beingangelicus

[beingangelicus]

"I rarely reach out to anyone... but why do I have the audacity to feel lonely whenever I see them hanging out together."

[beingangelicus]

This is for the people who didn’t party in their teens and twenties. For the people who didn’t have that “coming of age” movie experience with shenanigans and revelations. This is for the people who mostly keep to themselves. Who maybe prefer things to be quieter and gentler. This is for the people who don’t feel like they belong in a culture that values loud parties and flashing lights. I see you. And you are valid.

[beingangelicus]

"Just because you're unhappy, doesn't mean you should quit," they said.

"Maybe just being unhappy is enough for me to quit," I replied.

[beingangelicus]

Blackout poetry using Kim Namjoon's (RM of BTS) letter for their 11th debut anniversary.

[beingangelicus]

"Let it once be me..."

- Prophecy, Taylor Swift

[beingangelicus]

“You often feel tired, not because you’ve done too much, but because you’ve done too little of what sparks a light in you.”

— Unknown

[beingangelicus]

"I want to love him as a friend first before loving him as my lover."

I have never been in a relationship. At my current age, people around me are starting to pester me with questions about why don't I have a boyfriend yet, on why am I not making an effort to find my very first romantic partner. I mean, I get where they're coming from. I'm already finished with college and I am currently employed so the next ideal thing for me to do is to find someone whom I can spend the rest of my life with.

Last year, I made the biggest effort by trying to talk to someone with the hopes that I could finally meet my first-ever romantic relationship. We talked for more than a month and even met once. But after all that talking to try and get to know each other, I realized that I was not ready to form a romantic relationship with that person, so I ended things with him and instead offered him friendship.

In that short time, I realized that I do not want to have a romantic relationship with someone if I met that person with the sole purpose of having a relationship with him. It felt burdensome to me. I kept having thoughts like "Ah, this person is my prospective boyfriend so I really need to make an effort to get to know him properly", "I must always be on my best behavior or else he will get disappointed in me", "If he does some flirting, I must flirt back to keep the atmosphere right". I just can't do it. It felt like a job to me (although I know that a relationship is a kind of a responsibility, I don't want that responsibility to be so heavy).

That is why after that experience of mine, I promise myself that if the time when I am fully ready to commit to a romantic relationship comes, I want to meet that person as a friend first without thinking ahead of myself that he could be my lover. I want to love him as a friend first before loving him as my lover.

[beingangelicus]

"I guess I'll never find a love like that"

I am a big fan of romance as a theme. I love watching films and shows that show different perspectives on love, regardless if they're cheesy, heartbreaking, tragic, or just wholesome types of love. I love them so much because they make me feel less lonely... they make me feel a little bit more hopeful about the idea of love ㅡ the idea of being loved and loving someone.

However, there is this saying that love and hate share a thin line between each other. As much as I love watching them (romance-themed movies), I cannot help but also feel hate towards them. I hate them in the sense that watching them slaps me back into reality where I have to accept the fact that I will never experience love like that... that despite my yearning for true love, it won't come to me no matter how hard I try and wait.

I mean, I'm not putting the total blame on them. I guess I am more frustrated with myself and how I approach things in life. I don't make the necessary effort to find the true romantic love that I'm looking for... so it's really a me-problem. So yeah, I guess I will just have to prepare myself on how to live the "love-less" life that is coming towards me.

[beingangelicus]

Still Here

Whenever I get stressed and burnt out, I always utter to myself the words "I give up" and "I don't wanna do this anymore"... yet even after saying them for millions of times already, I'm still here.

[beingangelicus]

I'm afraid of change

(feat. my incoherent flow of thoughts)

They say that change is inevitable... that everyone and everything around will change at some point. They say that change is normal, it's part of our lives, and thatse should not be afraid of it... but I'm so fcking afraid of change.

I just want to live a life where everything is following a certain pace that makes sense to me. I just want to live a life where I am not expected to always be ready for whatever that might come my way.

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They say that, in order for you to grow, you must learn how to step outside your comfort zone and don't be afraid to take risks and try new things. But what if I don't want to do that?

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I'm the type of person who likes following a routine because I believe that it's efficient and it makes my life so much easier. Whenever I encounter something new, I try my best to always think of ways how I can develop a routine out of that new thing.

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[beingangelicus]

the return

Uhmmm... hi?

It's been so long since the last time I accessed my Tumblr account. It was around 2020 or 2021 when I last accessed this account to post some stuff for the sake of an academic requirement in one of my classes in college.

Since then, so many things have happened in my life. I am now at a point where I have become someone... someone whom my past self couldn't imagine I would be.

So why am I here again? I don't really have the exact answer for that. But what I'm sure of is that I want a place where I can write my thoughts freely and anonymously... free from the eyes of judgmental people that I know in real life.

So yeah, I'll try my best to write here consistently.