bansheebender

[bansheebender]

dick grayson is absolutely the kind of person to have a fairly bad allergy to some food, and completely ignore it because that is his favorite food what do you mean he can't eat it?

i like the idea of him being allergic to mangos. not necessarily bad enough to warrant a hospital visit every time, but enough he suffers for his choices.

i also like the idea that the batfam have to keep eyes on this man at all times when a mango is in his vicinity.

Dick, wandering the Manor with faux casualty, mango in hand as he tries to find somewhere to eat it out of sight:

Jason, sitting in the library: "Hey, Dickie, what've you got there?"

Dick, immediately looking like a guilty dog who got caught in the trash: "...nooothing-"

Jason, snapping his book shut and sitting up: "Is that a fucking mango."

Dick, bolting: "NO?"

Jason, chasing immediately: "YOU CAN'T FUCKING EAT THOSE, GIVE IT HERE! DICK!"

Tim, sitting at the Batcomputer, working on a case:

Barbara, popping on screen: "Mango alert."

Tim, dropping everything to bolt upstairs: "RICHARD JOHN GRAYSON!"

A muffled screech is heard in the distance, followed by curses and demands of "spit that shit out NOW-"

The entire Batfam at dinner:

Dick, sneaking the mango flavored icecream over:

Damian, smacking his hand: "Richard for the love of-"

Dick, snatching the icecream and bolting: "You can't keep me from my mangos! I will never relent! MANGOS FOREVER!"

The entire family chases him down. Alfred is preparing treatment, and Bruce is sitting alone at the dining table, a few more grey hairs, and looking like he regrets everything. Muffled screams, curses, and then a loud lecture from at least three different people can be heard a few rooms over.

listen, the day he discovered his allergy was the same day he discovered his new favorite fruit, and he absolutely considers it a crime of the highest caliber to keep such a snack away from him.

[bansheebender]

News - Sometimes in the 90s

Angela Ito, on field reporter, was relaying the latest Gotham news and quickly went over to Batman.

Angela (reporter voice): Batman how do you feel about defeating Penguin yet again?

Batman: Well-

Batman paused hearing chewing sounds close to him. He looked down to see his Robin!Dick (9 at the time) snacking on a moon pie cake. He turned to his young sidekick and stared at him until the young boy noticed.

Robin!Dick (noticing, holding up the half eaten cake): Want some?

Batman: I told you no snacks.

Robin!Dick (still chewing): Um, yeah, but I get hungry, I'm a growing boy.

Angela (sucking her teeth, Bronx accent slipping in): Take the loss Batman. My kid is the same way.

Batman: No, no, I told him to not eat snacks on patrol. Robin give me the cake.

Robin!Dick (feigning Innocence): I'm sorry Batman, but if it hel- helps, I brought a couple of them and they're in the glove compartment. I made sure we could both have snacks together because... I- I love you so much.

Angela: Aww. Sorry Batman, I think he won the argument.

Batman resignly sighed as Robin kept chewing the cake with a mischievous giggle and his smile making him look innocent.

The video paused as Stephanie squealed at the cuteness.

Stephanie: Oh God, he was so cute! I want to hug him and give him kisses!

Dick (adult, eating a moon pie cake): I appreciate the compliment, but I'm still cute, but also a himbo.

Stephanie and Cass laughed as Bruce rolled his eyes annoyed.

Bruce: You were such a manipulative child and you used your childhood cuteness to trick me! I'm not sure how, but you did. Angela was the only saving grace during those evasive interviews.

Dick: Yeah she was nice.

Bruce knocked the cake out of his son's hand, but Dick casually picked it up and continued eating it without a care. Bruce sighed, slapping a hand over his eyes.

Dick: I was a cute child, wasn't I? I loved that type of attention.

Bruce: You were manipulative as well.

Dick shrugged with an agreeing grin.

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Artemis: You got shot, and your reaction is to pull the bullet out with tweezers? You're not even crying!

Jason: I literally died for two or five years. Crying over a gunshot in my arm is beneath me. Plus, it’s just the arm—you can live from that.

Artemis (slightly unnerved): I... Okay, whatever. I'm not spraying him with Neosporin.

Bizarro (shoving Roy forward): I am doing it too.

Roy groaned, grabbing the can. He shook it and sprayed it on Jason’s wound but got kicked in the stomach with such force that he fell to the ground in pain.

Jason: Hey, no screaming this time. I'm getting better.

Artemis (trying not to laugh): Roy, you okay?

Roy: Wench, you know I'm not!

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Usual phone calls with Bruce and Jason

Jason (answering the phone): Sup?

Bruce: Did you steal my hair gel?

Jason (shooting a man charging at him): Yes.

Bruce: You’re not going to lie or anything?

Jason (kicking another goon attempting to jump him): Nah, you use the good stuff, and that good stuff is expensive. I won’t pay you back either.

Bruce (exhausted): If I send you the gel in bulk, will you stop doing that?

Jason: How long will it last?

Bruce: If you use it correctly, about a year.

Jason (his free hand holding back a goon): Hm... before I answer, what’s your opinion on fighting female criminals?

Bruce: Equal rights, equal fights.

Jason (kicking said goon in the stomach): Exactly, one second then.

The female in question charged at Jason attempting to strike him with her bat, but he grabbed the bat, tilted his head to keep hold of his phone then kicked the woman in her stomach. The lady groaned, but Jason quickly pressed his boot on her stomach to make her stay down.

Lady Queenpin (Spanish): ¡Pendejo, tenías que arruinarme todo! (Asshole, you just had to ruin everything for me!)

Jason (to her): Yeah, yeah cry about it in prison.

Jason sighed, looking around the warehouse then returning to his phone call with Bruce.

Jason: All right, that amount works for now. Glad we made a reasonable bargain.

Bruce (also refusing to say thank you): Glad you accepted it. Have fun on your mission, and for the love of God, don’t kill anyone.

Jason: Totally, totally, totally. I’ll call you back.

Jason abruptly ended the call and looked at the goons he shot.

Jason: Okay, are you guys alive or dead? Groan if you’re alive!

The three goons he shot all groaned to confirm they were at least alive. Jason nodded.

Jason: All right, didn’t shoot to kill, but if you guys die, that’s on you!

Lady Goon: I can't believe you hit a woman!

Jason: You’re a drug runner and an abusive parent. You’re lucky I let you live.

Lady Goon: ¡Eres un inútil! (You suck!)

Jason (spinning his gun with ease): And you have a hole in your arm.

Jason shot the lady in the arm with casual precision causing her immense pain, but she was alive to be arrested.

[bansheebender]

big fan of Damian in the mikel janín style that is talia al ghuls baby he looks like her so much. al ghul face card doesn’t decline and personally I think we should draw him to look like her instead of Bruce clone 27

[bansheebender]

Nightwing: Take the grenade in your right hand, and grab the pin with your left hand.

Nightwing: Pull the pin out of the grenade with a sharp movement…

Red Hood: Read the rest in the next issue of our Bat-magazine!

[bansheebender]

A list of the Batkids’ number of children should they choose to follow their dad’s footsteps of compulsive adoption they’ll definitely follow him

Stephanie Brown/Spoiler: None. None at all. She insists that she wants to be the cool aunt instead 

Cassandra Cain/Orphan: One, but no more than that 

Barbara Gordon/Oracle: One, maybe two, but that’s it 

Duke Thomas/Signal: Two kids, maybe three if lucky 

Tim Drake/Red Robin: Same as Duke 

Damian Wayne: If we’re talking animals, he’s lost count. If we’re talking humans, maybe he’ll take in two 

Dick Grayson/Nightwing: Three to five kids 

Jason Todd/Red Hood: He honestly lost count after the 20th one 😂😂😂

[bansheebender]

Bruce, having to deal with a meeting: If I politely asked you to cme over and kill me could you?

Tiny Jason: I'd come over and hug you, I don't think I'd kill you-

Tiny Dick, angry over the Last Cookie Fiasco: I'll do it!

[bansheebender]

If battinson 2 doesn’t have Robin im screaming. I’m crying. I want to see the broken child, and Robert pattinson, Bruce Wayne, barely in his twenties, realise that this kid is looking at the stage the way he looked at the chalk drawn on the ground, outlining his parent’s bodies

If Robin is not in The Batman part two, I’m gonna cry

[bansheebender]

battinson would be the most embarrassing dad ever. when i picture him looking after little dick grayson i see him in an mcr shirt wearing sunglasses while at a parent teacher conference. he can't make eye contact with any of the teachers, parents or even the kids who stare at him when he comes to collect dick from the schoolyard.

meanwhile dick doesn't see what's so embarrassing about him (everyone else does, even alfred) and instead asks bruce if they can have matching shirts because he wants to look like him and battinson tears up when dick shows him a mini mcr shirt wearing shades that are far too big for his tiny face and goes "ok"

just imagine battinson dressed like that. and by his side is a 9 yr old dick wearing the same outfit trying to mimic bruce's stoic expression. adorable.

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Damian: I check out of school to go volunteer at the hospital

Alfred: *raising from the grave* FINALLY a member of this family with a NORMAL hobby, and it's volunteering at the hospital *dabbs corner of his eye with a handkerchief* it's about time.

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Cass: *puts a load in and starts washing machine*

Washing Machine: *stops*

Washing Machine, in a tinny voice: Hello. Can I request you to remove the seventeen different ancient coins you have stuffed inside your suit pockets.

Cass: ...

Cass: No, you stinky little metal mouse butt.

Washing Machine: *sighs*

Later, at dinner:

Cass, to Bruce: When were you going to tell me that our washing machine has become intelligent.

Bruce: *lowers his hand and looks at her*

The rest of the Batfam: *stares*

Bruce: what.

Cass, unconcernedly: I had a whole conversation with our machine this afternoon. It gave me tips for folding my kevlar suits, and expressed appreciation for my taste in coin collection.

Bruce:...

The rest of the kids:...

Stephanie: Cass.

Dick: So just to be clear. You had an entire conversation with an inanimate object.

Cass: ...yes?

Jason: Hallelujah!

Tim: (chuckling) Welcome to the family!

Dick: You're not truly a bat until the appliances start talking.

Bruce: For me it was the toaster oven. It insisted I wasn’t preheating it properly.

Damian: Father, Grayson, Drake, Todd. You're all saying...you have had long talks with...things?

Tim: Oh I had an entire codependent relationship with the refrigerator. It lasted for three weeks.

Damian:..

Cass:...

Cass: I am beginning to question my involvement in this family.

Damian: So am I.

Stephanie: Relax, baby bats. It's just all the sleep deprivation with some caffeine addiction thrown in. You didn't really think you'd get away with it scot-free, did you?

Cass: *stands up* If you all will excuse me, I have to put a great deal of distance between us.

Damian: *pushes back his plate and stands up* Cain I will come with you. This family is, as the saying goes, nuttier than a fruitcake.

Cass: *walking away* Just give me a moment, Damian, to say goodbye to a friend.

Damian: Cain. Why are you heading towards the laundry room?

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during occasions where Batman is really needed and Dick and Bruce are both unavailable for some reason, they have to call up Jason because he's the only other one of the bats that will properly fill out the suit. Bruce hates these occasions. Not because he doesn't want Jason to be Batman, but because Jason uses these opportunities to fuck with Batman's reputation as. much. as. possible.

while in the suit, he referred to 'himself' as the JLA's sugar daddy on live TV, and Bruce is still having to deal with it to this day. one time Bruce threatened Jason that he couldn't have guns on him while Batman, and Jason proceeded to leave his guns at the cave only to show up to the fight brandishing multiple giant water guns which he shot at police officers and nobody else. he flexes his arms and does 'sexy superheroine' poses every time he spots a camera aimed at him, even if he's in the middle of fighting somebody. he acts like he's best friends with the Flash. every. time.

Bruce wants to die inside. Dick quite honestly finds it fuckin hysterical, and he keeps trying to get into accidents whenever HE'S supposed to be Batman so that Jason has to do it instead.

Bruce tries to bribe Jason with money. Jason accepts the money. Jason does not stop. Bruce does not get his money back.

[bansheebender]

during occasions where Batman is really needed and Dick and Bruce are both unavailable for some reason, they have to call up Jason because he's the only other one of the bats that will properly fill out the suit. Bruce hates these occasions. Not because he doesn't want Jason to be Batman, but because Jason uses these opportunities to fuck with Batman's reputation as. much. as. possible.

while in the suit, he referred to 'himself' as the JLA's sugar daddy on live TV, and Bruce is still having to deal with it to this day. one time Bruce threatened Jason that he couldn't have guns on him while Batman, and Jason proceeded to leave his guns at the cave only to show up to the fight brandishing multiple giant water guns which he shot at police officers and nobody else. he flexes his arms and does 'sexy superheroine' poses every time he spots a camera aimed at him, even if he's in the middle of fighting somebody. he acts like he's best friends with the Flash. every. time.

Bruce wants to die inside. Dick quite honestly finds it fuckin hysterical, and he keeps trying to get into accidents whenever HE'S supposed to be Batman so that Jason has to do it instead.

Bruce tries to bribe Jason with money. Jason accepts the money. Jason does not stop. Bruce does not get his money back.

[bansheebender]

jason comes back to gotham as red hood and the batfam have no idea who he is or that he has anything to do with the league of assasins until during a wayne gala theres a hostage situation and before bruce or anyone can figure out a way to go suit up a crime lord appears and saves everybody only to have a publically friendly catch up session with.... damian wayne.

damian covers to the press afterwards that its because of red hoods 'i dont hurt kids' rule and that he'd met the guy a few times in crime alley before he was dumped on bruce's doorstep. gotham's citizens are slightly concerned but honestly? the scary stabby child that's been glaring at them from the corners of parties since he got here with absolutely no backstory or history in gotham turning out to have a past with crime alleys most infamous protector/crime boss? it's a little comforting.

it's less comforting to the bats.

damian, getting out the car after the gala: I don't know what hood was thinking, making me his public ally. he's lucky the simpletons of this city bought that, don't you agree father?

damian: *turns to see the rest of the family staring at him with hard eyes*

damian:

damian: ...what did i do?

everybody's less than pleased that damian withheld the info that red hood is trained and from the LOA, but damian simply maintains that they never asked. when further questioned about why his relationship with hood was so familial and about what his identity is... they get

damian: hood was perhaps my favourite tutor back home, the only one i didn't kill. he taught me many things, from how to poison somebody to famous quotes and sayings from classic literature.

bruce: what. is. his. name.

damian: you know what one of those sayings was? 'snitches get stitches'

dick: *slams his face into the wall*

tim: well you did want him to be more childlike.

they eventually have to move past it because damian won't budge, unfortunately jason is finding this whole scenario fucking hysterical because holy shit he'd thought about coming back and pissing off his family through their secret personas but he hadn't even considered the beauty of coming back and pissing them off through their public personas.

and from then on the entire batfamily has to deal with pretending to be nervous or wary every time the red hood comes and crashes their very real wayne public events. it's fucking incredible. jason can't believe that he was gonna try and beat the shit out of tim to freak out bruce when all he had to do was grab a glass of champagne, walk up to the dude, and ask politely how stocks at WE are doing. 'brucie wayne' has no fucking clue what to do, and jason just poured the champagne against his helmet and let it all fall to the ground and everybody's too scared to say anything.

nobody else bats an eye when red hood becomes an occasional presence at these fancy events, apart from the people who know for a fact they could be on his shitlist. mostly because this is gotham, but also because they know he's a crime lord so like... riches and business running wise he kinda fits the bill for these things anyway? and if the stoic kid of brucie wayne eases up around him then the whole 'i dont hurt kids' thing must ring true so it's not like he'll cause too much trouble. also the guards are too scared to tell him he's not allowed in, so there's that.

the bats hate everything about this. they don't even know what red hoods game is, they have no idea why they're being tortured and they're getting paranoid about it. damian's absolutely no help because he's just happy to 1. get to see his brother on a regular basis again, and 2. get to see his brother find a less self-destructive outlet for the pit rage he's watched jason struggle with for years.

it's also just really fun to watch tim accidentally fall asleep against a wall mid-gala, wake up to red hood's helmet 2 inches from his face, and then almost break his own hand trying to punch it because he forgot that he wasn't in-mask and had to hold back last second.

dick is mostly just indignant because every time red hood shows up and hangs around near damian, damian immediately becomes a picture perfect public persona, interacting with the elites of gotham with the same expertise of tim or bruce. he's so mad that a crime lord can wrangle HIS little brother in public but he can't, that he completely disregards the whole crime lord thing and starts bugging red hood both in and out of mask about how to be a better older brother to damian. at one point he corners red hood on a rooftop mid patrol.

nightwing: ok, seriously, when I asked damian not to be rude to the new investors he told a woman her coat looked like it would hold up in a fight against two-face, but when YOU ask he becomes a model citizen, what is UP with that?

red hood, being an asshole: *gasp* y-you're.... YOU'RE RICHARD GRAYSON?

nightwing:

nightwing: ....oh my god you didn't know?

red hood: no i fucking knew you're just an idiot. and damian listens to me because I'm the only tutor he could never kill and he knows i'll beat his ass with my magic swords.

nightwing:

red hood: and also im the only one at the league who played Just Dance with him so i get special privileges, like telling him what to do.

dick asks damian to play Just Dance with him that night and damian just looks at him all forlorn, like 'it wouldn't be the same without the exhilarating thrill of knowing if anybody catches us hood will be stabbed and thrown in the lazarus pit again as punishment for corrupting me... it was really an unfair punishment considering he replaced grandfather's bed with a plastic pool covered by a sheet once, and the only punishment he got for that was being banned from the family dinners for two weeks'

dick stares at him. damian just adds 'he used to sit outside the window like a dog. watching and occasionally yelling about the injustice. mother gave him a plate of roast potatoes through the window once. grandfather disapproved.'

nobody knows quite what to do about red hood becoming a gotham elite, but they are becoming more concerned about damian's family's dynamic every goddamn day.

[bansheebender]

everytime tim pisses off jason jason's like "first you steal my fucking job, now this?!" and tim goes "i didn't STEAL robin, you were DEAD and the position needed to be FILLED." and then jason says "but when i stopped being dead you didn't give it BACK. when an office worker gets a replacement so they can go on maternity leave the replacement is supposed to FUCK OFF once the maternity leave ENDS." and tim argues "YOU WEREN'T ON FUCKING MATERNITY LEAVE JASON" and jason screams back equally loud "WELL I DISAPPEARED FOR AROUND NINE MONTHS AND THEN SHOWED BACK UP WITH DAMIAN WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!" and then tim leaping strikes him off a 6 story building

[bansheebender]

every time Jason is low on cash he pretends to be ready to make up with the family to lure Bruce out to a public restaurant for a 'reconciling meal' and the proceeds to intercept him as Red Hood in public just as he's about to enter the restaurant to pull a gun and demand his wallet. He then runs away with the money and stands Bruce up for lunch anyway. Bruce, just wanting to speak to his son, agrees to meet six times before he clocks the scam. Even then, he still agrees, tiredly, because at least this means Jason will text him every now and then.