awkward-lilac - Tumblr blog

[awkward-lilac]

and can we talk about how frustrating it is to be a friend of someone going through a bad time in a bad place, and they invite you to the bad place during the bad time? with no intent of accepting help, just wanting you to be there. it sounds horrible but fuck man. there's only so many times i can do that before it starts to feel like they'd rather drag me down with them then do anything to improve their situation for themselves.

[awkward-lilac]

it's very interesting to be the 'go-getter' 'self-sufficient' person in a friend group where nobody else is really like that because... the group will absolutely forget that you're still a person with complex fears & feelings & shit of your own.

[awkward-lilac]

“I have never been in despair about the world. I am enraged by it. I can't afford despair. You can't tell the children there's no hope.” - Baldwin

[awkward-lilac]

i'm starting to feel the 'stop, you're losing me' towards taylor with how greedy the promo stuff already feels for tortured poet's. like idk man. it would be so easy for her to just wear an artists for ceasefire pin at the absolute least & commit to high quality merch instead of high quantity but... she's not doing it.

if people can adore and romanticize certain eras of iffy white men's discographies i can adore and romanticize taylor swift's reputation era.

[awkward-lilac]

if people can adore and romanticize certain eras of iffy white men's discographies i can adore and romanticize taylor swift's reputation era.

[awkward-lilac]

Got my shifts canceled by my manager and a cryptic non reassuring answer from my assistant manager all in the span of the last hour. Would love it if i could get a real answer on what i did wrong just so i know and can at least fix it for whatever my next job is gonna be.

[awkward-lilac]

How does one get over a fear of medical treatments that involve putting anything inside the body? I don’t care what kind of tool it is or where it’s going the very idea of an iv or a pap smear has given me panic attacks. Severe panic attacks. Like the fear of idk i guess that violation of my body most definitely outweighs any benefits it could have in my mind and i will avoid at basically any cost. I’m less scared of a bullet than a colonoscopy. Nobody else’s hands are anywhere near my insides if i get shot.

[awkward-lilac]

You know when you get the dread-y feeling that something is Wrong but you AND your anxiety do not know what it is?

[awkward-lilac]

I’ve struggled with trying to explain the physical feeling of my depression/anxiety since forever, as one does, but I’ve thought of something that sounds right-ish tonight. One time a few years ago i took a scuba diving class with my dad because a family friend had gifted us a session. We did all the proper training and procedures and went down to the bottom of this super deep swimming pool at the school and i could not handle it.

It was just this immense pressure all around me and my only connection to anything other than that pressure was a scuba mask providing me with oxygen. And that is exactly what my mental health struggles can physically feel like on the worst of days. I don’t often struggle with actually wanting to get out of bed in the mornings- I’m very sensitive to my own physical state and comfort and have to brush my teeth & at least take a rinse shower every day, not doing this is not an option- but on bad days i wake up and i am feeling the pressure of being however many tens of feet underwater with a tiny bit of oxygen coming in that i have to constantly think about or else I’ll stop being able to breathe.

And then i have to move around under that pressure: brush my teeth and shower and get dressed and swallow and blink and breathe. And that’s all before whatever has to get done that day is considered at all. The pressure makes it hard to remember to eat because it’s more distracting than hunger. The pressure makes it easy to forget things because i have to consciously tell myself to swallow and blink and breathe and i promise i was listening i just missed that part I’m sorry.

And the only thing that feels like surfacing is distracting myself enough with something that can overpower that physical feeling. I find it odd that because i didn’t learn to do this by self harming i get treated like i’m over exaggerating, or like my pain isn’t enough. I found it in cranking my music volume up to high on a noise cancellation headset and playing a first person shooter game with a fantastical premise and bright colors. I’m sorry that’s not quite what you were expecting, but I’ve been told that my self-awareness and self-sufficiency are strengths so I’m confused why you’re angry.

Anyway, all this to say: I’m having to manually remind myself to breathe, because if i don’t I’ll hyperventilate and die of asphyxiation at the bottom of a pool. So I’m sorry that it’s exhausting me to go to work, I’ll try to hide it better. I have to manually remind myself to blink because if i don’t I’ll close my eyes and keep them shut til the pressure goes away on its own, which it’s not going to do. So I’m sorry that it’s exhausting me to feed myself and my cat, I’ll try to hide it better. I have to manually remind myself to swallow because if i don’t I’ll try to breathe and I’ll choke and that’ll certainly not help with oxygen intake at the bottom of a giant swimming pool. I’m sorry I’m exhausted by everything, i know it makes you uncomfortable, I’ll try to hide it better.

[awkward-lilac]

I think there’s something to be said for not being special or important or notable. Some part of me longs to be a little local shop owner or librarian or something who’s just… there. The world ebbs and flows and tears itself apart and smashes back together again and still there’s little shops and local libraries.

[awkward-lilac]

Hey why’s the miserable gotta outweigh the magical so much of the time? Like don’t get me wrong there’s magical, but goddamn.

[awkward-lilac]

I think I’m just scared that I’m making all the wrong choices again & i won’t know until the guillotiné drops

[awkward-lilac]

I feel bad. Like sad? But anxiety & fear sad if that makes sense. I’m not a fan.

[awkward-lilac]

I’m on my period and i want death

[awkward-lilac]

whys king kong………..so fucking large

[awkward-lilac]

Anybody else majorly feeling like life’s gonna end before you do anything? And i get that that’s super 19 year old of me, but the more shit happens and the more shit that needs to happen DOESNT happen, the more it feels like it’s pointless to do anything that is for an experience 4+ years from now, y’know?

[awkward-lilac]

On a less depressing note than what i mostly post here: an update!

I did indeed write a letter to my future self in 2025, we’ll see how that turns out.