bansheebender

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Incorrect quotes TIMBERN again, because I said so:

—

Tim: Bern.

Bernard, half awake, it's two in the morning: Hm?

Tim: Will you love me forever?

Bernard: Odd question—

Tim: Usually people say they'll love someone till the day they die but, maybe I don't wanna stop being loved when I die. Maybe I wanna be loved for all eternity no matter what happens. Maybe I wanna be loved even when I die, even after.

Bernard: Mm, that's nice babe. Sure, I'll love you even when we're ghost, having... Freaky ghost sex.

Tim, kicks him under the blankets:

Bernard, snickering:

—

Random reporter at a gala: Mr. Drake-Wayne! Mr. Drake-Wayne! It seems you've brought a plus one tonight! Who is he?

Tim, committed to a bit here, looking over at Bernard: Huh? Oh... Oh. Oh, I have no idea.

Tim, without hesitation or pause, throws himself at Bernard and they begin making out:

Bernard, also committed to the bit, making it the sloppiest make out session possible right in front of the camera:

The camera zooms out to see Dick's horrified face and Bruce's tired expression:

(That's how Tim came out as bisexual to the public.)

—

Bernard, with Tim, walking at night: This is romantic— well, as romantic as Gotham can get.

Tim, holding his hand: It is, and Gotham is very romantic, for your information. I rather like the aesthetic.

Bernard: Well, I for one, like your aesthetic.

Tim: Oh? And what is it you like about it?

Bernard: The eye bags and pale skin, really, brings out the sickly Victorian attitude—

Dick, getting throw from the rooftops and crashing into a nearby wall:

Jason, running out from the same direction, shooting rapidly into the darkness: HI TIM!

Tim: I f#&-#%@ hate this family.

—

Bruce, formally meeting Bernard for the first time: And what exactly are your intentions with my son?

Tim: Bruce, really?

Dick: It's our responsibility, baby bird, only the best for you.

Jason, who was dragged here against his will, reading in the background: I don't care about any of this bulls-#t.

Bernard, making direct eye contact with Tim:

Tim, trying to telepathically tell him no in every language he knows:

Bernard: My intentions are simple sir, to love him, be with him forever, and show him the appreciation he deserves.

Tim, pinching the bridge of his nose:

Bernard: And also find a pair of handcuffs he can't get out of—

Tim: BERNARD!

Bernard: That's not what you called me last night—

Tim: ONE JOB! You had ONE JOB!

Bernard: I think I did that pretty well last night—

Dick:

Jason, slowly looking up from his book:

Bruce, feeling his last functional brain cell imploding:

—

Kon: So, what's Bernard like, is he a good guy?

Tim: Oh, yeah, he's great! We attempted to summon the Jersey Devil last night before making offerings to Dionysus and then sent videos of ourselves singing along to Chapel Roan to Ra's Al Ghul and I made sure it'd play on all his devices, he won't be able to turn them off anytime soon.

Kon:

Kon: Is... That's...

Tim: Romantic, right?

Kon: . . . Y'know what? Good for you, happy for you, buddy.

Tim: Thanks! We're gonna make calzones tonight and genetically modify garlic.

Kon:

—

Alfred: I hear you wish to be a chef some day.

Bernard: Oh, yeah! I love cooking, kinda always have, it's like a break from regular Gotham city chaos.

Alfred, just glad he finally has someone to pass down family recipes to: Yes, my boy, it is.

—

Tim, half asleep, stumbling out his bedroom at four in the afternoon on a weekend:

Bernard: Hey, sleepy head!

Tim, stumbling right up to Bernard, throwing his arms around him:

Bernard: ???

Tim: What if the churozzle is-tha mcgraffle?

Bernard: . . . What?

Tim, promptly falls asleep against Bernard:

—

Bernard, making a TikTok: I was nice to the exchange student ONE TIME in high school.

*The camera zooms over to Tim, dressed in Grinch footie pajamas, there's a smudge of SOMETHING on his cheek, his eyes are glazed over, the television is playing some old Care Bear rerun, he's hunched over, hair in the messiest bun known to man, and he's eating cereal that's so soggy that the fruit loops have become one with the milk, creating an odd, pastel rainbow liquid slop.*

—

The paparazzi waiting for the Wayne's to show up to a very, very important, high class social event and charity gala in Gotham that the Wayne's have been attending for generations, not even Bruce has ever appeared as anything less than well behaved:

*The Wayne's limo arrives, Alfred calmly walks around, opening the door*

Damian, falling out as soon as the door opens, scrambling back: DOWD YOU DEFILER! DISHONOR TO YOU! DISHONOR TO YOUR WHOLE FAMILY!

Cass, dragging Jason out who's waving a gun around, yelling for the first time anyone's ever heard in public: YOU CANNOT SHOOT HIM! TIM IS RIGHT THERE! BERNARD, GET OFF HIM!

Stephanie, cackling like a mad man with her mouth full of popcorn, this is pretty much the only reason she came:

Dick: STOP MAKING OUT OH MY GOD WE DIDN'T EVEN LET YOU TWO DRINK THAT MUCH BEFORE COMING HERE OH MY GOD! TIM DON'T PUT YOUR HAND THERE!!! MY BABY!!!

Duke, getting out to stand to the side: Can we just f#&#@# leave them?? They ain't stoppin' anytime soon and I really don't wanna be around when this progresses.

Bruce, casually getting out the limo, giving Alfred a tight smile as he passes him, going to meet with Barbara and Jim:

Jim, absolutely horrified: By God, Bruce, what happened?

Bruce: Tim turned 21 today, so Alfred sat him and his boyfriend down before we came here for a few rounds of drinks. Unfortunately, we miscalculated how much of a lightweight they both are... And how they might act while drunk.

*The paparazzi cameras zoom to Bernard and Tim passionately making out in the back of the limo...*

Kon, who is here with a less than impressed Lex Luthor: GET IT, TIM!!!

—

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Someone else HAS to have said this but can we appreciate the cosmic joke on Timothy Drake-Wayne that is his boyfriend having figured out behind his back that he's Robin. Like ohhhhh ohhhhhhh I'm so sorry Mr. Drake-Wayne. It must suck to have someone pay a lot of attention to you and figure out your secret bat-identity. Maybe you and someone else in your family this happened to can make a support group about it

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inspired by the beautiful variant cover by stephen byrne

he totally gives me phantom thief vibes!

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Why are they always ten stories up, get down-

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Jason “I need to lay low for a couple days” Todd going to Wayne Manor because it’s actually one of the most, if not the most, secure and off-grid locations in all of Gotham, run by no other than Bruce “my billion dollar underground Cave isn’t one of your hideouts, Jason” Wayne and Alfred “harboring fugitives is a longstanding Wayne Manor tradition, sir” Pennyworth.

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there's a lot of debate on tt about the apothecary diaries anime giving people certain hair and eye colors... guys. guys it's anime rules. nobody actually has pink eyes and blue hair. maomao does not actually have green hair. we SEE her as having these traits because we don't have the same nuanced interpretation of certain features appearing more or less western in the context of this universe. she needs to be different colors to stand out in the visual medium. shes (assumedly) black eyed and dark haired in the novels but its already hard enough to tell apart people bc of how massive the cast is. Li is INSPIRED by imperial China but nothing says it actually is or has to be. people on tiktok are having Serious Debates about this . where is your WHIMSY

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Rikuson: *dances with Maomao*

Jinshi: I will put an end to that man's bloodline.

Rikuson: You should lead the Western capital, Your Highness.

Jinshi: Curse you and your ugly bangs.

Rikuson: *sits on a couch*

Jinshi: The audacity of this son of a b-

Rikuson: 😊

Jinshi: Why I oughta toss this knave into a jail cell where he truly belongs.

Rikuson: *opens his mouth*

Jinshi: Imma get the dirt on you, fool, just you wait and see.

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One brain cell, your honor

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And she calls Jinshi a masochist.

THE APOTHECARY DIARIES: chapter 6 and 7

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do you guys remember when jason totally pushed that guy off the balcony for abusing women cause he didn’t like the guy was gonna get away with it cause of diplomatic immunity. and then jason died like three weeks later and then when he came back to life he said fuck it and started killing people just like that guy for fun and also took over the entire gotham criminal underground just because he could and so innocent people (like that girl that dude he pushed off the balcony had killed, or like his mom who raised him, or like himself) wouldn’t get hurt in the crossfire anymore.

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Dick is never going to get to have a midlife crisis because Bruce is going through his for him. also because he will not be making it to 40.

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Bruce, watching Dick entertain someone's kid at a gala they're infiltrating:

Alfred: "Is something the matter sir? You've been frozen there for quite some time. Master Bruce?" *taps into the lens cameras*

Bruce: "Maybe they should've all led normal lives. Wouldn't that have been nice?"

Alfred, currently communicating between six different vigilantes: "Master Bruce, the ship has sailed so far it's back where it started."

Bruce: "Alfred--"

Alfred: "At this point it has transcended time and become a rocket ship--"

Bruce: "I get your point--"

Alfred: "--traversing the far depths of space--"

Bruce: "Enough!"

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Tim is typing furiously at his laptop when Damian walks in, holding a katana.

Damian: Drake, do you know what time it is?

Tim: not looking up Uh, noon?

Damian: Wrong. It’s time for you to perish.

Tim: still typing Can it wait until I finish this report for Bruce?

Damian: pauses …Very well. But know that your doom is imminent.

Five minutes later, Damian returns with snacks and silently places them next to Tim.

Tim: smirks Thanks for the snacks, future executioner.

Damian: huffs I refuse to let you die of starvation before I defeat you.

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Jason : I want you to know, you have my blessing.

Tim : For what ?

Jason : To consumate your relationship with Bernard.

Tim : Whoa, Jason !

Jason : I just meant that, should this thing work out, this guy's okay in my book. Look, I dont get to be a confidant all that often - ever, for anybody, because people don't really talk to me. So I... I wanted to give this careful consideration. And, after a thorough background check and an unauthorized blood test, I get what you see in this guy.

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Dick Tim Damian and Jason getting carried away during an all out sibling argument that breaks out during a public gala and they forget they have an audience to the point where Damian starts spitting his ‘i am the blood son of Bruce Wayne you have nothing on me you imbeciles’ and without thinking Jason responds with ‘yeah you’re the son of Brucie Wayne all right but you forget I’m the son of fucking BATMAN and i have been since before you were even fucking PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE’

Damian: I AM THE BLOOD CHILD OF BRUCE WAYNE YOU PATHETIC CREATURE

Jason, fully about to fist fight his little brother in front of these shrimp platters: AND I’M THE SON OF BATMAN, WHILE YOU WERE TAUGHT HOW TO SIP CHAMPAGNE AND FALL INTO FOUNTAINS I WAS TAUGHT HOW TO THROW HANDS NOW FUCKING SQUARE UP CHILD

Dick, eyeing the now silent ballroom: uh, guys-

Tim, vibrating with excitement at the prospect of watching Damian get a ceramic plate to the face: don’t you fucking dare stop them

lacking context, Gotham is now under the impression that Jason Todd was not, in fact, a random street kid taken under Bruce’s wing, and is rather the biological son of Batman, who for some reason got his good friend Bruce Wayne to become the kid’s guardian, presumably to protect him from the life of crime he is leading. it also fuels the ‘Bruce Wayne is dating Batman’ rumours an almost impossible amount.

Another unforeseen consequence is that since it is common knowledge that the batkid vigilantes are most likely Batman’s children too, civilian Jason Todd is now considered to be the adopted brother of Tim, Damian, and Dick, and the biological brother of Nightwing, Red Hood, Red Robin, and Robin.

Jason is asked who his favourite sibling is.

‘ok they all suck apart from Hood. he’s such a nice man. used to take me ice skating.’

the family hate him.

[bansheebender]

Dick Tim Damian and Jason getting carried away during an all out sibling argument that breaks out during a public gala and they forget they have an audience to the point where Damian starts spitting his ‘i am the blood son of Bruce Wayne you have nothing on me you imbeciles’ and without thinking Jason responds with ‘yeah you’re the son of Brucie Wayne all right but you forget I’m the son of fucking BATMAN and i have been since before you were even fucking PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE’

Damian: I AM THE BLOOD CHILD OF BRUCE WAYNE YOU PATHETIC CREATURE

Jason, fully about to fist fight his little brother in front of these shrimp platters: AND I’M THE SON OF BATMAN, WHILE YOU WERE TAUGHT HOW TO SIP CHAMPAGNE AND FALL INTO FOUNTAINS I WAS TAUGHT HOW TO THROW HANDS NOW FUCKING SQUARE UP CHILD

Dick, eyeing the now silent ballroom: uh, guys-

Tim, vibrating with excitement at the prospect of watching Damian get a ceramic plate to the face: don’t you fucking dare stop them

lacking context, Gotham is now under the impression that Jason Todd was not, in fact, a random street kid taken under Bruce’s wing, and is rather the biological son of Batman, who for some reason got his good friend Bruce Wayne to become the kid’s guardian, presumably to protect him from the life of crime he is leading. it also fuels the ‘Bruce Wayne is dating Batman’ rumours an almost impossible amount.

Another unforeseen consequence is that since it is common knowledge that the batkid vigilantes are most likely Batman’s children too, civilian Jason Todd is now considered to be the adopted brother of Tim, Damian, and Dick, and the biological brother of Nightwing, Red Hood, Red Robin, and Robin.

Jason is asked who his favourite sibling is.

‘ok they all suck apart from Hood. he’s such a nice man. used to take me ice skating.’

the family hate him.

[bansheebender]

Bruce dropped out of medical school and as much as he tries to hide it, his kids all find out. Ofcourse they never let him live it down after that

Emo 21-year-old Bruce: You're not my father, Alfred!

Alfred: Quite right. I have a medical degree, and you don't.

Bruce:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dick: Hey I'm dropping out of Gotham University

Bruce: What? You're quitting college halfway?! Unacceptable, you cannot just give up on your engineering degree-

Dick: I did not just hear the failed doctor say that

Bruce:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce, fuming: You left my side tonight to go and gallivant around with harley quinn? A villain?

Steph: So what if she's a villain, Bruce? Atleast the villain has a doctorate.

Bruce:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce, bandaging Duke's wound because Alfred was busy: There, all done

Duke: Woah, didn't expect that from a college dropout

Bruce:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce: Stop ignoring my orders in the field! You need to listen, I have more experience-

Jason, as red hood, with his PhD in English: Which one of us actually has a Dr in front of their name?

Bruce:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tim: So I'm dropping out of high school

Bruce: You too?! First Dick and now you?!

Tim: No, first it was you, then Dick, and now me

Bruce:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce: Damian, your recent report card indicates you're falling behind in Biology

Damian: Tt. Must run in the family, then.

Bruce: