bbygirl1333

[bbygirl1333]

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[bbygirl1333]

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[bbygirl1333]

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[bbygirl1333]

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[bbygirl1333]

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[bbygirl1333]

[bbygirl1333]

[bbygirl1333]

[bbygirl1333]

[bbygirl1333]

Summer vibes 🌞

[bbygirl1333]

Hide your eyes darling, they can see your heart👀❤️#green eyed girl

[bbygirl1333]

Zentangeling 2016- my art ☯️

[bbygirl1333]

Slim thickkkkk 😜

[bbygirl1333]

Trauma Part 3-

Forgive myself for survival patters & fight or flight traits that I picked up subconsciously as a child that turned into years of trauma. But finally forgive myself for who I needed to be then & who I need to be now. The years of constant trauma. The never ending fighting, sexual assault, domestic violence, cheating, overdose, manipulation, people pleasing, fear of abandonment, co dependency, living on high alert, not putting myself worth first, difficulty setting boundaries, attracting narcissistic people, and finally the drug abuse my ex introduced me to that soon took control and all the problems that came with it. I do not want people to label me as this victim who was at the mercy of Ma***, just for sharing my story. I’m here for all the girls who have survived trauma & came out on the other side. The girls who came out furious spitting blood. The girls who survived and came out softer, more fragile, and less brave. I’m here for the girls that can’t cope. Those that fight, fuck, and run from their problems (hits home). I’m here for the women who are in the middle of their healing and dont know what their future holds. Who cry in the shower so they’re unheard one day & feel invincible the next. I’m here for all of you ladies who are struggling. You’re not handling it wrongly. I see you & know you’re trying your absolute fucking best to keep it together. Some days it’s impossible & that’s okay too. I’m a survivor who is going to set the world on fire with MY truth. You never know who else needs to hear your light, warmth, and raging courage. Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive. My trauma is valid. It isn’t desperate, pathetic, or attention seeking. Even tho my mind thinks it is. Constantly telling me “Shut up!!! They don’t want to hear you bring the crash up once again. Your really annoying.” Or at least that’s what my mind tells itself. When you heal trauma you heal the nervous system & both emotional body. When you heal the emotional body you heal the (psychic) empathetic body. After that the change can come. It’s okay to think you’re over it, then it hits you dead in your tracks. Its okay to fall apart even if you thought you had it under control. YOU’RE NOT WEAK. Healing is messy & comes with no exact time line. I will not let this define me. I refuse to let it rob me of my spirit. My pain will not turn my heart into something ugly, even tho I fear it’s trying. I will show the world that surviving can be beautiful❤️I’m acknowledging the suffering & choosing to heal. Trauma creates change you don’t choose. Healing is about creating change you do. I am a survivor and this is my truth. Here’s to a fresh start.

[bbygirl1333]

Trauma Part 2-

Do I look this ugly to everyone else? 2 weeks later I question if people still look & wonder what happened? Do they notice my broken teeth/ jaw, scarred lip, bruised broken eye, swollen face, and broken nose? Do they see all 9 face fractures? Are they wondering if I got the shit beat out of me? They’re staring but they didn’t even see the worst of it...before when I was ashamed to even show my face in public and all it’s damage. They didn’t see my bloody stained clothes get cut off of me. They didn’t see the blood run out of my hair when I got home from the hospital for 10 plus minutes. Looking like a murder scene. They didn’t see my cracked phone with my blood embedded in the screen. They didn’t see the blood leave my body, flowing profusely through the truck. My face perfectly outlined on the airbag in red. The blood leaving my body dripping down on the fresh white snow while I was carried to help. They didn’t see my best friends reaction to my injuries when I came home. That right there hurt like hell. To feel someone else’s pain for you when you can’t even grasp it yourself. Your stuck in a fog. Could it of been prevented? In time my body (for the most part) will recover & most importantly my mental state of mind will heal. But Fuck. I’ve never been one to deal with trauma well, I try to push it aside. Act as if nothing happened and appear okay. Because holding in our feelings is helpful right? Silly me for thinking so. This time around I’m trying to find ways to cope & properly heal. Through out all the bad I’m training my mind to see the good. The accident changed my out look on life. I truly had to come to terms with what happened. That took time. My body was in fight or flight for about a week. Adrenaline was sky high. Then everything settled in. 2 weeks & im at my lowest mentally and by far physically. Even though I have many injuries, and a long hard road to recovery I was given another chance at life. How many people can say that? It’s humbling but why? What does god have in store, was my grandma my guardian angle that night? Because I had this over whelming feeling of being protected. That’s the one thing I remember. I was hurt but in good hands. For those that truly know me they know this isn’t the first time I’ve almost lost my life. Who gets not one BUT 2 CHANCES. Crazy. I guess I just couldn’t get my shit together & see that the path I was headed for was pure destruction. Was I being saved me from myself? It’s unfathomable. I know I have a good heart but I was a sinner who made bad life decisions and spent my energy on the wrong people. Was this my wake up call? Absofuckinglutley. I’ve realized it’s okay to not be okay some days. This is a journey that is going to have many highs & lows. I know I’m damaged goods & hard to love. When you love a girl that has severe trauma & ptsd it’s going to take time. Be patient. When she finally realizes you’re there to love her & not betray or hurt her like all the rest, she will love you with the same tenacity that it took to walk through fire. I have this desperation to be protected & loved when for once I need to protect myself. Some days I sit here drowning in my thoughts and feel as if the world is crashing down on my shoulders. I can feel the panic taking over at times. I take a deep breath knowing I cannot put myself through a panic attack. I know that it’s nearly impossible for anyone to understand what I went through & my thought process. They weren’t there, no one has the right to dictate or judge how I feel. My feelings are valid & deserve to be heard. Its easy to go down this dark rabbit hole, staying isolated thinking no one understands. Then I remembered who I was before I lost myself, which was long before the crash. A STRONG, independent, sweet, passionate girl who just wants to find her peace & purpose in life. I need to forgive myself for not knowing better & being naïve. Forgive myself for letting my power and light vanish over time. Forgive myself for past mistakes & unsafe decisions. Forgive myself for survival patters & fight or flight...

[bbygirl1333]

FORWARNING- Very emotional, real, raw, and moving.

Trauma Part 1-

It’s been 2 weeks since the crash & wow are my emotions running wild. It’s crazy to think that in the blink of a second your life can completely change. I was guilty of taking life for granite. I never realize how truly precious our time here on earth is. It’s been very hard to physically & mentally come to terms with the accident...while having no memory of it what so ever. That honestly really messes with me, how do I have all these injuries & ptsd but no consciousness of the crash? The EMT & cop who arrived on scene called me once I was home to check in. I’ve been in 7 car accidents and not once have I ever been contacted by an officer. They described the scene & its true goriness. Their words run through my head alllll day everyday. I know my body was protecting itself from all the injuries but waking up in the hospital not knowing where I was or what happened was a trip. I have no memory of 6 hours. My mind erased that chunk of time, blocking it out completely. It refuses to let me relive that night. The blindside, impact, fear, frustration, and pain. It wasn’t until I slowly came to, dazed and confused that I saw my mom. My heart sank, dropping to my stomach. I lost it. I remember knowing something tragic happened but didn’t know the accident took place. I just kept feeling the need to apologize. No parents should have to get a phone call telling them to come to the hospital not knowing if their daughter is dead or alive. I was over whelmed by emotions & had no idea how severe my injuries were. I felt them stitch my lip as I came to, I knew it was severed in half. That was painful af. I thought that was the most pain I’d feel, laying there in the hospital bed. Lol I wish. That was nothing. The pain slowly settled in over time, taking over every inch of my being. Getting worse & worse. Being able to feel every break in my oh so fragile body. Then I saw my face... and damn was it BAD. The scars are a constant reminder every time I look in the mirror of this freak accident. I see the progress & things slowly starting to heal but then I see all the permanent scaring. No matter what I tell myself I struggle daily knowing my face is broken & looks busted af. Do I look this ugly to everyone else? 2 weeks later I question if people still look & wonder what happened? Do they notice my broken teeth/ jaw, scarred lip, bruised broken eye, swollen face, and broken nose? Do they see all 9 face fractures? Are they wondering if I got the shit beat out of me? They’re staring but they didn’t even see the worst of it...before when I was ashamed to even show my face in public and all it’s damage. They didn’t see my bloody stained clothes get cut off of me. They didn’t see the blood run out of my hair when I got home from the hospital for 10 plus minutes. Looking like a murder scene. They didn’t see my cracked phone with my blood embedded in the screen. They didn’t see the blood leave my body, flowing profusely through the truck. My face perfectly outlined on the airbag in red. The blood leaving my body dripping down on the fresh white snow while I was carried to help. They didn’t see my best friends reaction to my injuries when I came home. That right there hurt like hell. To feel someone else’s pain for you when you can’t even grasp it yourself. Your stuck in a fog. Could it of been prevented? In time my body (for the most part) will recover & most importantly my mental state of mind will heal. But Fuck. I’ve never been one to deal with trauma well, I try to push it aside. Act as if nothing happened and appear okay. Because holding in our feelings is helpful right? Silly me for thinking so. This time around I’m trying to find ways to cope & properly heal. Through out all the bad I’m training my mind to see the good. The accident changed my out look on life. I truly had to come to terms with what happened. That took time. My body was in fight or flight for about a week. Adrenaline was sky high. Then everything settled in.