a plan. Do not take failure or committed mistakes and build your life on them; it will be a feeble base, instead, use them as the steps to your ladder. Up and up and up.

Before we taught you how to play card games, say curse words, use social media, you were a colorful mind that was scared to venture. It’s a new year and though you are my smartest friend, we still have a lot to learn in life, let’s all explore together.

But I stay when you’re lost and I’m scared and you’re turning away I can tell that it’s going to be a long road I’ll be there if you’re the toast of the town Or if you strike out and you’re crawling home

Naiza,

For when you go on board with me whenever I feel like a model of some sort, or when I feel like my outfit is on fleek or when I just need a new banging pic, thank you, I owe you and your high resolution camera. However, for all the times you have ruined or damaged or broken stuff that I would have to fix for you, I think we’re even, you clumsy noodlehead. Sorry for all our occasional brutal and silly physical combats that don’t have reason as to why we do them and our impromptu shabby debates about random stuff that we don’t understand.

I have known you for 10 years, so if you think I don’t know you enough for you to be able to tell me your secrets or for me to not be able to know them already without you telling them, you’re wrong. You have always been seen and [self] proclaimed as the laid-back one, well you’re a fire sign and an INFP, Lord knows you’re more than that.

When I told you and Grace that I might give you a blog post about you as a gift, I was half kidding, but here it is. You grew up pretty well off, at least compared to most of us. All your clothes are branded, even your underwear lol. You had the new updates and you didn’t have to commute every single day, but beyond all that, you didn’t grow up snobbish and you didn’t put yourself up on a pedestal, and that for me is what counts.

You also make people believe your I-have-no-shits-to-give attitude but I don’t. I have seen you fight some of your demons even without telling me, and I thought to myself that maybe you wanted it that way. But I have been in similar situations and I know it’s hard to make it alive alone. I have always been the one to be most susceptible to stress and frustration between the two of us, but that doesn’t mean that you’re not. Sometimes we just settle, because it’s convenient. But at times when new things come our way, we don’t know how to handle it. I have been through a lot of those moments and in most of them, you would be the one to volunteer to carry some of the load for me. Thank you. But what I want you to know is that whatever it is that you want to tell me, or ask me, I’d always return the favor. In most ways we are the same. In the things we like and the way we sometimes are. Always remember that behind all our smiles, it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to not feel happy at times, to feel numb, then so, if that stroke of happiness finally comes, then you can feel its actuality, its wholeness.

I know you seek affection, advice, or for that something sometimes, and I might not the person you want to ask them from, but find it, okay? Don’t hide behind your “tamad ako’s” or “wag nalang’s” because I know you are more capable, talented, and smarter than what you take credit for. I won’t go into what is obvious and what other people think you are because that is the part that I already know well, and is faced with every day. Let’s be braver. We’ll find happiness somehow. Just, whenever you want to say anything, talk about anything, or help with anything, just tell me. We don’t do that enough. Have a prosperous new year, and I hope Tita Haydee gets well soon.

You’ve been good, busier than ever We small talk, work and the weather Your guard is up and I know why

Janae,

This has been a long time coming. How are you? I haven’t been able to talk to you sincerely since what happened. Honestly, I didn’t know what happened, never understood it, but what’s done is done. You might be surprised that I decided to do this; me too. I was very unsure of what I will say because really, there was such a big blur of events and time went faster before I could catch up. We have shared a lot of memories. Happy ones, sad ones, frustrating ones, hilarious ones and some that I can’t exactly pinpoint what.

You are a Cancer and I am too. I know how are kind is. We tend to be a bit more emotional than other signs and I am sorry during the times in which I couldn’t be there to comfort you anymore. The wall has been casted and I want to break it down. I know you have a kind heart, so whatever it is that I have done, please forgive me, and I whatever it is that you or other people might think you have done to me, to us, it was already forgotten and forgiven.

Things are better now, but not like they were before; perhaps they never will be. But always remember all the times. Cherish all of them, and keep making new ones. Thank you for all that we’ve made, and I’ll look forward to more. Take care of the love that is given to you, (ahem) use it as an inspiration for you both, you are still quite young, wag gumawa ng mga bagay ng wala sa oras. Happy New Year!

The way you move is like a full on rainstorm And I’m But you’re a house of cards

Laurence,

To be honest, it’s weird doing this. I just kinda had the urge to do it. More than any other year, 2017 is when you have unconsciously taught me a twisted summary of who you are. I might be wrong, I might be right, but I hope I will be able to reach out to you a little bit.

You tend to leave your mark and it doesn’t matter if it is good or bad, you just make sure you do. You take problems at heart and each time you do, its doors close a tiny bit more. Please remember that kindness is not equal to weakness, and handing it over does not mean you are not strong. Life is not a one-way street in which you just take what you want then move on. You will meet people that will hurt you, trip you, but you will also meet people who are willing to join you in the journey. Remember to appreciate them, because they might leave if you don’t.

You are loved, we all are. Sometimes, even I can’t believe that but just trust me on this one. You tend to say sharp words, do rash things to cover up your need for kindness, for care, for advice, for love but those ways do not help you at all. Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. If you want to achieve and reap the better things in life, then learn to practice them yourself; love starts from within you. Allow yourself to fall, feel, be destroyed, then build yourself back up again with the new resources you have gathered, because we all need change every once in a while, don’t be afraid of it.

Take a look around and truly, whole-heartedly observe everyone. We all get hurt, we all cry, we all want attention, so don’t blame yourself for feeling that way. The bad things in life are a constant, but so are the good ones. Stop encapsulating yourself in pity, or hurt, or hate. Stop believing the unrealistic standards to perfection. You do not need the affirmation and permission of others in order to find happiness.

The most important thing though is that what you are looking for is not tangible, and it cannot be consumed. Give as much as you can and the world will give it back. I promise. Karma is good and true. You will not always have the solution to your problems right when you need them, so sometimes you have to make it yourself. Do not be scared to feel vulnerable, ask help if you need to. You have talent, you have the drive, just keep learning, keep going. Take advantage of the new year!

I’ve been spending the last eight months Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again

To all the people who have made me feel happy, sad, frustrated, better, angry, worthless, loved,

Thank you for everything. I am a better person than I was last year. Let’s learn new things while making our way around the sun again. Even though I have not written you a personal letter, I hope you know that I am so grateful for what you have contributed in my life so far. I wish you will have an eventful and prosperous new year!

All subtitles are from various T.S. songs

Na keri natin ang 2017, kakayanin ang 2018.

- ABCD

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beliefmaker · 7 years

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naiyaq ako wth

When you truly care for someone, your feelings never change because it is the mind that gets angry but the heart sill cares.

Scrolling down my news feed in a warm and sunny day is a perfect example of a bask. But seems like I stand to be corrected. I guess its not perfect. Not as perfect as before.

Have you ever felt of lying down, feeling and claiming that everything is fine but something is bothering you inside?

Everything was perfectly fine until I saw a post a year ago. Two girls who used to be almost sisters, who used to be very close to each other and who use to be bestfriends. USED TO BE.

Im with someone with the brightest of eyes, smartest of minds, wildest of dreams, kindest of heart and above all I am with someone who taught me that life wasnt just what it looks like but rather a portrait made out of bits and pieces of wonders and colors.

Thank you for making me feel special even if I am not. Making me happy whenever I feel Im not. Thank you for letting me the person who I am and thank you for being my friend.

I just miss the old times when we used to talk everydayeven until 2 in the morning . You never got tired of my weird dreams and realizations. I’ll miss and thank you for the every seconds of time we had as bestfriends but I guess, Im starting to believe that forever doesnt really exist at all. Because ours didnt.

It pains me to see you with someone else just because of something in the past that broke everything into pieces. But I guess youre happier now cause I know your smiles are wider than ours.

I hope youll find forgiveness in your heart my friend. Until then I’ll smile to hide the truth that were happier with you. Happy new year😊

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beliefmaker · 7 years

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thank you

So this is a message to myself, and everyone of you guys whose life is currently a potato… With that being said, this game gave me the feels, man.

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beliefmaker · 7 years

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becoming an atheist

I LOVED YOU Retro cd's and remote control cars reminds me of you or the stinging sensation of my bloody feet that i got when i ranaway at midnight. I remember you as the fairies at pixie hollow, doing everything happily and not feeling tired. I remember you as the sky that i always look up to. You were everything, the droplets of tears and echoing moans in the x-ray room and purple-almost-black marks on may painful legs. You were loving, you were faithful and i guess until now, but not as exactly as before UNTIL I HATED YOU i hated every corner of you it all started with (i dont f-ing know) maybe the series of messages. that turned every single crapping thing upside down and everything was ruined. I thought that maybe this was just a phase but it feels like it's forever. I MISSED YOU I did everything i can. i want to kill myself. (this is all i can write ma'am, may you have a happy new year.) (the title is totally not related to my entry)

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beliefmaker · 7 years

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hey 3 consecutive years with shit christmas. Atleast not as bad as the previous one. I'm okay.

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beliefmaker · 7 years

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i didn't know if it was the make faces or the words that hit me hard. i didn't know such words until it came crashing to me like a train rushing with the sound of its horn. i didn't know such words brought all the monsters.(here they are again) I didn't know, i froze up , next thing i knew the world ate me whole. They form tears playing inside my brain whispering and laughing and i'm crying. " i don't deserve happiness" " no one cared" i want to take pills "then he took away what makes me happy" "he is the reason" " i hate you" " stereotypes and lies" i want to die. i was walking . i felt selfless. it was the crying on the comfort rooms or the crying behind the group of people which i call classmates. it was the gentle tap of a hand in my back or the repition of "sorry" beside me. and for the first time since, i heard "are you okay" it was simple but it was the most thruthful. it happened on the green bench in the electronics room. it was soothing.

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beliefmaker · 7 years

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inked fingernails

" We shouldn't only blame the public officials. We should only blame ourselves because we elected them knowing that they are crooks"

I could vividly remember what Lawyer Lorna Kapunan said on an interview on abs-cbn News Channel. This hit me when i realized that this is true. How is it that we nominate or even elect those who we already know their personalities and supposed, we do not like how they handle and manage their duties and responsibilities?

We can't deny the realities we hear, see and feel everyday. We can't deny the fact that if we ask ourselves if we have a majority of honest , selfless, and competent politicians leading our country today , the answer is a sharp NO. Our former presidents are impeached and some are even imprisoned. Senators are acused in plunder and our congress have a difficulty to earn trust from us. Corruption is definitely rampant in our country.

This is the truth that we must accept and must give attention to. Most Filipinos elect politicians who are not worthy to seat on the government and are not qualified to lead the nation. Most of filipino voters elect politicians based on foolish reasons. Although there are filipinos who make wise decisions on who to vote , these votes don't help the majority to win the elections , they are outnumbered by votes made by lies.

It is a democratic country and it's people choose who they want to be the leader of this nation. Of course there are responsible politicians out there but the polar opposites are more than them so when there are no more to choose from and give their vote to, filipinos allow corrupt politicians in lead. There are many reasons on why filipinos allow it and i think some of this are half acceptable for me, there's no more way out.

Filipinos vote for money. Because of severe need for money , the needy choose to have a day with the money they got from vote buying without having a good details of who they are voting resulting into giving up the nation's future.

The public also votes for popularity, whether they're actors or athletes and this is also one of the issues i doubt, they vote popular personalities even if they knew they don't deserve to be , it's disgusting.

Most vote for politicians who grew or served in their place , certainly their province or region because they believe that the politician can help them and their place the most . Some vote based on the surveys and what they heard from the majority and some vote uncertainly , they didn't do further research and just take a wild guess.

But the issue my eyes focused on is the public being blinded by the speeches and promises the politicians make. Even if the people knew that they're corrupt during their past activities they keep on believing on the lies of politicians. They believe on the promises they swore and they vote based on the best promise. They believe in the what so called "CHANGE" by the politician and the result? when that politician take a seat from the government , the public keep making complaints about the how they handle their duties and responsibilities. The public swallowed their own voting ballots.

I myself believe that if an individual made a mistake, they will continue to make that mistake. I believe in change but in every rule there's an exemption.

I hope that the future voters should make a wise decision and give justice and truthful meaning to the ink on their fingernails. Anyways it's the future of the nation and it's people

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