bat-therapy

[bat-therapy]

Inspired by this post - Jason and Duke having glowy eyes and freaking Bruce out

Bruce: Have kids, they said. It’ll be fun, they said. I thought I was gonna shit my pants.

Dick: But they’re so adorable, aren’t they?

Bruce: Unfortunately yes.

[bat-therapy]

people don't talk enough about how fucking funny it is that bruce can sub in his kids as batman when he's too busy. like can you imagine it from the league's perspective? imagine you have this really mysterious, geniusly scary guy that you know next to nothing about, never cracks a smile and yet always comes out on top, and one day he shows up to a league meeting and there's just something... off. about him.

you can't pin it down because he's literally acting exactly the same as usual and there's no reason to think there's anything wrong, but maybe he shifted in his seat one to many times, or he looked just a tad bit too bored during green lantern's case review, but something's just... odd. so you quietly ask superman after the meeting if anything's up with the bat bcs you know those two are closer and also clark can hear heartbeats so if something's wrong surely he'll pick it up? and without hesitation he leans over to you and mumbles 'yeah batman was busy, that's his 17 yr old son. he's a crime lord and kills people sometimes though so we're not allowed to let him into the weapons department.' and then walks away like it's normal.

like the whiplash the league must go through every time they realise that no, this is not their fearless dark and brooding leader, this is in fact one of his dipshit kids being forced to sub in bcs the real batman broke an ankle, is incredible.

wonder woman: so that's my proposed plan, what are your thoughts batman?

batman: hn. i think that- *voice raising two octaves* oh shit hold on my phones buzzing

the league:

batman, answering the phone and immediately dropping the Bat Posture™: what do you mean- aw come on little wing that's not fair! but- no, NO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ALFRED I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU- IM SORRY OK I'LL BUY YOU MORE- *catches sight of the league watching him, baffled* *stiffens* ok listen i promise to replace them but i gotta go, please show me mercy iloveyoubye *hangs up*

the league:

batman:

batman: *coughs awkwardly*

superman: *sighs*

batman, to superman: ...red hood found out i ate his chocolate pretzels-

superman, shaking his head: just... just stop.

the flash: so this isn't batman either, is it?

wonder woman: if this one's also a criminal im losing my mind.

superman, tiredly: no no, this one isn't a criminal. this one's actually a cop.

batman: *sinks down in his seat* b's gonna kill me

green lantern, mystified: where does he keep GETTING you all from!?

'batman' dick, who made a pact with jason to Always Fuck With Bruce Whenever The Opportunity Arises: batman is a whore.

they think they've finally sussed out all 2 of batman's kids and then one day during a meeting 'batman' ends up on a 30 minute rant about different hacking methods this tech villain could be using that results in him half way through a sentence breaking off to say '-oh uncle clark could you pass me that pen- thanks, anyway so-' and then five minutes after that when the league have all been exchanging incredulous looks he finally freezes and is like. SHIT.

wonder woman: you're different from the other two, aren't you?

batman: maybe i am maybe i'm not, you can't prove it.

wonder woman:

green lantern: so like, are you new or have you just managed to avoid sub duty up until now?

superman, coughing: actually, this is this ones ninth occasion of replacing batman. you've just never realised before.

the league:

batman: yeah actually the other two are kinda mad i lasted longer than them...

the flash: how the fuck does he keep getting kids with the exact same build as him!??!?

'batman' tim, spent 20 minutes padding the suit out so he would look the part, still mad that bruce keeps palming WE work off on him: oh he forces us to take steroids for it.

the league, concerned:

superman, pinching the bridge of his nose: now come on red robin-

batman, fully tearing up and looking distraught: PLEASE uncle clark, it HURTS, you can't keep COVERING FOR HIM!

superman, frantically to the league: this one lies.

bonus

the league, squinting at batman:

the league: ...

superman: *head in his hands, too disappointed to do anything*

the league: *silently exchanging looks, wondering if anybody's brave enough to say anything*

duke as batman, fully aware this is fucking stupid but jason and tim fell on the floor laughing when dick came up with the idea and frankly, he wanted to see if anybody would have to guts to call him out: so, are we all ready to start the meeting?

[bat-therapy]

Bruce is a chronic napper

He loves taking naps. Go into his study, the library, the indoor pool. Doesn’t matter, he’ll find some place to take a quick nap

As funny as the whole Dad snore headcannon is, I think Bruce is a quiet and light sleeper

You won’t even notice he’s in the room as he naps.

Over the years, the batfamily has gotten pretty good at guessing where he’s napping. If they aren’t tracking him down for a particular reason it’s mostly to nap with him

Damian loves curling up on his father’s chest (looking like a cute kitten, but he resents that so don’t say anything). He says he's just protecting Bruce's vital organs but no one believes him. They have the same sleeping face and it’s adorable.

Dick also loves curling up on Bruce’s chest. Thank the lord Bruce is still significantly bigger than him. It always reminds him of when it was just the two of them, back when he was smaller and Bruce could still protect him against the world.

Jason can no longer curl up on Bruce’s chest so he settles for nestling himself in Bruce’s side. He always tells himself that he’ll be out before Bruce wakes up, but he always falls asleep, and the next thing he knows Bruce has his arm wrapped around him and he can’t escape. Not that he wants to

Tim likes to finish up easy cases right next to Bruce. Despite their turbulent time working together as Batman and Robin, he still finds a lot of comfort in Bruce. He can breeze through the easy cases and then shut his eyes for a bit with his dad.

Cass is always there. When she gets there, no one knows. But she always brings a blanket so it’s much appreciated. She’s the one that naps with Bruce the most, other than Ace.

Alfred likes to sit and just watch Bruce breathe. It’s comforting to know that he’s still alive after years of close calls.

[bat-therapy]

Bruce, who has a problem expressing emotions because he was teased for them in school as the "crazy Wayne kid"

Bruce, who used to clutch Alfred at night and wet himself due to his nightmares.

Bruce, who got flashbacks till his mid-twenties everytime he walked down an alley.

Bruce, who would hug a weeping Dick Grayson and stay with him until the night terrors were over, humming a soft lullaby that Bruce's mother sang for him

Bruce, who hardened his mouth and his life to keep the anger in check after Jason, because he knew if he didn't every criminal would pay.

Bruce, who sees Damian chopping up shrubbery and thinks "I was far worse as a child inside, it's a good thing he's letting it out"

Bruce, who can't walk by a homeless child in the street without calling his special Wayne Foundation liaison (who he keeps on speed dial) and asking her to find "one more spot"

Bruce, who sees Selina petting kittens and robbing the rich and thinks "if I could have had a life with her, that would have been nice"

Bruce, who looks at Cass' x-rays and sees her knit bones and swears to god he will break the bones of whoever's responsible for her upbringing

Bruce, who gives Tim projects that he himself can do faster because he sees attention-starved Tim trying to please him

Bruce, who looks at Clark smiling and thinks of what he can buy for his birthday to make him smile just like that.

Bruce to his parents in their graves after not being able to catch a criminal: I'm sorry. I've failed you. I'll try harder.

People who don't know Bruce: why is that man so unfeeling.

Bad DC writers: idk just that way i guess

[bat-therapy]

Two things can be and are true at once.

Robin Jason was a sweet, kind kid who cared about victims. He also had righteous rage and violent tendencies towards those he thought deserved it.

Being Robin gave him magic and as Robin he shattered a man's collarbone with no remorse.

[bat-therapy]

Do you think theres a memorial to the second Robin in Crime Alley? I like to think that even if the rest of Gotham didn't know where he came from that Crime Alley knew he was one of theirs.

Do you think they were devastated when it came out he was dead? I don't think it would be a official memorial or anything. When it was announced he was dead people started putting candles/cards/stuffed animals/food out on their roof tops in honor of him.

Maybe a few weeks later someone graffitied a mural somewhere up high in his honor. They did it in the middle of the night. After that people started to leave things there.

Theres no official care taker for the memorial. Everyone helps out. People who leave stuff take care to clean up any trash left around. Theres a few people who make sure theres always at least one candle lit.

One day its vandalized. Robin may have been one of them but its Crime Alley and he made life difficult for criminals. Maybe someone he put in jail got angry and vandalized it. The people fix it. There no call to action they just see it and take it upon themselves to restore it.

Do you think Jason sees it when he comes back as Red Hood? I think he found it in his first two weeks back in Gotham. He wasn't big yet. He was still taking control. He stumbles upon it on accident. He's not expecting it. He's grateful no ones around because he breaks down. The enormity of everything that happened to him hits him like a brick and suddenly he's on his knees sobbing.

Maybe once he's taken over and the people trust him he'll ask about it. He'll ask why they care about the second Robin. Why do you take care of the memorial so intensely? They tell him. They tell him they know the second Robin was one of them. They tell him how much hope he brought to the people that had none. Do you think he realizes how much he meant to these people?

Maybe someone connects the dots. They don't know who he is but they see how fiercely protective the Red Hood is of the alley and they remember the boy in bright colors and an even brighter smile. They look at this angry broken man trying so hard to do good and see the boy who died too soon.

The next day a mural of Red Hood pops up across from the Robin Memorial.

[bat-therapy]

things that make Gotham criminals say “oh shit”:

Batman showing up to the hideout and not asking any questions

Nightwing cracking his escrima sticks together with 0 witty banter or foreplay

Red Hood when his hands are shaking

Injured Robin and Batman known to be in near proximity 

Any sightings of Batman on Robin II’s death anniversary

Superman in Gotham without an escort

Batman speeding through the Narrows on a motorcycle and not the Batmobile

Red Hood abandoning his guns and throwing punches instead

Robin fighting with a sword and 0 supervision

Jim Gordon trying to quit cigarettes for the 19th time on the night shift

Any captured Batkid too injured/tired/frightened to taunt the responsible criminals

Batman bleeding and/or missing any major parts of his armor

Any Bat vigilante other than Duke outside during daylight hours

[bat-therapy]

Dick definitely has a habit of hanging upside down everywhere. He doesn't do it with any specific intention, it's just a strange position that he finds comfortable. As an adult he still seeks heights, and there is an area in his apartment where he can simply hang upside down from the ceiling, he does this whenever he needs to think, or simply relax.

Bruce, of course, is used to it. This kid has been doing it ever since he arrived at the mansion, and he never managed to break the habit. Hopefully he stopped him from doing it at some gala.

Sometimes Bruce still looks up at the ceiling, expecting to find Dick hanging upside down, staring at him, or just thinking. Sometimes he actually finds him, and just smiles.

"Hey there, chum"

"Hey, B"

Not everyone is Bruce. Dick scared too many people, more than he can count. He doesn't care at all.

[bat-therapy]

jason: who the fuck-

bruce: language

jason:

jason: WHOM the fuck-

bruce: NO-

[bat-therapy]

Average Jason Todd fic: he was Alfred’s favorite because he was good at cooking and would stay quiet while he ate/cooked with the butler

Me, because I cannot resist angst and realism: Jason was a street kid who only ended up with the Waynes in the first place because he was hungry enough to steal their tires. Of course he would always eat whatever Alfred gave him, learn as much about cooking as he could and stay silent during meals. It’s canonical that he felt like a charity case and lived in fear that Bruce would decide to kick him out again—he was preparing for the day he would once again be living day to day, only worrying about the next meal. He was silent because he didn’t know what might set Bruce off, and he thought if he acted like he wasn’t there then many he could stay. He appealed to Alfred because he was quiet, but Alfred did not know enough of his backstory to realize that silence was fear, not just an introverted child. 

[bat-therapy]

Guests at a gala notice that Brucie Wayne is surprisingly jacked. Like, a suspicious amount of muscle for a CEO who lives a life of luxury and doesn't do any physical labour. An amount of muscle that goes beyond "works out to stay fit and look good". And when he's asked about this by a gossip columnist guest he panicks (he's running on 2 hours sleep) and says "It's so I can pick up my kids!"

Now everyone is looking at his kids. Cass and Tim are tiny at 5’ 5 and 5' 7. Damian is still a kid and he's also small. Dick is bigger, but picking him up wouldn't require that much muscle. Maybe Duke, who is still growing but looks like he could be about Bruce's height when he's fully grown? Maybe him?

Then Jason officially returns from the dead. And everyone looks at the 6' 4, 260lbs walking double fridge and goes "Ahhh, ok then."

[bat-therapy]

I think realistically, whether you consider certain parts of the story or not, the matter of it is that in any adaption of their relationship, Bruce never looks at Jason quite right. Be it because of his past, because of his actions, because of the Joker confrontation, any of that . . . in the end, every adaption of them and their problems can be traced to Bruce having this IDEA of Jason in his head and it being ruined when Jason came back different. Against Batman’s no kill policy. No matter the circumstances, a father’s first reaction upon learning his son was alive should have been happiness. But Bruce refused to let himself be anything but Batman in that moment, and ended up fucking things up even more.

   Jason wanted protection, something a dad should give without needing to be asked, and Bruce wasn’t BRUCE enough to realize what it was. Jason was manipulated into vilifying Bruce and all Bruce did was accidentally confirm those thoughts by failing to be anything but Batman towards his revived son

   Jason? Jason went with Bruce, in the very beginning, FOR protection. He’d grown up with sucky parents and shitty homes and in one of the worst places in the world, later ALONE and fending for himself on the streets. Then he stole the batmobile tires and dared to hit Batman. Out of desperation. He had no one to help him and no one to protect him. And then he got sent to the foster care system, which he promptly discovered was a front for trafficking after almost getting trafficked himself. In the end he went to Bruce willingly because he thought that if anyone could protect him it was the Batman. And Bruce, even without stating it out loud, promised that protection. It was an unspoken promise that came with the Robin suit, the adoption, in Jason learning to call Bruce Dad.

   And when that idea wavers. When Jason thinks perhaps Bruce DOESN’T think of him as a son (“you’re not my son and I don’t need your teenage rebellion”) he runs to the only person he thinks might truly care if he lives or dies: his mom. And, instead of finding a caring protective mother, he finds someone willing to sell him out to the Joker. Then he dies and Bruce fails to save him—something that, despite all odds, Jason doesn’t actually blame him for.

   He’s revived and learns that after his death, he was replaced and Batman seems no more unhappy than before. He has no true information, is being fed lies and is literally under mentally influencing drug water. So he goes after Gotham, and when he ends it with a gun pointed at the Joker and an ultimatum pointed at Bruce, Bruce once again fails to protect him. Instead he choses to protect the Joker, thus solidifying in Jason’s eyes that Bruce has never thought of him as a son in the first place—and that he means less in Bruce’s eyes than his literal killer. 

   I love both Bruce and Jason. But god does Bruce’s handling of the situation ANGER me. 

[bat-therapy]

fic idea:

Jason jacks the Batmobile tires, just as in canon. Bruce finds him and decides to take him in, bringing him back to the cave.

   Now, Jason has never been out of crime alley, too afraid of roaming streets he didn’t know when he had nothing to protect himself with. He’s never been anywhere near Wayne manor, and though he knows it exists and knows about Bruce Wayne, he would never recognize it.

   Bruce takes off his mask and waits for ghe inevitable “omg Bruce Wayne is Batman!” moment. It doesn’t come. 

Bruce: *takes off mask*

Jason:

Bruce: I . . . You can call me Bruce?

Jason: *narrows eyes at him* okay?

So Bruce just thinks “idk I guess he doesn’t care”.

Jason, on the other hand, is currently wondering if his new foster dad is an idiot. Why would he care about some dude named Bruce?? Isn’t him being Batman way more interesting?? And why does Bruce keep looking at him oddly???

Same thing happens when Bruce introduces him to Dick. Absolutely no fanfare. Bruce is straight up wondering if the kid knows about the Waynes.

Jason, meanwhile, has been silently freaking out over the MANSION he is apparently in??? He got adopted by a millionaire or something???

Selina takes one look at the kid and says flatly to Bruce, “your son is blind, honey.”

Bruce feels like a very inadequate Detective.

Turns out Jason very much needs glasses.

(Queue Jason freaking out when he puts them on and OMG THATS FUCKING BRUCE WAYNE)

When Bruce introduces his sons:

Dick: *holds out hand* hey, you can call me Dick

Jason: *huffs* why would I do that?? I’m not looking to be unadapted

Dick:

Bruce:

Dick: *whispers to Bruce* does this child know who we are??

Bruce: honestly jury’s still out

Jason: *squinting at Alfred* is that your dad???

Bruce:

Dick: I love him

Bruce: no, Jason, this is our butler, alfred

Jason: *leans over and whispers to dick* I thought butlers were a myth. Like dragons and all that??? Cuz they’re in fairytales??

dick: Bruce it’s a good thing you adopted him because if it want you it would be me

[bat-therapy]

I know he is legit suicidal at that point and the entire city of Bludhaven is being erased from the map but this is so cool. So badass.

This is one of those panel I would die to see animated. Are you kidding ?

[bat-therapy]

I need in my life Tim Drake who does rely on adults but really only one and Bruce is jealous as fuck about it.

"Tim where's your spleen, why haven't you told anyone about this"

"I told Dick what you talking about"

"Tim you played baseball in outerspace why didn't you call for backup?"

"I called Dick"

Why didn't you tell us you were bisexual"

"Dick's known for years? Wym?"

You see my vision Bruce, Alfred, Jack Drake I need these adults pushing for Tim to talk to them or ask for help and this boy to just constantly be like Dick knows, I called Dick, why would I call you.

Dick's sitting pretty knowing everything not surprised by a single fact because if it's the stupidest thing or the most important guess what Tim called him.

The man knows and sees all because Tim heard once that you tell a trusted adult important stuff and well Tim has only ever trusted one.

[bat-therapy]

Dick having 27 jobs and Tim being Like That are both consequences of that thing where you grow up assuming you’ll die young, taking your inevitable death for granted, and then somehow you don’t, you hit adulthood and go what now? I was never supposed to live this long. What now?

[bat-therapy]

There's something supremely funny about how pple characterize Tim and Damian as loners w/ little social interaction when they're also the only Robin's to have named friends out of uniform. Legit all of Jason & Dick's friends are intrinsically entwined with their vigilante work meanwhile Tim was running d&d campaigns & Damian is over here reluctantly joining the gotham equivalent of the scoobydoo gang.

Tim's literal boyfriend is someone who he canonically knew in high school on a purely civilian level.