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awindowintothisworld · 6 years ago

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May 9th, 2019 - Thursday

Hello again.

I know I left off in a weird spot, and I don’t think I’ll be revisiting it just because I’ve got something that I really need to get off my chest really quick before I go into future plans. Now, I now I’ve mentioned Alaina and how we don’t exactly get along. She messaged me the other night that really rubbed me the wrong way, and for good reason.

Alaina has had a marathon planned for CF fundraiser. It’s suppose to be held on the 18th and we were all suppose to sign up for it. I completely forgot, despite all the reminders, and I didn’t sign up. Due to that, I was also scheduled to work that night so I couldn’t do anything at that point. (I would have asked to switched, but I’d have a better chance of winning the lottery then have someone switch me a Saturday night.) She sent me a personal message saying that I needed to sign up asap, but I told her I was scheduled to work that night. And then she sends me this:

“ I want you to know that it really has upset me lately how little you come around. You live in Kaysville and I NEVER see you. Your niece has been hospitalized 5 times and you didn't come by once or even ask how she was. She's a year old and you've met her MAYBE three times. I feel like your family is really low on your priority list. I love you and we all want to know you're still alive. Its ok that you can't come but at least try next time.”

My heart sank, because I know that. I know I don’t come around very often, but the reason for that is because I work nights and my days are completely switched. I don’t think someone wants a visit at 2am, or a message. And due to my problems I’ve been having with my health, (because of exhaustion due to me trying desperately to stay up during the day,) I’ve chosen to just be a fly on the wall and read the family group message to keep updated. I’ve tried to keep up everyone and try to see if they’re alright, and come to family functions, but I’ve ended up making myself sick! My response was:

“ I'm sorry that's upset you. Please know that I do care and I'm always reading up on the family thread, but please understand that with the hours that I work, I'm not awake when stuff is going down, so it's hard for me to be more involved! I care about the family and little Della's well-being, but working three, sometimes four nights makes it difficult to be more involved. I'm not making excuses, that's just how it is.”

To which she responded:

“ I know and I understand that. Which is why I never say anything. But Braden works 70 hours a week and still makes our family a priority. He makes it to almost every family function just by planning in advance. I understand that it isn't possible for you to always make it to things or check in all the time. But you literally have never even asked how we were doing. And that really is hurtful especially considering that your niece is literally dying. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm mostly upset because I gave all of you literally months in advance to take time off for this huge event....”

Hun, I’d kill to only work 70 hours. I work 12 hour shifts each time I work! Not only that, there are only 3 of us that work as security guards, and one of them can only strictly work 2 days out of the week! If the other full-time guard is out of town, I’m the one that has to pick up those shifts! I’m no stranger to working 90+ hours a week at times! Yes, not getting the day off was completely my fault, and I’ll own up to that. I messed up in that regard. But she also has to understand how hard it is for me to check in all the time. It may not seem like I care or that my family is not a priority, but damn it, I do! I’m just quiet about it! I don’t have anything to report to the family since I’m literally just working and sleeping every day! I visit when I can, but that usually is not very often! She doesn’t understand how hard its been just living normally! My social life, my dating life, my family life- all of it is being effected because of how fucked up my schedule is! I’ve already mentioned in the last entry how working here has effected me physically and mentally, and why I’m having a hard time leaving! She doesn’t understand, and it makes me angry and upset. She’s so unwilling to lower her blinders and see that the world does not revolve around her. Yes, your baby has a fatal sickness, I get that 100%! But you also have to understand that I have my own life to worry about as well! I care about you and your family, Alaina. Really. As much as I do everyone else in our family. But it’s hard to keep up.

I talked to my dad and he said he’d speak with Alaina, which I don’t know if that will do anything. I was fairly emotionally compromised the day I read those messages, so they seemed a lot worse then they actually are. I cried my eyes out when I read them and ended up going to my mom’s grave to just sob for a while before needing to get to work. We’ll see what happens the next time we see each other. (Whenever that will be.)

Anyway, the rest of this week is going to be fairly chill. I have a D&D game tomorrow that I’m the DM for, and I still got to prepare for that. I have an idea what’s going to be going down, but I need to make sure everything is solid and entertaining. It’s a strange thing, being a DM, and I’m not entirely sure if I prefer it over being a player. I like being able to tell a story and create multiple characters with deep backstories, but I’m also not a huge fan of all the preparation that goes into planning a single session. Maps, characters, monsters, stats, numbers, going into every last detail for just in case everything derails- it’s a lot and I’m not sure how I’m going to steer this in the direction I want this to go. But the first session we had with my campaign, I don’t feel like, was too bad... I mean, it seemed like, for the most part, everyone was having fun... except for the part where literally half of the party was left out because they decided to stay behind and watch over the character they were helping. I’m going to need to keep that in mind for just in case the party splits again. It was really unfair for the other people.

Anyway, so I have that happening on Friday, and then me and my roommate, Erin, are going to be going to a Rein Faire on Saturday. The theme this weekend is fairies, and we recently finished some Disney fairy costumes for Salt Lake Fanx this year, so we’re totally prepared! Except Erin decided she didn’t want to get her costume dirty, so she’s going to go as an original character. She went as Fawn and I went as Zarina, and I think I’ll be pulling her out again for this faire. I’ll need to replace her skirt since it was so haphazardly put together, so maybe I’ll do that as soon as I get off work. (I’m working right now.)

We’ll be going again next weekend for their Pirate theme. I’m pretty excited! I’m itching to try some Honey Mead for my first time. I hear it’s super nasty, but I still want a mug of it just to say I tried. It’ll be a lot of fun.

Mother’s day is coming up here pretty quick and I’m not all that excited for it. My mom passed away a little over a year ago from a heart attack. It came as a complete surprise and I’m still hurting from it, and probably will be for the rest of my life. I don’t mean to sound edgy or whatever, but it’s so hard losing a parent, especially one that you were super close to. My mom was my best friend. Losing her was the hardest thing I’ll ever have to go through... Man, even just saying that is so weird. It still doesn’t seem real, that she’s not here, that I can’t just call her up and ask her how she’s doing. I miss her with all my heart... I’m going to try really hard not to get too emotional since I am still at work, and the last thing I need is for someone to walk in on me crying like an ugly baby. So I’m going to move on for now, but I’ll be sure to make a special entry for her once that day rolls around... I think it’s on the 12th this year. I’ll try to hold myself to that. I’ll be sure to share some photos as well.

Well, I need to get some preparation done for my session tomorrow, so I’ll write again soon. Later.

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awindowintothisworld · 6 years ago

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May 4th, 2019 - Saturday

I’ve never been very good with introductions, but here we go. This is going to be the start of my personal blog, where I’ll be documenting my life as kind of like a digital journal. I do have a physical one that I keep, but I’ve been having a hard time hand-writing stuff down, so I figured a digital one will be better since I can type better than I can write. As far as names and places go, I will censor for just in case something were to happen with the privacy settings. I’ll write them down somewhere so that I can remember what names I gave everyone, since I have the memory of a sad goldfish. (I’ll go back and make double-check to make sure everything is secure. This blog is not for anyone but myself.)

So where to begin? Maybe a little bit more about myself or should I just go right into what’s been going on? I suppose for the sake of posterity, I’ll go ahead and give a little bit of background about myself. My name is Alissa Mead, born to Carl and Penny Mead. I was born on February 3rd, 1993 in Utah and grew up most of my life in Kaysville, a once very small suburban town in Utah that’s grown exponentially over the years I’ve lived there. It wasn’t until about two or three years ago that we started to experience heavy traffic on main street. Though there is a lot I tend to complain about my little hometown, I have to admit that it’s a pretty neat little place to live, mostly because the architecture still has that “old-timey” vibe. I’ll post a couple of really cool old black-and-white photos I found off of google. It’s weird to see how much it’s changed since 1913, what was dated on one of the photos I’ve found. I actually only just found out too that Kaysville was settled back in 1868. That’s cool.

Anyway, I come from a fairly large family. We have 8 in total, including me and my parents. I have three sisters and two brothers, the oldest being Amber, and the rest, in order being Ryan, Ashley, Me, Quetin, and Alaina. I grew up in a little home, about 1,000 square feet, just a couple blocks away from main street. It’s a little brick home with three bedrooms and one bathroom. It sounds crazy that we managed to cram 8 people into that little box, but we did it and I feel like we all turned out okay. Most of my siblings are moved out and have families, minus me and my little brother, Quetin. Amber has married a funny and large man by the name of Jason and have five kids, four of them being twins. You have Abby and Own, (twins,) Oliver, and then Ira and Elis, (who are also twins.) They’re all very social and very hilarious kids. They’re not afraid to speak their minds and ask you endless amounts of questions. They’re quite the handful, so I commend Amber and her husband for being able to handle them on the daily. I do love them though.

Ryan is married to a cute Latina girl names Candice. We don’t see them much, and as much as I hate to say it, I don’t mind that. Ryan has always left a foul taste in everyone’s mouth, since he doesn’t exactly have the best track record with anyone in my family. He’s managed to fuck everyone over in some way or another. From maxing out every credit card my mom had ever owned, to stealing Amber’s social security and ruining her credit score badly enough that it took her years to bounce back from it, and stealing nearly $2,000 from me because I stupidly let him have access to my bank account when I willing helped him out with buying a birthday present for his little girl, Maylee, who was born from another marriage before he and his first were divorced, due to Ryan’s bad habits and compulsive lying. However, that didn’t mean his first wife wasn’t just as scummy. Actually, no. Whitney wasn’t a bad person, her mother was. But that will perhaps be another tale for another day, since it’s a rather long one. Anyway, how Ryan managed to keep from being thrown into jail will always be a mystery to me, but because of all the shit he has pulled, everyone has been very careful as to what they say and bring to family events we know he is going to. It may be surprising to a lot of people, but we’ve never excommunicated him from our family. Why? Because he’s family, regardless of what he’s done. I still call him my brother, but that doesn’t mean I trust him. At all.

Ashley is married a man named Walter, who I would say is my favorite in-law just because I get along with him the best. He’s quiet, and comes off very grumpy and a bit stuck-up since he doesn’t talk to anyone much, but that’s just because he’s shy and is still a little uncomfortable around our family. Ashley and I had a conversation about this, and we think it might be because of the strict religious values my family holds. (That I do not anymore. I’ll explain this later.) Walter grew up in a very non-LDS home, so I guess he just feels a little out-of-place with us since we behave in a way that he’s not, I guess, familiar with? Even though he’s LDS himself. It’s kind of a weird and complicated situation to explain, but I can completely understand where he’s coming from. He and I bonded over video-games and other nerdy things, which is why I think we got along so well the first time we met. He’s even invited me to some of his works games nights, where they sit around and play video games. And no, before anyone assumes anything, (you fucking nasty,) nothing fishy is going on. He loves Ashley with all his heart, and treats her like a queen. I’m just the cool in-law he likes to hang with. Plus, Ashley has always been present whenever we’d meet up. She and Walter don’t have kids, even though Ashley really wants them. Maybe we’ll see some little Steeds running around here within a few years, but who knows.

Quentin is still living at home with my dad. He’s newly “returned” as an LDS missionary and I would consider to be my very best friend out of all of my siblings. He served a service mission here at home because of his Addison’s Disease (also known as primary adrenal insufficiency and hypocortisolism, is a long-term endocrine disorder in which the adrenal glands do not produce enough steroid hormones. Symptoms generally come on slowly and may include abdominal pain, weakness, and weight loss. According to Google.) It’s also an auto-immune disorder that assaults the adrenal gland and, basically, renders your fight-or-flight reflex obsolete. We actually didn’t know he had this until just a few years ago, when he quite literally almost died because of it. It’s an extremely rare disease that his doctors were comically were so excited to diagnose, just because of how uncommon it was.

Quentin is an awkward nerdy kid who has an obsession with cars and Pokemon. He also has an ungodly talent for comedic timing. I don’t know how that kid does it, but he can make the most mundane sentence into pure comedy gold. I’m extremely jealous of it. As I said, he’s living at home with my sweet papa and working 9 to 5 job at the DI, or Deseret Industry.

Last of my siblings is Alaina, who is married to a complete sweetheart who is named Braden. They have a cute little daughter named Della who has been diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis. (Which is a respiratory disease.) Alaina is a very sweet and head-strong little lady whom I haven’t been able to get along with very well. We don’t exactly fight very often, and she has never done anything that would warrant any bad blood between us, we just don’t exactly get each other. She’s very much one way, and I’m just the exact opposite. Ashley and I have talked about this, and she feels the same way. Alaina is just very much her own person and has a very set way of how she does things, and we just can’t quite get on the same wave-length. I think Amber and Quentin have managed to get passed the barrier, but Ashley and I haven’t. Neither has Ryan.

As for me, I’m about as much of a bachelorette as they come. I’m currently living in my hometown with a roommate in her grandmother’s basement. It’s a strange situation, I know, but I’m totally for it since the rent is free and her grandma doesn’t bother us much. For the year we’ve lived there, I think I can only think of maybe one time that she did something that really upset me. (She walked in on me while I was bare-naked and trying to get ready to go out. In my bedroom. I wasn’t happy.) So I can’t complain too much!

I’ve been working for the same retirement facility for about four years now, who of them being a server when I first started out. My third and fourth being with the department I’m in now, which the official title is “night security,” but I’m more of a night time receptionist and housekeeper, so it isn’t as cool as it sounds. I quite honestly hate my job. The hours are long (12 hours each shift, and I usually work three in a row, 8 to 8,) I don’t get to see the sun much, and I get to miss out on a lot of day-time activities because I’m either too tired or I have to work that night. It’s also started to really effect my physical and mental health. I’ve noticed that my depression and anxiety has been getting worse, my body is constantly aching and in pain because I sleep too much, and I’ve started to hallucinate a little bit. It’s nothing too intense, I just see weird shapes and people out of the corner of my eye for a couple seconds and then they’re gone, but it happens pretty often. I’m hoping that something that I really want to do will come up and I can apply to that, but after working this job and knowing how miserable I am doing it, I really want to find a job that I’ll like. The problem is that I don’t really know where that would be, and if the pay will be the same. I’m currently making about $11.75 an hour where I am, and I don’t think I’d be willing to go any lower. I know for some places, that isn’t a lot, but here in Utah, we don’t have the new “standard minimum wage” which is like $12 or something . . . Personally, I think that’s outrageous because you’re not suppose to live off of minimum wage. The minimum wage is suppose to be a starting point for people who are just starting out in the work force, and work their way up to a higher pay grade, but America is America and they made a big stink about that quite a few years back. (I can’t remember exactly when, but I know that California has implemented it. What a little bitch.)

I’m mostly just living life, trying to experience new things, and making an effort to try and meet new people. Since I work nights and most of my friends are either married or are complete hermits, (like my dear roommate,) it’s been pretty hard for me to get out there and see people, as well as find someone to date. So, to combat that, I’ve sucked up my pride and lowered my standards to sign up for an online dating site called Tinder. I’ve gone on a couple of dates, and for the most part they have been pretty good. (Minus maybe the first one, because it ended up crashing and burning after the second date, but more on that later because it still upsets me when I think about it. Listen to your gut kids. You’ll thank yourself later.) I’ve been talking with a couple of people and I might go on a date with some of them, but it’s been hard because since I work nights, I’m really bad at responding to them in a more consistent way, which is a huge flaw I need to work on.

I’m sorry to cut this off in a really weird spot, but I’m just now checking the clock and I need to get to work. I’ll be sure to continue this again tomorrow! Until then, cheers!

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