awkwardvoicecrack - Tumblr blog

[awkwardvoicecrack]

Dear Me in the Past,

I know you won't understand this now but one day you will. I want you to listen very carefully and please, don't stop reading until the end. PLease try to not get sidetracked and please take these words as more of... a warning than anaything.

You are not worthless, useless or dumb. You're in a very bad situation with bad people and they just want to tear you down so you don't leave. It took me seven years to finally leave and when I did, all the fears I had of what was going to happen didn't even happen. It was okay, it was fine and most importantly... I was safe. You can be safe too but it takes the first step. I know you're unhappy and you deserve so much more. Take it from me, staying will only deteriorate you and you will miss so many oppurtunitues for success by staying.

I know, he's handsome and he's charming but please walk away. Your first love doesn't need to be the last love you ever feel again. I know, he said he can make you feel alive. He never will, it's a trap. He may show you cool things and you may experience some adventures but at the end of each day, he will leave you feeling emptier and emptier until you become a shell of your former self causing you to quit on your dreams and even worse, life.

Please, if not for yourself, do it for your future child and husband. Your husbands name will be Vaun and you already know him. You just haven't officially talked to him yet. At the moment, he is growing too. You'll meet him at the most perfect time but it can better if you walk away from where you are now. I wish I would have known so when I met Vaun, I could be someone he's proud to show off. He'll never say it but he wishes I would've done something with my life. I do too.

Your sons name is Faelan and he is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid my eyes on. He's extremely intelligent and so very loving, but he loves his daddy more. You can't wait to have a family, I know. And it happens, but you should prepare first. Get an education, make some money, and at the end of 2018, you need to reconnect with your old school buddy Jake and move up North and let your life begin better than before.

Well, nothing has seemed to change yet. So perhaps this didn't reach you in time. Or maybe thi isn't how it works. But what if it was? Wouldn't it have been great to see where you would've been three years later? Yea, it would have been. Nice try old self... Better luck this year...

Sincerely,

one desperate girl just trying to be better

[awkwardvoicecrack]

My 2021 bucketlist:

Get a house

Get my GED

Start schooling to become something actually productive, practical and usefel to society

Pretend like I don't emotionally lose control and push through it because if you don't then it's going to be December and you still wouldn't have accomplished anything

stop telling internet strangers what is wrong with you and just fix the problems

stop creating more problems

figure out why my chest hurts

assume chest pain is a heart attack and hope the end happens quickly so you don't have to risk failing this years bucket list

stop procrastinating

how much do dogs cost?

don't buy a dog

ESAs don't have to be dogs

don't get a cat either

what about a bird?

birds are messy. and so are reptiles and amphibians

cactuses aren't messy

remember last year when you killed a succulent? How tf do you kill a succulent?

new task: focus on yourself, don't get a cactus

[awkwardvoicecrack]

I guess I should start this out with something good. But what if there's nothing good to tell? What if all these memories I have are only good to me and if I were to tell others, then I would come to the realization that none of my memories are actually good? Who needs that? I guess I do if I'm putting my personal thoughts and deep emotions online for everyone to see. I would keep a personal journal but parts of my childhood have ruined that for me and somehow I feel safer just opening up here??? If anyone has a psychological explanation of that, I'm all ears. Or I guess, eyes. Maybe I should get therapy, or maybe this is fine. Not sure what's healthy in a world where people are offended by a plastic toy and literature. Especially not sure if it's healthy to write to these people for validation but life is messy and everyting is an uphill climb for some reason. Well, whatever the reason is that brought me here and brought you here, I hope these thoughts make others feel less alone with their own insecurities or problems. We all need a safe space and I guess I have chosen mine.