becomingaskinnyfox

[becomingaskinnyfox]

[becomingaskinnyfox]

Why I Want To Lose Weight

Form good habits before I have kids and it becomes 1000x harder

Enjoy my body/appearance/youth before I get too old

It makes me feel more confident both in clothes and out

It would only take me 3 months to lose all the weight I want

I���m tired of fighting this battle. It started when I was 12, I’m 14 years in

[becomingaskinnyfox]

03/12/2023

Did so great today, then fucked it up 30 minutes before bed by eating sugary candy and cereal. I think what fucks me up is I want to eat before I go to sleep and have to wait until lunch to eat again. I guess my options are eating a bit for breakfast, or taking a small snack with me I I to the bedroom to avoid temptation of just opening the fridge/bag again. I’m so scared of being fat forever. Scared of hating my pictures forever. I hate the trajectory of my life. I feel like a failure in all aspects. Looking at posts from last June and I was saying the same shit I am now, even the whole “running in circles.” Even the, “i need to fix myself or end myself.” This isn’t a life worth living. I hate it here. In this place, in my own body. I need to change. I need to escape. Why won’t I make the change and escape. Or end it all.

[becomingaskinnyfox]

07/16/2022

Things that haunt me at night:

1. Oh, you’re a vegetarian? I thought they were supposed to be skinny -random dad

2. Oh, you’ve gained a little weight -grandmother

3. Oh, (s/o), you’ve lost weight! And (my name), have you gained weight? -stepdad

4. I like average girls, like you - random guy

5. I do think you look better now that you’ve lost weight (when I had lost weight before) - mom

[becomingaskinnyfox]

07/05/2022 Tuesday

It takes 4-6 months to form a habit, so if I can take 4-6 months, work out consistently, eat healthy consistently, I can be set. Just takes the work to do it. Ahh goodness. I’ve got 4 weeks left until I have to go back to work. 5 weeks till students return. Work hard, I can lose 5-10 lbs 😩

[becomingaskinnyfox]

07/01/2022 133.4 lbs

Slowly, ever so slowly losing that water weight that came on from that horrible binge week. But I’m definitely fighting for motivation now, day 3 or whatever. But I have to remember what I’m fighting for… I want a slimmer face, a skinny body, and I do not want to continue gaining weight every year!! That will be the biggest fight. I’m also stressed about my job. Next month is when we go back to school, and I really don’t want to. I am mostly stress free right now, I can focus on myself. Not so when work starts back up… ugh. But what other job gives you this much time off? I should be grateful for that. I need to incorporate more exercise into my days. It’s hard when I’m out in the middle of nowhere with nowhere I can safely walk. Fml. I hope I’ll have lost weight tomorrow, but I probably won’t have :/ I ate chips today. But tomorrow I can try and eat very little until we go to the movies, and then I’ll try to maybe just eat a salad when I get back? Idk. Let’s see if next week I can get down to 129?? That’s an unrealistic goal, but I could do it if I tried really hard.

[becomingaskinnyfox]

06/30/2022 134 lbs

It sucks to lose the same pounds over and over. But whatever, every time you learn something new (I guess??) This time, I’m trying to accept that this is a lifetime thing, and I’d rather not eat a cookie every day and be hot and healthy and develop good habits that’ll last my lifetime. I don’t want to be controlled by food anymore. Even if I didn’t want to lose weight, the way I was eating, constantly fighting binges/binging, will lead to weight gain over the years. I read that people gain about 7-10 pounds a year. Especially over the holidays. I don’t want to keep gaining weight and be fat/unhealthy. I want to be fit and attractive!! The way I was going, I would not be fit, healthy, or slim. And I would’ve been miserable. What I should do is take 6 months, try and get in great shape, try and live my best life. Then see where I am.

My biggest fear is pregnancy, the cravings making me gain a bunch of weight, and then not being able to lose it. But I see plenty of women getting their body back after pregnancy, it will just take dedication, and the habits I form now to fall back on. This is going on forever. I’m just rambling now. Trying to maintain my dedication until habit forms. I hear cravings start to go away after a while…

[becomingaskinnyfox]

06/29/2022

Today I want to think about what a lifetime of eating this way will look like… only eating sugary/junk garbage food at holidays, and working out every day.

Next 5-7 years: I’ll be a hot young person, get to enjoy my youth with a great body, cute outfits, and feeling happy in my body. I’ll also be healthy, and be building the good habits that I will need to be in the routine of for the rest of my life.

When/if I get pregnant: even when I’m feeling crappy, these habits will keep me active, and hopefully push away the worst cravings for unhealthy food. This means I won’t gain too much baby weight, and my child will be more likely to like healthy food too.

When I’m a new parent: my good habits will keep me motivated to work out and eat right even when I’m exhausted from taking care of a newborn, and help me bounce back into a body that I am happy with. I’ll be a “hot mom,” and will be able to pass my good habits on to my children. Hopefully they will not suffer the same disordered/ binge eating that I did.

When I’m old: my habits will keep my mind and body sharp into old age, and I will be able to travel and enjoy my “golden years.”

[becomingaskinnyfox]

06/28/2022 Tuesday- 136lbs

Post birthday, post anniversary, I went all out and ate everything I wanted. It felt bad, I don’t like overeating. I need to remember this for the future- you think it’ll make you happy when you overeat, but it never does. It just makes you feel shitty and bloated and gross. When I’ve worked out on an empty stomach on the other hand, it feels awesome. I feel so light, it’s weirdly exuberant. So I need to embrace that hunger. In other news, I made a pretty good ultra low calorie “meal.” I mixed food lion brand tomato sauce (15 cals) with water, some powdered onion, garlic salt, and hot sauce. Very good, very filling, and quenches my “spicy tooth.” Also forces me to drink water! I’ve also got to start taking the same view on food as I do on alcohol. Binging might feel fun while you’re doing it, but it’s poison, and that poison will absolutely make you feel like shit later/the next day. Only indulging on special occasions is the best course of action. I ate very little the week before the wedding, and I looked hot in my dress. So all I need to do now is actually lose the fat so I look like that all the time instead of only when I’ve dehydrated myself.

New favorite quote: “there are no ugly women, only lazy ones.”

[becomingaskinnyfox]

06/13/2022 Monday

I checked LoseIt, and it had a little badge waiting for me. 600 days logged! 600 days logged, not consecutively, but 600 days from march 2021, and I know I started the app at least in 2015 in college. So if I look at the total, 2015- June 2022, that’s 6.5 years, 2,373 days (not including leap years/etc.). Almost 7 years, over 2000 days of trying to lose weight, being miserable. I can’t be miserable anymore. It needs to stop. I’m logging calories today, I’m going to keep doing it. I can’t live like this for the rest of my life, I have to change. I won’t be dissatisfied with my body forever. I want to feel good, feel happy with how I look, feel strong and beautiful. It has to be permanent this time.

I struggle with thinking about how my body will essentially be forced to get fucked up with pregnancy, and how I’m going to get old no matter what. I just have to remind myself that even so, these habits will let me bounce back after pregnancy, and will let me look better than being fat/allow me to enjoy my senior years without being immobile. It’s worth it, even if I can only enjoy a conventionally beautiful body for another decade or two.

[becomingaskinnyfox]

06/12/2022

I don’t want to feel like shot again today. I’m going to shop, find a dress that works for this wedding, and not eat a shit ton of food. I’ll count calories. I’ll do what I can to survive the wedding , and pray that I get my shit together so I can lose weight for the future. I’m tired of feeling like shit. I’m tired of looking frumpy. I want to be beautiful.

[becomingaskinnyfox]

06/11/2022

Just thinking to myself… what is worth it, a life of hating the way I look? Of being uncomfortable? Of feeling inadequate? Or having little to no junk food? Obviously I think the latter is better. When will my actions line up? I’ll be spending another birthday hating myself and my body. Why does this always happen. All sorts of pictures of me and I’ll detest every one. 25 years of my life, gone. Over. Lost. And I’ve wasted every one being disgusted with myself, struggling to lose weight. How pathetic. How stupid and pathetic.

Would I just be better off dead?

[becomingaskinnyfox]

Fuck fuck fuck I’m so tired of this. So fucking tired of feeling ugly. Feeling worthless. When will it end… I should just end it all myself. What’s the fucking point if I’m just running in circles, unhappy. Fuck.

[becomingaskinnyfox]

Friday, June 10, 2022

Gosh, always moving in circles. I hate this feeling. I know I hate this feeling. Why do I give in? Why do I eat? I know it brings me nothing but pain. It doesn’t even taste that good. I need to stop. I need to do it for me. I will feel so much better if I’m skinny and pretty. I mean, good god, what will be enough of a kick in the head? I feel disgusted looking at my own fucking knees. I hate myself. I hate this. I hate my body. I want to feel good. I want to feel hot. I know tomorrow people are coming over for lunch, so that means I need to eat just a little for breakfast, and know exactly what I’m eating for lunch. I can’t continue like this anymore. I need to lose weight or end it all lol

[becomingaskinnyfox]

06/01/2022 Wednesday

Okay, SOLs are officially done tomorrow. I have no reason to stress, no reason to eat. Here’s what I’m going to eat tomorrow:

Breakfast: coffee

Lunch: squash stir fry with cheese, apple

Snack: greek yogurt with banana. Do push ups/ arm exercise, maybe run

Dinner: squash stir for with cheese, egg on the side

Snack: greek yogurt with banana or banana with cookie butter. If I want anything else, eat carrots with buffalo sauce

[becomingaskinnyfox]

05/27/2022 Friday

SOLs over with yesterday, 75% of students passed. Good for this year. I saw a quote that said “don’t fake it till you make it, face it till you make it.” Let’s face this shit again, this losing weight shit. Let’s face it over and over until I stop failing and succeed. I can do it. I got through this year, I can lose some weight

[becomingaskinnyfox]

05/24/2022

I saw a picture of myself that a student took today, that was a slap in the face! I definitely have a stomach and double chin. But in good news, I was okay yesterday. I drank coffee after eating cookies at the end of the night, which really stopped me from continuing to eat. My students have only one more day until the SOL… I guess one more day isn’t really going to make or break anybody, so I should just not even stress too much tonight and tomorrow. After 11pm tomorrow, it will be out of my hands 🤷🏽‍♀️ let’s see how I eat tonight though