being-vigorous

[being-vigorous]

Hi,

This is my first blog. It’s 1:20 at night. I was working on my college assignment and I started feeling weak, my hands are shaking and it’s hard for me to hold a pen and write. I googled the symptoms and realized it is because of my anxiety levels. It’s strange for me having anxiety because I never felt it before or if I did, I never noticed. Maybe it was never so strong before. 

I can’t share it with anyone in my family because instead of making me feel good, they’ll start blaming me only. Instead of sitting and talking to me, they’ll take it in the wrong way. I want them to understand me but I can’t make them do so. And that’s the reason I am here. 

I am back in my home (which I would rather not call home, because of some reason. I’ll tell you some other time) after my graduation. I am currently doing masters and because of the COVID situation, all the classes are going online. It’s hard being here and trying to focus on studies. Every now and then listening about how girls should live and behave and listening to “zayada padha likha kar galti kar di” (We’ve done wrong by letting you study). I feel bad listening to such things even when I try not to give my mother a single reason to be mad at me, I do my dishes, I clean my clothes, I do not go out and roam around with my friends, I keep doing something productive all the time and I am doing good in my studies while my brothers are doing none of them. I don’t want to live here, it’s really hard for me to deal with this but can’t help..... Thanks to COVID.

I came back here in June. I never wanted to, especially after the last summers. When the lockdown was announced, all of my friends in the hostel went back to their home and I was avoiding until it became really necessary. I feel sad about myself sometimes. Imagine a person who does not wants to go back home in vacations when everyone around is very excited to celebrate the holiday season. 

This COVID may have done a good thing to people by making them come closer to their family but for me, it is not getting any better. I hope things will get back to normal soon so I can go back to the hostel, which is my happy place. 

Enough for today, wanted to share more. I hope sharing here about what I feel will help me to take my mind of all this and maybe reduce my anxiety.