batariayu

[batariayu]

i’m obsessed with whatever these are

[batariayu]

i dont know there is some urge on me to explain myself but people gonna believe what they want to believe .

[batariayu]

i dont know there is some urge on me to explain myself but people gonna believe what they want to believe .

[batariayu]

i used to feel really self-conscious about calling myself a poet cus i think im mid at best but if tsw*ft can do it why cant i

[batariayu]

And i began to question

are those all worth it ?

for what will i get ?

[batariayu]

tonight i just grabbed snacks and watching some netflix, Sex and The City precisely. i love the way that show its not just literally about lifestyle itself but it talked about things that has been carved up on my mind since my multi trip last week : romantic relationship.

I mean, i do barely aware much theres a complex factor that should be thought and talk about for time to times. we crave someone that literally built on our perception. it was quite interesting that somehow we listed long paragraphs and notes about who shoudl we date and what should be going, because somehow preception is subjective just like beauty itself.

the long you walk with them, surely theres certain hope and wishes and foreseeing about what event should be occured and what state should be set foot. for example, in two weeks of dating its just on my mind that we have casual chit chat and sex as it is without any specific event. it could change on a months or year like communication and what you know about them. later on you also discover more part of your partner which people thought that way. but how about if they dont think the same ? how about if they have their own time frame and just think everything going smoothly without any idea whats need to be done that moment ?

and somehow, we live with biased view about perception. about what we think are we on the same boat. meanwhile, human are too complex to be just that way. that also explain the worst part is realization on vision difference popped up right on the time you already down to the pithole. it just like sudden slap when youre high on drunkest party ever that make you realize " what did i do ? who is my partner ? what we have done ? " just like you wake up from coma nap. and just like that, faith is shaking and you look for the sign. if things goes well, i mean they would give the sign. but how about if theyre still unsure about themself and you ? straight up doomsday.

it also, make us think does we live on right relationship. we dont know, suddenly. So, what makes relationship working in "our" terms together ? i mean communication always comes first when it comes to solution but how it our partner doesnt communicate much and give mixed signal ? another problem. and it just kinda hard when it comes to dating because how you could ensure the person have such a normal propper commucation way meanwhile we know we hvae generational trauma that make us literally silent when it comes to express our thoughts and minds clearly.

does it means that - i dont know - we are doomed to romantic coupledom things for the first ?

[batariayu]

a single daffodil floating in Lake Erie

[batariayu]

landlord definitely deserved like fuck yall capitalist hoard

[batariayu]

boys: jacking off

girls: jilling off

non binary : ferching a pail of water

[batariayu]

[batariayu]

Mercury retrograde literally shrink my mind it makes me cave in and reading postmodern journal about loneliness and singledom

[batariayu]

There’s no way of being against love precisely because we moderns are constituted as beings yearning to be filled, craving connection, needing to adore and be adored, because love is vital plasma and everything else in the world is just tap water - Laura Kipnis

[batariayu]

[batariayu]

Hanif Abdurraqib, They Can't Kill Us Until They Kill Us

[batariayu]

I hate productivity

its just bugging for me, literally. dont know what in the world people took productivity as a scale for better living. as it is crucial part of people that somehow influence your self worth or value.

Reading a book, Watching something useful at Youtube, Practicing writing, Discussion on latest science

kinda baffling because we put certain activities that actually could be fun but becoming serious. you could draw something but it should be an output for your career wise or else. you could writing for fun but the output should be something "meaningful" .

I dont want built something deep and mind-taking. i want to write just to share something. to spread what i see from the world itself. i want to draw something just for fun, because i love to pour all my feeling towards lines and colour. i want to play musical instrument but not in covering-song-typa-shit but in a way that it filled my heart with joy, or just accompany me in my solitude cocoon.

people judge on what other read, draw, paint, write. but somehow i dont find it necessary. critics is there but not all people made something to be valued as bigger thing.

[batariayu]

right now i am writing this without any further thoughts

i just thought maybe im on my way to addicting on writing. it is super fun considering like in this platform i dont really think what people see. this is my online space haven. twitter was definitely havoc turbine with nonstop information about what happening, which is could lead into fatigueness. instagram was not really different than tiktok, bunch of visual scroll doom. here i could write any thing that i really wants.

mercury turned in aries this night and my head ache. it could be caused by that or that i engage with toxic person with off behaviour. like theyre so bitter without any fricking reason to people that live their life. i dont know, what really on their mind while writing shit. is their life okay because a lot of people i know theyre living happily and dont bother catching other people while those bitter people literally up to anything bad? do you really happy with that ? like you know its fascinating especially those incels online.

with your so called full filled life you still have a room to do nasty thing to other, if thats not a projection that i dont know what that is. like i still dont get it tho even it was just signalling. you want people know what you stand for thats fine but exercising some of that to people that doesnt even know you nor want to know you its just something that, ironically pathetic if i may say.

sometimes i do pity to them. they literally living with outrageous privileges and just live their life, but hatred is still there. and the hatred even not directed to the oppresor rather to the oppresed. the marginalized and helpless. all things that people want but again, that doesnt make you seemed happy. you still seek anything that i guess emulate your fake joy or satisfaction. it shown you are not fulfilled with what you have. does it feels good to bear with soul that cant feel enough? that always seek for more by doing bad things ?

and it was never stop amaze me because i met some of them on real life and guess what, theyre literally people struggled like much struggled even need help. i met like one person which is my coworker who said hes struggle from depression but run away with working on money. but i guess it cant help him. it just get his problem bigger bigger and there always be cleft.

I pity them. literally.

[batariayu]

People

i have thoughts about this was like days ago when the queer internet community talking about what cis gay men did ( everybody say booo arent we all tired of those prick ) . i think about like theyre clinging into somekind of hedonistic pattern that comes from capitalism. they think theyre doing good with money and fame. some of them literally so famous theyre lifehood got doxxed immediately when theyre up to some events.

i mean when i was teenager i dont see much representation that living lavish. i grew up in the middle of the nowhere - little town. something that isolate you from outside things happened. you dont know much about gay culture that currently on except it shown on your internet page, which is little to no chance. when i hit the city it was eye opening how gold and shiny it is. until i knew like glamour their life, how it is like wild life. people seemed to just have party and stuff. but i saw that line, something that literally hold them hanging and its thin like feather.

their need to just immerse in the glam and approval are something that i saw. theyre chasing one after another, talking about prestige and fame, and even doing something in order to maintain for getting perceived in a good way. it just so boring and like lame. you trade your narrative about yourself and get the narrative about you that made by other people. made by community that push you to be something that isnt you.

i found it kinda ironic, like your community are supposed to be diverse. supposed to be like including all kind of people with authentic each. but i guess its hypothetical because the reality doesnt seemed that way. so i out myself from the circle that doing so. that perpetuating such a undeniably toxic set of rules on people also wouldnt bother push other to do so.

it is funny to see them like fight each other. i heard fight on the clubs, argumentation on twitter, or whisper of stalker behind the instagram. but i dont participate in such things. theyre gonna drown themself meanwhile me and my girlies just sit here enjoy the cloud and moon.