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Star girl ⋆⭒˚.⋆

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part two: Ravenclaw Christmas!

I can't think of a cute description for this one, I'm sorry :( I'm working on the gryffindor and slytherin ones though!

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The Nutcracker

The National Ballet of Canada

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Just in case you thought all unicorns did in winter was sit whimsically in the snow and frolic with woodland animals, let me assure you that most spend the majority of it complaining.

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 she sat down on the moss

Took a breath

And lay her head on the ground

Her eyes fluttered shut and moss crept over them

The moss whispered to her,

Be with us 

Become us

And she did.

Her hair spread around her like a halo, and it grew, burrowing into the soil, melding with the tree roots

Thank you

For giving us strength 

The tree roots thanked her.

He body started to rot

Joining the soil, becoming a refuge for little worms and critters 

And they said to her,

Thank you for a home

We won’t forget you

Her bones, watered by the sweet rain, sprouted little mushrooms

Thank you

They said

Thank you for helping me grow

She returned to the earth

And she was 

At last

At peace 

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what is love?

i want to be in a relationship. i dont care if its a boy or girl, but i want the other half of my soul. i want someone that i can depend on. i want a soulmate. someone i can write love letters to, and go on dates with. i want to be a lovesick teenager who sees the world with rose colored glasses when im around them. but, i dont know how. i dont want to have sex, or kiss. but isn't that what makes it romance? i dont want to get into a relationship and then they try to kiss me and i pull away. how can i be in a relationship if i will inevitably disappoint them with my lack of physical intimacy? i really want to be in love. but i dont know how

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did you ever write a story when you were 8 about a princess taking an arrow for her true love, and then he takes the arrow out and stabs himself because he cant fathom a world with out her and so they die together, locked in an embrace. cus I did

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If i were an aesthetic

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metamorphosis

I am different.

in more ways than 1.

i feel different

i look different

i act different .

in elementary school i was physically regular i suppose. i was a regular height, had light brown hair that went a little past my shoulders, not quite curly, but not straight enough to behave. i was not fat nor skinny, i was in the middle. i had a gap tooth, and my skin was a little tan, but not too much, my smooth skin not yet marred by life.

mentally though, i was very different. at school i was a polite, advanced, sometimes a little rowdy, but straight-A, student who loved to read and draw. at home, i was different. i would fight with my parents, yell and scream at them until i couldn't anymore. then i would stomp up the stairs to my room, my stomach hot with anger, my fists clenched. i would fall onto my bed and cry, cry, cry. i had no release for my anger and overwhelming, consuming emotions, so i would scratch my face over and over till it was red, and some of the pain had faded. it only got worsened from there. i was constantly miserable or extremely anxious, with emotions i couldn't explain or handle.

In middle school i had started some new medications, one of which interfered with my metabolism. i went about my regular life but gained a lot of weight. my mom made me go to a clinic at the hospital to lose weight. she wanted me to get a surgery to manage my weight. i didn't know about the medicines effects, and so for about 2 years i thought i was lazy, ugly and stupid. in school, i had started getting A-C grades, and as a kid with high expectations for my self i felt like a failure. my mental health was stagnant, not improving or getting worse.

in high school. I have been going to therapy for years. i take about 10 medications throughout the day for various mental illnesses. i still feel a bit like im not good enough if i dont get an A, but i recover quickly and im learning to be patient with myself. my anxiety is now manageable, and my depression fluctuates. i am in a much better mental state though. but, physically? im struggling. i do a sport. in this sport i have a mindset that i cant seem to escape. i think if im not constantly practicing then i will look lazy, and people will think i dont care, and in the moments where im so tired i feel like i will fall over and faint i need to keep going and that will make me better. i know its wrong and unhealthy, but i cant stop it. the medication i got to balance the weight gain from the other medication ruins my appetite, and often just the thought of food makes me nauseous. i dont eat much. ive become picky, and dont eat full meals. i am simply not hungry. this paired with the way i push myself, has caused me to lose a lot of weight. my old clothes dont fit as well. in the mirror im much thinner, and i have lost the chubby cheeks i once had. but the rapid weight loss has caused me to be extremely dizzy, nauseous, cold and lightheaded.

i have become different. i am no longer the girl i used to be. i dont even know if its a good thing or not.

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spiraling

I’m becoming increasingly aware of the soul-crushing pain that comes with “friendship”

In specific, when someone was a whole chapter in your life but to them,

You’re just a footnote.

A brief phase,

A temporary solution.

And it destroys me every time

This imbalance scares me.

 That i could feel so deeply about someone for them to barely consider me a friend. 

Putting all your love and care into someone else.

And im so stupidly sensitive. Just this thought is driving me to tears

To love so deeply, just for it to be unreciprocated

Im terrified for this to happen, and maybe it already has

But its so tragic,

And its ripping me to shreds 

Because that is me. 

I put in effort. 

I try. 

I tell them what i like

In ask them what they like

I make gifts

I share whats important to me.

Only for,

Stop talking,

Literally no one cares

Or she just ignores me. 

Why.

Why am i so hard to love. 

Why do i feel so deeply

Why do i get attached so quickly.

I really hate it. 

The ephemerality of it all. 

Of high school.

Of life.

Of people.

And why cant i seem to make the 

long lasting,

Ride or die,

Deep, 

Emotional,

Friendships

I hate how people pass in and out so quickly.

I remember when i was younger,

I had stopped talking to a friend

And i was so torn.

My parents said,

the friends you make will change

So i nodded, and i agreed.

But again i ask why?

Why do they pass in and out so quickly. 

Is it me?

Am i doing something wrong?

Am i simply unloveable?

My mind is often consumed with the thought of,

I wonder, do they even remember me?

I wonder if my elementary school best friend even cares any more.

If those 4 years spent together even ment any thing.

Because how? I ask myself? how do you just move on from someone like that. 

Just let them go,

Like a fire fly you capture in your hands, on summer evenings. 

You marvel at it, and them release it. 

After that its been forgotten.

And i wonder did my past friends share the same, 

Subliminal sentiment.

I also wonder for how long. 

How long will i just be footnotes and after thoughts.

And one day after i have lived a long life and died, will any one remember?

Am i just someone to disappear into history,

Fading into oblivion?

                                Will i ever even matter to anyone besides myself?

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I dont want to lose myslef

when i was in second grade, i had a friend.

she would draw anime wolf girls with spikey red hair and fish nets. I was inspired to start drawing my own, as it felt a bit like rebellion. my family was very christian and " normal" .

but i would be different.

i drew obsessively, every single day after school i would grab my sketchbook and school-issued chromebook, sprawl on my bed and draw until someone called me down for dinner.

i would see so many teenagers who "used to draw" and i thought that would never be me. i loved drawing it was my passion and my quiet rebellion. it was what i was good at. i mean how could i live like that? I said i would never be like that, but i was still a little scared.

then i got a phone, went to 8th grade and suddenly-

" oh yeah, i used to draw a bunch"

" im so frustrated, i have no inspiration"

" im in the worst art block"

i had become the very thing i feared the most

when i was in elementary school, me and my best friend were known as the weird crazy ones. i was loud and outspoken, bold and sure of myself.

but then i got a little older

i stopped describing myself as

" outgoing"

" crazy"

" loud"

Now i was an introvert. i kept to myself. in 7th grade my teacher was wanting us to get to know each other, and she said " who wants to be alone in life?" and i put my hand up in the air. i didn't need friends or anything.

i was no longer confident. i started to see my flaws. i doubted my self constantly. my inner monologue became a constant stream of

" you arent good enough"

" you dont work hard enough"

" no one really wants to be around"

as ive grown a bit, its changed.

now, i have weeks where i feel great about myself. im patient, i have light in my eyes, i wear colorful, weird outfits and i laugh.

the other kind of week is dark. i go to school with my hair unwashed. i curl up in bed, my thoughts a violent storm, uprooting my joy and snapping it in two. those weeks are full of tears, and i give up on mascara entirely

i only got half myself back in the end

i grew up.

and i hate it

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My flesh, my home 🦪 🫧