awalkbesideme

[awalkbesideme]

The difference

It is 13th March 2019, and I am in the so called honeymoon phase of life. New job, new city, new girlfriend, new life everything is going great. I have come to the realization that God is at times way to benevolent to me. I have been blessed with way more than I deserve. 

I will not take it for granted. I want a glass cabin here at Mckinsey and I don’t intend to stop until then. Sure I have friends who will earn way more money than me, but doesn’t matter. This is the place I want to be. My mom is proud of me. I am proud to be working at Mckinsey. 

I met Baiju for lunch today, we went to a thai place on 51st & 3rd. How things have changed, he has become much more introvert and anti-social, but that is okay, I love him nevertheless. Talking to him made me realize and see life in a different perspective. He has dreams and plans I wish I had. He is focussed and ambitious, two things which I desperately need to imbibe. He wants to study more because he wants the knowledge not for the degree, not for the money. His thoughts are way past that, he doesn’t care about a job, he wants to do his own thing.

Everyone else out here, all we want is a bigger salary with time. He wants the knowledge. But that’s what I realized, the reason why our dreams are different and so apart are probably because of the situations. His family are very well to do. I mean I don’t even have to mention that, he can afford to think for himself. I am sure that even if he had the responsibility of his parents, he would do wonders, but at this stage in life, I want to save a couple of paychecks to buy my dad a car and he wants to study. 

He simply has never had to worry about that aspect of life. I was feeling bad that I lack the ambition he has and now I realize that our priorities are different. I want to buy that house for my parents, I want to buy the world for Lili, so many things, but alas all materialistic. He however has never had to worry about filling the pockets or settling his family, only intellectual interests and seeks nothing else.

I sound like I envy him, but no, never. He is someone I love and I am proud to have known like no other. He is an example of what I would have wanted to be like had I been rich..

[awalkbesideme]

The Change (pt 2)

So on the way to the airport, we were discussing about the 3 guys who have been laid off and I somehow managed to put on a convincing act for Rajat not to doubt me. I had no idea how the world was spinning and I was just occupied with thousands of thoughts running through my head. I have to start studying again. Prepare the resume, start applying and repeat that entire process which I stopped just a while ago. How do I tell my parents? my friends?

Ahh the thoughts..luckily we hit a bar after security and I was able to find a distraction. Never before have I seen a rugby game so closely :P

The Chicago trip was a beautiful experience and a story for another day. All the fights, laughter, sights etc was extremely fun and I took enough pictures to remember every moment of it. I remember Anmol lost his sun glasses which were $150 and we were consoling him about it in that shady bar in downtown Chicago. I spent the day eating the cheapest things available since I had my money source cut off so I just didn’t want to spend a lot. But yeah Anmol was dejected and all I wanted to tell him that its okay, I lost something even more valuable :P.

Ohh ironically, she messaged the very next day. It was some stupid conversation and especially short. I think that was the first time she asked about Lili and I replied a little coldly (again first time in my life). I was just too preoccupied to think of her at that moment. Ooo yes, tattoo! I had Nick make me a temporary tattoo of Krishna on my forearm and I had put it up on snapchat. She had messaged about that. What was funny was when she said things like tum mujhe ullu nahi bana sakte, mein tumhari nas nas se wakif hu etc. I just smiled :P She claims to have known me so well but then she never understood my thoughts or reasons or love :P. Khair, that is in the past and irrelevant now. 

But yeah it so after the Chicago trip, on the way back to Virginia, I told Rajat at the airport about what happened, and he was shocked more than me :P. It felt better. I hadn’t told Anmol and Abhishek, I still haven’t. Rajat I had to. He was very supportive and helpful. The months that followed 5th Aug, were worth it. Most definitively, I had never studied so much before. I was confident about solving sums, I interviewed with Amazon, Google, Qualtrics amongst the big ones and Amazon was onsite, Google I was fucking proud of because I solved that question and was able to say it was a nice interview. Getting rejected was a little shocking, but aaya bhi Uski marzi se, gaya bhi uski marzi se :P. 

Lili ke saath jadga huaa woh alag :P All girls are honestly the same :P Alag hi angle nikalte hai baaton ka. I swear I thought she and I were done that day, but thank God we resolved and we were back to normal. Talking to her was a relief because at the end of the day, her smile would take my mind off so many things. Especially when I was the reason for her smile. 

I haven’t told this to people. Very few know, and I don’t know how do I tell them and not get them upset over bataya kyu nahi. I mean yes Anmol and Abhishek should have been in my 1st five calls, but I was just too scared. Ashamed, scared, nervous and I did not want the sympathy. Also, they were the two people who I could call and not discuss the job scene. I could talk to them normally and I got to take a break. I had the chance to tell them later on, but I thought i rather keep it private. I plan to tell Anmol in Miami. Let’s see.

God was kind. I was one day away from securing Amazon, but 4 days before the onsite, the VP called me into the cabin and told me that a senior developer was leaving the company and he found the money to keep me on. Wow, I mean what a relief. I had no words. You fall, but He always picks you up. I am so glad He did. 

* content to be re-written *

No matter what happens God, do not let me loose sight of you. I do not wish to get way over my head for your doing. Be with me.

[awalkbesideme]

The Change

Aug 2nd 2018,

The days begins as usual, I wake up, get ready, leave for work. There is a certain buzz of excitement since I am all packed and ready for Chicago. Just a few office hours to kill. Meeting Abhishek and Anmol was just the break I needed from the drunken folk at office. It had been 1 year since I touched alcohol, but I promised them I would drink with them. Little did I know what was awaiting. 

Office is going perfectly normal, its almost 4 and in an hour’s time, Rajat and I were supposed to leave for the airport. I had already visited Chicago before so I knew the tourist practices and I had called and planned with Patel as well to meet. So everything was in order.  My manager just stops by and says if he could have a word. I was a little confused, but I thought it was something work related he wanted to discuss. I followed him into a closed room. Brian and Mel were sitting there. 

My gut told me something was wrong. “Dear Dev, due to a planning issue, we have to layoff people, and I am sorry but we have to let you go.” That was all I remember hearing before going blank. In that very moment I head God telling me, “I got you. Whatever happens is my will and it is the best for you.” That gave me confidence and calmed me down a little. I would not have survived had I not heard Him then to be honest. They assured me it was nothing personal or performance related. Lucky for me, since my H1B lottery had gotten selected, they had to keep me on until October 1st otherwise my visa would become invalid. I was on a limited time, and that to without pay. I thanked God for the lottery. I came out of the room only to find it wasn’t me alone, 3 other people had heard the same fate as well.

I had 45mins to leave for Chicago and the world below my feet just vanished. I should leave that to Hindi :P But yeah, I had no idea what was going on. Abhishek called at that very moment, and told me his flight was cancelled and a new one was going to cost $400 so he was considering cancelling.

I too became double minded. I was not going to get paid anymore and the Chicago trip would cost me atleast $200 - $300 more. On the other hand, if I backed out, I would have to tell people and I was scared to face anyone. Also, had I stayed alone at home, my over-thinking would have killed me. I decided to go ahead with the trip and not tell anyone. I would tell them after the trip otherwise it would ruin their excitment. 

I have never been more proud of my acting talents, I was pretending to smile and have a good time while choking up on the inside. Mom dad, Ishani, loans, rent, credit card was all I could think off. God however simply smiled and assured me to have faith. It was the only thing that got me through. As luck was to have it, the hottest girl in the office decided to come and talk to me on that very day. It just had to be :P 

I was looking forward to the flight where I could pretend I was asleep. Luckily I convinced Rajat to leave for the airport.

Ahh the struggle was so real. I had no idea how I was going to get through but I had faith that I would. Having Him in life is all that matters is what I realized. The rest all is temporary. As Morari Bapu says, “yeh do kodi ki duniya, mile toh bhi kya na mile toh bhi kya..Hum kyu Krishna ko yaad rakhte hai? Usne kabhi 10 rupye ka bhi money order bheja kya? par hum usko in cheezon ke liye yaad nahi karte..usko yaad karo toh uski muskurahat ke liye yaad rakho. Uske pyaar ke liye karo. Sansaar ke liye nahi” so true.

Rest of the story to follow.

[awalkbesideme]

The love laws (Pt -2)

Sorry, I really like the name so stuck with it. Ahh it has been such a roller coaster of emotions these past few months. It feels nice to get out of that nonsense phase. I hated the person I had become. I thank God for bringing Lili in my life if for nothing then pulling me out of that limbo.

Lili, Lili, Lili, what can I say. She is such a beautiful lady. I am confused more from the inside or outside. I wish all humans were like her. So kind and with such a big heart. It is impossible not to feel the love when one stares into her eyes. I kid you not. One of the few girls who made my head turn around :P. She is such a lovely person. More matured and practical than me. I am hardly ever one of the two :P 

She has changed me as a person or rather saved me from what I was becoming. She saved me from having flings, something which will help me believe that I am not a horrible man. My fondness for her has grown yes, but I am not in love with her. I wish the world for yes, but I am not in love with her. I wish she gets to play with all the puppies and kittens of the world, but I am not in love with her. I want to come home, put my head in her lap and play with hair all day long and hear her call me Calabaza, but I am not in love with her.

Aise kaise pyaar hota hai. Today when Pari told me, I blushed, yes. But no, as I told her, it is the newness that seems to be displaying in the smiles or the descriptions. Shuru shuru ke 4-6 mahine mein everything is rosy, it is when the going gets tough, is what counts. How much are you willing to do things for the other person is what counts. Date pe leke jaake do drinks aur chaar jokes koi bhi maar sakta hai, but when you can realize that you know the person better than they know themselves, when you put up with them in spite of knowing all their flaws and especially when they hurt you and you still want the world for them, tab pyaar dikhta hai. One of the things love taught me was to become selfless, I had never before put someone else before me, in love I learnt to do so, and not even learnt, I wanted to do so..To see the smile, to see the happiness on their face, it has a very different bliss and that is something you spend every day of life trying to feel.

But of course, that is an unfair way that if the couple does not see hard times, they are not in love. True that may not be the case. But I have always defined love as a sacrifice and yes I want to fall in love with Lili, I don’t know how practical it is for it to happen, but damn when I saw her eyes, that is when I knew she was worth breaking my heart for :P I know not what plans He has, but as the recent episode of white collar has taught me, no point worrying about the past or the future, enjoy the moment. Jo marzi teri..

Too filmy, but true. Pyaar ka kya hai, kisi se bhi ho jaata hai..

[awalkbesideme]

The 3rd (edited)

Waise toh bohot kuch likhna hai mujhe. Shayad so jau usse pehle, but until then..

Fahad coudn’t agree more when I said that God works in such mysterious ways. Wow. He showed me a kind of glimpse on Friday. The week was going perfect, my interview was brilliant and I felt it was in the bag. Seattle was beautiful and it was fun with Nidhi and Kedar. That day however, when I saw Beth calling, I had a gut feeling it was going to be no. I wanted it to be yes so bad, but my fears were confirmed 3mins into the call. I kind of zoned out and don’t remember what she said after that, but I was kind of crest fallen.

I looked up and all I could say was, “Please don’t let me lose sight of you.” He didn’t. I still had my walk around Washington University and took the train back to downtown to meet Nidhi. I only told Harshaneel and Ashish about my news, I was still coming to terms with it. Nidhi, Kedar and I had planned to go to a bar and lo behold it was Ocktoberfest. The beer was a good distraction. But unfortunatley, it aided the brainwashing Nidhi was doing since the previous 2 days about talking to Pari. 

I mean Nidhi was right in everything she said, how would she know the guy side of the struggle and she has always had the I have had a tougher life than you so what I am saying is correct attitude. She simply suggested to try and see if things worked because she liked Pari and “you guys are supposed to be” philosophy. I couldn’t explain to her that I had already had this argument in my head more than a million times and I had waited for 3 years and given her my all and yet she turned me down every time and that broke me for which I stopped talking to her. Nidhi wouldn’t understand that. But I should have been stronger. 

Alas, I caved. I called. It was sometime before we actually spoke but wow, it was such a nice thing to hear her voice after all these months. I had forgotten how reassuring it felt. I am sure she could hear the excitment in my voice. As the conversation progressed, so did my gut feeling again. Somewhere in the back of my head I knew she wouldn’t be single for long and when she told me she was dating I was kind of okay, nice! I mean I kind of believed it either ways so it didn’t surprise me and my heart for some reason did not crumble. I was surprised myself. Wow. It felt happy. Glad that she has someone to take care of her. 

Marvadi hai toh mujhe final bhi lag raha hai yeh waala :P Ironically, this is the same Mayank whom she told me was in tears on hearing mine and her love story. Khair, he seemed like a good guy in all the times she had mentioned him, so I am glad. Khayal rakhega. I was not very fond of the previous guy. But khair who am I to judge. Kuch toh acchi baat hogi tabhi hi pyaar kiya Pari ne usse.

I would be lying if I said it did not pinch at all. Thoda chuba. Not because I felt jealous. I am happy she is happy and I mean it. But it pinched because mein 3 mahine puchta raha and she did not care. Just made me realize I was done for her a very long time ago. She did not consider or care. Although galat kya hai usme, khud ke baare mein soch usne jo bhi socha, acchi baat hain and pyaar puch ke nahi na hota. We are human beings, and all of us want better things in life. We all seek better opportunities. She found something better, she moved on. So I cannot fault her technically, but just feel sad that I was just the 3rd guy in her life. That’s how I would go down as - one of the ex boyfriends. The one after pb maybe. Eh..She might feel that I am dramatizing stuff, but its true. You feel really small when someone show’s you how easily replaceable you are.

At that moment when we cut the call, it struck me. I felt today I have a choice, I could if I wanted, I could go back to that crushed version of me who is clearly in love with Pari and will be forever. I would wait for her. Always. But saala kya fayda hai uska, and why to go through that. I wouldn’t wish it for anyone. Its not easy to see someone you love fall in love with someone else. It shatters you. But ek baar woh thoda kuch ishara kar deti na tabhi, toh maa kasam wapas ta umar intezaar karta uska mein, but abhi nahi. Kaun wapas dil tode apna uske piche jo bhula chuke mujhe. Kaun roz din bhar plan kare ki isse waha le jaunga, usse yeh accha lagega, yeh khilaunga, she will love this etc. I saw what I had now, I had lili, one of the most beautiful souls I know and I am waiting to fall in love with her. I truly am. She is someone for whom people should write poems, songs etc. She is so cute when she is jealous of a south american celebrity :P Right now I am annoying her with Yanet Garcia :P.

It took every ounce of me to reach to this point in life where I could be in the position to see her happy with someone else. I wasn’t going to let my tears of all these years go in vain. I choose the latter option and at that moment, I felt happy, happy for her. She is in a good place, I am in a good place. Yes, it hurt, it still does sometimes, but hey I guess if I did truly love her, I should let get go..love makes you feel free not bound. True love exists and no matter how selfish we seem, true love is absolutely selfless. Sacrifice is what I define love as. 

`Yeh sach hai ki tumne hamse bohot pyaar kiya.. Yeh sach hai ki tumne hamse bohot pyaar kiya.. magar, in aankhon ko bhi bohot rulaya..

Yeh sach hai ki tumne hamse bohot pyaar kiya.. Yeh sach hai ki tumne hamse bohot pyaar kiya.. magar, sach yeh bhi hai ki pyaar humne bhi utna hi kiya..`

`wo pehli mohabbat samaj kar chodd gaye.. wo pehli mohabbat samaj kar chodd gaye.. aur hum akhiri maan kar nibha rahe the..`

This generation of lovers let their flames burn out too quick. They light temporary fires and move on to the next soul to burn.

I am a firm believer in if it’s meant to be it will be, so I am not worried. God taught me that belief the hard way. If she and were meant to be we will be. She was the only one for whom I would lay down all my walls and bridges in a flash, she will always be one of the happiest exclamation marks I could put in a sentence. Today she has become the poem that hurts the most to write, and this you can call me boasting or so but I dare her, I dare her to find someone would go through for her more than I did. Sounds very stupid and forgive me, but it was just something I felt she should have known and that is why if it is meant to be it will be...

It took me 2 days to understand how much He cares for me. He had both these things on the same day so I am not fixated on one for long. The other event just pulls me over. Thank you God. If this is your will then whom am I to question it, but just take care of her, she means a lot to me and you both..:P

If it weren’t for Him, I would probably be still sobbing over one. But God, next time, aisa you can try win-win also :P it might just work equally :P

Kidding..ghum mein teri yaad hai..

[awalkbesideme]

Tube Rafting (part -2)

15 minutes had gone by with both of them on the rock. The people waiting for them ahead luckily seemed in no hurry. 

“What could we do?” Harsh pondered. 

“It’s only this next rapid that is dangerous because after that the current is gone and I can swim to those people. But how do I get past this rapid without the tube?” Raj seemed worried. 

“Take this tube and get to those people then walk on the bank which is about 30 feet away and throw the tube to me. I’ll get as close to the bank as I can” Harsh suggested. 

“Possibly, but that could be the back up, right now I don’t want to leave you alone here. We just have to get to the next rock so we can avoid the rapid altogether.” Raj replied.

“It’s too far too jump Raj, let’s hold the tube from each side and try walking.”

“Yes, that’s the only plausible solution” Raj agreed.

They crept slowly towards the water on the other side of the rock. Raj entered the water first and held on the tube for Harsh to follow. Once they were both in position with the tube, they began the deadly walk of 10 feet in a strong current.

Raj in order to get there quickly, gave a push with his feet to the land that they were discovering with each step. 

“This seems fine, I got it, we will be fine” Raj thought. He was far from the truth.

A few more careful steps followed, occasionally hitting the foot and sometimes too deep to step into. Both were holding onto the tube not letting go.

Some more distance was covered and they just seemed to relax when they felt the effects of the current. It was growing stronger and stronger and their feet were barely holding onto the mossy floor. Raj was already swimming and Harsh was just managing. 

“I got this Harsh!” Raj shouted. “Just a little more!”. His hand was just about to reach the stone, when the current became too strong. He was swept away, and he could see his hand breeze past the stone but he couldn’t hold on. 

“Fuck!” he echoed. Raj saw the rapid approaching, he had to grab onto the rock else Harsh and he bought were going to fall in the rapid. He was not sure if they would survive the rocky fall. With one last gasp of air, he put his hand out again hoping to hold onto the rock. But it was of no use, the water was merely showing her power.  He accepted defeat. He held on tighter to the float.

The rapid was a just a few meters ahead! 

Meanwhile, Harsh was slipping through out the way and the moment he saw Raj fail, he tried grabbing on, but again no use. If he was scared, he did not show it. He stumbled and slipped towards the rock. As Raj stopped fumbling, Harsh used his feet to find ground. 

The gap reduced to 5 meters.

Suddenly, Raj stopped moving ahead. He turned around to see that Harsh had found some stone to lock his foot onto. Raj realized his proximity and lashed onto the rock once again, this time he held on. 

“Go! I am holding the tube, just get to the rock.” he bellowed. It took all of Harsh’s strength to reach the rock and then he pulled up Raj. Both were in shock. Moments away from the rapid and they survived. Heavy panting followed. They sat up and saw the might river that they had just survived. 

Raj realized his folly in underestimating the force of the current. Harsh was just simply relieved to enjoy his life back. They looked at each other, 

“If you held on to the tube, none of this would have happened Harsh.” Raj said cheekily before diving back in the calm part of the river. “Sit on the tube and meet me on that rock with the others, I’ll grab your tube.” 

Harsh simply smiled at that idiot of a friend that he made. After all, Raj had promised that it would be memorable.

[awalkbesideme]

Tube Rafting

“Let’s do this! It will be so much fun!” Raj exclaimed. Harsh on the other hand was a little apprehensive about the whole activity since he did not know to swim. Tube Rafting was a new activity for both of them and they had no idea about it. Harsh had flown in from California and Raj was taking him to a place which he would not have preferred no matter what. 

In spite of the reservations, they proceeded to the activity center. Seeing the crowd there could have put any man to shame. Growing up in India, one is never really exposed to women in bikini’s and these guys were no exceptions. Not staring was a task within itself which they barely managed to do. 

“Hey, if anyone asks, tell them you know how to swim, otherwise they won’t let us go..” Raj whispered to Harsh.

“What? No, of course, I will tell them, how can I not? I don’t want to risk it unnecessarily” 

“Trust me, we will be fine, and besides if it seems dangerous we can back out once they drop us off at the starting point. For now, just ignore the warnings.” Harsh finally gave in. They were given life jackets and dropped off at the starting point. 

“Listen! You guys have a good time and be safe! Also, the exit spot is on the right side of the river once you cross the 2nd bridge. There will someone there waiting to pick you up.” The driver said before leaving them to figure out the plan.

Luckily they were not alone, another group of 3 people knew how to go about it so Harsh and Raj followed suit. Once in the ice cold water, they jumped onto the tube and realized it was no fuss at all, they only had to lie back and let the water take them where ever they needed to go. It all seemed nice and easy. Both were laughing at their helplessness to maneuver the tube and the occasional cold water splash from the tiny rapids would make them curse. 

The ride was going all smooth, Harsh forgot the fact that he was scared of the entire ride but Raj was a little disappointed that the rapids were going so easily. He was a little too eager to test his swimming skills in the river with the current.  He soon got his chance, in one rapid, his tube was stuck and going back and forth due to the current whereas Harsh drifted off as before. 

The distance between them grew and Raj decided to pull himself out of the rapid and get back on track. He jumped into the water not knowing how deep would the river be, luckily his feet hid the bed about 5m below. He held the tube with one hand and began swimming forwards. Since the rapid was a small one, Raj seemed to overpower it and move along just fine. He finally got back on thetube after pulling himself from the current only to find Harsh was waiting for him ahead by hanging onto an extension of a tree branch, Raj finally caught up and then both proceeded as before. This time, Raj held onto Harsh’s tube.

The view they had from the river was beautiful. The mountains covered with trees and huge houses hidden amongst them. A small bridge across the river for the trains to pass through and cattle grazing on the grass on the mountain slopes. Since Raj held Harsh’s tube, he would turn him around just in time to make him miss out on the sights and could not see the rapids behind him.

It was all harmless until Raj spotted something. “Hey! there is a big rapid approaching, turn around and brace yourself Harsh” 

Harsh managed just in time to turn around and hold onto his tube when the rapid came. It was a little too late for them. The rapid was a huge 3 feet drop and it had a rocky bottom. Raj had been waiting for something like this since the beginning, but little did he know how overwhelming nature could be.

Harsh was the first to be taken in and a second later Raj followed. Both were thrown away from their floats by the impact a 3 foot drop made. Those 10 seconds seemed to be blurry for both. By the time Raj managed to resurface from the water, he saw Harsh was being drifted to the right and he was heading straight for a big rock. Harsh’s tube had gone ahead and there was no chance of stopping it, Raj, however, managed to hold onto his tube after the fall and did not let it go. The current was weakening as the rock approached and Raj managed to catch hold of the rock with one hand and using all his strength lifted and threw the tube on top of that. 

He climbed on the rock to see people already sitting there having faced a similar situation. He turned back to search for Harsh who had found two rocks on the river bed to lock his feet into and was standing his ground and he somehow still had his sunglasses on. 

“Are you okay Harsh?”

“Yes, just a bit bruised but fine..”

Raj looked around in the hope to be able to think about rescuing his friend. The group of people at that very moment departed to continue with their trip. 

Harsh was still standing in the middle of the river, the group of people had left the rock and Raj was there all by himself. 

“You have to come here, reach the rock and then we’ll plan something. But you have to come here first.” Raj shouted.

The distance was hardly 10 feet but he could understand the hesitation Harsh had, the current was still there, so if he left his spot, he could be taken away with the water and there was another current right behind the rock. If Harsh was unable to control himself in the current, the rapid might swing him hard and he could hit any of the rocks. 

Meanwhile, the group that had left the rock, had managed to find Harsh’s missing tube and had docked onto yet another rock. They shouted to Raj telling him to come for the tube when he can and that they would wait. Raj was stranded. His friend refused to budge from his spot and he had people waiting 30 feet ahead for him. 

“Dude, come on, you have to risk it, there is no other way. The current is not that strong there, you should be able to walk it. Come slowly if you must, but you have to come here.”

“Here, hold onto this when you reach here. It will be like a cushion.”  Raj said as he lowered his tube into the water.

“I can be drifted off into any direction, I cannot risk it. Find a rope or something!”

“There is nothing here, but you have to try this, it’s going to be okay. Believe me. Just pray and let go. It’s just 10 feet. Don’t worry.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” he lied.

“Okay, here goes.” Harsh let go of his footing, God heard his prayers as the current carried him gently towards the rock. Raj was waiting there with his tube for Harsh to hold onto. Harsh finally managed to get on top of the rock and heave a sigh of relief. Just moments later he realized the actual trouble was now. Raj already looked helpless and Harsh finally figured out why. 

Two people, one tube and another huge rapid. That was the last rapid they needed to cross since the water seemed calm after that point. The people were waiting beyond the rapid with Harsh’s tube, but how do they get there? If one of them went, there was no way he could come back for the other. What could they do??

[awalkbesideme]

The laws of love

Oh, the preparations that I do for this day :P No matter how much I try, I land up feeling the same every year. So much thought was put into the script for today and well it was over in a flash. It’s not what I wanted, but rather what I needed. There is no point going down that road again.. 

Aaj na pata chal gaya, I had a eureka moment :P Although I don’t know if am happy with my discovery or no. I doubt if the moment had nothing to do with the events of the day, but the fake formalities that we both put on kind of triggered it. Paraya hone ka ehsas pehle maine jataya and fir usne, tabhi pata chala ki kitni duriyaan badh gayi hai. I realized what I should have done back in Jan for her, she needed a friend. For her, I was a stranger asking to be with her. I had to make her fall in love with me, again. Had I been able to do so, maybe today would have been different. 

It was very evident, but I don’t know if I could have done it. Firstly, I don’t know how to and why she fell for an idiot like me, to begin with, or as she says, ‘tum na..pagal ho’. I loved it when she said that. Secondly, I was down to the last of my strengths in consoling my heart. I know what these laws of love put me through for the past 3 years. I didn’t know if I could take it again. It hurts too damn bad.. 

Had that path been taken, things would have been quite different, this blog would probably be used for actual blogging :P I would never have met Lili. Maybe she is the only good that came out of this :P But hey, who knows right? 

“Udne de un parindo ko Galib..woh aayenge laut ke jo tere hai..”

The laws of love truly spare no one...

[awalkbesideme]

The faith

It has become a routine to wake up and check the phone first thing in the morning. Checking the time is the major reason but a little part of me honestly wants that “Hi” message on my phone. Not once has a notification sound come and I haven’t had my hopes up high. Not once.

I am so close to messaging her my self, but I some how find the resilience not to. It will do more harm than good for me because I am still stuck on that same sentence and she seems to have closed the book. I feel guilty for abandoning her when I should have been there for her the most. She was heart broken, she needed a friend and I could not be one to her. It just hurt too much. But it wasn’t like I didn’t try, and again it did more harm than good. 

I have had to break my heart so many times in order to realize how much I loved her. Ironically, each time she was the one who did it. But is okay, no matter how much I try and remember the events that happened that broke me, at the end of the day, I am still hoping the best for her and wishing she realizes that someday sometime - we belongED. 

It’s not that I am brining ego to the picture in saying that why should I call first or that I am not missing her. I miss her terribly, but then each time I look at Him to check if I should do it, He just smiles and asks me, “Do you not trust me?” Thank you for doing that. Whatever happens, it is for the best. Whether we get back together or no, I know it will be for the good and if He decides to keep us away then who am I to question. What did I own in this world that I am scared of loosing? 

If it is meant to be, it will be. I trust God. The people who are yours, manage to find a way back to you and if they don’t, they were never truly yours to begin with. Period. I gave it my all the last time we spoke, if it still wasn’t enough, I do not know what else to do. Besides it is the first time after her, that a girl made me turn my head around. I have no doubts in saying Lili is the kind of person I would want to be. She has such a big heart. I wish I were as selfless as her. 

Her coming into my life has also been nothing less than a miracle. I downloaded the app to learn Spanish and ended up finding the most beautiful beautiful girl of Colombia. If Lili read this, she would be so angry :P But anyways, its too soon to think of a future with her as yet. My heart is hopefully healing. Let’s see what else He plans mischievous that He is :P 

[awalkbesideme]

The child

It is the end of April and I can feel the sun shine in all its glory after months of cold. Travelling always make me think about the good things in life. I simply sat reading my book and listening to old music when I saw this man sitting next to me smiling so happily. He might have stained teeth, but it was such a beautiful smile that it could brighten up anyone's day.

He was smiling at the child who was playing so innocently with his mother in the seat ahead. I guess the man remembered his children. What pleasure could rival a father's pride? There it was right in front of me.

I made Lily see Dangal on Netflix and she was just telling about how much she teared up. This is a woman who doesn't speak the language, but seeing a parents love can tear up anyone. That's when it struck me, we as children are so stupid. We refuse to apologize to them even at the times when we are at fault which is always :p. Who are we scared of?? The same people who created us? Maa baap se kaise sharam.

They would fight the world for us and we have an ego even from them. I miss my parents. Going out on a weekend lunch and having an intellectual discussion about God or life. Argue with my dad to let me drive over my sister.

If there is one thing I want to accomplish in my life, it is to make them proud of their baby. I mean I fit into their palms. I just want to bring the world to their feet. Only if English was more descriptive :p..

[awalkbesideme]

The change

Ghar badla..koi nahi..

sehar badla..koi nahi..

desh badla..koi nahi..

dost badle..koi nahi..

aasma balda..koi nahi..

waqt badla..koi nahi..

zindagi badli..koi nahi..

kismat bhi badli..koi nahi..

par fir tum badal gaye..

[awalkbesideme]

A Thursday

I can do little but smile at His plans. I refuse to plan or get my thoughts set because knowing how mischievous He is, I refuse to get carried away :P 

She has no idea about how her messages affected my life, she never has had I think and its okay. She chose what made her happy so why should I complaint. Yes I wish the world for her, but it is a very different world from what she is in right now. I just want what’s best for her. She thinks I am doing all of this because of some movie inspired notion and it is a conquest for me. For the life in me, I cannot figure out how to make her understand that I did not go through everything because it makes me seem out like some movie hero. I did it because I used to think she is my hooman and I am hers. But she pulled the earth below my feet and I have to accept it. What choice do I have? I doubt we will talk again other than on birthday’s at best. She has been one of the most beautiful chapters of my life and I will always love her.

Lily, Lily, Lily, what do I say. She was so random. I mean we don’t have anything in common. Not even the same continent or the same language. I have never met her, but I feel attracted to her. Yes I do. She is beautiful. More on the inside or the outside is a question I have failed to answer myself. She is a girl with so much compassion.. I was surprised. She is definitely a much better person than I am. I wish to be as selfless as her one day. 

She says she was attracted to my Tandem profile picture. Rotflmao (Been years when I last used this acronym). But it is true. Such a gorgeous girl is attracted to me and she likes me! She says I have many qualities :P Ek maa aur ek yeh bas yeh do hi bolte hai aise :P She was so concerned when I told her there was a snow storm and I was in office. It felt warm. 

I know we might never meet let alone have something serious. But I hope it would be possible in the future. It is truly an honor to know the kind of person she is. But it cannot be anything serious :P I mean she doesn’t know English, I don’t know Spanish. How would we even talk without using Google Translate?! :P But talking to her is fun. I never knew Colombia was so beautiful. 

She has pets too! Dobby and Norris. How I envy her :P I told her so many times I would steal them so that she would follow them and come to DC :P She sounds so cute when she tries to speak English :P I am smitten. Let’s see what happens in Oct when she comes here :P  She too is afraid that we might fall in love etc. But that is a blog for another day. Right now, all I can do is smile..

[awalkbesideme]

The honor

“O partha, is it true? Why did you have to do that? There is no honor in what I did. It was unfair.” Arjun asked Krishna dejected. “I swore I would take revenge, but you tricked everyone!”

Arjun had just come back after the day’s battle and was cleaning his armor when he learnt the con his charioteer had pulled. He ran to demand answers from his best friend. He had refused to believe Krishna could resort to trickery just to save his life. He burst into the room only to find Krishna relishing a bowl of fruits.

“I had woved to kill Jaydrath before sunset. I swore it before everyone. All our elders! Now when they learn that we had to cheat in order to fulfill it, we would have no honor left!” Arjun realized the consequences only now. 

Krishna calmly replied, “Your life was on the line.”. 

“But the honor of a Kshatriya is more important O partha. You know that! How will we ever answer anyone? How will we look into anyone’s eyes now Lala?” 

“Where was this honor when they ganged up against Abhimanyu? In battle, it is not allowed to gang upon someone, let alone even attack someone without a weapon in hand.” Krishna replied.

“Hence I took an oath to avenge my son by killing Jaydharth, because he killed him unfairly. Now that I have done the same thing, what is the difference in between him and us? Two wrongs do not make a right.” Arjun protested.

“It is more of your honor that concerns me Krishna. I am a human, I will be in the wrong for someone or the other no matter what, but you, if people stop trusting you just because you did something for me, how will I forgive myself?”

Krishna unperturbed, continued to enjoy the fruits in his hand. 

“How are you so calm?! Please help me Krishna. I do not know how to deal with this ordeal” Arjun pleaded.

His best friend finally looked up, smiled and replied; “Arjun you had sworn to set yourself on fire if you failed to kill Jaydrath before sunset. The Kauravas were cleverly hiding him in their formation so you would eventually fail and stick to your word of lighting yourself in flames. How could I of all let that happen?”

“After everything that you taught me, why did you think I was afraid of death? With you around, I had no fears about anything. I know you would have done whatever was the best for us. As you said, the soul is immortal, it changes bodies the way we change clothes. So why did you have to do this then Krishna” Arjun quizzed.

“I am very pleased to see that you finally understood my teachings, but also know that, you are my devotee and if only my reputation is going to be harmed in order to see my devotee successful, then it is a very small price to pay. I will not let any harm come to my devotee no matter what the cost is. My reputation, people’s beliefs are all secondary. Devotees come first for me. “

“I know the world will question my righteousness over such actions of mine” Krishna continued, “but, it is of no concern to me if it helps my devotee in any way. So Arjun, I will never hesitate in choosing you over myself. This is the reason I covered the sun so that Jaydarth would come out and you could avenge your valiant son.”

Arjun, who was in tears since the first sentence could do nothing but beg for forgiveness. “Please forgive me Krishna. I never meant to doubt your intentions. Worldly virtues had blinded me. I am so lucky and honored to have a friend like you.” 

“Honor again! When will you humans learn?” Krishna said cheekily and Arjun let out a roar of laughter. No one in the Pandva camp could make out as to who was the God and who was the devotee. 

[awalkbesideme]

The condition

It been more than 10 years that I know that girl technically speaking, but yesterday was the first time I think that I decided to cut the conversation in frustration. Not that there was anything left to say, I poured my heart out and she simply stuck to her excuses. Earlier when we used to talk about this matter, I always felt there was something left that I could have said and maybe just maybe she might reconsider. But today I don’t feel that. I said everything I had to say. I offered to change my life for her but she wouldn’t have it.

She is scared. I understand. I get it. I am too. For one thing, she is only scared of what will happen to her if I bail, she doesn’t consider what do I have to do to be with her. How badly I am broken and I am scared. Scared much more than her. I need to deal with her past and I cannot tell her this because she doesn’t see how it haunts me. My life waali arguments come into place. I am not saying that, but it does haunt me and I have to be able to make peace. But again, that i my burden to bear. She will not have to worry about that. Those are my limitations. She has hers. But I do not want to let such foolish thoughts stop me from being with her because I know at the end of the day, I want to come home to her.

It is very evident that she is no longer in love with me even a bit and maybe she is just making the excuses to not hurt me. She is being kind. But she herself is hurting. Whether she accepts it or not. She is broken. I can feel it. A person who is afraid of love is certainly not fixed. Be it with me or with someone else I have to help her. It will kill me, but if that is what she wants, so be it. There is nothing I can do. The hero syndrome right? 

She is right when she says she is afraid my rigidness will cause fights. I am not even going to argue. I want her to stop smoking. The problem is instead of seeing the fact that it is the right thing, she will see it as ‘don’t tell me what to do in life’ and I will face the heat. So be it. I am not negotiating with that, If her friends and she are too blind to see how is it ruining her then I have to step in. She will hate me, but as I said, nadaan hai woh. I can’t give up on her right now, I want to. I really want to after yesterday, but ‘mohobaat mangti nahi hai’ and I believe we can fix each other. I am not giving up on that. You don’t give up on family. I have loved that girl like she is mine and will do so. 

Jaan leke hi rahegi meri ek din woh, par again, ‘woh ishq hi kya jo salamat chod de’. I say with such confidence that woh nadaan hai is because all these thoughts and beliefs she has about marriage, love and relationships is something I too have been through. She doesn’t know that. I have had these same arguments which she does with me. There is no need to marry etc. I am happy with my life all of those..But then today when you leave your area and see the world, you see things from a different angle. Of course the ‘I don’t care what society has to say’ arguments come forth but there is nothing more stupid than them. 

Whatever happens to her and me, is not in my hands. His choice. If she doesn’t want to be with me, so be it. But does not mean my feelings change. That is not love. Sure she is making it harder and harder but she is not some quest for me, I want her to be my partner, my companion and I will keep hoping He has the same plans. 

She wants me to move to India and then see if I am good enough for her, that is unfair right? if she had said this with some actual feelings, I swear I would have considered, because God knows I am ready to change borders to be with her. But I cannot abandon my responsibilities right now and go back currently. I am sorry. She can choose someone else then, which I have a feeling will not be to distant. I really have nothing else to say to her to win her back. I have given her my heart and soul and if she still doesn’t want to be with me, I have nothing else to say...

This is something I am adding after 2 hours :P but they say never to write a letter when you are angry, I guess this is why..but saala gussa aata hai and fir pyaar aa jaata hai..kya kar Ya Allah bacha le..that song ‘tu kisi rail se guzarti hai.....mein kisi pull sa......thar thara ta huu’ so true na damn it. Koi nahi jo hona hai hoga..dekh lenge..He loves to toy doesn’t he..:P 

[awalkbesideme]

The awakening

The title seems too intense for the write up, but I feel it was necessary. I was in NYC over the weekend and trust me it was a pain to reach. After 8 long hours in the bus and missing the office olympics it sure brought up my expectations to a new level altogether. 

After spending Saturday, I realized what my mom meant when she said I was too young to have known the world. I have been so naive and uni-directional in my way of thinking that I forgot the world is very different. I have always been the person who is stubborn about his principles and choices. I also realize that I think if someone chooses another ideology that conflicts with mine, I think they are wrong. Just something I have realized over time.

I am very stubborn when it comes to principles and the reason why I am fixated with them is because I do not think they are wrong in any case. I believe it is the right thing to do in life. I do not find the alternative agreeable. Like one of the people I met had a dream about settling in London because it is a good city and it has amazing cars. I was just staring at him in return, looking for something more significant. This was coming from a US citizen who was making good money and living in NYC. I just feel so annoyed when people have pointless dreams. One life! Make it count. 

Even these two have nothing but redundant ambitions. Again, it is just by my standards. When one of them mentioned that money and looks is what it eventually comes down to when choosing a life partner, I was just crest fallen. I strongly believe that there is nothing more superior than love on the earth and this generation just believes otherwise. It pained me to see that how shallow they are. Agreed they are just themselves and I cannot judge the lot, but then it is true as well. I mean of course looks and money matters, but how could one choose them over the kind of person they are? 

No matter what, someone would choose Nirav Modi’s son to get married over some guy working in TCS. Right? I felt so weak then. No matter what I do I cannot beat some fancy south bombay dude. I refuse to believe Pari would fall into this description, but sometimes I fear. I would too want her to live like a queen. But I want to build the palace for her. I aspire for that. I doubt she will choose a guy just for the money. I just could not have misjudged her so much. 

[awalkbesideme]

Holi

There I sit on my desk on this beautiful day of Holi and I miss everything. It has always been my favourite festival and I miss the days where Suket and I would go to the beer shop on 7th road and down a can before the music would start. 

It some how had become a tradition and it was fun. The entire choreography where the beer would be followed by scaring the kids in the building with color while everyone would slowly be arriving. The DJ would eventually show up and would be busy setting up while we would be throwing down everyone ritually into the puddle that we would have created. I never understood the fascination with Dhol. I mean 15-20-30mins max would be the bhangra dance, I can’t do that for 2 hours :P 

But then again it was during those 2 hours, I could forget the world. I had my GRE exams the following day and yet went to play :P. I just couldn’t miss it. It was with these people that I learnt to dance in public and probably the only time my parents could see me dancing :P Holi was always fun. I would be dead tired of course by the afternoon and would require a siesta. The bath was the worst. It took hours and hours to remove the colors, but it was still worth it. 

I realize, that I might not be able to play Holi ever again in Bombay, but these memories will always have a special place in my heart and I shall always cherish them. It’s been a fortnight since I last spoke to her and not a day goes by when I don’t wake up with the hope that her hi flashes on my phone. People call me crazy and tell me to forget her, all true, no doubt, only a fool would willingly burn himself. But I do. I do it everyday.  She has become my achilles heel and I cannot let her go. Her tantrums and her childhood innocence. Mad girl. But I have come to the realization, when He is there why should I fear? If she comes back nothing like it, if she doesn’t, she was never truly mine..But I pray for her and always will. 

Happy Holi my Hooman. 

[awalkbesideme]

Did I just?

Damn that smile. I just can't forget it. And not only her, but mine as well. It's contagious. If you can make her laugh, you cannot not fall in love with her. It's just too beautiful a picture to forget. Those silly things I would say or do just to get her to smile, Ahh well, those days in that scandal point garden, marine drive and what not, those are my moments that I refuse to part with.

Yes they might soon be the reason for my insanity, but I am healing, hopefully. I missed being resolute. I have to. I followed my logic and broke myself. I should listen to Sonia this time. If she doesn't come back, she was never truly mine. Thus ends the tale of Pari and Dev. Only if.

I have loved her with my heart and soul. I would run at 4am to get an ice cream or whatever and you know those filmy romances. I have lived on Bollywood and yeah it is because of Bollywood that my idea of romance is so dramatic. Anyways, may she find Him soon. Nothing else is worth more.