bae-yacht-trees

[bae-yacht-trees]

Outcasted

Seeing photos on my timeline, realizing that I’m outcasted is so excruciating. Especially when its from your relative. Like you know that feeling that yes, they understand you, you are in the right, you are wronged by their sister, and yet, they told you that you should be the bigger person even though she’s the older one. I mean, I guess, maturity is never in the age. But then, like they keep telling they’re on your side but never actually stood up for you? You know how that feels? I kept telling myself to just let them be. But sometimes, I cant help myself but feel getting hurt.

I guess they are just the adult bullies on the real world. Like I mean yes you get bullied at school but at least they get consequences. But in this world, they don’t. They just get away with it because of money and for the “peace of mind”. I’m very aware that they are not good for myself, mentally and emotionally, but I grew up with them. It’s so hard to detach and also knowing that they were my close relative before.

I wonder what I did to deserve this. I fought for what I thought was right, but why I ended being the outcast. I don’t wish that the same thing would happened to them but it’s just that, why don’t they teach her a lesson so she would learn and understand then she’d stop being a manipulative narcissistic bitch. Is it that hard?? Because of toleration, that’s what they get. Ugh.

The life I don’t deserve.

[bae-yacht-trees]

what is my real purpose in life?

I’ve been working for 9 months in my first job, and one day I took a break to cleanse my mental state, then I realized, Do I live just to work? I work so that I could survive? When will I experience stuffs? My salary is X, my expenses is also X? like how?

After that, I’ve been thinking of my future lately. The life I want. I want to live an adventurous life but then money hinders me from doing so. As I try to think about, If i spend what I earn for travels, I’d have no savings but at least I’ll have a life. Then that would mean if I live alone. 

Hmmmmm. So I guess I’d just have to look for another job that would suffice the lifestyle I want.  -- so this post is all about how the beauty of the brain works. 

[bae-yacht-trees]

Tomorrow is mother’s day, I’m home alone and I don’t feel like going out either.

(via bae-yacht-trees)

a year later, Im stuck in the same situation. May 14, 2023. Mother’s day. The day where I don’t feel anything at all. 

[bae-yacht-trees]

Life lately,

So depressing.

[bae-yacht-trees]

Tomorrow is mother's day, I'm home alone and I don't feel like going out either.

[bae-yacht-trees]

Turning 23

Let’s just say my born day this 2022 is not such a good day, It’s a day when all establishments closed down because of the holy week. It’s the firs time of me celebrating having someone in my life and I couldn’t get to spend it properly. I know I sound like egocentric or whatsoever, but it’s just that I just want special days to be special. But this year, gosh, it’s such a slap in the face. No celebrations, no special surprises, no family, no flexin on social media, nothin’. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating but that’s how it felt. I was very upset, but then I realized if I keep thinking it that way, then gosh, I am the saddest person ever. I tried to be contented with what happened that day, my father made an effort to cook, my bf, even though he didn’t get me flowers, he got me a gaming chair which I loved......... As I am typing this, I realize that this is the saddest birthday of my life. I am very upset. I guess if I want something done, I just have to do it by myself and not expect others to do it for me. Fvcking hate my life.

[bae-yacht-trees]

I guess the frustrating part of being in a relationship for the first time is if you think you deserve better or you just settle and be contented. I mean i don't have basis if this is right or wrong I just go with my gut feeling and heart strings.

[bae-yacht-trees]

when is my trial card in this relationship gonna end? I want to unsubscribe now

[bae-yacht-trees]

making healthy breakfast is soo much effort. no wonder im unhealthy

[bae-yacht-trees]

posting on tumblr makes me feel poetic and deep.

[bae-yacht-trees]

uhmm, how do I say this, I am truly, deeply, madly in love with this person right now. hehe said on yes on nov 22nd. My 2021 plot twist

What is this feeling?

I hate “love”, but not really “hate-hate” it, just I don’t really believe in it? I mean, I’ve witness a lot of failed love and that’s why I don’t expect me, to find true, genuine love. I’ve never had it, felt it, experienced it though, besides from my family and friends. 

I sometimes crave for love, but not because I want it, but because of the thought of love giving you butterflies, kisses on the forehead blablah. But now, there’s this one person who I rejected already, and writing this makes me feel cringe but I just want to let it out. He’s not my type and all but then he’s been showing me kindness and has been putting up with me with my bad sides. When he chats, I can’t help but smile, but the feeling that I still don’t like him is still there. I guess I’ve been independent for so long that I really don’t give a damn if he leaves or what. But I’m kind of curious at the same time but still I don’t want it. Gosh. I really need a therapist.

[bae-yacht-trees]

The epitome of insane

Story time, I have this relative and she’s the kind of aunt who’s manipulative, feeling righteous, hate liars but it’s okay for her to lie, goes to church but a very judgmental person, in short, she’s a walking epitome of insane. Okay, so we got fam probs and she keeps on meddling even though nobody asked for her thoughts or whatsoever and bcos of that my father (her brother) listened to the whisper of the snake (aka her) and made our issues bigger. Fast forward to present times, my family decided to be civil, and omg the audacity of this woman, idk what’s wrong with her but she’s mad at me for idk what’s her reason and i dont even plan on knowing. Like eerhhmm is u okaayy or somethin?? She has the nerves to gossip about me. IDGAF thoo. Our whole clan already knows what kind of “person” (idk if she’s one) she is. And that’s, the tea.

[bae-yacht-trees]

been out for quite a while and now i'm back. but still a same old mentally unstable bish only in a relationship now

[bae-yacht-trees]

it's funny cause the only thing that makes me happy (my dog) is ALSO the only thing I'm allergic to.

[bae-yacht-trees]

I dont think I deserve love. Don't I deserve it??

[bae-yacht-trees]

haha changed my mind. no thanks. I’m not interested at all. I’m now annoyed.

What is this feeling?

I hate “love”, but not really “hate-hate” it, just I don’t really believe in it? I mean, I’ve witness a lot of failed love and that’s why I don’t expect me, to find true, genuine love. I’ve never had it, felt it, experienced it though, besides from my family and friends. 

I sometimes crave for love, but not because I want it, but because of the thought of love giving you butterflies, kisses on the forehead blablah. But now, there’s this one person who I rejected already, and writing this makes me feel cringe but I just want to let it out. He’s not my type and all but then he’s been showing me kindness and has been putting up with me with my bad sides. When he chats, I can’t help but smile, but the feeling that I still don’t like him is still there. I guess I’ve been independent for so long that I really don’t give a damn if he leaves or what. But I’m kind of curious at the same time but still I don’t want it. Gosh. I really need a therapist.

[bae-yacht-trees]

What is this feeling?

I hate “love”, but not really “hate-hate” it, just I don’t really believe in it? I mean, I’ve witness a lot of failed love and that’s why I don’t expect me, to find true, genuine love. I’ve never had it, felt it, experienced it though, besides from my family and friends. 

I sometimes crave for love, but not because I want it, but because of the thought of love giving you butterflies, kisses on the forehead blablah. But now, there’s this one person who I rejected already, and writing this makes me feel cringe but I just want to let it out. He’s not my type and all but then he’s been showing me kindness and has been putting up with me with my bad sides. When he chats, I can’t help but smile, but the feeling that I still don’t like him is still there. I guess I’ve been independent for so long that I really don’t give a damn if he leaves or what. But I’m kind of curious at the same time but still I don’t want it. Gosh. I really need a therapist.