barelysurvivingmentalhealth - Tumblr blog

[barelysurvivingmentalhealth]

The only reason I'm not cutting every night is because my kittens follow me onto my room, and I don't want them too see that.

[barelysurvivingmentalhealth]

Want to self harm but I honestly cannot be arsed.

I feel so pent up and stressed, I just need the release.

Obviously I'm not sick enough if I can't even hurt myself......

[barelysurvivingmentalhealth]

I've been rereferred to the mental health team, this will be the third time.

Last time they refused me I crashed, I'm not sure I can handle it again.....

[barelysurvivingmentalhealth]

I have to stay for the rabbits and kittens

I have to stay for the rabbits and kittens

I have to stay for the rabbits and kittens........

[barelysurvivingmentalhealth]

got really overwhelmed today and felt so guilty for stimming even though I couldn't help it.

I was at a course with recovery college, I'd seen a ton of flashing blue lights before which agitated me, then arrived early (first student there) which stressed me out more. Then the paper they gave me felt dusty, before suddenly all my paper (ones given in previous sessions and my notebook) felt dusty too and no matter how much I tried to wipe it off with my sleeve it would not go away.

Then people outside the lesson where being noisy, at one point there was banging like someone was hammering something. They closed the door, but they had to move a scooter which beeped really loud and high pitched, blue lights kept going past outside and the heater was blowing right on me and I couldn't stop twitching. I couldn't make notes without pulling my sleeve up because the paper felt awful, people were talking over each other, and someone when I tried giving advice said "well, I don't have my family behind me."

I've not been able to cut for a while because my cloths are filthy and we had no tumble dryer until today. I can wash the clothes on Wednesday, but I'm not in from around twelve.

I'm stressed, I keep burning but it's not the same because I'm too much of a wimp

[barelysurvivingmentalhealth]

The past few years have been shit, but this year keeps kicking me even though I'm already down.

Started with a waterleak in my room, meaning there was mold on the wall at the head of my bed. So I slept at the foot of my bed, and it started coming through there. Great.

Then had to leave my job as I was about to collapse mentally. So with support of my counsellor I left, which comes with all the guilt of being a 25 YO who can't even fucking work. Fine, sure.

Then we had to have my dog put to sleep. The dog that stopped me killing myself last year. Sure, let's loose all 4 of our dogs each year since 2020, mentally able to deal with that.

Then our eldest rabbit passed away. Was able to spoil her rotten before hand but all the photos I took on my phone of her drinking a smoothie for the first time? Yeah, my phone decided they weren't important and just decided they didn't need to exist. Perfect, thank you.

Then, after giving our last 3 rabbits a treat I accidentally left one of the hutches open. 2 of them got out and were killed during the night. Cue breakdown with rabbit blood on my hand from picking them up. Just what I need.

So, I built an area for my last rabbit finally to get her a friend. We'll, mum decided that it's the perfect time to start feeding the foxes. Great, pretty sure they just killed 2 of our pets but yeah, let's encourage them to be in our garden.

Oh, and the roof I put up for the rabbit area, doesn't allow me to waterproof the area at all, in fact it collapses when it rains. Thankfully I got my rabbit a friend and they get on brilliantly, surely just positive from here. They make me smile everyday.

But we have to sort out the roof, so my dad asks his friend. He'll do it for us. We'll, our order of materials got lost and by the time they arrived he went into surgery and now has an infection. Don't blame him at all, you know it just sucks. But hey, we have temporary solutions that are kinda working, and my rabbits are happy. They make me smile, so now it has to be positive.

Boom, today, another waterleak in my room..... this time in my wardrobe which means I have to empty it again, though I have only just got my clothes back in there. Now we've gotta redo it, again.

I'm tired, I know shit happens but this much in one year.

[barelysurvivingmentalhealth]

I'm struggling so much.

Showering is getting really hard, my hair gets so bad that it hurts to wash it.

I can barely leave the house past the garden, and I only go to the garden to spend time with my rabbits.

When I leave the house its for appointments, or occasionally to the shop but I feel so sick the whole time.

I feel like such a burden to everyone, I'm ignoring messages because I just can't right now.

The only reason I get out of bed is too see my rabbits, they are the only reason I genuinely smile, but I feel like I'm just failing them so much.

I just want to dissappear, the world sucks so much and there is nothing I can do

[barelysurvivingmentalhealth]

I want to cut but I just can't be asked.

It ends up so messy, wish I could just do it then not worry, you know......

[barelysurvivingmentalhealth]

The fucking roof of my rabbits area collapsed, completely.

I worked so hard on it, I said I needed help securing it and now it's gone.

I can't, I just can't. Everything I do fucking fails and I just can't take ot anymore

[barelysurvivingmentalhealth]

Hahaha, forgot my friends birthday.

Fucking hate myself so much.....

[barelysurvivingmentalhealth]

I want to scream

[barelysurvivingmentalhealth]

I want to scream until I can't no more.

I want to cry until my tears run dry.

I want to rip apart my skin, tear it off piece by piece.

I want to pull my hair out by the roots.

I want to suffer so much that I can't suffer no more.

I'm tired, tired of living of just being.

I want days where I'm happy, not just a sad wreck.

I want friends that I can turn too.

I want a place to call my own.

I feel stuck, like I'm wading through quicksand or drying concrete. It's hard too see a way out when all I see are problems.

Maybe everything would be better if I was no longer here.....

[barelysurvivingmentalhealth]

Putting my notice in at work tonight, I feel like shit

I work 3 nights a week at a local store stocking shelves, I couldn't do days as there was just too many people for me to handle.

It started of great, I told my manager about my anxiety after I broke down at the end of a shift and she was really understanding. I told her how I have a fear of letting people down and she reassured me that as a starter I was doing amazing.

Then she banned headphones, the same shift she retrained me because I was to slow. I got a drs note, explained to her how the headphones stop my brain from replaying the same bad thoughts and made it easier for me to concentrate. She trauma dumped on me (not going into specifics, but it wasn't great) and ranted about how everybody sees her as mean. I asked her for an update after Christmas (a month or so later), she unbanned them (allowing only 1.)

Well, now there not working. My brains going constantly during work and I have to keep tissues on me because I keep tearing up. I'm panicking more, not recovering between shifts both physically and mentally, and I've slowed down a lot. I was pulled into the office 2 Mondays ago, I'm to slow again. My manager said that she knows a lots going on outside of work, but how long it took me was "not good enough" and that it's "unfair on the rest of the team."

On Sunday I came home in tears, on Wednesday my counsellor told me to put my notice in before things get to bad.

So I am, today. I see one manager tonight, another Sunday night, I've put down that my last set of shifts will be next weekend. Though I'm kinda relieved, I feel shit. I feel like such a failure as an adult, I see people I went to school with working, getting married, living away from their family. Yet here I am single, living at home and about to become unemployed after only 6 months of working.

If it wasn't for my dog, I would honestly just end it.....

[barelysurvivingmentalhealth]

She is the only reason I'm staying alive.

When she goes, I go with her

[barelysurvivingmentalhealth]

I see my doctor monthly for my mental health, mainly because I am struggling to get any help for it. She knows how much I'm struggling, not just with depression and anxiety but with self harm and suicidal thoughts. She is an amazing doctor, very lucky to have appointments with her. It got the point I was comfortable enough to bring up sterilisation.

I've never wanted kids, the thought of pregnancy terrifies me. Not just the giving birth part, the whole process. My sister recently gave birth, and I'm over the moon for her because I know how much she wants kids, but during her whole pregnancy I saw her once (we do love a couple of hours apart, but I had the opportunity to see her more during it.) When I was driving down to see her, I felt sick with worry. When I saw her I could not even hug her properly because I was terrified of feeling the bump. Heck, even photos she sent me of her bump or videos of the baby kicking scared the life out of me. I met her son yesterday, and the 4 or so hours I was there drained me. Yes, he's cute and everything but lord almighty it's just so much.

So, I've wanted to get steralised for years, since I first found out that it was something that you could get done. I have been open to family and friends for so long that I don't want kids, that I'd rather it all be taken out so I don't need to worry about it. I've never had sex, never been in a relationship and couldn't see myself doing any of that until I was 100% certain there was no chance I would get pregnant. I know abortions are an option, but I don't want to doanything and I mean anything in relation to pregnancy.

I was prepared for the whole "you might change your mind" and "your only young, you have your whole future ahead of you" but lord it was worse than I imagined. My doctor just said that the coil is just as effective as tubes tied, but reversible and suggested that. I agreed, it's a start and I know getting it redone will show how adamant I am not to get pregnant. However, the doctor today just did not understand. When I said that pregnancy terrified me, she spoke about epidurals and all that lot, even after I explained its the whole idea of it. She asked if I had abstained since my last period, and I said I've never had sex. She asked if I thought that would changed, and I said no, that I just didn't want the risk there at all.

But now I have the coil, even though I know its really effective it still doesn't feel enough. I still can't even think of having sex, I just wish I could get it all taken out and not have to worry about it at all.

I know this probably sounds like I'm just whining, but it's just exhausting. I'm fed up of being told all the joys of pregnancy, how amazing it is even after I tell them how terrified the though is. You wouldn't go up to someone terrified of heights and tell them how amazing it is to be up high and how they'll regret not doing it. Not every person with a womb wants to get pregnant, not everyone wants children. Why do some people not see it as an option.

Now I'm in pain, and it still doesn't feel like I've got rid of the risk enough. I just hope that they are prepared for me to bring it up everytime I get my coil replaced, cause I am not going to stop....

[barelysurvivingmentalhealth]

My cuts are getting deeper, I'm meant to be stopping so I can get help.

But, I can't do it. I tried and lasted 1 day before I started shouting at my family for no fucking reason. I need help, I need fucking therapy or counselling but I have to stop self harming to get help....

[barelysurvivingmentalhealth]

Nothing bad happened to me.

I wasn't raped, sexually assaulted and I did not grow up in am abusive home.

Yes, I was bullied in school but everyone was. Mine wasn't that bad.

I haven't witnessed something traumatic, I haven't been to war.

But here I am. Anxious and depressed, clogging up our already filled and under funded mental health service. Taking the option away from people who deserve it more.

I'm just weak. I should just kill myself and make everyone's life easier