beeswaxy

[beeswaxy]

looking back, i never imagined this complacency. this giving up. how could i do such a thing to myself? “you deserve my trying”.

[beeswaxy]

suddenly i don’t need it anymore. suddenly i’m okay. eventually the fire of self loathing gets tired and burns itself out, or maybe it’s the wellbutrin. i’m not sure. i’m okay. resigned, on a level. if this is who i am—-so be it, then. so be it. so be it.

[beeswaxy]

Apple: iMac G3 "Flower Power" (2001)

[beeswaxy]

psl is honestly so good

[beeswaxy]

it has taken me so long to even begin to understand the world. i want a pair of those big black sunglasses. when you dress what are your REFERENCES.

[beeswaxy]

i have only ever had one career ambition, and it was, embarrassingly, to be a cop. it only lasted for the duration of sixth grade, maybe a couple years after as a fleeting thought, and it happened because a cop came and gave a talk at my school. i remember him telling us that they had to be tased as part of training, and this both excited and terrified me. i thought—i could be a cop if i could get past that one thing. and pretty much no other aspect of being a cop appealed to me (apart from maybe the forensics); i had no other images of cop-hood in my imagination apart from standing on a stage (always on a stage for whatever reason) and being tased. there was something fundamentally male about this fantasy for me; i don’t think i ever really imagined myself as a woman cop. it was masculine. part of me was desperate for it and part of me was desperate to avoid it; either way, being tased felt like an inevitability. and then after that i stopped being able to imagine a future for myself.

[beeswaxy]

Women in Restoration by Isabella De Maddalena

[beeswaxy]

[beeswaxy]

a girl, a girl, a girl. and the space inside her mind. where i want to set up camp.

i have been so afraid of feeling because

of feeling and desire

because to feel is to be wrong, to be illogical, to back up your argument with something artificial, unconcrete, unreal. well whatever. to be unfeeling is to have power, control over the situation. to be able to be correct. again, whatever. and to want? to want is to maybe want the wrong thing, but it makes no sense to you why it should be wrong because it’s just a desire, and it’s a desire that hurts nobody. so want with abandon. you’ll be able to handle it, and it will be okay.

what parts of this miserable life are worth keeping anyway? only the music and the connections to others, only the love and beauty and the work, when it’s good. the learning, when it’s good. it’s my job to keep myself inspired.

[beeswaxy]

if you love the world it will love you back.. if you love the world it will love you back.. if you love the world it will love you back.. . if you love the world it will lov-

[beeswaxy]

america is stupid because when you’re terminally lonely there is nowhere outside to go read your book and have a beer in the silent company of strangers

[beeswaxy]

Today I jerked it to the most beautiful thing in the world. A bouquet of 100 red roses

[beeswaxy]

Look at me, joyous and smiling *gets hit by

[beeswaxy]

just came imagining myself fucking a girl, her begging me to come inside her. the pathologization of identity—each new desire or uncovered memory becomes a symptom of something larger. yes, i want a cock. what if the pieces are just pieces, no big picture. can i take them at face value, be honest with myself? if something doesn’t fit, it doesn’t have to be included. my cock, though, fits quite nicely :.. .

[beeswaxy]

[beeswaxy]

(from Don Quixote)

[beeswaxy]

ellasnyder