bee-s-corner

[bee-s-corner]

[bee-s-corner]

Images that you would probably not see again @thoughtstherapy

[bee-s-corner]

[bee-s-corner]

an excruciatingly long ramble about the ‘03 turtles and the enneagram 🐢🧡 pt5 (end)

[ intro + disclaimers post ] [ pt 2 - raph ] [ pt 3 - leo ] [ pt 4 - don ]

mikey, 7 with a 6 wing

intro

we've reached the final entry, lads, but we've still got a lot to talk about. there's also, of course, the chance i might have future things to observe and build on and, if i do, they will be posted and linked as addendums. for now, however? let's blow this popsicle stand.

you might remember way back in the intro post that i said i was excited to talk about mikey because he’s a complicated combination of a lot of moving parts and almost stupidly self-aware. i had a reason i wanted to start this project off with raph and, similarly, i have a reason i wanted to end it with mikey. there’s a chance that some of you might have noticed or caught on, and i’ll give you a moment to think about it.

done? okay cool.

mikey’s 7 is linked to each of his brothers. all three of them have a 7 somewhere in their enneagram web:

raph has a 7 wing. leo’s security number is 7. don’s stress number is 7.

mikey and raph share a lot in common, which is why they both get along so well and also butt heads frequently. i think a detail that may contribute to the latter is that their 7 link is in a wing on raph's end. mikey can see and understand where the 7-wing is influencing and coloring raph's core number, but he himself doesn't share an 8 as a wing. so, when it comes to getting what makes raph tick as an 8, mikey may fall a little short. but if mikey allows himself to chill out enough to access his 5, he might even be able to help raph understand his own temper and process his thoughts objectively.

as for the other two, mikey knows how to coax out leo’s playful side and get him to be kinder with himself and relax, shut his inner critic the hell up. mikey can empathize with don when he’s struggling in silence, bring him out of isolation and back to the present. stress and security numbers are stronger ties than a wing (they will always be attached to that core type, whereas the wing may differ), so mikey can see his strengths reflected in leo when leo's healthy and empathize with don's weaknesses when he's going through a dark spot. mikey would also have a taste of what it's like to live with an inner critic (leo's 1), and be capable of stepping back, slowing down, and being more open to clarity, innovation and insight (don's 5).

bare basics of the 7

7s are one of three assertive types (the others being 3s and 8s), and they’re members of the head triad (made of 5s, 6s, and 7s).

to reiterate: members of the head triad are concerned with anxiety; they carry a great deal of fear and are driven by it. they feel they experience a lack of support and guidance, and because of this they often engage in behaviors they believe will enhance their safety and security. they take in and relate to the world through the mind, and they tend to think and plan carefully before they act.

i’ll also mention again what i said about assertive types in raph’s post: assertives can be described as moving 'against people’. they respond to stress or difficulty by building up, reinforcing, or inflating their ego; they will expand rather than back down or seek protection. assertive types will often have issues processing their feelings.

unlike the previous posts, i think we need to pause here in the basics section for a second. because this is where mikey is different than his brothers.

if you look back to mikey's brothers, each of them have their core number in one triad but their wing in another: raph is in the gut triad, but has a head wing; leo is in the gut triad but has a heart wing; don is in the head triad, but has a heart wing. mikey, however, is fully in the head triad. but wait!: there’s more.

his brother’s core numbers and wings are all the same ‘type’: raph being an 8w7 means he’s fully an assertive type; don being a 5w4 makes him fully a withdrawn type; leo being a 1w2 makes him fully a compliant type. mikey, however, is a 7w6, which makes his core type assertive, but his wing compliant. so while his core number might cause him to inflate his ego, expand rather than back down, his wing’s influence could soften that or even nullify it. remember that compliant types like to be in service of the people around them and move toward others, and they have internalized principles and other dictates they've learned from childhood.

something else i’ve noticed while working on this project is that every triad has one type that seems like they don’t belong in their triad by surface-level observation. 9s are in the anger and gut triad, yet they’re peacemakers, think before they act, and are 'fine' with discomfort so long as everyone around them is happy. 3s don’t appear to be engaged with their feelings despite being in the heart and feeling triad, and they often struggle to connect with those emotions as well as their own identity. 7s are in the thinking and head triad, seeming to be carefree, joyful, and spontaneous in a triad so concerned with fear and anxiety. but where 5s externalize that fear and 6s internalize it... 7s forget it. or, they sure do try to.

a 7’s basic fear is being deprived or trapped in pain

their basic desire is to be happy, satisfied, and to find fulfillment

they believe they’ll be okay so long as they get what they need

childhood take-aways

y’all know the drill. let’s visit that quote from master splinter one final time.

“your path in life will not be an easy one. the outside world will not be a friendly place for you. you four are different in ways the surface dwellers would never understand. to survive, you must master these skills i teach you: the powers of stealth and secrecy. you must become kage, shadow warriors, and you must never be discovered by the outside world.”

it’s not uncommon for a 7’s childhood to be colored by an unconscious feeling of disconnection from their protective and/or nurturing figures, and in response to this 7s choose to nurture themselves. there’s a wide variety of reasons for this perception: another sibling came along and required attention, or there was illness in the family, or the family is living paycheck to paycheck and the protective figures are stressed. but, one way or another, the young 7 unconsciously decides they’re not going to sit around feeling sorry for themselves; if no one will take care of them, they’ll take care of them. this is NOT to say that 7s weren’t close to their protective/nurturing figures, just that on some emotional level they unconsciously decided they had to take care of their own needs.

young 7s will quickly seek out what psychologists call ‘transitional objects’: toys, games, and sometimes playmates. so long as they can find and move toward interesting ideas, experiences, and people, they can repress their underlying feelings of frustration, fear and hurt. where 5s reduce their need to depend on anyone and 6s try to anticipate every possible disaster, 7s create a pain-free world in their mind where they can hang out and think happy thoughts.

like i said back in leo’s post their lives had to’ve been some level of chaos since the word go. master splinter had a LOT to manage and balance and pay attention to, whether it was his own grief/newfound intelligence and change, finding them all a safe environment, or the four boys themselves. we have young leo earnestly doing his best to meet and surpass expectations--going to splinter for advice and approval and more lessons. we have young raph questioning splinter’s authority and glimpses of his temper starting to surface more often. and we have young don choosing to tinker instead of play with his brothers or fully engage in training, and maybe needing a bit more attention during said training because this isn’t the area he’s chosen for his expertise. that’s a lot of attention spread real, real thin. this poor rat is doing his best, man.

while i wouldn’t say this strained or damaged mikey’s relationship with splinter, it wouldn’t surprise me if mikey unconsciously realized he’d need to find the nurturing he wanted elsewhere. much like leo’s 1 would have recognized his protective figure’s responsibilities and expectations, and received them in earnest, mikey’s 7 pulled him toward distractions to better tolerate his own anxiety: toys, trinkets, music, games, comic books, artistic expression. in mikey’s story during tales of leo (s1ep19) we see him wander-dancing around the lair with his headphones on, (allegedly) looking for his gameguy. he pauses to talk to leo, but leo is concentrating and won't engage with him. this leads to mikey deciding to break young leo’s concentration because he, quote: “hates to be ignored”.

mikey as a 7

7s are sometimes nicknamed: ‘the enthusiast’, ‘the generalist’, ‘the multi-tasker’, ‘the wunderkind’, ‘the dilettante’, ‘the connoisseur’, or ‘the energizer’.

7s are masters when it comes to the art of reframing; they can take a bad situation and turn it into a positive light in a blink. it’s a defense mechanism that’s instantaneous, unconscious, and impressive. in his official profile, mikey states that “the other guys seem so down sometimes, they need me around just to lighten things up! life’s a beach!”. heck, there’s a ton of this, here. that happiness is a way of life, life is what you make it, and that "knowing how to take care of yourself in times of trouble is neat... it's like being in a movie”.

if you continue to doubt mikey's place in the thinking/head triad, then you've yet to watch a 7 start to rationalize. should you call them out for acting selfishly or attempt to caution them on making a dumb decision, they’ll defend to the death the reasonableness of their position or provide a million good reasons for doing whatever it is they want to do.

a small example can be found in trouble with triceratons (s2ep2) while the turtles are trying to retrieve honeycutt from the triceratons, resulting in don piloting an alien vehicle while mikey rides sidecar. mikey begins pressing all the buttons--just all of them--and don says “leave the shiny buttons alone, mikey!”. to which mikey responds “but it might be something really good!” (and then he is promptly jettisoned from the car. rest in pieces, king).

a better example could be found in a wing and a prayer (s4ep7). while don, leo and raph are training, mikey's standing by reading a newspaper. leo breaks away from the others to cut through the newspaper in order to get mikey's attention, and he tells mikey. they’re supposed to be training. mikey's quick to say that he is training! he’s doing mental exercises… reading! leo presses “didn’t you learn anything from your battle nexus rematch?”. and mikey has an answer for this, too, in the form of a quote from master splinter about worry, fear and anger... and pin that up on the board--pin it--because we're gonna circle back to that.

much like 8s, 7s don’t like being told what to do. but where an 8 might outright pick a fight with an authority figure, opponent, or leader, a 7 will attempt to manipulate them with charm and charisma. while it wasn't OUR mikey who sweet-talked his way out of sliver's containment in reality check (s3ep19), it was still a version of mikey who pulled it off, and it was our mikey's plan.

7s are crafty lil stinkers. much in the same way they can quickly think to rationalize their wants and behaviors, they will be quick to notice and remember how those around them respond to things, what buttons to press they might need to press to garner the results they want. a prime example of this is his match against raph in the battle nexus.

raph goes into this match confident and eager. he thinks that he’s going to give mikey a life time's worth of get-backs, but… never considers that no one in this tournament knows how to work him like mikey does. ... ... *leans in and lifts microphone closer to my mouth* and we're gonna circle back to that, too.

7s are (for better or worse for those around them) exceptionally bright and quick learners. their minds move fast from one idea to the next, making them fantastic brainstormers and great at synthesizing information; they tend to have excellent mind-body coordination and dexterity. all this can cause them to develop an inflated sense of their own 'giftedness' and cause them to come off as or actually be: arrogant.

i think it’s safe to say that mikey is the most ‘’’naturally gifted’’’ out of the four when it comes to ninjitsu. master splinter draws attention to this in touch and go (s3ep8) when he says mikey has an affinity for the martial arts. but one of the best ‘show-don’t-tell’ examples, in my opinion, can be found in what a croc (s2ep12) where mikey’s the one who holds his ground the longest against stockman’s turtle-bot. and afterward, when they swap weapons, he’s the only one of the four who uses an improvised weapon (two pipes).

it cannot be stated enough times that 7s don’t want to experience unpleasant emotions. sure, no one enjoys feeling frightened, bored, disappointed, sad, frustrated or angry, but emotions like this are downright intolerable for 7s. they want to avoid pain, and they believe they can think their way out of it. things like worry or stress are easier for them to deal with because they can mentally work with them and rationalize a way out, but things like sadness, grief or disappointment are harder. those emotions actually have to be felt to be dealt with. whenever 7s sense they’re getting too close to a painful topic, they might crack a joke or tell a funny story--they're the types who will sneak a wince-worthy pun into a eulogy--anything goofy or distracting to redirect the topic and skirt around those negative emotions. this avoidance can cause them to appear callous or lacking in empathy. mikey? cracking jokes when he “shouldn’t”? maybe coming off as insensitive to the situation around him? more likely than you think.

7s with a 6 wing are sometimes nicknamed ‘the entertainer’. they’re fast-talking, witty, and they're excited by new ideas and highly engaging people with a lot of energy and high spirits. they’re productive, but they can easily lose focus and become scattered. these 7s are sensitive and a bit more anxious than 7w8s, but they’re experts in using charm to disarm. they’re dutiful and loyal to their family and friends, and they’re often funny, entertaining, and highly accepting of others. in healthier states, they’re curious and creative with an excellent sense of humor and a more positive outlook on life than a 7w8. they’re quick-thinking, have cooperative spirits, and organizational abilities that enable them to accomplish a great deal with little effort.

stress & security numbers

mikey’s stress number is a 1, so in times of high stress and downed spirits he’ll begin exhibiting the negative traits associated to 1s. stressed 7s become pessimistic, argumentative, and judgmental. more and more, they’ll begin blaming others around them for their problems, and their thinking will become more black-and-white. they’ll begin to feel the need to restrain themselves but then become frustrated with the structures and limits, and their usual vivaciousness may give way to a grim seriousness.

what enthusiasm they had for their own ideas and opinions will quickly shift into a tendency to critique the views of others; they might become short, impersonal, and impatient--with both themselves and others--attempting to 'teach' those around them why their ideas and opinions are better or correct. and under high stress, their underlying resentment will begin to show. they might begin scolding, nitpicking, and cutting down those around them with withering, sarcastic comments, and they'll adopt a 'hit-and-run' approach to conflict.

the examples of mikey’s 1 could include:

in tales of leo (s1ep19) after mikey finishes telling his story and raph says “if you ask me, leo’s not coming back because he’s afraid”, mikey--quite literally--180s on him and retorts “no one asked you!”

in return to the underground (s2ep13) mikey says don's plan to get the crystal moon back up came from "whackos-r-us", and toward the end when they’re all webbed up and surrounded by monsters, he mocks don and “his big ideas” and does a nasally impression of him

his behavior in most (if not all) of same as it never was (s3ep21); the way he snaps at don right out the gate is radiating with a 1’s anger and, more notably, resentment

in grudge match (s4ep6), he makes a very pointed dig at raph when challenged about his status as the battle nexus champion; i’ll touch on this a bit more later

mikey’s security number is a 5, so when mentally and spiritually healthy he’ll begin to show the positive traits associated with 5s. these 7s grow more comfortable with silence and solitude and are willing to be more serious; they begin to think about the meaning and purpose of their lives. an 'average' health 7 might be creative, but a secure 7 no longer wants to just consume, they want to contribute. 7s on the positive side of a 5 can finally experience satisfaction in the truest sense of the word.

they learn to slow down and quiet the activity in their minds so impressions affect them more deeply, and they become able to stay with their observations and experiences long enough to realize all the amazing things about themselves and the world around them. they can recognize which experiences have real value to them. rather than worry about making the wrong choices or missing out on the best--most exciting--course of action, 7s will simply know what to do. it doesn’t cause 7s to lose their spontaneity or enthusiasm, they just become more free to savor the moment. as 7s learn to quiet their minds and tolerate anxiety that arises, they can access the clarity, innovation, insight, and knowing qualities of a healthy 5.

examples of mikey’s 5 surfacing could include

in the unconvincing turtle titan (s1ep12) after watching the silver sentry interview at the end, while his brothers are asking questions, you can see him just kind of quietly basking in the moment instead of hyping himself or the moment up

in contrast to dipping into his 1 throughout return to the underground, while they’re on their way back home mikey pauses to take a moment to let don know “he may be a pain in the shell, but i’m proud that you’re my bro”. (this back and forth reaction to don's decisions/plans could also be his assertive type expanding in defense early on only for his compliant type to fall back to childhood lessons in doing the right thing, recognizing and appreciating that they've done that here)

in christmas aliens (s3ep1) it’s his idea to go to the children’s home, granting others an exciting and warm holiday experience rather than being concerned with his own. contributing, not consuming.

in grudge match (s4ep6) he takes the time to seek leo out at the end of the episode and thank him

there is an aspect of his 5 surfacing in what he says about leo in samurai tourist (s4ep13) but i hesitate to say that his 5 is fully in the driver’s seat; i’ll get to it when we get there

cardinal sins - 7 and gluttony

once again, as with raph and with don, mikey’s cardinal sin is more than its surface-level explanation. yeah, he eats a lot and enjoys food, but… who doesn’t? i, also, would like pie.

7s embody sunshine and joy and a boundless love for life, always curious, always excited about the next thing to come. but if you scratch those surface appearances off, you’ll find an almost desperate need to avoid pain. the cardinal sin of gluttony isn’t so much about mikey’s passion for pizza as much as it is a need to devour positive experiences, stimulating ideas and fine material things in order to avoid suffering, hurtful memories, or feelings of deprivation. 7s cope by gorging themselves. they jam their calendars with activities and adventures to look forward to, absorb interesting ideas and stories, collect material possession--all in an attempt to fill up an inner emptiness with items and experiences. we all have our ways of defending against pain, and for 7s it’s keeping things lively and positive. they must have more, so they never run out.

one of my books state that 7s are often caught in a cycle of anticipation known as 'the chocolate syndrome'. one of the most exciting things about a box of chocolates is the anticipation of the first bite (you never know what you're gonna get inside, after all). it's often less the experience itself that excites 7s, it's the anticipation OF that experience. a small example of this could be found in the lesson (s3ep13) when young mikey is teaching casey about the importance of having a battle-cry. he hypes up how having a good battle-cry will get foes to flee like cowards, and before casey even has a chance to respond, mikey exclaims "oooOOH, i really wanna see that!! come on, let's try it!". the payoff of this is, obviously, not great. but it didn't lessen the thrill of getting there.

unfortunately, due to their cardinal sin, 7s have a tendency to be the most vulnerable to some form of addiction, both due to their love for anticipation and need of escaping negative feelings. i see a lot of people going to raph when it comes to this topic (especially in terms of substance abuse), i guess because he’s the “problem child”? and his 7 wing might open a vulnerability to that but for the most part… eh. mn.

i bring this subject up in regards to mikey, however, because we actually have a brief example of it in-series.

in the big brawl - part three (s2ep25), raph and mikey pass gennosuke while wandering the battle nexus market. gen is a gambler (it thus needs be remarked that gambling can be as much an addiction as a substance), and he asks them if they want to place a bet on him winning the tournament. raph immediately turns him down and tells him to “find some other sucker” while walking away… but mikey hangs back and asks what the odds on himself are. once he gets those odds he says “i gotta get in on that action!” and asks raph to help him out. raph proceeds to grab mikey by the arm, tell gen to fuck off a second time, and physically removes mikey from the interaction. you might remember me saying back in raph’s post that raph, being an 8, might be the most ‘world-wise’ out of the four. he sees this for what it is, what it could be, and he’s gently peeling mikey away from it.

and as before, let’s look at the other sins in the circle. mikey’s 6 wing, 1 stress and 5 security would give him: fear*, anger, and greed respectively.

*i mentioned in raph's post that seven of the enneagram’s cardinal sins are in line with the traditional ‘deadly sins’; 3s and 6s are the exceptions, with 3’s cardinal sin being deceit and 6’s being fear.

same as it never was with a touch of darkness within

before we dive in, let’s pause to examine 7s at their healthiest and unhealthiest. at their healthiest, 7s can be described as: joyful and satisfied, anticipating and enthusiastic, realistic and productive. at their unhealthiest, 7s can be described as: insatiable and escaping, manic (depressive) and reckless, overwhelmed and paralyzed.

mikey is kind of unique throughout the series in that we don’t really get a lot of heavy episodes with him that would latch onto his more stressed state of mind and drag it out. at least, not in the way that we do with his brothers. sainw, unsurprisingly, is when we get to see a version of mikey in his worst state, and i think there’s a lot of interesting things to examine here with his enneagram type in mind, one of which will carry into the next section.

right off the bat, something to notice about sainw!mikey: he is the ONLY person who doesn’t greet our don warmly. april hugs don. raph also hugs him (that 2 shooting to the surface for a split second). leo’s smiling widely, and he sounds relieved. but mikey? it’s "where the shell have you been?? how could you just abandon us like that?!". it's instantaneous, and he doesn't hesitate to take it a step further, because the first thing he decides to do after is take don to master splinter. that's exactly how he words it, too: "i'm taking you to master splinter". ...--like, i need you to realize how cold of a move this is in hindsight. because script-wise, it's obviously there to do an emotional reveal not just to don but also the audience. but in character context?

this master splinter died after don disappeared. which could mean that his death is information sainw!don doesn't have. but whether it’s our don or sainw!don it doesn’t matter, because mikey presents this information to don much like you drop a bucket of ice water on someone. he takes him to splinter’s grave. it’s not gentle, it's not kind, it’s harsh. as though to say: you left, the team didn’t work, and look what happened. i want you to look at it.

as i said in the stress section--as well as back in don’s post--mikey is leaning hard into his 1. the gang's all here: we got cutting remarks, we got 1’s cardinal sin in anger (resentment), we got blame, we got grim seriousness. i think we can go a bit deeper into the fact that don ‘abandoned’ them, too. for that, we need to look to the darkness within (s3ep14).

jenn (@/plantdonut) brought this to my attention a while ago; i don’t remember the context of the conversation, and i’ve searched our discord chats to no avail--i can only assume she mentioned it during a call. but her point stuck with me, and it will be heavily pulled from in the next paragraph.

mikey’s nightmare in the darkness within features leo joining the lovecraftian entity and attacking him. looking at the themes of each of their nightmares: don’s centers on loss and helplessness, leo’s was about failure, and raph’s was giving into his worst self. mikey’s seems to be about betrayal. it’s an interesting one, because i don’t think the boys have really experienced real betrayal up to this point. their companions have always been their companions, and the people who have 'turned on them' to some degree never fully gained their trust in the first place. but what’s one of the things mikey seeks out when he needs distractions? comic books. superhero comic books. a genre where betrayal is almost laughably frequent and expected to the point of parody. the concept of being betrayed by someone you trust or love is no doubt hovering around in mikey’s subconscious. he already thinks of himself and his brothers as superheroes--he IS a superhero. so, here in this nightmare, he’s experiencing his first "real" betrayal.

and it's not lost on me that... out of the four of them who almost joined the foot? leo. leo’s the one mikey’s having the nightmare about.

take this knowledge and move back to sainw. don disappearing on his family, in a time when mikey needs him most? …that’s a betrayal. sainw!mikey’s world is not only crumbling around him, but if we were to assume that his deepest fear is the same as our mikey’s, then his worst fear has also come true: someone close to him who he loves has betrayed him. don left. the team didn't work anymore. splinter died. raph and leo separated, they "aren't with anyone" anymore.

i think the only smile we get out of sainw!mikey is after don pleads to leo and raph to help him, and leo and raph shake hands. just this... brief blink-and-you-miss-it smile. it's so fleeting.

sainw is probably the most blatant example of mikey’s 1 being active, but there is one specific example we get with our mikey.

mikey beat raph that one time aaaaand uuuh--

originally this was going to be a part of the season four discussion, but it became its own thing. i don’t think i’ve ever seen anyone really take note of this, let alone acknowledge it, either. but me sitting here and putting everything through an enneagram filter while rewatching episodes made a light go off.

for starters, i need to reiterate what i said back in raph's post in the season four section: i don't agree with master splinter when he says that all of the boys except leo have healed from their wounds after defeating the shredder. i know what was more a script-thing to emphasize the journey leo's going on, but i really need to restate that i think all of the boys are on the unhealthy end of their enneagram spectrums. their stress numbers are present and active, and this is going to be one time, i think, we see our mikey lean into his. with intent.

grudge match (s4ep6) feels like the episode where the change in leo’s demeanor is beginning to have an actual effect on the family unit. the first three episodes of the season were more an adjustment and ‘’’healing’’’ period in their post-shredder lives, the fourth was leo and casey, and the fifth episode we can see leo's change isn't going away but the 'ripple effect' hasn't quite kicked in yet. it's grudge match when raph begins confronting leo on his shift in attitude and don remarks on the increased intensity of the training.

between the end of the battle nexus arc (s2ep23-26) and grudge match, mikey will sometimes boast about being the battle nexus champion (as is his god given right), and i think it's fair based on dialogue and his family's reactions that he does it off-screen, too. but.

the only time (i'm pretty frickin sure) he brings up that he beat raph is at the very, very end of the last battle nexus episode (s2ep26) and right here in grudge match. it’s no secret that mikey enjoys playfully antagonizing his brothers from time to time, and that he has a tendency to target raph with shenanigans and teasing. but the exchange in grudge match, both due to context and the energy feels… different.

at the end of the big brawl - part four, raph says mikey won on a technicality. to which mikey responds "um. TECHNICALLY, i kicked your sorry butt in one of the bouts. remember?". the energy and body language behind it is much more passive, playful and, overall, good-natured. raph doesn’t respond to it well and tackles mikey to the ground (this would be the first time leo and don are learning this specific information as well), but i think it’s safe to say the remark from mikey was meant to be more competitive ribbing than it was anything else. in grudge match, though?

before this exchange even happens, raph’s temper is already set off--he’s not starting from a more neutral, calm state like he did at the end of the big brawl. leo's insistence on more intense training has him heightened, angry, and wound up. mikey uses his win as a reason to blow off training, and this just fans the flame. raph challenges mikey's status as the battle nexus champion and states he won on sheer, dumb luck. and when mikey says “well, if i remember correctly, i beat YOU fair and square”, he doesn’t just physically lean in once, he leans in twice and that second lean is to emphasize the 'you'. we don’t get to see how raph responds because master splinter interjects, but given that immediately following mikey’s remark don visibly winces, states “ooh i don’t wanna see this”, and removes himself from the space? i think it's fair to say the result would have been... explosive.

8s are competitive. and when it comes to their competitive nature, it’s important to remember they hate losing more than they love winning. winning is good because it cements their capability, but losing is awful because it risks affirming their basic fear. 8s believe they'll be okay so long as they are strong and in control of their situation. i think raph’s feelings toward his loss go beyond just the fact that he lost to mikey. it’s less that he lost to mikey… and more how he lost to mikey. because mikey beat him not by out-fighting him, but by drawing out raph's temper and letting it get the better of him, wear him out, and ultimately be his own undoing. in a way, raph didn't lose to mikey, he lost to himself. and he did that publicly. this wasn't in the privacy of his own home during a training session, or a one-off with some purple dragons in a dark alley-way. this was public. with thousands of eyes watching. when he realizes he lost in that episode, raph says the line "i'll never be able to live with myself!" and while it's most likely dramatics, i feel like there's just the smallest sliver of truth to it. the fact it was mikey, at the end of the day, doesn't really matter. he lost agency to his temper again.

i’m bringing all of this up to say that: given the atmosphere of ‘the room’, raph’s already heightened state… this was a very bad time to dig the knife in, and mikey did it anyway. much like sainw!mikey chose to break the news of splinter's death to don in a harsh way, mikey’s choosing to defend his status in a harsh way. this could easily be an example of that 'hit-and-run' tactic i mentioned in the stress section; mikey's hitting raph with something he knows will further set him off, possibly as a way to redirect his family's frustration with him onto someone else. but, master splinter sees through it. he interjects and keeps attention focused on mikey before raph has the chance to explode.

now. i think it’s more than fair to say that mikey would know raph hates losing and that his temper is a strategic weakness, considering their fight in the battle nexus showcased he knew exactly how to work raph into being his own worst opponent, defeating him without even touching him. but remember at the beginning of the post where i said there's a bit of a disconnect between them, as their only link in the 7 is through a wing rather than a core number?

mikey may know that this is a dig at raph, but it is possible he doesn't know how deep it runs or that raph losing his temper isn't JUST a strategic weakness, it's directly tied to an 8's fear of being controlled/losing control. mikey may not know it was a bit more targeted than he intended it to be, but he doesn't pause or slow down to consider this. the 5's not here right now, the 1 is.

the first half of season four, for the last time

i’m certain there’s already been some observation about mikey and leo’s relationship throughout the first half of season four, and how--out of the brothers--mikey is the most attentive toward leo’s shift in attitude. it’s also interesting to see mikey’s assertive core and compliant wing sort of swing back and forth. i’m both going to talk about mikey’s interactions with leo, here, but toward the end, also his interactions with raph.

as discussed in raph’s post, in cousin sid (s4ep1) raph at first responds positively to leo’s shift in attitude and goes as far as to make a joke he probably shouldn’t have (ye ol' 7 wing). leo turns on him, but mikey gets between them and shuts the interaction down before it can become anything bigger. and, be it for leo’s benefit or his own, he takes charge of getting raph somewhere he won’t be a danger to himself.

in the people’s choice (s4ep2), mikey’s the one who pauses when he notices leo’s not following them to the mill and asks if he’s coming or not. it's a small moment, but he wanted leo to be included in their fun adventure.

as i said in leo’s post, we get a great exchange between leo and mikey in grudge match. to reiterate the exchange:

leo: …no. like pushing yourself beyond your limits. to a place where there are no limits. to be so focused, so ready that nothing and no one will ever catch you off guard again! mikey: um. …we still talking about me, here?

7s will do almost anything to avoid engaging in painful emotions, so when mikey picks up on the fact that leo’s projecting he points it out indirectly. leo doesn’t engage with this observation… so, mikey defaults to making a joke that he could still forfeit. but, as with this episode feeling like the first time leo's shift is shown to have a ripple effect on the family, i think this is the episode where mikey starts to engage with this shift. both in regards to leo and to his brothers.

in wing and a prayer, as i said earlier, leo tries to tell mikey that they need to train so that they’re ready for anything. mikey retorts by quoting master splinter... kind of:

“worry leads to fear. fear leads to anger. anger leads to worry. …--no, hold on. fear leads to anger. anger leads to hate. hates leads tooooo… a dark and moody leo”.

that pesky 7 of his is once again preventing him from communicating directly, but i do think mikey is trying to communicate here. and not JUST to leo. don and raph are also present, and raph even steps into frame as mikey finishes talking. they are, unfortunately, interrupted. and i hope all those pigeons are okay.

in dragons rising (s4ep10) while leo’s training at the beginning of the episode, he has a brief interaction with mikey (and klunk). mikey tries to ask him “how's it going?” but leo doesn’t respond and carries on. mikey then turns to klunk and states that “leo’s mister personality these days” and that “he’s getting tired of it, himself”. this could be his core's assertive type at play. it's expanding a bit, pushing what leo's going through away for mikey's own protection. but toward the end of the episode, after leo chews them all out and storms off, we see raph, casey and mikey in the back of the battleshell. raph verbally expresses agreement with leo, and mikey… kind of nods. i think he not only listened to leo, but also took raph’s acknowledgement/agreement into consideration. i think raph and mikey value each other's opinions a lot more than they let on. we have direct evidence of mikey looking up to raph (he asks himself "what would raph do?" in christmas aliens), and i'll get to raph in a second. back to mikey's handling of leo.

in all hallows thieves (s4ep12), mikey makes a leo-o-lantern. he could be trying to make leo laugh or smile or just… tap into the nostalgia that comes with halloween for them, but he doesn’t get much of a response.

when we finally reach samurai tourist (s4ep13), we have a small collection of things that have happened: mikey has acknowledged leo was projecting onto him in grudge match, mikey has potentially tried to communicate leo’s position and mental state to the other three in wing and a prayer, and mikey has now heard leo express his frustration that they keep losing and that he feels like the rest of them are treating it like it’s all a game. meanwhile, raph is still keeping leo at an arm’s length and is fighting with him and don still seems to be choosing not to engage with leo if he can avoid it.

at the start of the episode, raph and casey discuss leo's behavior. raph's irritated, and casey's treating the whole thing quite flippantly. likely getting antsy about the direction the conversation's heading, mikey makes an attempt to derail it: he jokes that he COULD be training, but it's free comic book day. ...it doesn't work, though. and the conversation continues. as the camera jumps around, mikey starts to look a little irritated, and this time he speaks up for real:

i think all of you should just lay off the poor guy. i mean, it can’t be fun. always being the responsible one? and we’re the ones who really benefit! raph’s free not to think because leo does all the thinking for him. don’s free to dream. and i’m free to take it easy! all because leonardo is busy being responsible enough for all of us!

i hesitate to say that mikey's 5 is doing the driving because he’s not slowing down to engage with his OWN negative and painful emotions. this is much more his 1 at play, taking the moment to 'teach' the others (and even if it is being triggered from an unhealthy state, he's right). it could also be a bit of that 6 wing, that compliant type, trying to be more directly 'in service' to leo rather than tap-dancing around the problem in wing and a prayer.

he acknowledges that the position leo’s in “is not fun”, which is a simple but important line coming from him because 7s will FLOCK toward anything 'fun' in order to avoid pain. this is a way of saying he knows leo’s in a lot of pain, and he then points out how each of them are benefiting from leo’s responsibility (including himself is some of his 5 engaging, as he’s at least embracing some of this guilt rather than denying it by virtue of expressing it).

unfortunately, we don't get to see the other two engage with this because leo pierces raph’s punching bag with his sword and raph starts to have an outburst. but this moment is also kinda interesting.

mikey shouts “easy, raph!” and helps casey hold him back, but don... doesn't do anything. i know he wasn’t standing close to raph, but we've seen him cross spaces in order to help hold raph back in the past. him choosing to remain where he is (and it's not that he's not animated, he puts his bo staff back in his belt) could be that continued choice to remain distanced and disengaged from this entire ~thing~. i think it’s also worth noting that raph’s 5 is active and, in piercing the sandbag, leo just broke one of raph’s resources. might help explain his aggressive reaction.

moving forward from samurai tourist, i mentioned back in raph’s post that there's a shift after mikey shuts their conversation down with how raph responds to leo’s behavior. i think, given that he values mikey's perspective and opinion, he took what mikey said to heart even if it is kind of too-little-too-late.

mikey calls leo’s outburst in the ancient one (s4ep14) before it happens, stating that he thinks “the cork’s about to pop on that unopened bottle”. this is followed by raph calling leo 'a hot-head' and stating that he hates it when leo reminds him of himself (a much gentler observation and description than saying "leo's gone mental"). …and right after this, we get a parallel to meet casey jones (s1ep4), with leo striking master splinter in place of raph attacking mikey. ( idk where else to put this, but while mikey, raph and don are outside splinter’s room listening to splinter and leo talk, and they turn to look at each other uncertainly? mikey looks to raph.)

after the efforts in samurai tourist, it’s kind of sad to see how mikey refers to leo in scion of the shredder (s4ep15). it would seem that compliant type has stepped back, and the assertive type is at the front of things again. where raph refers to leo as “a bum” (again, much gentler terms than we were getting before), mikey’s the one who asks if leo’s going to come back “normal… or, like… MORE normal. because before he left, he was acting kinda… y’know” and he draws a coo-coo next to his temple. raph promptly smacks him for this. leo attacking master splinter may have not only driven up mikey’s 1 (scathing remarks and judgemental views are active) but also woke up that fear of betrayal.

i dunno. it’s just interesting to see that AFTER mikey brought attention to where leo’s head is at, raph started to back off. and after leo took a step too close to something mikey’s afraid of, mikey’s quick to retreat back into old habits and--for the first time since this arc started--starting to throw insults in leo’s direction (and insults in the same line raph was taking from, no less). that compliant type might have been willing to step forward before and do a service to leo by bringing awareness to his condition… but now the assertive core has moved back into place, expanding to keep danger and pain away.

conclusion

as mentioned in part 1, the two books i referenced and heavily pulled from in the more enneagram-focused sections of this project (the parts where the enneagram itself is explained rather than how it applies to the turtles) were:

the wisdom of the enneagram by don richard riso & russ hudson

the road back to you by ian morgan cron & suzanne stabile

bro i straight up do not know how to top this off. i can’t believe i’m finally done with this after over a year and a half of working on it. <xD absolutely wild. and i just wanna thank anyone who took the time to read all of this, who left me something nice to say, and/or who shared it around. i really, really appreciate it. it’s obviously been a lot of work.

as i’ve said throughout the other posts, should i return with more things to say i’ll make addendums and link them along as i go. but for now: it’s been fun! time to return to art and fic writing. but later. because i'm braindead as all hell right now.

[bee-s-corner]

top surgery fund

okay i'm being the bravest ever and actually sharing about the top surgery fund in my bio.

i just officially made a gofundme for my ~irl~ fund. because i don't want to give my personal info out, including my face, i am doing a separate fund using ko-fi for tumblr stuffs. the full amount i'm fundraising for is $2500 but i'm just putting the ko-fi one for $1,000 for now. that way if i end up getting a lot through gofundme, i can change the amount and keep things honest on the ko-fi side. i'm not out here trying to make extra money or anything (not that that wouldn't also be nice cause we strugglin).

if you do have the means to donate, it means everything to me <3 thank you so so much. here is the link: https://ko-fi.com/charlesjames16

if you can't donate or don't feel comfortable, i completely understand. please consider sharing this post instead!

under the cut is the exact message from my gofundme page, so you all know the story too!

so much love, charles

Hi! My name is Charles. I'm a trans masc person and I am finallyyyy getting top surgery - a thing I have been talking about since I was 14 - this August! This surgery is going to very literally save my life, and I can't express how relieved I am that it's finally almost here.

I'm currently in grad school for social work and public health, with the goal of becoming a licensed clinical social worker so that I can offer counseling to other trans folks, primarily teens. Because of being in school, my finances are really tight. I'm unable to work very much between school and disabilities, and I'll be working even less starting in the fall as I'll be starting my social work internship.

So, I'm seeking support to help me cover the costs associated with my top surgery. I won't be able to work my job at the coffee shop for a month, so need help covering food and rent; my surgery is a 5 hour drive away so I have to stay at an airbnb for a few days and cover gas costs as well; then there's the actual cost of the surgery (which is currently an estimate). I've outlined what I roughly expect all of these things to cost below, and added it up to be about $2,500. I genuinely just don't have that money, so literally anything you're able to contribute will help me so, so much.

If you're not able to donate, please share this! That is just as big of a help. I appreciate anyone who has read this, chooses to donate, or shares this fundraiser with others. You're all contributing to trans joy and liberation! <333

Much love,

Charles (he/they)

Cost Breakdown:

~500 for the surgery

~500 airbnb

~200 gas

~800 rent

~400 food

~100 gofundme fees

[bee-s-corner]

an excruciatingly long ramble about the ‘03 turtles and the enneagram 🐢💜 pt4

[ intro + disclaimers post ] [ pt 2 - raph ] [ pt 3 - leo ]

don, 5 with a 4 wing

intro

alright, donnie-bear, it’s your turn in the spotlight. which i know you hate, so i’ll try not to keep you too long.

don doesn’t really get to have like… a season-wide growth or 'arc' of sorts (leo’s is a main focus of season four and raph’s is more of a subtle thing you can notice as the series progresses). what’s interesting is, in some ways, being a 5 could explain that. IF we wanted to be charitable and say never addressing the wild shit don goes through was intentional. but i know that’s more self-indulgence or wanting to gently take the writers by their shoulders and shake them on my end.

please, flying spaghetti monster, get these boys some goddamn therapy.

let’s begin.

bare basics of the 5

5s are one of the three withdrawn types (along with 4s and 9s), and they’re members of the head triad (made of 5s, 6s and 7s).

the withdrawn types lack differentiation between their conscious self and their unconscious, unprocessed thoughts, impulses and feelings. their unconsciousness constantly wells up into consciousness through daydreams and fantasies. all three of the withdrawn types respond to stress by moving away from engagement with the world around them and into an “inner safe haven” in their imagination. in other words, they have a habit of “zoning out”.

the head triad may also be referred to as the ‘thinking’, ‘reason’ or ‘fear’ triad. members of this triad are concerned with anxiety; they carry a great deal of fear and are driven by it. they feel they experience a lack of support and guidance, and because of this they often engage in behaviors they believe will enhance their safety and security. they take in and relate to the world through the mind, and they tend to think and plan carefully before they act. 5s externalize it, 6s internalize it, and 7s forget it.

a 5’s basic fear is that of being helpless, useless, overwhelmed or incapable

their basic desire is to be capable and competent

they believe they’ll be okay so long as they have mastered something

childhood take-aways

as you likely expect, we return to the quote from master splinter in things change (s1ep1):

“your path in life will not be an easy one. the outside world will not be a friendly place for you. you four are different in ways the surface dwellers would never understand. to survive, you must master these skills i teach you: the powers of stealth and secrecy. you must become kage, shadow warriors, and you must never be discovered by the outside world.”

young 5s tend to be quiet children who occupy their time with books, collecting insects or plants, learning a musical instrument, using a computer, or playing board games or with chemistry sets rather than participate in play with their peers. anxious parents might find themselves coaxing their young 5 into basic activities--joining a sports team or going to a playground--in an effort for their child to be more ‘normal’; these efforts are often met with intense resistance from the 5. the 5 will sometimes feel overwhelmed by their protective figures, and they'll seek out other ways to feel secure and confident.

as children, 5s see the world around them with startling clarity. they elaborate on it in their minds, which will have repercussions later on for better or for worse. these types value independence--or, more accurately: non-intrusion. early on, 5s learn to believe that by not asking much from you, you won't ask much of them; through that, 5s attain safety and a feeling of control. as a way of defending themselves, they learn to cut themselves off from nurturance--any painful feelings of need and longing--by staying in their minds.

something i find interesting about the lesson (s3ep13) in retrospect of the enneagram is what don and leo choose to focus on when teaching a young casey. now, i know in some way the choices were kind of narrative jokes (as well as poking fun at the fact they’re like eight-years-old and trying to teach something complex like martial arts) but i think, in don’s case, there’s a bit more going on.

leo, who in his older years more focuses on strategy, went for meditation as his starting point (likely remembering where his own ninjitsu training might have begun and wanting to do it 'right') whereas don went for strategy as HIS starting point.

one could argue that out of the four brothers, don is the ‘weakest’ fighter (in terms of technique and natural skill, NOT physical strength; i will get to that). rather than focus on where his ninjitsu training began and giving casey the chance to see if his own physical abilities can develop, don goes right into where he knows HE’S capable: the thinking aspect. planning.

splinter says “to survive, you must master these skills”, and here is a young don already recognizing that out of the four of them, he needs to rely on something more than just ninjitsu skills alone.

don’s best tool in an actual confrontation at this point--what would keep him capable and ‘not useless’--would be navigating a battlefield strategically and keeping himself one step ahead of his opponent.

in flashbacks from tales of leo (s1ep19), we can see don’s built himself a little robot car. this, obviously, will serve no form of protection or security in an actual fight or time of emergency; it’s a toy. he’s a child with a still-developing brain and knowledge of the craft. there's no context to if this story takes place before or after the events of the lesson, but it's evident he's already pursuing other areas to (hopefully!) master outside of ninjitsu that could aid him later.

don as a 5

5s can sometimes be nicknamed: ‘the thinker’, ‘the innovator’, ‘the observer’, ‘the sage’, ‘the specialist’, ‘the radical’, or ‘the expert’.

more than any type, 5s want to find out why things are the way they are. behind their relentless pursuit of knowledge is a deep insecurity about their ability to function successfully. 5s feel that they do not have an ability to do things as well as others. they believe in the safety and security of their own minds.

5s are highly motivated by a desire to understand. to them, gathering knowledge and mastering information are keys to survival. 5s collect and horde information like dragons to gold; they want to know at least a little bit about every obscure topic. they don’t want to appear foolish or uninformed, or be humiliated by not having the correct answer. while don’s physically present at the hockey game in the golden puck (s2ep18), he’s got his nose in a book about the sport's history. this could not only be his 5’s desire to collect information, but also an attempt to understand something casey (and maybe by proxy, raph) is interested in.

5s have a presentational or lecture-like “talking style”; if you ask them what they feel, they’re more likely to tell you what they think. due to this, they tend to respond to problems rather than react to them. it’s this ability that helps don stay as the level-head out of the four brothers. like 9s, 5s are able to remain neutral and see both sides of a conflict. but where a 9 might be worried about hurt feelings, a 5 will look at the situation objectively and shoot straight with you (a contributing reason to why raph might respond better to don calling him out than leo or mikey; don is always going to be straight-forward with him, something 8s, as we covered, value). raph and leo, being on the gut-triad, have a tendency to react to their instinct, and mikey doesn’t always slow down enough to exercise his 5 (it’s his security number, and we’ll get to that).

from a narrative/’tope’ standpoint, you could look at don having 'random' knowledge outside of his usual science and engineering expertise as him filling his narrative role as “the smart one”, but his 5 could also serve as an explanation for why he just… can either read or recognize an italian phrase in the darkness within (s3ep14) or why he has a pigeon puppet in search for splinter (s1ep25) that my bird-loving ass continues to be DELIGHTED over to this day. a 5 never wants to be put in a position where they have to depend on others to take care of them. the idea of losing their independence and self-reliance terrifies them. so, they gather all sorts of information and ideas and resources they deem potentially useful later.

and semi-due to this, the average 5 has a bit of a scarcity mentality. they’re careful to measure how much time they’re spending with others in comparison to time they spend honing their abilities to master something or expand their knowledge. this might lead to them hoarding their space, time, and even affection. it’s common for a 5 to have a space that is THEIR space. this could be as small as a specific chair they always retreat to for reading (that they get a little territorial about should you find yourself sitting in it one day), a corner of the garage, or a larger space such as a study or work-room. don, of course, has his lab which seems to be a (questionably) repurposed subway car for the majority of the series. i don’t know how he got it in the lair… that’s a question for another day. and given a 5’s secrecy and independence it, frankly, wouldn’t surprise me if no one knows how he got it in there. we'll touch on that more in a bit.

don’s wing was probably the hardest for me to pin down out of the brothers. i remember on the same site i saw raph being labeled as an 8w9, don was a 5w6. it took a lot of thinking, a lot of reviewing, but i’ve decided i disagree.

it’s possible he might reach for the 6’s influence from time to time, but i decided on 4 for two key reasons:

5s with a 6 wing tend to be more argumentative and will even actively antagonize people who disagree with them and their views (gives me more stockman energy than it does don; not saying stockman is a 5, tho), and

when mikey’s talking about the different freedoms they all have due to leo shouldering most of the responsibility in samurai tourist (s4ep13), he says don’s free to ‘dream’.

mikey’s insight and that word choice are important. again, i can’t help but wonder if the site’s decision to give don a 6 for a wing was to fully put him on the thinking triad rather than give him a foot in the feeling triad.

the 4’s influence brings with it the more surreal and fantastical; 5w4s are more creative and often seek niches unexplored by others, able to tap into the imaginative side of their brain rather than only the analytic. i think it goes without saying that several of don’s inventions are outside the norm and incredibly creative and innovative. the tunneler, whose existence would even be the undoing of the shredder in another world, is a fantastic example of this. additionally, don's limited access to resources forces him to think and problem-solve more even creatively, and i wouldn't be surprised if that fueled and developed his 4 more than his 6.

5s with a 4 wing are sometimes nicknamed ‘the iconoclast’. they’re creative, sensitive, and empathetic. they’re not always sure what to do with their feelings and prefer to process them in solitude. these 5s are more prone to experiencing melancholy, but they’re less emotionally guarded around others and tend to be better at being kind to themselves. they tend to be more creative than the other sub-type; their tinkering with familiar forms, ideas and concepts can lead to startling innovations. they’re often drawn to the arts, and their curiosity and perceptiveness combine with the desire to express their unique and personal visions.

stress & security numbers

don’s stress number is a 7, so in times of high stress and low spirits he’ll begin to express the negative traits associated to 7s. stressed 5s hoard and cling more tightly to things, make their world smaller and smaller, and will turn their attention away from the needs of others. in worst-case scenarios, they might refuse to help at all or even become hostile to the suggestion, as it would require them to use their valuable time, energy and resources that keep THEM safe. they might become frivolous, disorganized and distracted to the point of not being able to complete tasks and stop thinking about the consequences of their behavior. they’ll begin feeling even more inadequate, feel sorry for themselves, and do whatever they can to avoid pain.

these 5s become more impulsive, their minds speed up--restless and agitated--and they feel more compelled to distract themselves. under extreme stress, they might even become aggressive and insensitive in their pursuit of… whatever it is they want at the time.

examples of don’s 7 showing up could include:

his outburst at his brothers at the start of return to the underground (s2ep13), his frustration with himself for not being able to find a cure for their friends below, and remaining confined/isolated to his lab while his brothers continue to go about their lives and other activities

straight up ripping professor honeycutt’s head off in worlds collide pt1 (s3ep5) because he panicked. funny as it was, mikey’s right… that was kind of extreme. aggressive, impulsive, and insensitive, one might even say

we get a glimpse of one of don’s workstations in bad day (s4ep8) and it's a complete mess. it’s possible that leo’s shift in attitude is wearing don down internally. he’s not taking care of his spaces, and he might not be taking care of himself much, either.

in dragons rising (s4ep10), when leo’s hanging off the back of a truck and mikey’s sliding on the hood of the battleshell, there's a pair of dragons in a truck behind them. those dragons rear-end the battleshell, and don doesn’t hesitate to shoot a fucking missile right into the driver’s seat. had those dragons not thought fast enough to bail, they'd be off the census.

also in this episode, after don tries to look on the bright side (saying they stopped half the convoy) and leo snaps at him, he’s turned away from leo for the rest of the scene--he’s even cut out of the frame in one shot. boy has: completely withdrawn from the ‘conversation’ while the others remain engaged and listening.

don’s security number is an 8, so when mentally and spiritually healthy he’ll begin to adopt the positive traits associated with 8s. with the influence of their 8, 5s become more spontaneous, outspoken and physically present. they get energetic, confident, and much more talkative. the difference can be quite striking to people, leading to playful questions like “what’s gotten into don today?”.

secure 5s become more willing to participate rather than just observe. they feel empowered to take on major challenges, and some will even pursue or assume leadership roles. rather than fear the loss of the abilities or expertise that they’ve been careful to cultivate in isolation, they harness those skills strategically and constructively. they come out of their own heads and embrace a deeper contact with their vitality and physicality. they can take on a whimsical or dark sense of humor, and take delight in puns and wordplay. a more mischievous, lively and elfin side of them begins to show through. a 5 who wants to experience the abundance of life without worrying about what they can afford to lose is one on the high side of an 8.

examples of don’s 8 surfacing could include:

whenever we see him engaging in play with his brothers; he’s not only choosing to be present and share his time with them, but he also seems to--pardon the pun--come out of his shell a bit more. examples could include darkness at the edge of town (s1ep6), reflections (s2ep9), space invaders pt 1 (s3ep2), nobody’s fool (s3ep11), and time travails (s3ep17)

in the king (s1ep16) when the champions all battle cry and rush into the fight, he joins them. battle cry and all. fucking dweeb.

suggesting they all go get ice cream in the ultimate ninja (s2ep10); it’s small, but don’s choosing to not only remain present but to leave the lair and do an unplanned activity with the others

any time he exercises that gentleman’s snark of his, but i’m going to choose a class favorite: “nighty night, dragon-boy” from cousin sid (s4ep1)

how giddy and talkative he is at the start of return of savanti (s4ep20).

don’s 8 is subtle, but it breaks his habitual patterns. people who aren’t that familiar with him might think this is just him behaving ‘normally’, but those who do know him understand that he prefers being left to his projects, studies, and ideas. when he chooses to not only be present in the moment and spend his valuable time with his loved ones, it’s him leaving his safe spaces, risking to use up those resources he so carefully maintains and allowing himself to feel good and be confident in areas he’s normally not. his 8’s a little difficult to spot, but it’s there if you know how to spot a 5 dipping their toe into gremlin-mode. and it is highly endearing.

just don’t tell sam regiel that, he lives 24/7 in gremlin-mode, sometimes figuratively, sometimes literally, none of us are safe--

cardinal sins - 5 and greed

much in the way that raph’s cardinal sin wasn’t a surface-level explanation, neither is don’s. because i can already hear some folks protesting in regard to how generous and selfless he is. i hear you, and you’re correct. materialistically, 5s can be extremely generous. … however, as the greediest greed to ever greed once said:

“you humans think greed is only about money and power. but everybody wants something they don't have.”

remember that the thinking and head triad can also be called the ‘fear’ triad, and that types in this triad struggle with and are driven by fear. fear makes 5s shrink inward, and avarice makes them hoard whatever minimal resources they have around them. their greed, their avarice, focuses on their inner resources, their energy, and their time. they’re greedy for knowledge and improving their expertise, and they can easily feel intruded upon and learn to protect themselves by emotionally withdrawing from people.

5s want to conserve their energy and resources in order to avoid needing others too much, trying to take as little from the environment and those around them as possible. they feel as though there is not much of them to go around, and the needs of others can deplete or exhaust them. don even laments in his official profile that he longs for the day he can be left alone to explore his interests, and that maybe someday "he'll have the time he needs".

in new blood (s3ep12) don 'cheats' at their game of ninja hide-and-seek by using nightvision goggles to quickly find his brothers. he's both making up for, in his mind, his natural skill at the game, and he's possibly looking to speed things up a bit so he can return to what HE wants to use his time doing. i think it's also worth noting that in city at war pt3 (s2ep16), don’s the one who asks karai what’s in it for them should they agree to help her. in exchange for the valuable resources the turtles will give to help karai (their time, their energy, their literal safety), what do they get in return?

it’s also important to recognize that 5s consider information a resource. due to this, 5s are extremely private and secretive people. it’s rare for any one person to know everything about a 5; each colleague or friend might have a part of a 5’s story, but no one person or even group of people will have the whole story. 5s might even go out of their way to not introduce certain circles of friends to each other due to an underlying fear that they all might talk to each other and be able to piece together what information about the 5 they have. that information--their lives and experiences--is THEIRS. keeping that hidden away, not sharing that resource, is a method of security.

i think we get a fair amount of glimpses into this aspect of don throughout the series, and the first is quite earliy on, but small. when they meet april (s1ep3), don’s not the one who introduces himself as the tech-wiz in the group. mikey’s the one who talks him up, and don even tells him to ‘cut it out’ (even if he says this playfully or humbly, this is not technically mikey's information to share).

the way mikey reacts to don's pigeon puppet suggests this is the first time any of them have seen the silly thing. as far as we know, he never tells his brothers about the events of the king (s1ep16) or that he got tortured by triceratons (s3ep3)--FOR information, at that!--or about where he went in same as it never was (s3ep21). and the whole time he’s sick in the latter half of season 4, he keeps brushing it off as just a bug bite and then a cold. he’s probably in a lot more discomfort than he ever lets on, but… eh, no one needs to know that. it’s probably nothing. this is both HIS information… and, also, leans into the 5’s negative trait of neglecting their own health in stressed states and minimizing their own comfort. they don’t want to have to rely on anyone for anything.

as with raph and leo, let’s also peek at the other cardinal sins associated with don: with his 4 wing, 7 stress and 8 security, the others in his circle would be envy, gluttony, and lust respectively.

SaiNW and don straight up disappearing

a gentle content warning for mention of death in the last paragraph of this section. i know it’s kind of a ‘dead dove, do not eat’ situation with this being sainw and all, but just so you know it’s coming.

as i mentioned in an earlier section, don’s 5 aids him in being the level-head in the family. sainw!mikey even remarks on this in the episode (that "they really needed that level-head of his"). i mentioned in that same section that mikey does have access to the 5, with it being his security number, but… given the environment of sainw, i think it’s fair to say that all of the turtles would have been in the most unhealthy state of their core number. this would mean mikey’s 5 is closed off, and he’d be leaning more into his 1. they, as a team, had lost their links to any of the positive influence that could have come from the 5’s respond over react nature.

don’s disappearance is left vague, not only to us as the viewers but also to his family. he just disappeared. and when his brothers finally see him again thirty years later, it’s not even their don. they're just as in the dark as we are, meaning there was no big fight or blow up or otherwise ‘obvious explanation’ as to why don would have left without a word.

i discussed leo and raph's types at their highest and lowest points, so let's pause to take a look at don's real quick. at their healthiest, 5s can be described as: participating and visionary, observant and perceptive, focused and innovative. at their unhealthiest, they become: nihilistic and eccentric, horrified and delirious, oblivion seeking and self-annhilating.

the series itself is officially twenty years old, and sainw is one of the most utilized episodes when it comes to the creation of fanworks, so i’m sure just about every reason under the sun has been either touched upon or hinted at or explored to explain why don vanished the way he did. and, sadly, thanks to don’s 5, they could all work in my opinion. it’s painfully simple.

5s, due to their need for independence as well as their reluctance to talk about themselves, are the types of people who will leave the house without a word. if they realize the house coffee supply is running low, they’ll grab their keys and head out to the store. they have a library book that's due soon, so rather than go directly home after work like they usually do they'll detour to drop it off. maybe they just feel like taking a walk; out the door they go. no “hey, i’m heading out, be back in ten!”, no text, no post-it note, nothing. it’s not a reflection on how they feel about you or anyone else, it’s just how they are.

it wouldn’t surprise me at all if don was guilty of this. maybe in the middle of a project he realizes he needs something from the junkyard, flings his duffel over his shoulder and just heads out to go grab it real quick. if no one happens to cross his path between his lab and the garage door, he won’t go out of his way to tell anyone where he's off to or that he's leaving at all. they probably won’t know unless one of them text or call him (rip leo and raph’s stress-o-meters). there’s, of course, a chance his family has caught onto this habit and requested he let SOMEONE know, but… that also means don would have to comply to that. be it intentionally ignoring this request or maybe just being too wrapped up in his work or creative excitement to get what he needs and continue making progress that he just plain forgets to say something, who knows.

sainw!don likely did the same thing, and his exit would have likely been paired with a more unhealthy and stressed state of being. for some reason, a reason we’ll never have, he left their hideout and all dialogue/evidence points to no one happening to cross his path on his way out to learn where he was going.

maybe he just needed air. maybe he was trying to get supplies. maybe he got captured and/or killed while he was out there. maybe there are details surrounding casey and/or splinter’s death that we don’t have that caused him to actually want to break off from the others and go on his own (the 7 in him stopping him from being attentive to the needs of others and withdrawing in full, hostile to helping). maybe he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and a genuine, unrelated accident cost him his life and no one knew where he was or even to go looking for him when he never came back. we don’t know and we never will. it's another layer to the tragedy of the episode.

[ryan bergara voice] what happened to sainw!donatello will always remain… unsolved.

i’m sorry, if i don’t meme at least once in this section i will be depressed for the rest of the day, let’s move on.

brains and brawn? you mean don.

this has been commented on in the fandom a handful of times over the years: don’s probably the strongest, physically, out of the brothers. yeah, stronger than raph. there’s evidence not only in-series, but if you consider the enneagram aspect of don and his 5, it opens another perspective into some of the things we might not get to see on screen.

take don’s independence for example. the fact he doesn’t ever want to have to rely on anyone else. sure, yeah, being in danger out on the field--he’s aware of when he needs help and will ask for it in that aspect, as he has recognized that ninjitsu is not the ‘skill’ he has mastered or has aimed TO master… but he’s not going to ask his brothers for help moving things around in his lab (especially given that his lab is one of HIS spaces). he’s going to do it himself, even if he has to spend two days building a one-use pulley system to make it happen. this is the enneagram type who just flat out leaves the house without telling anyone anything. you think he’s gonna wander out of his lab and ask someone to help him move a giant tire if he can figure out a way to do it himself? hell no. god forbid.

think about all the shit don has to move on a day to day basis to build and fix and modify the stuff he does. the average weight of an eight-cylinder car engine is between 400 to 700 pounds (that’s 181kg to 317kg). and the original battleshell wasn’t just a van, either, it was an armored car they ‘borrowed’ from the purple dragons (s1ep1). we see that he has a car engine removed and suspended while he fixes it in lone raph and cub (s1ep24) and it's fucking huge. it’s so funny to think that raph is over here like “i’m gonna be so strong [works out in his free time]” and meanwhile don’s out beside some abandoned car somewhere with the hood propped open like “hmm… i COULD call one of my brothers and ask them to help me strip this engine out and get it home… but i could also not do that [proceeds to not do that and gets it home himself]”.

i acknowledge that some of these can be dismissed as "cartoon physics", but humor me for a paragraph.

given that everyone else was busy fighting, don had to've dragged stockman's robotic arm--which is bigger than him--from inside the building to the outer edge all on his own in return to new york pt3 (s1ep23) so he can cover raph from the roof. we’ve seen don single-handedly lift a metal beam off his person (s2ep20), we’ve seen him stop an underwater fan with his staff and force it to stay still (s3ep9), we’ve seen him jam his staff into solid fucking cement cement (s2ep14), when everyone was getting sucked into the portal at the end of the battle nexus it was traximus--the eight foot triceraton--THEN don keeping the chain anchored to the ground (s2ep26), he’s thrown triceratons around with his own two hands--lifted one out of a vehicle even (s2ep4), he dragged two of his unconscious brothers toward the pedestal in april’s artifact (s2ep21), he and raph are both bearing the brunt of the weight of a slab of roof after the foot’s training building collapses in city at war (s2ep15), he’s been at the top of the turtle chain at least twice in the series when they’re hanging off of something (s1ep2 & s3ep26) which means he’s holding up roughly 720 pounds with just his own damn hands and arms.

in his pursuit to master mechanics while being fully independent in doing so, not needing to rely on his brothers to help him move things from the junkyard to his lab to the final piece, he’s unknowingly made himself the team muscle, too. my brother in bushido, do you even lift? yes.

anyway the entire point of this section is to say that whenever i see 03 don written as the physically weak one because he’s the nerd and not the most skilled fighter, i’m immediately yeeting myself out of the conversation. he’ll scrap with you in the vacant lot behind the arby’s and win.

yet another section about the first half of season 4

since we talked about raph and leo’s perspectives in this area of the show--and since i plan on dedicating a section for mikey in his post--don deserves a lookover as well.

if you were to ask me who was probably coping the worst with the outcome of exodus, it’d obviously be leo. duh. but if you were to ask me who was coping the worst aside from leo, i would place my money on don. the series doesn’t allow him to process like it did with leo, and if you zoom out a bit and look at season 3… there’s not a lot of time, we can assume, between sainw and exodus. narratively, there are three episodes, but two of them (the real world parts 1 and 2) take place on the same day as sainw. in both sainw and exodus, don is the last man standing at the end of the fight. in sainw he defeats the shredder after his brothers have perished. in exodus, master splinter and his brothers are all downed. leo and raph are even lying beside each other again. the whole thing had to’ve been too close for comfort on a variety of levels. a slap of deja-vu he didn’t ask for and that no one else in the room is going to understand.

we don’t get to see a lot of don directly engaging with leo’s shift in attitude throughout the earlier half of season four and, maybe while not purposeful by the writers, i think at least some of that could be contributed to his 5 dipping into his 7. where raph is challenging leo’s attitude shift and starting to push him away by becoming hostile (as a way of protecting himself), don is just straight up not engaging with leo at all if he can help it. in his head, he doesn’t have the energy or capacity to deal with this right now. his own inner resources are low, he’s still healing from sainw and exodus on his own, and not only does he not want anyone to know about that, he just can’t deal with leo’s needs at the moment.

his shared glee with raph over mikey having to do a rematch with kluh (s4ep6) could even be attributed to his 7’s desperate and scattered need for a distraction--a change of pace--oh, thank god, not only will this keep leo’s attention off ME and he’ll stop dragging me into training, but maybe it’ll humble mikey enough to get him to stop antagonizing raph for a day because the air around here is already too tense.

when we get to the opening of samurai tourist (s4ep13), don points out that raph’s right in recognizing leo’s shift in behavior is getting worse, but he does so in a way that's uncharacteristically removed for him.

“leo’s gotten really intense. ever since our final showdown with the shredder, he just seems so… angry."

like... this is an extremely surface level observation for the same guy who noticed that they very well could have been in nano’s position had master splinter not been a good person (s2ep11), or who pointed out to mikey that he shouldn’t call the undergrounders ‘monsters’ when to most people they are ALSO monsters (s1ep14), or who connected the dots that if it hadn’t been for the shredder they never would have become mutants (s2ep9), or who didn’t hesitate to give zog a breathing aid because he knew oxygen was poisonous to him (s2ep19)--just to name a few instances.

don has consistently throughout the series been empathetic and aware of the experiences and emotions and needs of the people they encounter. now, one of the people he knows better than anyone else on the planet has drastically changed, but all he can say is that he seems angry. don isn’t in a healthy enough place to feel secure in using his inner resources to spend on leo. they’ve all likely been focused inward and on keeping himself afloat, keeping his own struggles invisible and minimized, keeping his head down while tensions rise between raph and leo.

again, i wish so badly that the series had taken the time to explore the ripple effect of leo’s damage as well as any healing that the other brothers needed to do rather than simply saying “they’ve all healed, but you, leo, have not”. because i just don’t believe that. i do like that the brothers seem to be responding in their own ways to leo’s shift, with don and raph being on the unhealthier end of that and mikey being on the healthy side, but… yeah. wish we had a half season to explore all of them. guess that’s what fanfiction’s for.

conclusion

oh my god, i can’t believe i only have one post left in this series to do. after over a year of working on this thing to finally see it come to a close is kind of wild. honestly, it was getting to the point i was wondering if i’d do it at all (which is why i just FORCED myself to post the disclaimer post as a way of holding myself accountable jfdkls).

anyway, i’m very excited. mikey’s the last one to go, and--as i had a reason i chose to cover raph first--i have a reason i chose to cover mikey last. the reason might be evident if you’ve been paying attention, too. but i’ll elaborate on that a bit more once we get into the post itself. u-u/!

thank you so, so much for reading yet again, and i hope you enjoy the warm drinks and snacks i set out for you. see you in the next one!

[bee-s-corner]

an excruciatingly long ramble about the ‘03 turtles and the enneagram 🐢💙 pt3

[ intro + disclaimers post ] [ pt 2 - raph ]

leo, 1 with a 2 wing

intro

to reiterate some things i said in raph’s post, where i believe raph starts the series at his lowest point, leo ends the series (in terms of this project) at his lowest point. leo seems to be in his healthiest state in seasons 1 and 2, which will be reflected in the security section of this post, and the first half of season 4 is when we see him at his worst. while i wish we’d gotten to see more of a ‘full arc’ for each of the boys, i’m glad we at least got to see it for one.

speaking of ‘one’ (haha, segue!), let’s take a quick look at a 1's basics. i’ll be following the same format i did for raph’s post, so feel free to revisit his should you need a refresher on terms.

bare basics of the 1

1s are one of the three compliant types (along with 2s and 6s), and they’re members of the gut triad (made of 8s, 9s and 1s).

i realized shortly after publishing raph’s post that i never explained what i meant by him being an 'assertive type', and it’s as i bring up leo that i realize i should have elaborated a bit. if you’re reading these as i publish them, it’s now been added in this section of raph’s post.

when i say that 1s are 'compliant types', i mean that they’re people who move toward others. they like to be of service to the people around them. this isn’t to say they’re blindly compliant in a literal sense to other people, more so that they feel the need to obey internalized rules, principles and other dictates they’ve learned in their childhoods.

as previously mentioned, members of the gut triad seek autonomy and they’re concerned with control of their environment and resistance. 8s externalize it, 9s forget it, and 1s internalize it.

a 1’s basic fear is of being ‘bad’; defective, evil, or corrupt

their basic desire is to be good, in balance, and virtuous; to have integrity

they believe they’ll be okay so long as what they do is right.

childhood take-aways

we return to the quote from master splinter at the start of things change (s1ep1):

“your path in life will not be an easy one. the outside world will not be a friendly place for you. you four are different in ways the surface dwellers would never understand. to survive, you must master these skills i teach you: the powers of stealth and secrecy. you must become kage, shadow warriors, and you must never be discovered by the outside world.”

i think it could go without saying that the turtles’ lives as kids had to’ve been chaotic from the word ‘go’.

you’ve got master splinter single-parenting four boys (all while dealing with his own grief and newfound human-level intelligence), having to hide from the rest of the city’s population, living in the sewers with limited resources, knowing that you’ve only got each other because the surface dwellers will never accept you, the reason you’re even learning ninjitsu is so that one day--should you ever be discovered--you’re capable of defending yourself, the list goes on.

additionally, in attack of the mousers (s1ep3) when master splinter states that april knowing they exist puts them in great danger, leo points out that she was in danger. raph then asks master splinter “yeah, aren’t you always teachin' us to try and do the right thing?”.

from this we learn that on top of teaching the boys ninjitsu, splinter is teaching them morals. you could argue that this is obvious since they’re aware of the concept of ‘honor’, but i think it’s important to distinguish that this is an unwarped version of ‘honor’ (karai is an example of that, but we’ll get to her). they’re not only being taught how to survive and protect themselves, but they're learning the differences in right and wrong in ways that extend beyond themselves and their own needs or goals. when it comes to leo and his 1 this is important to keep in mind.

in a similar way to 8s, 1s often grow up too quickly. young 1s might respond to chaotic conditions around them by becoming hyper-responsible or taking the place of the voice of reason in their families. they develop a sense of seriousness and adult responsibility at an early age. they understand that their parents (their ‘protective figure’) expect a lot from them, and it’s not uncommon for them to take on those expectations earnestly. this allows them to establish some sense of autonomy and boundaries--both of which are important to their type.

1s as children will often try to surpass what is expected of them by adhering to self-inflicted rules so rigorously that no one will be able to catch them in error. this will earn them their independence. they feel they have to come up with a better set of rules for themselves than that of their protective-figure, so they will be capable of deciding what is right or wrong.

leo seems to acknowledge his need not just for order in his profile, but also the need to make up for any ‘slack’ left by his brothers. he states that he’s not trying to be perfect, just ‘perfectly proficient’.

…leonardo, my love, i’m gonna give you a chance to hear yourself say that again. this isn’t only alliteration, it’s also synonymous.

leo can be seen practicing ninjitsu outside of ‘normal training’ at least once every season, something we rarely see his brothers doing (raph exercises, mikey will sometimes 'train' but it seems more like raph or a brother was looking for a sparring partner and mikey isn't taking it seriously, and don almost never trains in his free time).

in meet casey jones (s1ep4) he’s practicing his split-kick. at the start of city at war (s2ep14) he’s trying to do the whole… spinny-stab the target thing. he’s the one training at the start of the time scepter episodes (his episode being s3ep22), whereas his brothers are engaging in their individual interests. there are multiple examples to pull from in season four, but i think the example that speaks blatantly to the 1’s need to not just meet their expectations but to surpass them is found in the ancient one (s4ep14). he demands of master splinter “when are you going to teach me something i don’t already know”. this is, however, a bit complicated as it occurs when leo's in his most unhealthy state.

we've seen in flashbacks, specifically mikey's from tales of leo (s1ep19) that leo has always taken ninjitsu and his training seriously (and, we can assume, those lessons in morality and honor). he feels he needs to surpass splinter’s expectations, as well as pick up the ‘slack’ from his brothers. looking back to his official profile, he states "i must be there to compensate for their lack of focus".

i feel the need to quickly point out that don, mikey, and raph pursuing interests outside of ninjitsu is NOT "bad". through the mind of a 1, however, these 'distractions' might keep them from meeting what's expected of them. not being able to meet expectations is 'bad'.

1s need to be good. if no one else will do it, they step up to the plate. even if it's not what they want to do, they believe it's what they should do. what they need to do.

leo as a 1

1s can sometimes be nicknamed: ‘the perfectionist’, ‘the reformer’, ‘the idealist’, ‘the judge’, ‘the critic’, or ‘the motivator’.

an ‘average’ 1, in terms of mental and spiritual health, can be described as having a judging or comparing mind that is almost magnetically pulled to notice errors and imperfections. they struggle to accept that mistakes are inevitable, that perfection is an unreachable bar, and they fear the tyranny of their critical inner voice. because, and i cannot stress this enough, where Pinocchio might have had a nice little cricket as his voice of reason and consciousness, 1s have a critic that perches on their shoulder just beside their ear and points out every little thing ‘wrong’ around or with them. in attempting to create their own brand of perfection, they’ll cultivate their own hell instead.

1s believe that being strict with themselves and achieving self-discipline will justify themselves in the eyes of those around them, as well as in themselves (and you need to remember that word: justify). neatness and order are often comforting to 1s; it makes them feel safe and less anxious.

1s want to be good people. they always want to do ‘the right thing’. should a stranger on a stormy night board a bus and express need for warm food and shelter, any 1 aboard that bus would believe it was their responsibility to ensure that person received proper care and safety; it’s the correct, responsible thing to do, and we should all expect it of ourselves.

i always get profoundly sad whenever i see people harping on leo in the 03 series or saying that his personality is just ‘the leader’ or that he’s boring. 1s are more than capable of being goofy, sarcastic, and playful--and we see leo tap into this part of him several times throughout the series! but that inner critic, the voice in their head warning them not to be caught slipping up, can be deafening more often than not. due to the nature of the series, we only really get to see the turtles "in a situation", NOT during downtime. leo's 1 has to be engaged... someone has to be taking things seriously, after all.

it's also important to note that being responsible, doing what’s expected of them (be it the expectations of others or of themselves), is one of the ways that 1s say “I love you”. they may not vocalize this often, nor be the most physically affectionate, but a hug from a 1 comes in many other forms. you just have to pay attention. an example from one of my books is to imagine what may have happened in your neighborhood during a major storm. after it blew over, your house was the only one with power and heat because your parent, who is a 1, bought a back-up generator years earlier and regularly checked to make sure it was properly serviced and fueled. that’s a hug from a 1. they’ll keep track of your doctor’s appointments, they’ll find ways to make life work on a budget, do whatever they can to make the world a more comfortable and secure place for you.

returning to leo’s 03 profile, he states that he trains diligently and reads up on strategy to better prepare himself and his family for times of stress. since this is a way that 1s express their love, it’s no wonder that the events of exodus damaged leo as much as they did; him 'not being capable or prepared enough' keep his family safe means that he fell short in more ways than just skill or ability. what if they start to think he didn’t love them enough to do more?

leo’s relationship with karai throughout the series can really underline his 1 and his need to maintain his integrity as well as do what’s right. there are multiple instances where choosing to do nothing would have removed her from the chess board: letting her deal with the fallout of her plan in city at war (s2ep16), from saving her from falling to her death in be-jing (s3ep15) to going out of his way to save her in hun on the run (s3ep18) despite the protests of his brothers, to--once again--catching her from falling to her death in exodus part 2 (s3ep26).

karai even remarks in that episode of exodus that he’s “much too kind”. (you’re goddamn right he is, this boy has a fear of heights and you’re constantly falling from shit, yet he snatches you out of the air anyway even at the risk of his own safety tf).

1s with 2 wings are sometimes nicknamed ‘the advocates’. average-health 1s of this subtype are active and outgoing people. they are comfortable being alone, and do require a good deal of “down time” to recharge and think, they’re energized by engaging with others and refining their ideas. when on the healthier side of a 2, they can be quite extroverted, helpful and empathetic. under the influence of a 2, these 1s are more sensitive to the needs of those around them. on the low side of a 2, however, they can be more critical and controlling. they feel strongly that they need to make a difference and try to accomplish too many tasks in one day, and they can be much more fiery and action-oriented than 1w9s.

healthier 1w2s can blend their quest for ideals and higher principles with higher empathy and compassion for others. they’re genuinely interested in improving mankind and are more willing to get into the trenches to bring about the changes they seek. people of this subtype are persuasive and go out of their way to get others to care about the causes and beliefs they do.

i didn't do this with raph since don and mikey will serve as explanations for the thinking triad, but we don't have any turtles whose core type is on the feeling triad. since leo and don both have wings in the feeling triad, let's do just a little briefing here while we're on the subject of leo's 2 wing.

types in the feeling triad (2s, 3s, and 4s) are concerned with love of a 'false self' and their self-image. they seek attention and have issues with identity and hostility, and often times they struggle with an underlying feeling of shame. 2s focus outwardly on the feelings of others; they need to feel needed. leo may not have a 2 as a core number, but having a 2 wing means he's often influenced by that type.

stress & security numbers

leo’s stress number is 4; he'll begin to adopt negative traits associated with 4s when stressed or in an unhealthy state of mind.

that inner critic gets louder and louder, and the 1's desire to ‘fix’ the things around them goes into overdrive. they can become resentful toward those around them for having fun, become sensitive to criticism and will often become depressed. they may even begin to feel unlovable.

in times of heightened stress, 1s might not only lean into the 4’s habit of daydreams and fantasies, longing to be free from the things they consider their obligations and responsibilities, but their inner critic will ridicule them for it. they’ll begin to have profound feelings of guilt and shame, they'll garner an even deeper resolve to hold those desires at bay and deny themselves things that could bring them happiness and peace. they’ll begin to believe that no one understands them or sees how hard they’re working. they’ll grow moody, melancholic and withdrawn. all that discipline and self-control will collapse into frustrated feelings of envy and resentment. it could lead to emotional outbursts and hostility, and should they be questioned about it they’ll only become more self-conscious and self-controlled. when a 1 finally blows a valve, someone almost always gets burned.

some examples of leo’s 4 showing up are:

his frustration toward splinter at the beginning of the shredder strikes (s1ep10)

multiple expressions of hopelessness and sadness about getting home to master splinter throughout the space arc (s2ep1-4); raph is often the one assuring HIM

his nightmare throughout darkness within (s3ep14) and how it potentially, if you squint, ties into his apology to master splinter at the end of exodus (s3ep26) when he says he failed him; that nightmare came true

…do i even need to mention anything from the first half of season four, or do we just already know

leo’s security number is 7; in a healthier state of mind and spirit, he takes on the positive traits of a 7.

similarly to how don and raph have common ground beneath the surface, i think leo and mikey shake hands on that front as well. which just makes me all the more feral about mikey having leo’s back in the first half of season four. leo’s security number being a 7 means that mikey’s stress number is a 1. whether mikey knows it or not, i think this link helps him connect with leo easier than don and raph can (this isn’t so say they can’t, of course, just that it comes a little more natural for mikey).

as we’ll cover in mikey’s post, 7s are much more perceptive than people assume they are. mikey not only knew leo was struggling with the weight of his self-assigned responsibility, i think he understood it on a deeper level.

in a healthier state, the 1’s inner critic will get quieter. they become more self-accepting, fun, spontaneous, and willing to try new things. they’re more curious and optimistic, more able to relate to the perspectives of others. they learn to relax their guard, allowing themselves be affected by reality (to go with the flow) without needing to tense against it.

it’s as they learn to distinguish themselves from the voice of their inner critic that a 1 will begin to experience the qualities of a healthy 7: open-mindedness, curiosity, enthusiasm and joy. “there is a crack in everything; that’s how the light gets in”.

some examples of leo’s 7 coming to the surface are:

the “your reign of terror is OVER, stockman” in attack of the mousers (s1ep3)

telling a foot ninja they don’t take kindly to shop-lifters in a museum (s1ep6)

throwing a vehicle-chair at a triceraton whilst telling them they look tired and should have a seat (s2ep2)

giving raph fucking SPOONS for weapons (s2ep3)… the absolute mad lad, he really said “here lmfao” and gave his brother soup utensils to fight 8 foot dinosaurs. for the meme. an entire utility closet of potential weapons… and he gave the boy spoons. because he knew he’d be fine.

letting casey sweat while enemy GUNS were actively pointed at him in the golden puck (s2ep18) jesus christ

the rooftop race with raph in touch and go (s3ep8) and telling him to “step it up, sNAIL BOY”

leo’s 7 surfacing will never not make me violently affectionate toward him. every silly quip and one-liner and bad pun and terrible impression of professor honeycutt (s3ep5), like, bye, i need to sign the adoption papers immediately. it’s not easy for him. and i love that there’s almost always an awkward quality to it because he’s out of his element--he’s letting himself be… stupid. imperfect. lame, even. and, god, is it cute. i’m so endeared. i gotta lie down.

cardinal sins - 1 and anger

while the 1’s cardinal sin might be ‘wrath’ or ‘anger’, a truer word to their experiences is ‘resentment’.

their anger is directed both at themselves for failing to live up to their ideals and expectations as well as at others for what 1s see as laziness and irresponsibility. this could be anything from a classmate not pulling their weight on an assignment to someone 'breaking the rules' at a checkout line (this line is for ten items and under, you clearly have thirteen).

as 1s become less healthy, they begin to displace their anger onto others as they make themselves the only judge of who is right or wrong; they grow more irritable with others as they seem to be getting off the hook without consequence. they often will feel that those around them aren’t taking an equal share of the responsibility and seem to be having all the fun. but, unlike an 8 who chooses anger in place of what they're really feeling, 1s don't want you to know they're angry. because being angry is 'bad'.

where 8s externalize their anger and 9s try to forget it, 1s will hide theirs away beneath the surface, where it will begin to express itself to everyone around them in smoldering resentment.

anger is often a secondary emotion; it’s a way of resisting an attack on our integrity and--when fully experienced--it is instantaneous and short-lived. however, when we resist it or hang onto it, it cultivates into obsessive thinking, emotional constriction and physical tension. 1s, seeing anger as something ‘bad’, will experience their anger without identifying it as such. they’ll deny their anger, stating things like “i’m not angry, i’m just trying to get it right” or “i’m not mad, i just don’t understand”.

in short, leo would be that dad who tells you he’s not mad, he’s just disappointed. [everybody disliked that]

1s will also often try to find a cause or a reason in order to justify their anger; something they can fight but in a way that is ‘good’. that way their anger ‘makes sense’ and isn’t 'selfish', they’re angry for a good reason, and they have something to act on.

i think we get our first real glimpse of leo’s cardinal sin as early as the shredder strikes (s1ep10). master splinter tells him that if doesn't learn there is no 'superior weapon' and that ANY weapon can be deadly in the right hands, then he will have learned nothing. leo then goes topside to blow off steam. and while verbally expressing his frustration--sorry, i mean confusion, he's not MAD he just doesn't get why he's 'in trouble' when his skill is the best it's ever been--he slices up a pack of helpless newspapers who were just minding their own business.

resentment is described as “bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly”; in leo’s mind, he thinks master splinter is treating him unfairly. telling him that despite all his training and all the work he’s put into ninjitsu that if he doesn’t understand the value of a weapon is in its wielder he’s learned NOTHING. "master splinter just doesn’t understand how important these swords are to me!". that’s a bit of leo’s 4 showing through: no one gets it, no one understands me.

as we mentioned with raph, i’d like to also take a look at the other cardinal sins attached to leo’s core type. his 2 wing, stress 4 and security 7 would give him pride, envy, and gluttony respectively.

city at war

ah shit… here we go again.gif

we talked about the build up to city at war in raph’s post, so i don’t think we need to do that a second time here. both because… none of the facts and details of the timeline change with the shift in perspective, and because that history leading into the events of city at war don’t necessarily influence leo’s 1. the most important connection when it comes to leo is the fact that the major players in the city are in a turf war because the balance of power is now unstable.

leo’s seeing the effects this power struggle has on the city--and the innocent people living in it--and his 1 can’t help but draw a thick, red line from ‘we killed shredder’ to ‘we caused this and this is our fault’.

he tells master splinter that he’s confused in s2ep14; he thought things would change for the better after they defeated the shredder, but they seem to only be getting worse. he states “don’t ask me to explain how, but it feels like our fault”. and WHO understands what he’s talking about?? mikey. the other turtle with a 1 connected to his type; he's engaging with his stress number while raph leans fully into his 5.

leo decides to directly disobey master splinter, stating that he CAN’T do ‘nothing’. it wouldn’t be right to just shrug and turn a blind eye to this.

and i just have to point out… for pete’s fucking sake, boy’s about to throw himself into a building of foot ninja. ALONE. after just last season facing them and almost DYING because of it. he’s about to put himself through that trauma all over again--WILLINGLY--because he just... can’t shake this feeling that this whole thing is their fault. they have a direct connection to this domino effect as far as he's concerned, and it's his responsibility to fix it. SOMEONE has to.

we’ll never know if the turtles’ involvement up until karai’s appearance in new york actually did help or if it just added more fuel to the fire, but i think leo in a lot of ways would have been doomed to just keep digging his heels in and trying to 'help'. because as things would get worse, it would just solidify his worries even more.

we can’t even really determine if helping karai was the best move because her plan BASICALLY failed, and they only made it out of there alive because raph and master splinter showed up with the element of surprise. once again, there’s too many moving parts, too complicated of a situation to play the “what if” game, everyone was stupid and lucky. mikey’s not wrong when he says karai’s plan kinda stank.

…speaking of.

i guess we should talk about karai

yeah, you can’t really talk about 03 leo without acknowledging his relationship with karai. i’m not gonna dwell on this too much, because this post ain’t about her, but for full disclosure karai is one of those characters i very much want to like but… girl. stop it. get some help.

karai tests leo’s 1 in a lot of ways. we meet her, of course, in city at war (s2ep15). it’s kind of an unsettling return to the shredder strikes in an odd sense, as leo is once again given the offer to join forces with the foot (only with the illusion of grandeur swept away). this time around, it’s not only in the hopes of giving balance back to the city and its inhabitants, but also an olive branch between the foot and his own family. no revenge for the shredder's destruction.

because you know. he's totally dead. ...totally.

buuuuut. rogue in the house (s2ep19) happens. rest in peace, zog. the foot have very much NOT kept their word, as the boys intercept a fake master splinter meant to expose and destroy them from the inside. karai is tasked with killing the turtles herself as proof of her loyalty toward the shredder (and that warped sense of 'honor' meaning she's bound to serve him). and when confronted with this she even kind of blames leo for the position she's put in, stating she wished he wouldn't have come here [taylor swift's look what you made me do playing in the distance]. like... sweetheart, darling, gravy, we wouldn't be here if y'all hadn't offended our dad by trying to kill us with his likeness!

leo gives her the option to do the right thing and let him live, and she does. at the end of part two (s2ep20) she doesn’t report them having survived the ship sinking.

i can’t help but wonder if leo sees himself in karai (this is not me saying karai is a 1, mind you).

like, in the sense that ch’rell almost tricked him into joining the foot, ch’rell took her under his wing when she was young. only... she didn’t have a family to pull her out of the illusion and bring her back to reality. when you’re looking through rose-tinted glasses, all the red flags just look like flags. no one was there to help karai take hers off after ch’rell took her in. she still thinks she’s fighting that greater evil instead of realizing that she's fighting alongside that great evil.

and leo keeps getting glimpses that she knows something’s wrong. be it sparing his life and not reporting them in rogue in the house, thanking him at the end of hun on the run (s3ep18), or knowing that shredder’s actions are putting the citizens of be-jing in great danger (s3ep15), it’s clear she has SOME moral compass buried under everything ch’rell has taught her and lead her to believe.

the 1 in him can’t abandon her. it wouldn’t be the right thing to do to turn his back on her when there are still signs she can be helped. so he keeps extending her that hand. he keeps trying to get through to her and lower the bridge. until she finally burns it down, herself, when she tries to wipe out his family in scion of the shredder (s4ep15).

i know she gets a bit of a redemption arc in s5, but... as stated in my disclaimer post, the majority of my attention and weight is given to seasons 1-4. frankly, i feel the damage is done. karai’s doubled down, and leo’s resentment toward her--for allowing herself to become no different than ch’rell, for going back on her word personally (the shredder is gone and she's no longer 'honor-bound' to his orders) and trying to kill his family herself--is going to be a hard, hard thing to mend.

it's sad. i say that genuinely.

the first half of season four and… yeah

so back in raph’s post i listed some words to describe 8s at their healthiest and at their unhealthiest. let’s take a look at 1s.

1s, at their healthiest, can be described as accepting and wise. evaluating, reasonable, principled and responsible. but at their unhealthiest, they can become self-righteous and inflexible. obsessive and contradictory. condemnatory and punitive. the first half of season four is just a slow, painful spiral of watching leo becoming more and more withdrawn, more self-punishing, and more angry.

things start relatively ‘light’.

in cousin sid (s4ep1) through sons of the silent age (s4ep3), leo’s less angry and more just… distant and sad. this is like the calm before the storm. we see him disengaged a lot, not really paying attention to the conversation around him and often times staring at his own reflection. his 4’s habit of slipping into daydreams and wallowing in melancholy has him stewing over the events of exodus--replaying them again and again in his head as his inner critic scrambles to point out everything he did wrong and invent what he “should” have done. he even says this himself to april, that he can’t stop thinking about it. that no matter how he tries to rationalize or, quote, “JUSTIFY” it, he wasn’t good enough. remember what i said back in the earlier sections of this post? 1s feel the need to justify themselves in the eyes of those around them, as well as in themselves. leo can't find a way to do this with how exodus played out. he wasn't prepared enough. he wasn't good enough.

dragon’s brew (s4ep4) is where the calm ends and the storm begins. we start the episode off with casey confusing leo for raph. leo’s anger is starting to bubble, but his 1 doesn’t allow him to just sit there and be angry. because being angry is not ‘good’. so, we gotta do something with that anger in order to justify feeling it. …oh, look. there’s been a lot of crime lately. could be a new threat. don’t like that. …who can i snoop around with who won’t ask questions? who won’t try to get in my way if i get a little excessive with burning off this not-anger i feel?

casey.

problem is, like we mentioned earlier in the cardinal sin section, anger is only short-lived when you allow yourself to feel it and let it go. when you try to smother it--try to put it away and call it something else--it contorts into something worse. as master splinter said in s1ep4, “rage is a monster that will destroy you from within”.

… …foreshadowing is a literary device wh--

grudge match (s4ep6) is where the storm is here, and now there's resistance to it. like i said in raph’s post, this is where raph first confronts leo on his change in attitude, albeit master splinter interrupts this. at this point, mikey seems to be the only one connecting dots. like i’d said, his type having connection to a 1 might make understanding leo come more naturally to him than to raph or don or even master splinter.

we get, just… a great bit of dialogue here when looking at them from an enneagram lens.

leo: …no. like pushing yourself beyond your limits. to a place where there are no limits. to be so focused, so ready that nothing and no one will ever catch you off guard again! mikey: um. …we still talking about me, here?

this exchange is great for two key reasons:

(one) you’ll remember what i said in the childhood section of this post about 1s adhering to self-inflicted rules so rigorously that no one else will be able to catch them in error, and

(two) that mikey IMMEDIATELY realizes leo is projecting. he just doesn’t address it directly because that’s not how 7s operate with heavy or hard topics (we’ll get to that).

leo continues to either reframe or relabel his anger and obsessive training into something else during bad day (s4ep8). he describes it as ‘doing what he has to to keep this family safe’, despite that master splinter is giving him one hell of a side-eye and radiating sure, jan energy.

in dragons rising (s4ep10) the boiling point is on the horizon. leo lashes out at his brothers, verbally, reprimanding them for taking everything 'too lightly'. they only stopped HALF of the dragons. they need to stop treating ‘this’ like it’s all a game.

in samurai tourist (s4ep13), we get to see mikey once again being the most empathetic and understanding of leo’s current mindset, directly pointing out that leo often "picks up their slack" so they can do whatever they want. things are bad enough that master splinter has reached out to usagi as an effort to get through leo's walls. usagi almost… ALMOST gets through to him.

he’s been in something similar to leo’s position, understands and empathizes with the rationale of self-blame. for the first time, leo’s talking to someone he admires and looks up to who is ALSO on common ground with him. you could argue that master splinter should be able to fill this role, but if i may point out two things: not only is usagi more a peer than he is protector or mentor or parent, but splinter was also just a normal rat when he was unable to protect yoshi... i doubt leo would want to listen to that be given the same weight.

leo's even about to open up when they’re interrupted. that interruption leads into a fight with an assassin… a fight that, unfortunately, only seems to affirm how leo feels about needing to protect his family, needing to be ready at any and all times, and never being caught off guard again.

the valve finally bursts in the ancient one (s4ep14).

this is leo’s lowest moment in the series… and it’s a parallel to raph at his worst moment all the way back at the start of the series. leo loses control of his temper, and he lashes out, physically, at master splinter. his rage and resentment--be it with his brothers for “”treating this like a game”” or with himself for not “”being good enough”” or master splinter drawing attention to his anger, questioning it--is destroying him from the inside.

leo only begins to finally heal after he allows himself to not only feel all of that anger in its earnest, raw form, but also expresses it with every literal fiber of his being.

seeing his warped memory, interpretation, whatever you want to call it of the events of exodus is just… a lot. i don’t really have the vocabulary to articulate that experience, of having stewed over something for so long that you’ve rewritten events so pressure and expectations were placed on you that were never there to begin with. don, mikey, raph and master splinter never said any of those things in exodus, but at this point that’s how leo remembers it.

he not only fights the golem physically, but he’s verbally airing out that he did everything. there wasn’t anything else he could do, and the golem is WRONG in thinking that there was. and when he sees himself under the dirt and clay... it clicks.

in those last few moments of the episode, he acknowledges that he’s been obsessed, convinced he wasn’t good enough, that he was angry, and had become his own enemy. accepting the reality that he DID do everything he could and that it was enough, and flowing with it rather than bristling and tensing against it and punishing himself for it.

the scene ends with the ancient one telling him a story of when master yoshi, someone leo has respected and possibly idolized from splinter’s teachings, was also at a crossroads “not dissimilar to his own”. more assurance after usagi that he’s not alone in this, and even someone he holds in such high regard as yoshi has also struggled but found a way to be okay with imperfection.

he’s not hiding the cracks anymore. he’s looking at them. accepting them. and he’s letting the light shine through.

conclusion

again, i don’t really know how to end this. i may not be a 1, but i have a 1 wing, so… while i don’t feel what leo feels to the same intensity, i get glimpses of it in smaller doses. it’s a lot of self-inflicted pressure, a lot of stress, and a lot of anxiety. i hope the next time someone catches themselves getting bored or irritated with the guy that this post opens a bit more empathy to him. kid’s doing his best, and a 1’s inner critic is relentless.

if i have anything more to add, i’ll include them in addendum posts and link them to this one.

we’ll be moving on over to don with the next post. if you made it all the way to the end of this post, thank you so much for reading/engaging with this wild project of mine and here: please have some brownies fresh outta the oven with a splash of vanilla ice cream, if you’d like. see you in the next one!

[bee-s-corner]

a little bee-lated (lmfao) but still in aries season, so it COUNTS. a very happy and lovely birthday to @bee-s-corner. =u= 💜🌷 congrats on another trip around the sun, my dude. PROUD OF YOU.

sorry to anyone who just started your career, bianca's about to end it.

[bee-s-corner]

an excruciatingly long ramble about the '03 turtles and the enneagram 🐢❤ pt2

[ intro + disclaimers post ]

raph, 8 with a 7 wing

intro + why raph

welcome to the first of these giant posts. i’m. not kidding, you’re gonna click ‘read more’ and see why this series is titled “an excruciatingly long ramble”. i’ve done my best to section it off so you might have an easier time finding your place again if you need or want to take breaks. there’s no way i’m going to cover everything there is to talk about, so i might write and link ‘addendums’ to these posts later on as i think of things.

since raph is the first one, his might be a bit longer than the other three because there are a few enneagram terms that i’ll define as we go. you can then take those with you to the upcoming three posts. so please bear with me, grab a snack, a drink, some nice background music, and WE RIDE.

• . • . •

i wanted to start this project with raph because i feel like we start the series at his lowest/unhealthiest point.

only four episodes into the show (meet casey jones, s1ep4) we see him lose control of his temper in a serious way: he attacks mikey. throughout the rest of the episode he's forced to ‘face himself’ in casey and start monitoring his anger.

while we see him continue to grapple with his anger throughout the series, this is his worst moment. he has nowhere to go but up. in contrast, we see leo in probably his healthiest state of mind at the beginning of the series only to be at his worst in the first half of season 4. but back to raph; we'll have time for leo later.

as the series continues, we see glimpses of this temper rear its head again, with some examples being at the end of their encounter with karai in city at war (s2ep16) or during his fight with traximus in the battle nexus (s2ep24). in these instances, we get a close-up shot of his eyes narrowing and, with traximus, the area around them darkening. this was something that was specifically focused on during s1ep4 whenever he began to lose control. the loss of control is still THERE, it’s just less frequent now. he’s growing.

i think it’s also important to highlight that mikey ribs on him during the battle nexus (s2ep25) not unlike how he does in s1ep4, too. sure, they might be in an environment that shields them from danger of serious injuries, but i think it says a LOT that mikey’s comfortable provoking raph to the degree he does. raph’s acted on his apology, has done work, and mikey knows this. he's watched him do it. it's time already to be The Worst™ again.

but enough about why i chose raph to go first; let's cover the basics of an 8.

bare basics of the 8

as stated in the introductory post, the enneagram focuses heavily on the why and the motivation behind your behavior.

8s are one of the three assertive types (along with 3s and 7s), and they’re a part of the gut triad (made of 8s, 9s, and 1s).

the gut triad may also be referred to as the ‘doing’ or the ‘instinct’ triad, as they respond instinctively and tend to be honest and direct in their self expression. i’ve also seen it referred to as the ‘anger’ triad since these types tend to have problems with aggression and repression, and they can carry a great deal of rage. types in the gut triad seek autonomy and are concerned with resistance and control of their environment. an 8 externalizes it. a 9 forgets it. and a 1 internalizes it. there’s a lot more information about the triads out there, but this is what we’ll take with us for now.

an 8’s basic fear is that of being harmed or controlled by others, of violation.

their basic desire is to protect themselves and determine their own course in life.

they believe they’ll be okay so long as they are strong and in control of their situation.

childhood take-aways

at an early age, 8s begin to understand that in order to keep their environments, themselves, and the people they care about from being hurt, they have to have willpower, persistence, and endurance. 8s often “grow up too quickly” and focus on survival issues. they’ve picked up that “might makes right”.

we don’t get to see a lot of the boys’ youth, but we’re given an idea in the first episode, things change (s1ep1), of the perspective they were raised under. i’ll be referring back to that throughout this section of each post. master splinter states:

“your path in life will not be an easy one. the outside world will not be a friendly place for you. you four are different in ways the surface dwellers would never understand. to survive, you must master these skills i teach you: the powers of stealth and secrecy. you must become kage, shadow warriors, and you must never be discovered by the outside world.”

8s ask themselves “how can i--and the few people i care about--survive in a cruel, uncaring world?”. it’s possible that this way of thinking was only solidified by movies they saw growing up, or even witnessing what casey was going through during the lesson (s3ep13). if the outside world isn’t friendly to what it considers ‘normal’, then surely it won’t be kind to what’s different.

8s were often independent, adventuresome, and assertive as children. they'd be found running ahead of the pack. they’re the kid who will stand up to the playground bully without flinching. they might have questioned authority, trusting themselves more than most adults, which lead to being punished frequently.

8s often find themselves in the role of the scapegoat, the “black sheep” or problem child. raph even calls attention to this, himself, in his ‘03 profile: referring to himself as “the angry young man” and “the dark one”.

it's brief, but i think we get a glimpse of this in s2ep23 at the start of the battle nexus arc: master splinter starts to express his disappointment in leo for following him to the nexus, but raph steps in immediately to shoulder the blame. he could have stayed quiet but, no. he’s the ‘problem child’ here. he can take the heat.

raph as an 8

now that we've touched on the basics of an 8, as well as a few things they may have picked up early in life, let's take a look at raph and his 8.

8s can sometimes be nicknamed: ‘the challenger’, ‘the leader’, ‘the protector’, ‘the provider’, ‘the entrepreneur’, ‘the maverick’, or ‘the rock’.

i’ll continue to refer to raph by his numerical type because, while the nicknames that grant a surface idea of their behavior, most users of the enneagram prefer to avoid descriptive labels. one 8 might feel being called ‘the provider’ suits them while another 8 might not see themselves in that label at all. nicknames are quick summaries/general ideas, but it’s good practice to use the number type itself.

an ‘average’ 8, in terms of their mental and spiritual health, tends to be a steamroller rather than a diplomat and have a black and white way of thinking: people are good or bad, an opinion is right or wrong, the answer is yes or no, etc. this isn’t to say raph can’t acknowledge nuance (far from it), but rather that 8s believe not having clarity or absolute certainty about your position and viewpoints represents weakness or--worse--cowardice. the rest of us have opinions, the 8 has facts. they don’t have a lot of patience for indecisive people, and they might use aggression to emotionally protect themselves. many exhibit an abundance of common sense.

8s are extraordinarily tough, physically and mentally. they can absorb a great deal of punishment without batting an eye. raph has a tendency to be the one catching blows for his brothers or guarding them during fights. we can refer back to being the 'problem child' as well; he can handle the heat. he’s an anchor who keeps his brothers grounded when worries spike, and he tends to be blunt, to the point, and possibly the most ‘world-wise’ out of the four.

8s want to be loved but often feel rejected or like misfits, which becomes more evident in their “take it or leave it” attitude as they get older. you can accept them as they are, or you can get out. they attempt to protect themselves by rejecting others first, and they might develop a fear of dependency. the “i don’t need you guys” sort of mentality. during tales of leo (s1ep19), raph even says “who needs you?” to leo before he tells his story.

it likely goes without saying that raph, like many 8s, admires strength. since their basic fear revolves so much around maintaining what power and control they have, 8s are the types of people who can walk into a room and immediately know who holds the most ‘power’. they’ll just as likely be deciding whether or not that power is deserved, and if they’ll be with or against it. it probably took raph like, what, five seconds to realize that one big alien was the head honcho in the big house (s2ep3) and he took them out first excuse he got.

raph wants people to challenge him back; an 8 can quickly lose respect for you if you’re unwilling to stand toe-to-toe with them (even if the 8 disagrees with you, they'll respect that you held your ground). they also want the truth. they don’t want you to ‘protect’ them from unpleasant details or facts. if they don't have all the information--no matter how harsh or unpleasant it may be--they can't control the situation or hope to reach their desired outcome.

let’s elaborate a bit on what the hell a ‘wing’ is. the enneagram is depicted as a wheel--kind of like a clock, if that helps you picture it without a visual aid (albeit i’ll link one here; ignore the arrows for now, we'll return to them).

a type’s wing are the two numbers that neighbor it on the wheel. the wings for an 8 are: 7 and 9. when someone says they’re a type “with a wing”, that means that they feel influenced in some way by that neighboring type. since the enneagram looks at ‘why’ and motives, you might find that the wing you lean toward more might fluctuate or change as you grow and experience life.

i'm confident raph is an 8w7, meaning his enneagram type is an 8 but he takes influence from 7. delightful, then, that mikey’s a 7. i think it’s a nice little way to tie them together when it’s time for Shenanigans™.

8s who have 7 wings are sometimes called ‘the independents’. along with being one of the most energetic and sociable types, people of this subtype tend to be risk-takers, adventurous, and combine the 8’s need for intensity with the 7’s love of anticipation. they’re practical, pragmatic, competitive, and not concerned with pleasing others, but also tend to be lead by their feelings, resulting in them being impatient and impulsive. they might be more confrontational and aggressive and are less likely to back down from a fight than an 8w9.

i remember seeing a link to one of those character… personality across all quizzes type of wikis somewhere and if memory serves raph was listed as an 8w9. i can’t help but wonder if that decision was made because it would give him two types on the instinct/gut triad, verses an 8w7 where his core type is on the instinct/gut triad, but his wing is in the thinking/head triad. we’ll discuss that one more when we get to don and mikey. *murmuring from the audience* yes, mikey is on the thinking/head triad. he’s actually fully on it, wing and all. *more murmuring from the audience* i’ll get to it, i’ll get to it.

but, no, 8s with a 9 wing have an almost deceptively laid back quality to them and are much more willing to be open and affectionate around their loved ones. 8w9s are sometimes nicknamed ‘the bear’ for that reason and, while highly protective and aggressive in being so, i don’t really think of raph when i think of that (you can see where labels might cause a problem). 8w9s are more willing to let their walls down in safe spaces; raph appears guarded and careful just about every time we see him no matter whose company he’s in. his walls only come down in periods of high emotion and, even then, he’s either reluctant to let them show or tries to hide them immediately after the moment passes, even getting angry that they managed to surface at all.

the wing isn't the only other type that influences your core number, though. let's talk about the other two.

stress & security numbers

as i said at the beginning of this post, raph’s is likely going to be the longest because i’ll be introducing various enneagram terms as we go along that you can apply to the other posts going forward. bear with me, please, this information is going to help in the last three sections of the post.

i stated that the enneagram can be compared to varying colors, or even a color wheel. There can be an infinite different types of red, but they are all still expressions of the same base hue. maybe an orange-red, a violet-red, a pale pink, the list goes on. likewise, the enneagram types take influence from the other types, even ones that wouldn’t be considered their wings. these would be their ‘stress’ and ‘security’ numbers.

‘stress’ and ‘security’ are meant to refer to the current mental health level of the individual, with security representing--as you might have guessed--the healthiest state of mind you can be in and stress being the unhealthier side of that. when a type is in an unhealthier state of mind, they begin to adopt the negative traits of their stress number. vise versa, when in a healthier and secure state of mind, they begin to adopt the positive traits of their security number. you may have noticed on the wheel i linked earlier all those arrows in the center. those point to a type's stress and security. let’s start with raph’s stress number.

raph’s stress number is 5. this means that in a stressed or unhealthy state of mind and spirit, raph begins to show the negative behaviors associated with 5s.

(i love looking at raph and don from the enneagram perspective because it’s a common misconception that don and raph are polar opposites. i think their link in their stress and security numbers illustrates that they have a lot more in common than seen on the surface. because raph’s stress number being 5 means that don’s security number is 8. but more on that when we get to don).

in times of high-stress or low-spirits, 8s will become solitary. they’ll minimize their own comfort, take poor care of themselves and may succumb to insomnia or unhealthy diets. they might spend more time brooding or strategizing to size up a situation than they might actively engage with it. they can become extremely cynical and contemptuous of the beliefs and values of others, nihilistic, and have little hope of reconnecting with themselves or those around them.

i'll cover this more in don's post but for some examples: don, being a 5, will often withdraw to his lab and overwork himself (we can see examples of this in s2ep13 return to the underground, or continuing to push himself despite being sick during the second half of season 4).

when it comes to raph, we have a few examples of the 5’s negative traits showing through in periods where he would be unhealthy mentally and spiritually:

when he realizes his temper’s getting out of hand, he’ll isolate himself and “get some air” (some examples, s1ep4, s1ep24)

he’s the most reluctant to talk to leo during tales of leo (s1ep19), and after his story he separates from the group to stand by the window (while not fully leaving the room to isolate, it’s the farthest he’s willing to go from leo's side)

he spends most of the city at war arc (s2ep14-16) retreating from the conflict, where leo is actively engaging with it

in same as it never was (s3ep21), raph has isolated himself from leo and mikey. he expresses contempt toward leo’s decision to leave master splinter behind. he’s the one who calls the situation “hopeless”.

an 8’s security number is a 2. when in a healthier state of mind, they take on the positive traits of a 2; they have the ability to see potential in people and want to help those people recognize resources and strengths they didn’t know they had. a key word for a healthy 8 is “empowerment”. they would agree with the phrase “give a person a fish and they eat for a day; teach them to fish and they can feed themselves for life”.

8s allowing their 2s to surface means learning to open their hearts to others, letting their guard down and expressing the tenderness they’ve so carefully hid away. it’s important to understand that this movement is not accomplished by imitating the qualities of a 2. an 8 must have greater contact with their hearts and grow comfortable with their gentler feelings. they need to stop equating vulnerability to weakness.

i think some good samples of raph’s 2 coming to the surface might be found:

the exchange with mikey as they're cornered by mousers; “well, it’s been fun, guys” “even me?” “especially you, mikey” (s1ep3)

helping leo recover in monster hunter (s1ep20) and forging a new set of swords with him

every fucking time he gasses don up, but for a specific example, return to the underground (s2ep13)

everything with mrs. morrison in touch and go (s3ep8)… just all of it. don’t even look at me.

throughout all hallows thieves (s4ep12) he’s cheery and even a little nostalgic toward halloweens past. we get an earnest, unguarded laugh out of him.

healthy, integrating 8s make outstanding leaders; they’re able to communicate their profound respect and admiration of others, and they better recognize boundaries and limits--especially their own.

HEY, LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT LEADER THING. i'm sure some of you locked onto that when i listed 'the leader' in the nicknames section.

raph’s temperament and unwillingness to let his 2 surface often gets in the way of him taking a leadership position. he once expressed a desire to be the ‘top turtle’ but made the decision to follow leo. at the end of his flashback during tales of leo, we see him eagerly asking leo what he did to stop the alligator and enthusiastically following him back out of the tunnel. not a smidge of negative feedback in sight. i believe he recognizes and respects leo’s ability to lead, be it by strategy or morals, more than gives into his desire to lead. remember that as far as the 2003 series is concerned: leo is the UNOFFICIAL 'leader'; this is a role he naturally steps into, not a responsibility that was directly assigned to him (i think raph might even be the only one who refers to him as 'fearless leader' or a 'leader' at all, but i could be wrong). 8s don’t need to BE the person in control, they just don’t want to be controlled. they will follow other leaders who are decisive and have earned their respect. to anyone who wants to point out that leo and raph still argue a lot, don't forget about what i said in regards to holding your ground with 8s. they may not like it in the moment, but your ability to hold your ground will be recognized. leo more than often holds his ground when raph challenges him.

(when raph and leo butt heads it’s not because they’re at odds with each other because raph wants to lead or because leo doesn’t consider raph capable of leading, it’s because they’re both stubborn fucking idiots who’re thoroughly convinced their way is the right way; for raph admitting he’s wrong is a show of weakness and surrendering control which is a fear for 8s and for leo it’s a kick to his pride and ability to be ‘good’ which is a fear for 1s. simplifying it down to a power struggle between them drives me up a wall, iN THIS ESSAY I WILL--).

while a small example, a moment from the first notes from the underground episode (s1ep13) has always stuck with me when it comes to raph’s potential and ability to lead: he’s not only the one to throw the grapple to get them across the bridge, but when they’re dangling from a stalagmite after the bridge collapses, he’s the one who gathers them together to do ‘crack the whip’. leo actually doesn’t have any dialogue in that whole sequence; raph’s the one who takes charge and gets them safely to the other side.

it’s also interesting that in cases where leo’s not present AND raph’s in the company of someone similar in behavior to him, his 2 seems to come out on its own. when running around alone with casey, raph is the one reining him in. similar case with godman falcon in across the universe (s3ep20). you could use tyler in lone raph and cub (s1ep24) as another example, but i’m not fully counting that as tyler is like. ten. and stinky.

cardinal sins - 8 and lust

here's term that, on the surface, might appear a bit self-explanatory, but it tends to be a bit more nuanced than that. at least as far as the enneagram is concerned.

every type on the enneagram comes with its own ‘cardinal sin’; you might recognize seven of them from the traditional deadly sins. a type’s cardinal sin is less of a ‘sin’ and more of an almost addictive, involuntary and repeated behavior that we can only be free of when we learn to recognize and manage it. learning to manage your type’s cardinal sin is one of the purposes of the enneagram as a tool.

an 8's cardinal sin is ‘lust’. don’t mistake this for lust purely in its sexual definition; this is ‘lust’ as in the drive and need for intensity. 8s want to feel solid and alive; interactions must be intense, play must be intense--there’s something of a daredevil in 8s as they're looking to experience what life has to offer at 110%. it’s ironic that giving into lust is the antithesis of the control raph’s 8 demands he maintains; lust after a person or object is to be under its power, the opposite of what an 8 truly wants.

i’m sure at least some of you are wondering about ‘wrath’. something that might be important to keep in mind, here, is that 8s reach for rage in place of other emotions; not only is rage easy to access, it’s also an intense and overwhelming emotion. we'll talk about this more when we get to leo, but his 1 makes him a member of the 'anger' triad as well. where raph takes any emotion he feels intensely and replaces it with anger, leo will often take his anger and replace it with a less harsh explanation. but again, we'll get to that.

something else i think is interesting to consider are the cardinal sins associated with the other types that 8s are connected to. in raph’s case, it would be his wing, 7, with his stress and security numbers 5 and 2. the other cardinal sins in his main circle would be gluttony, greed, and pride respectively. when it comes to raph, 'gluttony' makes more sense in application than a 9's 'sloth', which contributes to why i disagree with him having a 9 wing.

sooooo, now that we’ve gone over a lot of information about 8s in general and some samplings of where i see an 8 in raph, i wanna look at three specific points in the series to just kinda pick up and turn around in my hands like a little puzzle box. i’m sorry, i know this is long just--AUGH. i could sit here and run characters through an enneagram lens all day, i'm the worst.

city at war

for me, city at war is a fantastic example of an 8 and a 1 colliding. this is also an arc i see discussed frequently, and often those talking about it have an easy time seeing the perspective of one brother but not the other. for complete disclosure, i’ve always been in raph’s court with this one; even as a kid i'm pretty sure i agreed with raph that they should stay out of the fight (but i’m also a 9, and we tend to avoid conflict of any kind however we can).

we’ll be talking about raph’s perspective here, obviously, and we’ll return to this arc in leo’s post to discuss it from his perspective. remember that one of the enneagram's uses as a tool is to grow in compassion for others and allow us to understand why they act and react the way they do.

a big thing to keep in mind when looking at this arc from raph's perspective as an 8 is that we need to look at the last time they dealt with the foot specifically. while there are five episodes between shredder’s supposed death in secret origins' ending (s2ep8) and city at war beginning (s2ep14), it’s important to consider the sheer weight of everything that lead up to this point and the amount of time passed as those events transpired. remember that an 8’s basic desire is to protect themselves--and the people they’ve come to care about--as well as determine their own course in life. the foot completely uprooted all of that for raph.

we’ll say the shredder strikes back (s1ep17) is the starting point. the boys may have faced the shredder for the first time in shredder strikes (s1ep10), but i don’t think they fully understood what the FUCK they were doing. because they’re fifteen year old boys. with weapons. they think they’re invincible. they’re very stupid, and it's a miracle master splinter hasn't developed like six ulcers.

shredder strikes back is a brutal wake up call to the fact that… NO, ACTUALLY, y'all are pretty fragile. this was the closest they’d probably come to having a family member taken from them. like, all things considered, leo should be dead. he was only “returned” to them on the brink of death to rub salt in the wound. and with the 8’s ability to sniff out who has the most power in a room, i doubt this detail was lost on raph. his brother is only still alive because shredder allowed it.

enough time passes for leo to recover, and we’re right back in new york using the fact we’re ‘dead’ to our advantage to take down shredder once and for all. the next three episodes all occur in the same night. but we did it! we’ve defeated shredder--we thought we’d gained control--but, just kidding, dad’s gone and disappeared.

our search for master splinter over the next few hours sends us to space. the next five episodes are desperately trying to get back to earth and their father. the turtles are in space for a few weeks, but only a few hours have passed on earth.

all of secret origins happens in the span of another few hours and ends with the shredder dying once and for all. he's totally dead, you guys. for real this time. no way in hell he survived that. ...foreshadowing is a literary device whe--

for us, that’s eighteen episodes (which if you were watching back in 2003 in the way the episodes were released would have not only been about eighteen weeks minimum, but the waiting period between two seasons as well). as viewers, it feels like a lot of time has passed. because it has. for them? that is a LOT of shit--again--over a relatively short period of time.

for an 8, this has been a ton of shaking around their control over their course in life. it’s been a huge threat to both their own security and that of the few people they hold dear. going from having to avoid their home and hiding away in april’s apartment, to almost losing leo, to almost losing splinter, to being blasted across the galaxy, discovering their ties to the shredder… but now. FINALLY. shredder is dead. they’re free! ...they should be free to once again determine their own course.

i can only imagine raph is eager to find some semblance of control and grounding again. the world has proven itself in many ways to be cruel and uncaring, just like he’d learned to believe. his 5 probably has him in a bit of a choke hold. and now, as the foot and the mob and the dragons are in a turf war, for SOME GODDAMN REASON his brother--who he almost lost--wants to get involved. raph, usually the first into the ring of conflict, slams the brakes on. this isn’t our fight, and we can just let them weaken each other and eat themselves alive. we gain safety by not involving ourselves, we have control again. to throw ourselves into that is risking another loss. returning to the cardinal sins, the 5’s greed/need to protect their resources and their energy, could very much be in full swing here.

8s and 1s are, unfortunately for everyone else involved, both types who unrelentingly believe they’re correct in an argument. and to back down from said argument could mean submitting to a part of their basic fear. raph’s 8 recognizes this as a moment for them to regain control of not only their own lives, but also as an opening to just let potential future enemies use up resources and wear each other out. and leo’s 1, as we’ll get to, refuses to listen to this on the base that it wouldn’t be right to sit back while people are getting hurt because of an imbalance ‘they caused’.

karai showing up in new york to take shredder’s place leading the foot (giving them a leader and direction again would be empowering them) was the final straw for raph. because what does he do? he isolates. fuck this shit: i’m out.

cards on the table? i’m not too keen that the narrative made it seem like leo was ‘right’ and raph was ‘wrong’, especially with casey stating that “the way he was raised, you fix your mistakes”… like… killing the shredder was a mistake. idk. clumsy choice of words on casey's part or mishandled writing, i'm not fond of it. and raph saying he was being an idiot at the end… honey, sweetie, darling, gravy, you were not being a full fledged idiot. you were both right and you were both wrong and you were both idiots; the situation is complicated and they can be both at once ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ gray is a value that exists, and you’re both grounded. equality.

anyway. next topic.

darkness within

this will be shorter than the last one because it’s more of a five minute encounter than a span of three episodes with a history, but i think it’s an interesting thing to look at anyway.

i know that from a meta perspective, raph’s nightmare in darkness within (s3ep14) was more a nod to another incarnation, but the fact his fear of becoming anything remotely like the shredder speaks to how self-aware of his anger he might be at this point in the series (note: this is not me saying ch’rell is also an 8; this is a warped fear that came from raph's subconscious, not a direct ‘prediction’ of things to come).

more in-depth views of the enneagram include the levels of development, which is a scale of one to nine how healthy or unhealthy the type is. at their healthiest, 8s can be described as self-surrendering and heroic. self-reliant and strong. self-confident and leading. but at their unhealthiest? 8s can become ruthless and dictatorial. megalomaniacal and terrorizing. sociopathic and destructive. sounds a lot like our favorite chewed up piece of stale cinnamon gum.

raph is aware that his anger--as well as his need to be strong and in control of his situation--could lead him down an even vaguely similar path. we saw glimpses of that, as i said, as early as episode four of the first season. losing grip and control of his temper and attacking mikey. his worst moment. the foot were barely even part of their lives at that point. that happened during what should have been a mundane little training session between brothers, where there was little to no outside influence. while not the shredder exactly, he is aware he has the potential to become something similar if he allows himself to give in to his anger and fears.

the first half of season four and leo’s… gestures vaguely

i think the last thing i want to talk about is the first half of season four and just generally dealing with leo at HIS worst. specifically cousin sid (s4ep1), i, monster (s4ep5), grudge match (s4ep6), samurai tourist (s4ep13), and scion of the shredder (s4ep15).

in cousin sid raph’s reaction to leo’s shift in attitude is, at first, positive. he goes as far as to jokingly state that karai should stab him more often if it means leo’s going to be less hesitant to fight (think his 7 wing was showing itself in that moment tbh; trying to make a joke out of something he shouldn’t have).

by i, monster, i think he’s started to notice that something’s wrong. he holds the others off as he recognizes that leo's fighting something more than just the rat king.

in grudge match, he starts to confront leo on his shift in attitude only to be interrupted by master splinter. by the time we get to “samurai tourist”, raph’s had it with this 'new leo'. he goes as far as saying leo's "going mental". mikey shuts this down (and boy, we'll get to that), but it's clear that raph's standing with leo has only gotten more and more tense.

i doubt it was intentional, as the writers focused more on leo’s handling of their final confrontation of the shredder, but… with all due respect to master splinter, i don’t agree with him when he later tells leo that his brothers have healed. i don’t think they’re in the unhealthy zone as deep as leo is, but given raph’s more negative and almost accusatory approach to leo’s state, i can’t help but tilt my head and see his 5’s influence beginning to color his perception. he’s having a hard time connecting. digging his heels in, becoming uncompromising. his 2 is hidden away and preventing him from showing vulnerability or gentleness toward leo's state. an 8’s antagonism can lead to self-sabotage when it comes to relationships, and leo’s reacting differently to raph’s attitude or not reacting at all. leo’s sudden change in attitude paired with any healing raph has left to do has likely raised his walls in a place he thought he was safe in. his 8, which is so focused on protecting himself, no longer feels like it has any control over the situation--he doesn’t know how leo’s going to act, how receptive leo will be to his own behavior, or even what to do to get leo “back”. and, obviously, leo’s worsening state is doing nothing to help any of this. raph's falling toward rejecting leo first so leo doesn’t have the chance to reject him. playing into that fear of dependency by continuing to push leo further away from him before leo has the chance to do the damage himself.

we see in scion of the shredder that he hasn’t completely given up; playing into his 7, mikey makes a coo-coo motion at his head in reference to leo and raph promptly smacks him for it. i think this says a few things: that raph took what mikey said in “samurai tourist” to heart and, because of that, he’s now at least trying to be more nuanced about leo’s state, verses basically having said the same thing mikey just did two episodes back… even if it might be ‘too late’ for that considering leo’s already had his worst moment and gone to japan.

when we roll around to prodigal son (s4ep16), raph’s likely on a big emotional ride over here. some of this i have to point at rushed writing and also the general vibe of early 2000s media, but some of it can also be directed at raph’s 8. we see him very briefly express “””weakness””” when leo assures him that the rest of the family is okay (he braces his hands on his knees), but upon returning to the reservoir station all the walls are right back up and he just walks right past don, who’s relieved to see him, and, boom, he’s right back on the attack--angry that the foot destroyed their home. defenses up. i’m not relieved, i was never worried, i was never scared, i’m just MAD.

conclusion

gonna be real with you, lads, i have no idea how to properly close this out, i just looked at the page number and word count and muttered to myself "jesus christ; girl, shut up".

as i said at the start of this post, if i have anything to add/more observations regarding raph's 8 in the series i'll link them here as addendums.

for now, we're going to stay in the instinct triad and move over to leo. and from leo, we'll go to don because they both have a foot in the feeling/heart triad.

see you in the next one and, if you read all this, here's a platter of warm cookies of your favorite choice. and your favorite drink to wash it down. you're the realest.

[bee-s-corner]

[bee-s-corner]

Masha The Hero

[bee-s-corner]

There is so much more I could say about this, but there is not enough room. Remember to check with reality rather than believing conspiracy theories promoted, supported, and funded by white nationalist hate groups.

Missouri is proposing 20% of the nation’s anti-trans legislation this session. Gender-affirming care for young folks is on the edge of being criminalized (so much love to trans friends in states where that has already happened).

Please keep up with the anti-trans legislation in your state and combat it. There are lives at stake.

Transphobes do not touch this post.

Image ID: a 10-image cartoon comic featuring Joey, a boy with short hair.

Image 1: Joey, upset, gesticulates towards an open laptop. Text reads: The reality of St. Louis trans kids. Last week, a former (non-medical) employee of Washington University’s Pediatric Transgender Center was featured in a viral article about how the clinic was “rushing” kids into medical care and “mutilating” us. Every single thing she said was a lie, but the media loves it. Footnote reads: I wouldn’t give any more attention to this, but it is immediately endangering the lives of trans people. Missouri has launched a state investigation and is actively attempting to criminalize gender-affirming care based on conspiracy theories.

Image 2: Joey points to a map of the United States where Missouri is singled out, and a map of Missouri where St. Louis is indicated with a star. The text reads: The Transgender Center, located in St. Louis, Missouri, has been the target of hateful attacks from the far-right state legislature for years. It is part of Washington University Hospital, a branch of a prestigious private university.

Image 3: A younger Joey injects his T shot in his leg while someone takes a photo. Text reads: I can tell you that everything in the article is false because I received care at the Transgender Center beginning at 16 years old. My medical transition has brought me nothing but joy. What a gift it is to be trans!

Image 4: A younger Joey sits on a couch and stims with a tangle fidget toy. Text reads: No one is “rushed”. I sat on many waitlists, had to have 6 months of specialized gender therapy and a diagnosis of gender dysphoria before even being referred to the Center, and I was denied as “not ready enough” by an endocrinologist the first time I finally got an appointment. Footnote reads: If you’re curious about what it looks like to be a trans kid, I did another piece on that! Check out tinyurl.com/transkidscomictumblr.

Image 5: A colorful map of the United States shows how many states have a Negative Gender Identity Policy Tally and how many states have criminalized gender affirming care. Joey holds a credit card. Text reads: St. Louis’ Pediatric Transgender Center is the only one in the region, meaning the waitlists are extremely long. Plus, no one in the only industrialized country without free healthcare is getting medical care for fun. Many American trans folks have to fundraise for our care.

Image 6: Joey, distressed, sits on a couch while talking on the phone. The person on the other end says: “That’s me!” Text reads: This former employee spoke about specific cases, and patients have been able to identify themselves. She shared our private medical info and called us horrifying.

Image 7: This is split into two panels. In the first, Joey holds up a box of condoms and a packet of birth control pills. Texts reads: She especially hated trans men such as myself, saying that trans ideology was destroying “girls”. She lamented about hormones making us “sterile”, which is a complete lie. We trans mascs have to actively prevent pregnancy. In panel two stands a doctor. Text reads: Every time I had an appointment at the Center, doctors reminded me: Remember: testosterone is not a contraceptive! Footnote reads: The wonderful Erin Reed wrote a breakdown debunking all the lies in the article. See tinyurl.com/erinreedmissouri.

Image 8: Joey, masked, sits at a circular table with his brother, an unmasked boy with fluffy short hair. Joey’s brother is showing him his phone. Text reads: Major newspapers continue to platform these complete lies because they bring in engagement and money. The Washington Post tracked down my little brother’s personal cell phone number to try to get in contact with our mom – the president of an organization supporting trans kids in Missouri. Freaky, right?

Image 9: Joey, looking disgusted, leans against a door frame while talking on a cell phone. Text reads: But no one wants to talk with me, the adult who medically transitioned at this clinic as a minor and has not “desisted” in six years. The Washington Post reporter, who didn’t know anything about trans people, talked with me for 20 minutes and used a sentence of mine in an article about “both sides of the debate”. She didn’t mention that this former employee is being legally represented by a recognized anti-LGBT hate group, nor that all of her claims are unsupported by reality or science.

Image 10: Joey looks angry and gesticulates. Beside the drawing are two photos of Joey, one of him happy in front of a trans flag, and the other of him drawing up testosterone to take his first T shot. Text reads: There is no debate. There are trans people, and there are people who want us dead. There is truth and there are conspiracy theories. Where is my viral article in a major paper?

Published Feb 16, 2023. End ID.

[bee-s-corner]

pov you are an oc artist with anxiety

[bee-s-corner]

I'm so very very sorry for your loss. This is so heartbreaking, and I can only hope that you shall find solace some day. Thank you for all you've done, and for being an amazing person throughout this blog. Please take care.

i lost my big sister to suicide two days ago

i know im never going to touch this blog again

i thought i could get my head on straight again but i cant

if you liked something save it idc because im deactivating in a few days . all of this feels too small and stupid

i know ive left everything unfinished but i cant stand the sight of my own writing anymore .

thank you to everyone whos been here , sorry to all the unanswered asks .

im sorry for leaving so suddenly .

[bee-s-corner]

[bee-s-corner]

Bianca, Jesse and Martin

A server challenge from a few months ago that really inspired me. Rich kids making their way around.

[bee-s-corner]