bbbabuz

[bbbabuz]

goodbye

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i guess relationships don't end overnight. there are always tell tale signs. maybe we chose to ignore it. or maybe we thought it wouldn't matter. maybe we thought we can put up with it. maybe we brushed it off thinking the fault lies with us. maybe we thought nothing of it. maybe we didn't know because we weren't aware enough. but it grows. over time it will grow into a monster and come back for you. when you start to become conscious of it all you will see it all so clear. why did i allow myself to put up with this. why didn't i communicate. why didn't i dare to voice out. why did i not know better. why did i brush my own feelings off. why did i not dare to speak up. why did i allow myself and let myself be walked over when i knew i felt uncomfortable.

maybe by then you're past trying. maybe by then you see no point to communicate. maybe by then you realize maybe it was all wrong from the start. maybe by then you see that the dynamics of this relationship might have been a mistake from the beginning. it is something you got used to because you were young and didn't know better; because it was all you knew and you thought everything worked this way. maybe giving in and not saying anything was all you knew when you were younger. maybe you feel that there isn't a point now because you've tried. you feel like you've knocked on that door a thousand times, waited and wailed but noone came to open the door.

of course there were good times. the glorious times. the days we hugged and cried, the days we soothed the souls of one another and carefully licked each others wounds. the days we swore we would stick by till the end of time. the days we would cross oceans for each other. the days where we would sink us to swim. the days we did bad things together. the days we rebelled and went against all odds, where it was us against the world, the days where it felt like there was only us in the entire universe. all the tiny moments which mattered the most. where we would wipe shit off each other's asses despite not wanting to but still did because love.

but somewhere along these days of tears, blood and joy, somewhere seems to have fallen apart. cracks formed on this magical orb we thought we carefully built, maybe even without us knowing. all the trauma we projected onto each other and was not able to understand. maybe we each had too much on our plate to accommodate to the other's. maybe we didn't think it'd matter as much because it was what was "always there" maybe we forgot that even if a plant grew well, it needed constant care and attention too. maybe because it was a recurring problem so we thought it wasn't as important. truth is i can't tell you an exact time where it went wrong for me too.

maybe i was too caught up in it all to even notice when things took a turn for the worse. it still hurts me when i think about this because we've been a part of each other's life for more than half our lives. we are a part of each other. but i feel like it's for the better. at least for now. i feel liberated and free..? i feel like i can be myself. maybe i'm just really stepping into who i want to be.. and as much as it hurts.. it is a journey without you.

it destroys me to say this but i feel like you can't understand me anymore. it feels like you're frustrated with me and if it were in the past i would have felt sorry for bothering you with all these. i still do now, but less. because i now know that noone should be sorry for sharing how they feel and just wanting someone to listen. also because i don't want to feel sorry anymore. i don't think anyone is at fault although we both had a hand in this. we all have our shortcomings. maybe this might be a time for us to further work on ourselves because of all the traumas that we experienced together during our younger days. maybe we bonded over that trauma. and maybe now i just want out?

i want change because the old me is no longer serving me. it ruins me to know you are not part of this journey with me. because you've made your choice. feels like a huge part of me is gone and i have to find a new me. feels like im navigating my way through the darkness because you used to be light. maybe my heavy reliance has worn you out. i have tried changing but i'm not sure if it worked. seems like it hasn't looking at it now. maybe you are done being the shelter and decided to call it quits.

but i am going to embark on this new journey regardless and i know i will make it through.. because i will. i just want to stop thinking about this; about where it went wrong, if it was me who did not want to face it. i can't find an answer. even till this very moment. you pressing me for answers isn't going to work.

maybe this is how it will all be at the end of the day. radio silent. left out in the cold. there will be no gut wrenching fights, no more pressing of answers, no seeking of closure, no back and forth. it will all just fade into the abyss of silence.. as if it never happened. as if it was never meant to see light.

i will always love you.