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Part 2.

good (almost) night, pretty lady

keep your phone loud.

im coming home.

and im ready to sleep with you. 

i love you and oh god, ive missed you so much.

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Sixtieth Letter Prt 1

good morning, pretty lady. 

depending on your surprises, you mightve heard from me, maybe even seen me. all depending on our timing. And i hope you know when I heard your voice, it felt like magic again. Maybe not like our first phone call but one wherre I realized i loved your voice and i could just listen to you say and do anything you wanted. I mean, thats whats so beautiful about someone that when you care for them, they could do anything and you would just say thank you. I mean like the time we shared, ill always be thankful for that. Possible having to stop you from doing anything as i called or disturbed you on this trip, I appreciate it. I appreciate you so much and i really hope you know that by now. I mean now that I am going home, I am warmed at the idea that spending time away from you made me heart grow fonder of you. To appreciate more time that you give and to be humble because time, time is beautful but so wild because it runs out. I hope our time didn’t run out because like i said before i left and what ive wondered even as ive been here is how itll feel to come home and what if something changed. im not ready for that but at the same time, i am ready to be with you again and I hope this time apart has made you realized that too. to realize how important we are in each other’s day to day life. 

I miss you, so much 

but just wait, todays almost over. 

i love you. 

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Fifteenth Letter

good morning, pretty lady. 

I think this song is the perfect description of how this trip was for myself but also you. I mean, i took pictures of you all over the place. you were literally witnessing a whole new world with me. And of course, I want to tell you all about it when I get home, ill be home soon, baby. can you believe it? ill be home so soon and I cant wait to tell you my adventures. I will miss this place and I will miss being with my family but I miss my life in ChiCaGO and having you to share my days with, despite if they are good happy or sad. I love you very much and I hope you are sharing in the excitement of being with me again. I sure am. 

I miss you so much and I cant wait to hear all about your two weeks. 

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Fourteenth Letter

good morning pretty lady so since you asked me questions here is me asking myself some and you can either answer them yourself or you just look for something else to answer. either way i just want to get to know you more

24 my relationship with my parents: my mother and i are close, we talk about everthing together. shes my best friend. My dad? you know. he beats me he hates me he yells at me but he can be a cool guy. just not when he drinks but maybe when i drank we got along but i dont remember

3. biggest fears: change, death and losing my mom in an accident. 

7 4 turn ons: knowing that someone is touching themselves to me, when someone whispers how bad they want me, saying “quiero hacer el amor contigo” and hearing someone getting from being calm to insanely horny. 

15 meaning behind my url: because it all started with talking to you about things. so many letters were involved? 

31 my pets: chico... and you... IM KIDDING

38 my future goals: I want to write a poetry book. I want to go get a masters degree, i want to help out kids of the LGBTQ

42 what i did yesterday: waited for you to talk to you, got some packing done but also took a GOOD fat nap. you shouldve been there, my arms were hugging my pillow so tight. it was only missing you, mostly.

5 my best friend: hm. i cant say june anymore so i will say my best friend is unknown for now. 

50 (any number) someone I love: my grandma. i love her so much at this point where i know that in life i want to make her as happy as possible but also make her happy to know that i am okay to live life. 

21 what I find attractive on another person: the way they speak about their passions. it could be anything but to speak about what you love is super attractive. and MAYBE their lips.. oof i always stare at lips. 

i miss you so fucking much 

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Thirteenth Letter

good morning, pretty lady. 

lets talk about you. as if i don’t already but lets do it. because the beauty of this is how i don’t have to be interrupted. so did you know that you’d meet someone like me? someone who could see you as all of you and think “yeah, shes fucking amazing. shes funny as hell, shes probably too smart like a dictionary smart but also a little slow that she has room to learn more” what you do for someone should be noticed as something magical. like you know what I enjoyed more than disney? talking to you. you are magical. the happiest place on earth. You are so joyful to add into my life. Whether that is to speak to me whats on your mind or just keep yourself quiet. Just anything you do fascinates me. truly, its like watching a shooting star hit the sky and fly across, you are just like that. So maybe I did lie, maybe i have seen a shooting star, you. 

i miss you so much

it kills it really does but we are so close. 

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Twelfth Letter

good morning, pretty lady.

i( hope you know the letter from yesterday was the dramatic letter i spoke to you about on the phone)

The golden hour. have you noticed it a lot lately? i have. i’m taking picture of it as we speak. you know thats a corny thing but we share that. Even if it looks different on your side, its still the same thing on mine. I hope when you look at it you are feeling like i’m looking right back. Its beautiful isnt it? isnt it so crazy that a few months ago, I hated the sun. i never told you but I hated it. It felt weird to see it felt weird to feel itself on my skin. It irritated me so much. I was always saying “I need to go back inside” because I hated the sun. But as ive matured and become a better me, I got to notice the beautiful things in this world and for once, I saw how beautiful the sun was. I saw the colors and the way they all blended together to create the illusion of the sunset, the sunrise and the golden hour. For god sakes, i have the golden hour tattooed on my arm. I never thought I’d get that and I know thats why so many people were so shoocked at what I posted on instagram because I never liked the sun. I never did but once life got a little brighter, I search for the sun to shine so i never get left alone in the dark. I don’t want to be in the dark again. I never want to be in that ever again. so please, If i ever get bad again, dont say much just mention the sun and what its done for me. Mention how the sun probably can’t shine as bright as you do when you get a new idea or smile. That beautiful smile. I love it. i’ll always love that smile that seriously lights up the world, probably some countries could unlimited sunlight from your smile.

i miss you so much 

and bianca, i love you so much. 

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Eleventh Letter

good morning, pretty lady. 

can I let my heart shine right now? yeah so, i thought today about the small insecurities that I have. have specifically since I know when I’m gone, I will be thinking about one thing that I can’t seem to change. You know how some time ago we established we only couldn’t be anything because we arent there with each other. that is the only reason. I know if that wasn’t the reason, you and I would move to a level that we haven’t experienced with people that can really give a damn about us. Anyways, off track but I know when i’m gone you have time to hang out with people who do have interest in you. Maybe you even are talking to some and i bring it up because i’m being realistic and honest with myself. I don’t want to pretend that its not going to happen but at the same time, it doesnt invade my mind so much because everyday I just think of how we are in the moment with each other and like moms said to me before “dont predict that you know things because they arent what they seem you are just so used to things sabotaging itself and this isn’t that.” she talks so much sense into me. so much. i mean whenever I have moments of. “i’m suffocating her, im ruining her.” she reminds me of the bond we share and how much youve shown me that i am important to you. she reminds me that even if life happens that the bond we share can never be the same with anyone else. just as you feel comfortable with me, you will with someone else too but it wont be as in depth as it has been with me. just like i’ve talked about my struggles with you about being trans, it will be said a couple of times but no one will get the whole perspective as you are getting it/have. i’m a taurus and i hate change. thats our thing. i hate change and thats why i emphasize,don’t change on me. don’t let this change. When I come back, I will come back to you and in your arms where i belong and where you belong with me. i hope youre thinking of me as i am thinking of you and how much I wish i could snap my fingers (thanos style) and have you be here.

i miss you so much. 

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Tenth Letter

good morning, pretty lady. 

10 days feels way too long. I wonder what you do. I wonder how youre doing. I wonder what ideas have popped in your head. I wonder what songs are being sung through your mouth. I wonder if you masturbated today. I wonder if you slept well. I wonder how you sleep. do you check your phone wishing something of mine pops up? or do you have the urge to call each other but knowing that the call will forever take to connect. do you wonder what im doing, do you wonder about me at all? I wish I could just have you here. Thats probably whats been on my mind, second to the fact that I do find it strange to be here and not see my aunt every morning, i dont know if ill adjust to it but this is life and i am just grateful that I am alive and that youre alive. I wish i could be there to be part of your day because if im honest, my days are great but they could be the greatest if you were here. 

I miss you, bebe

i hope you know that i- yes me, ryan martinez, loves you, yes you, bianca oquendo. 

I am thinking about you every second. I really am. its a good kind of crazy. 

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Ninth Letter

good morning, pretty lady.

guess what today is? its hump day. the middle of the week. So as you can imagine, you are my crush. not just on this day or another Wednesday. Nope, you ve been my crush since a month and plus ago. Yeah, I kinda have that date remembered because I want to get to a month far from this one and say, yeah, Ive liked you since this long and I still like you. Timing is such a weird thing because first you wanna rush to grow up right? you wanna have your life all settled and get everything youve dreamed for but as you get older, all you wish is for it to slow down. I used to be someone that wanted everything now and when I wanted. I was never willing to wait or be patient because if I waited, I felt like that was a waste because I wanted it NOW. but with you, I really want time to be seen as precious no matter how much of it we spend together or not. Time is a precious thing, thats why I always tell you to enjoy all that you got. Like whenever plans fall through or one of us gets busy or things dont go as we planned, it shouldn’t matter. It sucks but we have so much time. We got our whole lives to see each other grow or mature or thrive because I am not planning to leave it and i know you arent either. So even with this time apart, I know my heart is growing fonder of you, its probably growing another size so my chest actually is hurting more but only because its too big. Help? what can you prescribe doctor. 

I hope you smiled today because I know i will be every time i open my wallet and see your gorgeous face. 

i miss you. 

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Eighth Letter

Good morning, pretty lady.

Its T-Moblie Tuesdays. whats free today? tell me. is it something you need or not so much need? whatever the case is, make the choice to get whatever it is. If its free food, call your friends and get them to get it all together. If its something to get, ask Milton to accompany you to get it, maybe even your step brothers. Get out of the house today, maybe even just take a walk somewhere. I know today wil be a busy day. We are back in my mom’s hometown so I’m sure we have something planned. Like i told you, this is isabel’s first time here so she wants to do as much as possible. Yesterday, I am sure we went around and walked around. Here, they do have cars but its always more fun to walk around. I think you told me that once, that walking to places is always something else and here, I can do that freely. I don’t need to depend on anyone, I can do whatever I want. So since we are on the topic of Ocampo, Ill talk about it a lil more in depth as if you were here. So we are going to be staying with some family in a “mansion”like house. The maid comes in the morning, gets us food, cleans, etc. I don’t really like that so I get up early to get some fresh squeezed juice and food, the tortas de chorizo. They are famous here because the bread is super super tiny so thats why people normally eat two because it equals a whole big one. After coffee, getting ready and just relaxing, we make our way to my lali’s store. We stay there to talk and sometimes eat some more, then we walk around town. Every corner, there is someone that knows me, my mom or my family. My family in Mexico are all store owners so if you guess a type of store, they already have it. So anything you want? tell me and I’ll get it and they will gladly give it to you. Maybe for lunch we can go to my cousin’s bar, eat some food then look at his condo. The one with the high ceilings. He can probably can get you a mojito. Apparently the bartenders are the best ones in the town so it might not be anything like PR but they will hopefully be your top 5 places for mojitos. I recommend wearing really good shoes babe because we will be walking a lot unless my aunt gets her employees to drive us around or take us to another town to explore a new place too. You’d love it here.

i miss you so much 

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Seventh Letter

Good Morning, pretty Lady

also, happy bachelorette monday! I know you will be watching it a day after but you should see if you can watch it today. for me? yeah, okay yeah. anyways, I want this letter to be about Mondays at my cousins house. So, as you know I go to my cousin’s house for bachelorette/ bachelor/ bachelor in paradise. So this all started maybe like a year or two ago, we were at a family party and she talked about the bachelor. I’ve been watching the bachelor since 2016, Ben’s season. but shes been watching it since 2013?, Sean’s season. You know why she started watching it? Well, her husband, Bill (mind you, youd love them they are such good people. They are hardasses but got big hearts) when they first started dating, they actually talked about the show because hes been watching it since forever. They bonded over that so much that they used to watch it together. I think they watched Juan Pablo’s season together. Anyways, when I mentioned that I watched it, thats when we started bonding. We were close when I was little, she would babysit me and take me places but we just didnt talk because of my stuck up cousin Marlene. I was probably 19 when we talked one on one and then later, she ended up texting me, calling me, hanging out with me at parties and then she invited me to see the bachelor season with her. It was just me, her, baby james and maya. Bill worked on mondays since he is a therapist but yeah, it was an experience, one where I couldn’t stop talking nor did she and we just were grateful. You know, she told me that we all are family but that doesnt make all of us friends, “Ryan, you are my family and my best friend” and since then we always watch the bachelor together. Lily joins and so does Bill. sometimes James and maya. But its mostly just us. I want you to join us one day, in the future when the show becomes as popular as right now but WE WILL BE ON IT. you got it? i Will be the suitor on your season and you will see, I will sweep you off your feet. 

i miss you so FUCKING much

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Sixth Letter

Good morning, pretty lady. 

Today is when we board the plane. We are boarding the plane soon and oof, I am so not ready. Ive been on a plane many times but this one feels so unnecessary. We couldve taken a bus or something. I feel boojee as fuck. But still, I need to respect the newly-newly weds wishes. See, one thing you need to know about my family. So, I am my aunt Comi and tio closest nephew. my mom and tia are so close. super close. thats why i call my cousins orlando and omar my brothers because I was always with them. anyways, they got hella money. so much money. like you could consider them a powerful family in the town they are from. Everyone knows them just like they know my mom but they know them as the money makers. So when everyone found out that they were renewing their vows, they thought that this was the wedding of the century. Like in Crazy Rich Asians, this was a HUGE wedding. So many people, and as their nephew, I have to hold a good image. But i’m not cocky or stuck up. I am a friendly guy who will talk to you or even help you out. Like the last wedding, my tia Lourdes y tio Joaquin, some kid who wasn’t my cousin was throwing up in the bathroom, I saw him and asked him if he needed water. He just said yes so I walked to find him water. When I came back, he just was surprised that I helped him. Later that night, I found out he is “technically” my cousin but through marriage. But you see, I don’t care who needs help, ill help. But basically, I had to hold a certain image. One where I have to be a bit of a hardass. My mom hates it, she has to act like this too around her family because like I mentioned, they are super fucking coldhearted but most times, my mom and I act however we want because we want to be happy that way. WE just want to be ourselves.. oh wait I JUST REMEMBERED ABOUT THE WEDDING. I know when you read this everything will have happened but I already know what I’ll be doing for most of the wedding... DANCING. So when i talked to my tia months before the wedding, i asked about what she was having and she said she was having a DJ and OOOOOF i was hyped because that means all kinds of music and as I expected, they will play music from my parents era but also FROM MINE.

uhm,, i forgot to ask you before I left, will you be my dance partner? since you cant be here, i asked isabel. isabel doesnt want anyone to talk to her during this trip since shes not trying to have any creeps (trust me there will be a ton at the wedding)  to hit on her or to talk to her so shes asked me to help her out. 

i miss you, pretty lady. so much. 

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Fifth Letter

good morning, pretty lady. 

I’m sorry if you wake up in the middle of the night and you don’t get to hear my kiss to help you fall back asleep or get to hear me whisper I love you. I hope you know its just as tough as possible to sleep. I am lucky because I have your picture but your picture can’t speak to me. I can’t hear your voice. Can we talk about your voice? Do you know how peaceful it is to hear your speak about anything? Like i love how much you talk. You talk more than me and honestly, you save me from losing it because if I talked the whole time, not only would you hate it but Id probably lose it since I just have so much to say to you. Our phone calls? yeah they are long for a good reason. We just have so much we want to say but also we have so much we want to share. I want to share things with you like how tomorrow, we are heading to my mom’s hometown and I’m super nervous to get on the plane this time. Last time, we took a bus from the town to Puerto Vallarta. So what happens is that every year (this used to be only adults going, for the past 5 years), my family rents a huge bus, gets a bunch of us packed in, everyone gets two seats to sleep OR couples sit together and rest. Last year, I got two seats but when my dad was feeling sick, I had him sit next to me since I was close- ish to the bathroom. We watched Wonder Woman for the first time and we watched STAR WARS. oh it was the best way to head back home but ANYWAYS lemme get back. So, we travel at night to get there in the morning. Sleeping on the bus is so hard, especially when it was my first time being with everyone after 8 years. I just remembered my tia juana, the one that passed away, sat behind me for both to get to PV and on the way back home to Ocampo. Wow, I cant believe I forgot that. But she wanted to be close to me. THERE ARE RARELY ANY STOPS TO MAKE. when we did make a stop, it was for EMERGENCIES. I got off the bus once and it was to use the bathroom. My guy cousin who doesnt like me (he called me some cruel shit before even meeting me, lets not care hes an ass to my other cousin, Marcelino and its all because of the way we live) judged me the whole time in the line that I felt uncomfortable and held it in. Later on, his mom talked to him to leave “mi nino” alone. She had never met me before except for being a baby so it was nice that she respected me. Anyways, we aren’t taking a bus this year, we are going straight to PV on a plane and we are leaving it on a plane too and i just don’t feel good because its a small plane and im nervous. I wish you were here. I really fucking do. 

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Fourth Letter

good morning, pretty lady. 

I think that is how i want to wake you up, just by saying it like that. You know you are a pretty lady. my pretty lady? yeah, i love that smile that just came over your face. So, its friday, what are your plans? you better be giving yourself time to be with your friends or your family. shit, maybe even fight some rebel scum. you haven’t done that in a minute. I can already tell you how I’m doing. I am doing alright, I am having fun. Everything is nice but I do wish you were here. I wish you could just experience this all with me. Even the wedding, you should be my plus one. I can imagine you getting ready in the room while I wait outside since I know you will want to get ready without any distractions (ah HA ha) and when you come out, wow, i can see it already. Its all white so I would imagine you in a white dress, flowy, long, with your white sandals, the beautiful B necklace, the many rings on your fingers and probably a string bracelet that we found in the stores on the beach. Your hair, I bet you would want it down but place it on one side, maybe mom would help you so you could get it how you want it. Yeah, you will look beautiful. You always do. I’ll be wearing a short sleeve dress shirt, DE MARCA, with white shorts and my brown dress shoes. Ill be very self conscious because I hate wearing white, mostly because I will stain myself with something or because I hate how I just look in white in public. But you will hold my hand and probably make me remember to be extra careful. I hope you know when we are holding hands, our rings will be hitting together a lot, the little clink will be something we love to hear because it lets us know that we arent in a dream anymore. We are right next to each other.

I love you. 

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Third Letter

you look so beautiful. 

I know your hair is messy and your eyes are barely open but damn, you look so damn beautiful. I hope you imagined me turning to the side and wishing you were there. waking up to kisses? please ma’am. I would like a ton of kisses, maybe too many that we both end up so breathless that we end up having to stop for that reason only. I don’t know how these letters will set up to be, each one will be different but i hope you enjoy them. hey, pretty girl. I know you got to work on your things today and have to occupy your day but spare a little thought of me. I am thinking of you and I just want you to think of me too. 

ps: you are the one thing I am so grateful to have for the last couple of months that I hope when time passes more, I will still be able to tell you that I have you. 

i adore you, bianca. 

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Second Letter

good morning, pretty girl. 

how did you sleep? what are your plans for the day? i hope that you study as much as you can but also don’t over do it. give yourself breaks. go on twitter. go out with your friends, especially best friend with the SCRATCH on her car. Hang out with that big tv of yours. was it weird sleeping without me? I know already that I probably stared at my phone when I woke up, in hopes that somehow it would ring and i’d be with you, snoring our throats away with how tired we are. I’m pretty sure I didn’t sleep the best. I normally never do when I travel because I just get paranoid about the place. I am pretty sure I slept with a pillow between my arms to let myself have something to hold onto when I’m away from you. I miss you, pretty girl. 

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First Letter

hi. 

I wonder when you’ll read this. Maybe we just got off the phone after saying goodbye. I bet your voice was a bit hurt. I know mine was. I’m still here while I write this and I can easily pick up my phone and call you. But once i’m there, do you know how many times I’ll want to call you and just say “I miss you.” It’ll probably so many times that my family will ask if I want to call someone. I’ll answer and say yes, I want to call my girl. I’ll say that you know. maybe I can’t but what else should I say? I mean yeah, my friend, my favorite person but you know why I don’t say those things? Its because they don’t feel enough. They don’t like cover everything. My girl, now that sounds good. It sounds really good to the point where I want to say it not for my own sake or even your own but for the world to know that hey, my girl, yeah thats my girl. I hope the last thing I said to you before I got up to change or before I had to hang up was that you are my girl. Right now, you are my girl and I hope when I come back, you still are my girl.