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Kittilä, Finland by Emmanuel VRIGNAUD

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this is small on the list of problems in my life and my husband has been taking care of me for 2 weeks, a bit longer actually when you look at my limitations before surgery. Buuuut….

He doesn’t exactly have a servants heart lately, lol. We keep running into this issue with the grocery store. The second something brought up to get at the store, he immediately runs there and just says “add anything else to the list.” Well the grocery stores is across the street, so that gives me about three minutes, doesn’t matter if I’m in the middle of some thing. Yesterday I sent a text saying we probably need to go to the store some soup time soon because we needed cereal, milk, and yogurt. As I sent that text, I assumed we would get an opportunity to talk to you about it, especially because I was on the phone with Apple support. So, even though I’m on the phone with him, he runs and is trying to talk to me in the middle of it, this is a very involved Apple support call where I’m having to do things as they instruct me, and they have control my devices (The only reason I was able to send the previous message was because I was on hold briefly.) but by the time he burst into the room, I was off hold and said I couldn’t get onto Alexa to add anything to the list. But I told him I wanted ice cream and I had sent a text with only 3 items, so I was surprised that he forgot 2 of those things. The uncool part is he was pushing me to go to the store to get the ice cream myself, and I explained to him that I had taken pain medication and I’m not supposed to drive on that. He was halfway joking, but obviously not really joking. I almost started to go just to see if he would stop me, but we know he wouldn’t have.

when we just now realized that there’s no yogurt, he stormed off. I told him he didn’t have to go, and that actually I would prefer him to not go and not be angry at me (he raised his voice and had a bad attitude and told me he didn’t appreciate that I explained why I hadn’t put the items on Alexa after he had asked me why I hadn’t put the items on Alexa. I refuse to accept this bullshit that he’s not upset). When he didn’t appreciate was that he forgot, but he always takes that kind of thing out on me bc sometimes he just wants be angry and be a victim so he can have a bad attitude. I gave him an out, clearly he wanted to be mad, and I’m not playing along this time.

The shitty part is I really want to ask for a ride Home Depot for plant stuff, and that something where I really should take him bc it will require lifting heavy items. But I’m not asking him for another favor today. It’ll probably be a 15 minute ordeal all told bc I plan to order ahead. By the way, the grocery store thing is about 15 minutes all told as well. and I am completely sure that I know we need more stuff too but he gave me no opportunity to add anything.

Whatever he’s just being a baby. Shocking. Honestly I’m surprised it’s taken him this long to be a little bitch about having to put someone else first. Yes thats mean and I don’t care. I have nowhere else to say it.

imagine if they had to bear children.

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Stepped outside for the first time in 12 days. Life has been weird! But the surgery was a success and the awful pain is gone. Just still recovering in general. Fighting work about returning, which is beyond disappointing. Unfortunately people have a way of showing their true colors in these situations 🙄 Clients have all been lovely and supportive, they’re the ones who matter. I feel very lucky regarding the people I see right now. I miss them a bit! I come across people in the field who say they never think about clients outside of sessions. I find that so wild, how is that even possible?! It’s like the show Severance (amazing show), while it’s important to have work/life separation, I can’t imagine just forgetting my people when they walk out of the office. And I’m not talking about sitting and fretting about them, I just am often struck by funny things they say, wisdom I can apply to my own life, or a touched by their resilience. I really do love the job. It’s just what I was meant to do. Well in the meantime I’ve gotten really into plants. 🪴

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Came home from surgery a couple of hours ago! So bizarre! I imagine I’m going to be pretty miserable tomorrow and the next day in particular and it will take a long time to return to normal but for right now I’m feeling ok.

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Valtavara, Finland by Andrey Bazanov

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right after I wrote this she called. She’s great. And I’m going to be sharing my inventory** next week.

** in 12 step programs , an inventory is when you catalog all of your resentment and fears, writing out your part in everything too (😧) . then you share it with your sponsor). So it was a lot of writing on all the bad stuff that happened to you and the ways you were you were shitty to the people you resent. Anyway it’s a lot. But it’s good to get out I think.

Not sure why I felt the need to write that in footnote form but obey that’s what I was moved to do.

She had some good advice for what the same back to my husband to. Keep it simple, I think

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Ah the lengthy text about matters far too sensitive for texting has arrived! I got ahold of my sponsor for like 30 seconds because I wanted help figuring out how to respond but she got a call and is headed to lunch, so I kind of think she might not be able to talk to me for a while.

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Silly me, if he wants a fight, we’re going to get one. And it’s all about pressuring me to have a kid. I just keep saying I don’t try to get pregnant when I don’t feel ready. I get that we don’t have all the time in the world. But I don’t want to at all right now. I really don’t think you should attempt to bring a child into this world when you only feel dread at the thought of them.

It is literally pressure when you say all the stuff about me, being too old, it’s making it worse and making me not wanna have a child with somebody who’s going to be like that. I do want this, and I just feel like I’m being dragged him as if into it when I really think that if I felt less pressure, I will get excited about it.

maybe this is him giving me the preview loud and clear of who he will be and what it will be like to have child with him. Maybe this sense of dread isn’t going away in the near future and it’s just how I feel about the whole thing. I wonder what he would do if I said I didn’t want a kid. Punish me to be sure. I think it would end the relationship ultimately. Because he would react so poorly I wouldn’t want to be with him. I don’t think for a second he’d leave bc all of the other goals he had and things he wants to I’ll be off the table and he’s not willing to let it go (money, I mean). That sounds bad but his life without me will be nothing but a struggle, to make ends meet, stay sober, find someone. It would be a dumb move. Lol I made it sound worse

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Fáskrúðsfjörður, Iceland by Jónína Guðrún Óskarsdóttir

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What is it about Friday afternoons that my husband likes to start drama?! I’m at my most tired and wanting to relax, we have a regular Friday night friend gathering and I hate going to it in the midst of a fight bc I feel like people can tell and it’s hard to enjoy myself. And there’s days stretching ahead for him to act cold and snotty during.

But somehow a full fight was avoided. I guess bc there was nothing to fight about? As context, I’m getting this back surgery now because I intend to get pregnant this year. The pain of pregnancy with a herniated disc would probably kill me especially bc I wouldn’t be able to take medications to help. But we would have been pursuing injections instead at this point and trying to correct it with PT. But the doc said I should definitely do the surgery ASAP if that’s my goal, and so we scheduled it.

so imagine how perplexed and irritated I was when he started pouting and whining about this surgery delaying pregnancy. Like wtf do you mean and do you realize how terrible that sounds to be mad at me for being cursed with a disabling injury that requires major surgery? Also the thrust of his bitching was “ I can’t help but think that you would be delaying pregnancy even if you weren’t getting surgery” ???? I can’t tell you how much I despise him being angry about my hypothetical actions about events that never happened that he’s imagined in his little bad faith brain.

I just pleaded with him for support. Fights make my bad an absolute mess and I’m already so stressed out about this surgery. Talk about evidence to support my belief that he’s still too immature and insensitive to have a kid with now. I think he realized this after ranting at me for a while bc he dropped it.

not before I started crying and started to explain that I don’t know how to want it more. I don’t know how to feel less scared and more ready. The big secret that I didn’t get to is I want a child less and less every day and I don’t know what to do about that. I feel like I shouldn’t have a kid feeling this way. And every tantrum he has just pushes me away further.

No idea what I’m going to do about it

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Things are going well with us now which I’m grateful for. Maybe the couples counseling and sponsorship is working. As far as addressing awful things from the past, I feel that nothing is gained by trying to litigate every horrid instance of harm that occurred when he was using. All it does is retraumatize me and drive us farther apart. He also doesn’t even remember much of anything anyway! For the longest time I felt like I was denying myself this resolution or that it was being invalidated by not getting apologies for each fight or drug use over the course of the relapse, but now that it’s my decision I feel at peace about it. I think we need to focus on the future and solutions. This trickles down to everyday fights, I am letting go of injustices that I feel about tone or wording in the pursuit of trying to come to an understanding about what we can do different going forward. I also resist the urge to settle things right away or get him to admit when he’s mad. My sponsor told me that in similar instances in her life, she pray for the peace to hold her tongue and listen because sometimes her husband is not able to verbalize things right away, so she needs to give the space required for him to sort out what he’s thinking and feeling. And sometimes the issue resolves itself, in that quiet . Not sure if that even makes sense, but has certainly helped things and I feel good about it going forward.

But right now I’m feeling for him bc he’s really hurt about feeling left out of family stuff. We spent Xmas with my mom his uncle and sister were with his sisters in-laws. I knew he’d feel left out and he was a trooper about it but that is finally wearing thin for him. His family is compassionate but they need to be clearly told what his needs are to support him. He does this thing where he assumes they will know what he needs but they just aren’t perceptive like that. They don’t go out of their way to make sure he feels included. For example, We didn’t make a plan for opening presents between us, he was hoping we’d take our presents with us and open them together on Zoom Christmas Day. They ended up saying they were too busy to do that on Christmas Day, which I should’ve predicted because I could’ve seen that from a mile away. So after that was settled and a date to open presents was picked he had a second round of hurt feelings learning that his uncle, sister, and BIL opened presents between each other already because they were together on the holiday.

I have to be careful not to give an alternative perspective or future solution too quickly bc I’ve learned he feels invalidated by that. Sometimes he just needs to feel sad about it and I get that. I try to do this without “validating the invalid” as we say in DBT. By that I mean that I can’t agree with what he says that his family doesn’t care about him. But I can’t tell him that I totally see why he feels that way and now I’m sorry he sad. Sometimes it’s hard for me not to revise cognitions right away, it seems immature to say things like that, but when I hear those extreme statements I know that it is his “child self” whose hurting. Children usually are not moved by a rational logical explanation in those situations. And I don’t mean to sound the meaning when I say that, we all have these intense feelings and irrational beliefs when we come from broken families.

anyway happy fucking Christmas! Lol, but actually

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uhhh

I have to have spinal surgery. At times I briefly referenced surgery as a possibility in my future when talking to people about my back pain. I was totally bullshitting and just saying it in hopes of people taking me seriously. I never thought it would happen to me.

Fuck!

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by alexkittoephotos

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trying to reinvest in the program because I’m tired of feeling like a fraud and I’m not doing amazing mentally. I just lose it with conflict in my marriage. The times in between are great but when a season of fighting is going down .

we are approaching a school break for him, which is a dangerous time for me. I walk through the door after work and he’s pissed at himself for not using his vacation constructively so he laser focuses on me. All he wants to do is talk about all of the things he feels he’s not getting in a timely enough fashion (like mortgage free home or child he won’t carry). Or he wants to litigate all the injustices in our marriage that I’ve already said “yes you have astute (and extremely repetitive and generally overblown) observations of me and your feelings are valid and you’re so right and can we get get along now instead of listening to you rant about how damaging to our relationship it was when I delayed our first couples counseling session by 10 days 2 and a half years ago because I was going through something and following therapist recommendations 🙄) “ wishi I was kidding about that resentment about couples counseling! He’s periodically an infant. Fucking straight white man problems, am I right?

anyway I’m not being charitable bc he’s been such a shit and made me cry the entire trip home for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. After I paid a small fortune and sacrificed thanksgiving with my recently widowed mother.

anyway uber is home, more on my lot in life later!