azazelhinders

[azazelhinders]

Manson Abuse Claims

I am absolutely livid as I am typing this, and completely disgusted at the reactions of other human beings; or lack thereof. The apathy and lack of understanding to survivors of abuse appalls me. (possible trigger warning)

Recently I was reading victim statements about the abuse they underwent while dating Marilyn Manson. The details described are horrendous, along with messages shared from Manson himself, to them. They all shared details that are similar yet not exact, which is a marker of truthfulness in witness statements. On top of previously recorded statements made by Manson stating he wanted to “bash her head in with a meat hammer” after one girl had broken up with him, I find these accusations to be very credible.

Here is where I will disclose my bias. Not only can I sympathize with these women, but I do know what some of this abuse is like. I know what it’s like to fall head-over-heels for a guy who says and does all the right things at the right times but then suddenly turns into a monster. 

I know how hard it is to leave or to speak out when you feel so worn down that you believe him when he says everything is your fault. I understand the gaslighting, the broken feeling that sits in your chest every day, the fear that plagues you at every waking moment. 

I know what it is to have your voice stolen from you, when you no longer even bother fighting back or saying ‘no’ because your choice doesn’t matter anymore and it’s worse for you if you try.

The PTSD, anxiety, depression, unending rage and sadness that live within you. 

And most of all I know the fear, the fear of wondering if you’ll even be alive the next day, of attempting to tell your family and friends, wondering if they’ll believe you because he has all of them fooled too. The fear of backlash, not only from your abuser but from the very people there to protect you. 

The questioning, “do I even bother going to the police? Will anything be done? Will they take his word or mine? Can I even give them enough proof to do anything about it?” 

All too frequently I have seen the answers to those questions. 

When the police came to my house as a child and listened to my mother tell them all the horrible things my step father had just done, and then spoke to him and decided he was telling the truth. They labeled my mother as “hysteric”, and no this wasn’t back in the 1880s, this was in the 2000s.

A woman who was fearing for herself, but also for the well-being of her child, was labeled as hysteric by law enforcement and her husband who had just thrown her on the floor and beat her child was allowed to remain in the household with no consequence. No charges were pressed, no official statement was taken. 

This was the first time I had witnessed the only people I was sure would protect us side with the abuser instead of the victim, and unfortunately it will never be the last.

Now that story may seem irrelevant considering none of the women in this case had gone to the authorities, but I would argue that is why it is relevant.

As a woman in this society we get to see things from a different perspective than men. We get to see how hard work doesn’t always guarantee that promotion at work, how an impressive education and resume won’t mean you get the job in a male dominated field, and how men are more likely to accept the words of other men than they are women.

I am not saying that these things I mentioned above do not go both ways because they most certainly do, but I feel it is important to point out these things to people who are maybe not aware of such things.

Being a woman, in a male centered society, can lead to distrust. And by this I mean, distrust in the ability of authority to keep one safe. Distrust in other human beings to do the right thing. Distrust in others to do their job and look into claims of abuse more closely, instead of just picking a side that makes things easier on you.

Now, let’s imagine for a moment that you are a victim of abuse, that your abuser has funds for the best lawyers, and to pay any amount of bail. To top it all off, this abuser has repeatedly threatened your life, not only by his hands, but also by the hands of a well known gang, with whom he is affiliated.

At this point I would think any rational person would be fearing for their life, not only because of being worried about not being believed, but also because this abuser has already proven to be cruel. To you these threats are not just threats, they are a future you can see clearly.

Would you want to disclose any negative information on this man to people who you don’t think will believe you? Who would go to this man and tell them your name and what you said about him?

Because I wouldn’t.

And this is what leads us to the main issue.

Being scared to come forward, finally dealing with some of the mental trauma left behind, getting over that fear and coming out to the public to try to get someone else to share their story. Because maybe all of you together will be able to stop this man from hurting someone else the way he hurt you.

Accomplishing all of this only to have speculation thrown at you, to be called names like liar, bitch, whore. To be accused of trying to scheme and get money when really all you want is to try and stop this person from ruining more lives.

You spend years being broken over things like this, years just trying to piece yourself back together, only you can never find all the parts because this person steals little pieces of you every time they hurt you.

It takes courage to publicly speak about the horrors you have gone through, it takes great strength, and anyone who says otherwise has had the privilege of not having to do such things. I am not one of those privileged few, and I am not one of the courageous ones, willing to bear my traumas to the world. 

And that is because I do not want more burden laid upon my shoulders. A burden of having people I have never met nor spoken to calling me a liar, asking me why I didn’t say anything to anyone, not being able to understand the pain I have been carrying around with me everyday.

That is a strength I do not yet know and one I wish to have.

For those who are still reading, thank you for taking the time to go through this long post. I don’t wish to spread more hate, I simply wish to shed light on some issues that may not be frequently thought about. 

I am very aware of the laws we have set in place in this country and that everyone is innocent until proven guilty, I just ask that the same courtesy is shared to the accuser as well as the accusee.

We should not condemn the alleged abuse victims to being a liar simply because of the length of time between now and when the abuse happened, or because they came out with the information on social media. All claims of abuse should be thoroughly investigated and taken seriously.