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Lifes still busy, working, working out, and trying to get finances in order. Make plans for the spring. Gonna be re-working my routine in the new year. Better information and better training. May even switch gyms just due to access and equipment.
Christmas is almost here and im still figuring things out. Guess thats my eternal state. This time of year is always hard. Makes me think back on those whk are no longer here. Family, friends, the random incidents in life ive been through. So much loss. So many memories.
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Is this all worth it? The pain, the tears, the sleepless nights, the self-hatred, the droning thoughts and insecurities. Is it all worth being me and going after what I want? Why couldnt I be the way I am now before.. WE know why. WE always have known why. Things are great, I love the way they are I just wish WE could be this way in the previous situation.
Cant go a day without thinking ive majorly fucked up. But why do WE keep thinking "oh itll be different. Itll be the way you want things to be." It wont and i do know that. It strikes me to my core to know that but it is the truth. Cant help the fact im fucked in the head and demand so much from my S/o's.
Been wanting to ask around those who are married to pick their brains on how they knew their S/o was the one. Only problems are that however they may answer may send me deeper down this hole or make me do something rather rash and impulsive. (Not suicide) buggest part of this is that im scared of what their answers may be as if i have fucked this all up.
Its hard to think if anyone who would love me like that. Who would care about me like that. Who would ever know me like that.
Ik ive got plenty of time I just dont want to have to go through letting someone in like that again. Getting that close with her took so much time and so many talks and experiences. All of which im happy to have had with her. Just dont know if that same feeling will come again.
Forever she will have a place in my heart and forever is where she can stay as long as she wants to.
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No one ever tells you about the amount of rage that comes with trying to ignite your pain.
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Well shit...... hit me in the head like a 2x4
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Some days. But at the same time wouldnt be half the person i am today if i didnt go through all that shit.
“Do you ever miss yourself? The person you were before you had your first heartbreak or before you got betrayed by a person you trusted?”
— Unknown
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Spiralling. Thats how its felt the last month. Spiralling. In and out of control like the ebb and flow of the waves on a beach.
Spiraling. Sometimes in control like a show pilot doing a trick.
Spiraling. Sometimes like a vortex that wreaks havoc on my brain.
Spiraling. Like i was last night trying to find some sense of something i do not yet understand.
Spiraling. Like the ice in my drinks last night that propped open the door to that side of my mind.
Gotta find a better way to do that just cant do it alone and thats alright. Gonna learn from all this and do better. For me this time.
Certain way i feel about last night B shouldnt have to see me like that. Im glad we talked. Im glad they were there. Feel bad they saw me like that. Feel bad they had to come find/get me.
Cant begin to tell B how much i appreciate all they have done for me. Guess thats a thing we share. Doing stuff for each other when we dont have too. Guess thats one of those things that love is. Doing stuff like this for someone when you dont have too. Hoping we can talk more when we see each other next.
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Anyone ever want to cut your brain out of your head and just smack it for being the way it is. Head was kinda all over the place again. Didnt help that i was thinking about some of the reasons i am the way i am. Big one i tried to disect today was how i was always told growing up. "Go after what you want and dont settle for less." Hard for me to go after what i want when i dont think it exists/ isnt fair/ isnt right/ isnt proper to the other person who would be involved. Guess thats why ive always settled and never fought for it or voiced it before B. Glad im making these relaizations but damn are they depressing. Then again not even looking for anything like that got enough on my plate as is. Then again when i see all these people posting on social media about the stuff i want its hopefully but also not due to it being "public" idk. Not gonna dedicate much more of myself to that right now. Gotta get myself better and focus.
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Anyone else feel like they are all over the place today. Emotions be taking me for a roller coaster today and all im doing is working! Wth?
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Second check in after day 2. Still sore lol. Also starting 2nd job tonight so there went my social life 4 days of the week. Got quite a few days i need off right out the gate. Hoping they understand otherwhise i may need to start the search again.
In other news had an amazing night last night. Was heartfilling to see her in that light again. Along with the recognition that came with it 🤣. Even with us taking 30 minutes to get throught the first 15 minutes of the movie was the cherry on top. So thankfull I got to see her mind work like that again. Thankfull im able to be there for her in the coming weeks. Wonder how its gonna turn out? I feel all will sail smoothly.
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Well first check in after stsring my new life arc. Im sore. That is all.
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2 days....... not even 2 full days. Felt more like 2 weeks. I cant begin to tell you how thankfull i am for them. How thankfull i am that you let me help you. How thankfull i am that i was able to help you. Im so happy we can make each others days brighter. Im excited for the next time we see each other. Thank you.
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Love: one of the most intoxicating, amazing, and dangerous feelings in the world. Would like to think ive learned alot about it in my life. Its treacherous ups and downs like waves at sea. A feeling that can bring people together or make you feel like your trapped on an island with no hope of rescue. Last night i feel i learned yet another thing about love. I learned that its ok to love someone with whom your not compadable with. Sure it hurts but it would hurt more not to have her in my life. She may never know the extent of my love and how i wish things were different. She may never know how quickly i would drop everything to be by her side if she called. It does also help in this case that she knows me more than most anyone ever has. I believe that true within myself about her. These lyrics do ring true more now then when we were together i believe. "The space between your heart and mind is the space we'll fill with time." That time being our time together now and I am eternally greatful for that.
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The relization that sex / intimacy has been a huge part of my relationships being due to the fact that i have never been told negative/ hurtfull things about those experiences (besides wanting it too much) really makes things click. Been told/ shown i wasnt enough in nearly everything else. Or have felt unable to reciprocate the feelings back to my partners except through sex/ intimacy. Realizations you make when talking with your co-workers huh......
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