beforetheselfhate

[beforetheselfhate]

There's too much of my face on here, what the hell was I thinking? Not sure when I last posted. Looked at someone I used to know's X account, and while I could call her my ex it's been so long, it'd be pathetic to do so. Not that I care as it doesn't make it any less so. Although I rarely think of her, it's not as though I've really moved on either. Staying in place, moving through life. Though, I guess one could say the same about how I ended up with her in the first place. I would like to think I'm in a better place now, and I would like to think that there are some redeemable qualities in me that she could recall, and that on rare occasions she thinks of me too. Don't want to drag this out for torture, but be it the vibe or what she writes...I want to tell her she is awesome. Not that I couldn't see it before, though I'm sure it was shrouded in so much of me being in my own way, and other distractions of things that only seemed important at the time. I would say she is easy to love, but what would I really know about that. At least, if she hates me or better yet, doesn't care one way or the other, then she's the perfect punishment. Thoughts that we could be friends or of what could have been in some other timeline where I was different than I am or was, are a nice temporary fabrication in a reality that is far less romantic than I should ever wish to comprehend. Alas, I am not that mad...yet.

[beforetheselfhate]

Trying to take a picture that portrays how I feel inside, and this is pretty close I suppose. Except for I kind of feel like I want to cry, but I don't think that is conveyed. Not sure there is any particular reason for it, but there probably is. Instead I will go inside and see some awesome people and pretend that I'm happier than I am. Which is currently decidedly not, but is typically at least neutrally so.

[beforetheselfhate]

Winter is coming, well not quite. Approaching that time of year where everything will be as dead as I am inside. Lately I've been in my feels. Perhaps I will vent about it. In my safe space where nobody will see it and it will be like it never happened. Though in all seriousness, if I am remotely capable, I am probably due for my annual cry. 🥲

[beforetheselfhate]

A new year. Received some fairly devastating news to cap off 2020. Also...Fuck you 2020. My favorite Hip-Hop artist/rapper MF DOOM passed away on Halloween, but it was apparently kept pretty hush until recently. While I haven't really had the time to reflect on this, and am still pretty shocked by this unfortunate news, I'm sure it will continue to come in waves over the following weeks. This is definitely something that has blindsided me. Granted I probably have many blind sides... I can't think of many people I idolize or look up to. I can't imagine the toll this loss is having on his family, friends, and those close to him and that knew him personally.

Since the start of this writing, I've seen great tributes and outpouring of respect shown from figures in the hip-hop community and fellow music artists. Seems they may be releasing a posthumous, though years in the making, Madvillainy 2. Will be looking for that and re-releases of some earlier records. Certainly has been a run on his music since the news of his passing broke. Wish I would have taken the opportunity to get more vinyl of his when it was available, particularly that special herbs vinyl box set. Of course, since getting Serato any vinyl I have or don't have is essentially inconsequential. All the respect and attention he's getting is well-deserved, and arguably not enough, but as someone who had always been an underground artist and who liked to keep a low profile, that's probably just as well. Respectively, the underground is largely where you would need to look to find it. I've recently blown the dust off my turntables and although always on my mind, the passing of DOOM is a large factor in this decision. The other being so I can DJ at my sister's wedding.

In other life news, I messaged my ex that hates me on instagram and she isn't going to respond, which is actually ideal. I'm glad that she seems happy and comfortable in her life, and I certainly wouldn't want to jeapordize her situation with a potential acquaintance or reminiscense of times passed that she isn't fond of. I should be solely focused on my own life and happiness, which I have not been doing a great job of. My disinterest in people in general is probably not good for me. The fact that I have not had much strong feelings for women since my ex is a bit disconcerting. For Christmas, my sister got me 3 months worth of gift cards for match.com, where she met her fiance. While being a mildly insulting slap in the face, it is also probably a red flag. However, I may be falling in love with a woman who runs a local luncheonette, but it's probably just because she makes the best food I've ever eaten. Also, Joe Biden is President. So 2021 is shaping out to be a much better year so far.

[beforetheselfhate]

Neuroticism level: Wake up in the middle of the night and search your google drive, then external hard drive for the mix you made your ex to re-listen to it to make sure it conveyed everything you needed it to.

Even though you never gave it to them, so it's pretty much just for you. At least you're pretty sure you didn't. You can't be certain because many times you started to message them through obscure social media means, perhaps in various states of sobriety and you can't quite remember if you actually sent a message or not. But you're pretty sure at least 95% of the time you decided it was best not to. Or maybe it was only 50% of the time. (Hopefully) Maybe you didn't send any of them.

So, clearly I am winning at life. Other things going on, but nothing I feel like discussing on here at the moment. Sorry to disappoint the (probably 0) people who read this. Though I really should do this more often, for the sake of the catharsis. Back into politics again after much hiatus, trying to pick up some different perspectives. Luckily I have the benefit of pretty much hating both political parties at this point. Been SJWing it up on facebook comments against the particularly ignorant and entrenched Trump base. Going to listen to the final political debate whilst I work today, heaven help me. Couldn't possibly be as bad as the first...right?. Fin.

[beforetheselfhate]

Was in the middle of typing a very long post about my life, birthday, coronavirus, politics, etc.... but it all disappeared in the blink of an eye. Perhaps that is some metaphor for the fragility of life, or perhaps this app and/or my attempts to write little comments on photos is just bullshit. I guess the epitomy of what I'm trying to say is... Joe Biden sucks, and as much as I can understand the want for a return to 'normalcy', when has there ever been a better precipous for change, and it just seems a shame to meet it with mediocrity and incrementalism.

[beforetheselfhate]

Loved this show 😁

[beforetheselfhate]

[beforetheselfhate]

In regards to that last post

It's been...over 3 years now since I moved to PA. Haven't really moved on though. Things have happened to me. Been working a job, that has me doing different things, got a new car. Haven't really met new people, outside of the few that I work with, haven't really started a life here. How fucking sad is that. Was going through organizing old papers, found some old notes from the ex. She must have cared about me, more than most because it seems like I was an ass, which doesn't surprise me. I'd like to think at one point in our relationship I was worth it. Maybe at the start. I was a shit person, along the way I know it. I'm not going to go into things, but I play back different situations and times and memories as I try to get a glimpse of how things were and why I was how I was. She was an awesome person, and I made her feel bad about herself. It wasn't something I did intentionally, maybe if in a fight like people may do on occasion. I think I was a lot of the times just cold and she did not deserve that. Still, through my faults, I still loved her. Of all the people in the world, she was the closest I've been to. Often times that was never close enough for her liking. She said in one of the letters, probably written not long before we broke up, that she wanted a dog and life with me, but she didn't think I wanted that. That things were much more difficult than they should probably be. I don't know. Things were difficult. I was not happy, with myself. With where I was in my life with work, with money. I wanted to move back here where I could hopefully be better. It wasn't fair for me to ask her to go with me, with how things were. With how I was. I think I am better. I think things worked out for the best. I know she has a dog and someone and hopefully the life she wanted. I hope she is happy. Not like me. I hope she doesn't think about me and how things may have been different. That said, it's past time for me to be not like me.

[beforetheselfhate]

[beforetheselfhate]

[beforetheselfhate]

when Flower comes to town

[beforetheselfhate]

Amen

[beforetheselfhate]

I wrote this many months ago, when binge watching star trek, but never posted it. I think it holds up.

Captain Kirk in the streets, Spock in the sheets.

[beforetheselfhate]

Surprised I remembered my Tumblr password and got in this account on the first attempt. I read from this book a couple stories while in the waiting room at the hospital today. Good book. I need to read more. Got a couple more my ex let me borrow and a long standing reading list of my own. I don't think I was supposed to keep these, but such is life. In addition, a note she once left me, tucked in the cover. Memories of a time someone cared enough and how much I was undeserving. I thought perhaps as I finish them, I will leave them places for someone to find and perhaps enjoy. A romanticized thought. Odds are they would just end up in the trash. Maybe I will just donate them, or hang on them until I can find someone who might enjoy them. Don't think anyone on here notices my presence or absence, but I don't feel like this post will be followed up any time soon, but who knows.

[beforetheselfhate]

[beforetheselfhate]