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A Year and A Half Ago...
I attempted suicide. A year and a half ago.
And I’m still sitting here tired, sad, lifeless. In a year and a half nothing has changed. I still wish I were not alive...
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Bones are Beautiful...
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Am I Truly Fat or is it just Bodydysmorphia? I Want Little More than to See Myself Through the Eyes of Someone Who Loves Me. I Want to Love Me...
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Thighs so Thin They Match My Calves...
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I know I should, but I can’t. I need to stay around 103 until I’m weighed next month at the doctors to verify I’ve ‘stopped losing weight’. What is wrong with me?
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I’m Reaching for Thin Like She’s Reaching for Flowers. Skinny is Recognizable in Every Asset- Elegant Fingers. Visible Veins. Hollow Arms... I Want it All.
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To be a Wisp in White Sundresses...
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When I’m Anxious I Breathe in and Feel the Hollows Between My Bones...
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So that my Short Legs look Long and Elegant. Thigh Highs and Mini Skirts. A Doll-Like Appearance...
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Dainty. Hollow. Walking on Air.
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Perfection. Perfection. Perfection. Please.
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Fasting Again
Was forced to eat several celebration meals this week in order to not receive odd looks or suspicion. Haven’t weighed myself since, and am terrified to step on that scale. Fasting until Monday, will weigh myself then. Will continue to fast until I see 96 on the scale...
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New UGW
Reached my original UGW of 98. I still see fat. I still see flaws. I still see changes I need to make. New UGW of 91. Whats seven more pounds. Right?
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UGW Met!
Officially under 98 lbs. Too bad when I look in the mirror all I see are more changes that need to be made... When will I be satisfied?
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Whispy, Thin, Dainty, Fragile, Child-Like... I want all the Synonyms for Skinny.
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Fragile and Delicate. The Two Words I return to Over and Over. This is how I want to be Viewed. This is how I want to be Seen. This is how I want to be Thought Of.
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Small Steps.
- I am officially under 100 lbs! I more pound and I reach my original UGW!
- I completed my 100 hour fast. Now to force myself to eat something today...
- I have a thigh gap! It is small, but there. I hope it continues to grow.
-I can finally see the bones on the back of my neck.
Baby steps. I have to remind myself that progress is being made, even though I still hate myself when I look in the mirror. These are definite changes. I am getting tinier, more fragile, more delicate. Maybe one day I will be so small that I will see it too.
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