beastiebaz523

[beastiebaz523]

Wichita Falls 💔

Ok so I’ve been on a road trip since 1/1 - I went through Wichita Falls on my way to Colorado - the sunset was possibly the most beautiful one I’ve ever seen - the sky was almost red - i drove by Sheppard AFB which is where we lived the majority of the time that we were married - I had such a mix of emotions - it’s hard to explain - I was happy seeing things that I used to see with him 26-28 years ago & remembering our life together but I also felt an indescribable heaviness on my heart knowing what I’ve lost, what I gave up - it is so painful - I was just a dumb kid & I made a terrible mistake - such fleeting, bad, immature decisions with such permanent, gut wrenching, grown up, mature consequences - to think we were married 2.5 years & I was seven months away from being 20 when we got divorced - he turned 20 the month before we met - what a difference those years in age make - his daughter is 20 now, my son is 23 & my daughter is almost 14 - obviously I don’t know his daughter but I look at my kids & think about us & our relationship & it’s amazing to me that I was even as mature as I was - I will say that although I was not mature enough to handle being married, the love I had for him & the love we had for each other was very mature & very real - I just couldn’t process it & I took it & him for granted - I still believe he is my soul mate & I’ve never stopped loving him - once I sowed all my wild oats & grew up I knew I had ruined the only chance I’d ever have at real, true love that actually goes both ways - all that to say my road trip is coming to an end - I drove 11-12 hours today from CO to - you guessed it - Wichita Falls - driving in & seeing the names of all the surrounding cities that I used to hear on the radio & news & such at our house was seriously about to give me a panic attack - I felt like I was losing my breath - Ardmore, Altus, Lawton, Waurika, Archer City, Burkburnett, Vernon, Iowa Park, Henrietta, Decatur & the streets - Taft, Kemp, Kell, Midwestern & of course MSU (where I got my GED) & Sikes Senter (where we got our wedding rings from Mission Jewelers) - gosh the memories are so strong, so vivid, but this place has changed a lot too in almost 30 years - I don’t know if staying here will help or make things harder - just like...to think I haven’t showered here or slept here since 1994! Man - what a flood of emotions - I want to find him & reach out to him so badly - not to cross any lines - as hard as it is, I do try to respect the situation & everybody involved - I just wish we could be a part of each other’s lives to some degree - like communicate once every so often so as not to be total strangers - no one has ever understood me like he did & no one has ever made me laugh like he did - & even still he is the only person I wholeheartedly trust - he was the real deal & words can not express how much I miss him & us & how he treated me & how he made me feel...I will always be left wondering - how does he feel about me, what would he say if he knew how I feel, is there ever any chance we can be together again - when our marriage was coming to an end, I remember him always telling me that we would always be married in God’s eyes - I wonder if he still believes that - I will always wonder a lot of things - I will always regret a lot of things too...

[beastiebaz523]

25 years to the day now 💔

So for a couple of months now I’ve been trying to think of the perfect “first post” because you only get one chance to make a great first impression after all!

I’ve considered going to therapy/counseling but then I thought: is that really gunna do any good - I mean if I went to two or three different therapists/counselors I’d be told something different by each one of them - I mean it would just be their perspectives, their insights, their opinions - there are no definitive answers that any person can offer me - I’ve just got to sort things out in my own mind for my own self so I pray a lot & talk to myself a lot lol but I thought maybe putting it in writing might help & if I’m lucky the one person I am desperate to talk to but can’t might stumble across my ramblings one day - he is the only one who has ever really mattered after all

Lately my life seems to be spiraling downward & completely out of control...it has never been perfect but I have always been able to cope better than I have in recent years - the last year in particular...

So like anybody else I’ve got 99+ problems but having someone to talk to whom I can completely & totally trust is not one of them - actually that’s not really entirely true - I do have that person but he’s married to someone else now just as I am & being that we were once married to each other makes that socially unacceptable

& so a little bit about that...my dad sold his house about a year ago & I had to get all my stuff out of my old room - I found all my stuff from my first real boyfriend - when I say all my stuff from my first real boyfriend I mean ALL my stuff from my first real boyfriend - I literally kept everything from him, some reminder of everything we did together, there are things that I had given to him which he gave back to me when we went our separate ways - I kept it all - we met in January 1991 - the day before the Super Bowl - the instant I saw him I was in love with him - gosh he was a beautiful man - and then when we spoke for the first time it was like he was sent from heaven above - truly like he was made just for me - I was 15 & he had just turned 20! I know - crazy, right - but we were truly a match made in heaven - we were inseparable from that day forward...until we weren’t 😰

I never stopped thinking about him or wondering about him even after all those years & then...when I moved all my stuff out of my old room at my dad’s & I saw all that stuff & read all that stuff from “our time capsule” it literally took my breath away, I could actually feel my heart breaking all over again - except this time it was so much worse - I wasn’t a young, dumb kid anymore - a stupid, immature teenager who was materialistic & only worried about partying with her friends & thinking it was cool to see how many guys wanted to go out with me - nope, now I was a 43 year old two time divorcee on her third marriage - if you can even call it that - with two kids - one from marriage two & one from marriage three - crying uncontrollably at the realization of my greatest regret in life - l was one of the few people in life who are actually fortunate enough - blessed enough - to find their real life soulmate & I ended that relationship - not only was he the love of my life but also my best friend - & I threw it all away - I have never loved anybody like that again, I have never been loved like that again, I have never had that kind of friendship again - I have never had that kind of happiness again - I have never had that kind of completeness again - & it hit me like a ton of bricks - I never will!

So now it’s been right at a year since I moved my stuff from my dad’s house - I look at that stuff ever so often and laugh & cry at the same time - so many wonderful memories but so heartbreaking at the same time - I cant believe it took all these years for reality to slap me in the face like it has - why didn’t I appreciate him more when we were together - why didn’t I appreciate that kind of love & that kind of relationship when I had it - why did I meet my soulmate when I was 15 only to blow it by the time I was 19 - I was too immature to appreciate what we had at that age :( I just took for granted that all guys would love me like he did & treat me as wonderfully as he did - I just took for granted that all guys would be that thoughtful, caring, loving, considerate, sweet, kind, generous, smart, spiritual, funny - not to mention gorgeous - gosh he was perfect - & gosh he made me laugh - I miss that so much - I just took for granted that I could have that much in common with another person - of course I know now that will never happen - it’s a hard pill to swallow knowing I’ll never have that again - I don’t even know if it’s possible for me to have that with anyone other than him - what we had was special, a once in a lifetime kind of love - & it was so real - you only get that soulmate kind of love one time & I blew it

He tried so hard to save our relationship & I just pushed him away over & over again

It’s been 20 years since I’ve seen him now

I wish I could see him so bad - or at least talk to him

I miss him as my other half - my better half - he made me a better person - but I also miss him as my best friend

We have been divorced 25 years today & I’m completely heart broken - I will never be able to forgive myself for what I put him through & I will never be able to forgive myself for what I deprived us of - we could of had such a wonderful life together - & beautiful babies - oh it hurts my heart so bad

I’m 44 now & just can’t believe some of the aspects of my life - this is only one aspect & only a small piece of that aspect...