bearycat

[bearycat]

july 19

I still have a photo of your high school in my camera roll that I cannot bring myself to delete

[bearycat]

july 10

does she know

we lived on that block together for a year?

does she know

how we used to walk down that sidewalk in the same way?

does she know

the number of dates we went on from that same subway station?

does she know

that you saw me just five hours earlier and couldn’t even look me in the eye?

does she know

that the "stranger” you two walked past was once ready to spend the rest of her life with you?

do you realize

how painful it was for you to act like we were never in love?

you weren’t great at loving me, but you are great at forgetting you ever did.

[bearycat]

july 9

I don’t know what’s scarier

the thought of all my love for you rushing back when i see you

or feeling like there is a stranger standing in front of me

where my lover should be

[bearycat]

july 8

i hope that when i see you tomorrow

all your feelings come rushing back

my biggest fear is your wish

to be away from me 

will be affirmed instead

[bearycat]

july 3

is replacing us really as easy as you make it seem?

[bearycat]

june 25.

does the sound of the ocean remind you of me

and what we were last summer?

when you turn around in the bed we slept in

do you picture me?

I hope the ghost of me lies next to you

and holds you like I would if I were there

I wish you had wanted me badly enough

to bring me back like you said you would

[bearycat]

june 24.

you would rather be alone than spend another day with me. 

[bearycat]

june 23.

my favorite days were the ones where we’d sit in bed under the covers watching movies all day. you’d tell me jokes and stories like you always do, I would watch the excitement your face and think about how I could do this forever. when I sit in bed now I imagine you next to me and wonder what you might say. I would give anything to hear your voice again. to hear your stories. to be near you. 

I am afraid I will love you forever and we will never see each other again.

[bearycat]

june 23.

i often imagine telling you

months, years down the line

that i cried every single day 

after we ended

we haven’t spoken in what

feels like forever

I don’t want you to think

I was ever okay with that.

but I can’t tell you this now

so I let the thought of telling you one day

carry me through the pain

[bearycat]

june 20. one month

i have a fear

you’ve already moved on

to someone else

all I ask

is that you keep me with you

wherever you go

because i will keep you with me

forever

[bearycat]

june 19. today is a rough one

i can’t stand the thought

of you saying the same sweet things

to someone else

you told me it was only meant for us

[bearycat]

june 19. still

today i made a dumb decision

to look up “i love you” in my messages

as I scrolled I watched the frequency and verocity

of our words dwindle each month

the way we loved. oh the way we loved

at the start was magnetic

we were addicted to one another

and we never thought we’d become sober

how can two people be allowed

to fall in love so deeply despite

not truly being each other’s person?

how can two people become so enveloped into

each other’s lives

just to become strangers yet again

I don’t want to feel this way again.

[bearycat]

june 19. 30 days

the idea of a first date sickens me

why should i put so much effort

trying to get someone to understand me

when i know you already do?

[bearycat]

june 18. 29 days

we wanted completely different things

out of life

out of love

and yet we continued

[bearycat]

june 14. 25 days

good movies remind me of you

[bearycat]

june 3. still

sometimes i like to order your usual

so i can feel closer to you

[bearycat]

june 3. 2 weeks

when i walk i get excited

at the thought of accidentally

running into you

it’s a lot more morbid

than a middle school crush

who you just have one class with

and occasionally share

knowing glances in

when you run into that person

you hope they might

fall in love and imagine

a future together

but running into you

would be hoping that

the taste of the future

we once felt would come back

to you when you see me

hope, returning to the love

we once had

but maybe from what we’ve already tried

what you already know of me

of us

you would just keep walking away.