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Maya C. Popa, from Wound is the Origin of Wonder: Poems: “Wound is the origin of wonder”

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bitch this is all you’re gonna get. this life, this face, this body. you better not ‘maybe in another universe’ your way out of everything. sit your ass down and face this. go make tea and have a picnic and read a goddamn book. kiss your loved ones, send that damn text, and hug your siblings. this is all you’re gonna get.

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Joy Sullivan, from Instructions for Traveling West: Poems; “Instructions for Traveling West”

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:(

“Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about.”

— Winston Churchill

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“Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.”

— Josephine Hart, Damage

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Nobody knows how much I suffered this year. I've seen the most vulnerable version of me, and I realized that it took everything in me to survive from my silent battles. I almost gave up and almost lost myself because I was hurting a lot. Nobody really knows how many times I pulled myself together just to survive this year and for that, I am so proud of myself for being here. I've seen the saddest version of me. The most wasted and devastated; but despite of that, I've learned that I am a strong person. I also learned to forgive myself for letting myself settle for less than what I truly deserved. I've learned a lot while I was hurting. Even though l've seen the worst version of me this year, I still learned to accept and appreciate myself. This may be the most painful year for me, but at least I survived and learned a lot.

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idk, sarili kong ngang kaklase o kaibigan eh di ko sinasaktan physically tapos sarili kong nanay gagawa ng something na ikakasakit ko

basta, tuwing gusto ko makipaglapit magreconnect magbuild ng maganda samahan towards sa nanay ko, hindi talaga umuubra. mas lalong lumlayo loob ko. di ko alam kung tama ba tong nararamdaman ko? okay lang ba na mafeel ko to kasi nanay ko parin sya after all pero sinasaktan nya ko sa paraang alam nya. i realy hate ranting here anything about her pero wala heto yung way ko para mailabas man lang to haha night tulog na lang ako. sila na maghugas ng pinggan. katamad pumunta 7/11 wala rin naman ako pera so itutulog ko na lang.

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May Sarton, The House by the Sea

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“Close some doors today. Not because of pride, incapacity, or arrogance, but simply because they lead you nowhere.”

— Paulo Coelho

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dalawang lamay ang naranasan ko kagabi

yung una, literal na lamay. tinuturing siyang Lolo, my friend's grandpa, lalo na ng mga kabataan dito sa lugar namin. syempre, nagkaroon din ng malaking parte sa childhood ko si Lolo kasi ang sipag niya mag ikot dito dahil ang hanap buhay nya talaga is pagbabakal-bote kaya nung bata pa ako eh lagi ko sakanya binibigay at binebenta yung mga iniipon kong mga bote.

dito naman hindi ako nakaramdam ng mabigat kasi so far wala namang naiwang masamang alaala si Lolo kaya naging panatag na lang ako habang tinitingnan ko sya kagabi sa huling araw ng lamay

pahinga ka na po, salamat po.

yung pangalawa ang mabigat. kagabi lang ulit kami nagkita ng isang kong highschool friend na babae and hindi ko inaasahan na magiging awkward yung pakikitungo nya sakin. nung pagdating nya kahapon nag-hi ako, inimbita ko sya umupo. kaso ibang tao yung hinahanap nya. nga pala, etong kaibigan ko eh ay malapit talaga sakin nung highschool pa kaya nagtaka na lang ako bigla na naging ganon sya sakin.

panong di ako magtataka eh nagiging curious yung iba naming kaibiigan, kinakantsawan ako, "f.o. na ba kayo?"

minsan gusto ko sya tanungin about don kaso nararamdaman ko kasing nagseset na rin naman na sya ng boundary. mature enough na ko kaya naiintindihan ko naman yun. at saka sa mga naranasanan ko ngayong taon? umabot na ko sa point na kapag ayaw na talaga nung tao sign na yun na hindi ko na kailangan humingi ng explanation galing sakanila. i just read the room, ganon lang.

idk, another grieve na naman sa pagkakaibigan na nawalan ng spark hahaha akala ko goods lahat eh, iniisip ko lang na "ah busy lang talaga kami kaya bihira na magkita" / "may kanya kanya na kasing buhay" anyway, if ever na dumating yung araw na magsabi sya, then tatanggapin ko parin naman sya nang buong buo, basta nakaset na ngayon sa utak ko na it's okay if kahit di n amasagot yung mga katanungan na ilang buwan nang bumabagabag sa isip ko.

hays yun lang muna, adios.

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damn

Stephanie Foo, What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma

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Don't ever let someone make you feel guilty because they are suffering the consequences of their own actions.