beautifuloutcastinoregon

[beautifuloutcastinoregon]

My Suicide Attempt...

Hi my name is Callista, if you are reading...thank you. It means a lot to me I really appreciate that you actually reading my story. 

I hope whoever is reading this, helps you out, or feel something than being suicidal, or worse.

There are reasons why I was so suicidal, I was loner, out basket, I just didn’t fit in like the rest of my generations. Maybe because I was light skinned Native, I had eyes like an Asian (well I do have a small percentage of Chinese in me), anyway I was spoiled kid that’s fat, everyone picked on the fat kid which is common but that’s not right, I was a kid that lived in her mind with her thoughts that didn’t help at all than the people that mistreated me...

In the good old days there was no fucks given, I didn’t care what my class thought, all I was worried about was when’s lunch, what to eat, or how to eat, who I was going to eat with. Food was always my best friend, maybe that’s probably why my classmates always picked on me because I was eating nonstop cause I fucking loved it. But tolerance not giving no fucks was wearing off, their words just gotten to me that all I felt was loneness, and sadness all I could do was eat. There were times I stood up for myself against those assholes but those assholes had a army of assholes and for me there’s just me. It has always been me the sad lonely fat kid who had no friends just food. 

My story may be a joke some of you (kind of is), some of you can relate who had the same passion for food just like me, some of you have it hard I get that, I’m sorry if my story just offends you guys in anyway, but this is just the beginning of my story.

In my point of experiences at school, teachers loved the poor fuckers like me who always gotten target by the whole class, fuck my first instant emotion in school was obeisance...yep  I WAS TEACHER’S PET, I kissed ass like what dogs to sniff other dogs butts. Fuck my life was a joke as a kid, no wonder why I got picked on by everyone else, I ate until the tears were al dried pretending to be.

My afterschool life at that moment , my mom gave me the impression that she loved my little sister more than me (its middle child thing), her priories that weren’t guys and drug, it was my sister, I don’t blame her, I care about my sister even though she caused unforgettable grief, I still love her, but the sad thing I hate her at the same time; I can remember we were sleeping in the living room, then I woke up got scared, I wanted so badly wanted go to my mom’s room and cuddle with her ya know what kids do when they are scared, but my sister was still asleep so I carried her to mom’s room on her bed, then my mom woke up, she yelled at me to sleep somewhere else, same thing with my dad, same scenario we are in the living room, woke up scared, dad coming from upstairs... he came to pick up her up, I asked if I could go sleep in his room, he said no and left me in the dark I remembered those certain memories all to well...

Sometimes I wish I can forget them and move on, maybe God, or whoever wanted me to write my story for a reason, or why I wanted you to read this.

I didn’t try kill myself because I was fat kid that got bullied, that had middle child syndrome. That’s just part of it sadly, I don’t want anyone’s pity, what I meant I don’t want you to feel what I felt. I just want everyone wants after trauma hits you hard, accept it and move on. Every kid gets bullied...every kid gets jealous of their siblings WE GET THAT but some kids like me that get molested at young age doesn’t understand. I remember it the location, his trailer that’s near my Katha's house, my mom’s car at that time, his face wasn’t in the memory just his horrify actions, my confusion to this day, I remembered being in the shower trying wash the thoughts away, it just made it worse, the flash backs just go back that moment, then to those another dark moments, with my cousin she’s older, people said that’s what girls do for another girls teach them stuff, the porn she put on, the toy she uses, her doing it in the bath tub, I felt uncomfortable there. There was more confusion, she’s your cousin so stuff like this it must be normal...

it must be normal...has to be

YOU ARE OKAY!...Are you?

STOP!!!

Why did you do that to me?

Why are you doing this to me?

Why did you choked me? 

Why do people like you do this?

Am I going become you?

Am I going hurt people because of you? no no no NO NO NO NO I’M NOTHING LIKE YOU! NOTHING LIKE YOU GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD STOP 

“its our little secret, don’t tell anyone.” 

All those thoughts taunt me everyday I just want it to end...I just want to die. 

It’s my second year of high school, cutting myself, my emo phase, trying get attention, crying, being basic teenager, it was bad day when I decided to make the decision, I had everything it was routine on each attempt shower, wear something comfortable, pills, chaser, maybe a letter, sleep.

First time was a failed. Enjoyed the attention at rehab or whatever it was.

Second time, swallow some pills and went to sleep, woke up disappointed, with upset stomach.

Third time almost succeed but my man at the moment got helped and you get the rest. 

I wanted to kill myself cause I was tired living with those thoughts, I was scared, I got lost in those thoughts, and the unanswered questions, feeling anxious, feeling confused, being that fat kid that didn’t get healthy, that never experience feeling like regular kid at the family events, that never reported to the kind police officer, that never put that man in jail, that never told her to stop, never pushed him off me, that never spoke a word.

Couple months ago I was in job corps, almost completed, had group of friends, supportive family, a man who made me the woman who I was happy with...but those thoughts once again appeared again, it gotten worse, it was like disease getting black and going everywhere.

This is my story...please you did nothing wrong, it’s okay to say no, it’s okay to defend yourself, it’s okay to be weak and be hold, it’s okay just get help, just be brave and be strong that’s asking a lot but I’m here, you’re not alone. Don’t do anything reckless, There is a way to get pass this, I don’t know who you are or what you are going thru but I love you so please don’t give what your thoughts want, do what you have to do to move forward, break something, yell, scream, shout at the ocean, cry in front of your friends, family, cat, etc. 

Thank you for reading my story.