aveer4732

[aveer4732]

How do I love myself when I don’t even know who I am?

[aveer4732]

Dating is so weird, it’s like every new girl I meet, there’s a new version of me that pops out, a completely different personality. Idk if that’s a good thing or not but it’s a very odd feeling now that I think about it. We create new versions of ourselves and tear apart our real selves to fit the other like a carved puzzle piece. At this point I’ve changed myself so many times, so much, I barely remember who I am anymore. It’s crazy what humans can do for just a little bit of love, giving themselves to people thinking, I’m your puppet, you control me, I don’t know me.

[aveer4732]

I fucking hate this, I feel like blocking everyone and just running away, everyone I was close to, left me and everyday with new people just a little amount of love I get makes me push them away further cuz it reminds me about how big and empty this hole inside of me is right now.

[aveer4732]

let it enfold you

either peace or happiness, let it enfold you.

when I was a young man

I felt that these things were

dumb, unsophisticated.

I had bad blood, a twisted

mind, a precarious

upbringing.

I was hard as granite, I

leered at the

sun.

I trusted no man and

especially no

woman.

I was living a hell in

small rooms, I broke

things, smashed things,

walked through glass,

cursed.

I challenged everything,

was continually being

evicted, jailed, in and

out of fights, in and out

of my mind.

women were something

to screw and rail

at, I had no male

friends,

I changed jobs and

cities, I hated holidays,

babies, history,

newspapers, museums,

grandmothers,

marriage, movies,

spiders, garbagemen,

English accents, Spain,

France, Italy, walnuts and

the color

orange.

algebra angered me,

opera sickened me,

Charlie Chaplin was a

fake

and flowers were for

pansies.

peace and happiness to me

were signs of

inferiority,

tenants of the weak

and

addled

mind.

but as I went on with

my alley fights,

my suicidal years,

my passage through

any number of

women - it gradually

began to occur to

me

that I wasn't different

from the

others, I was the

same.

they were all fulsome

with hatred,

glossed over with petty

grievances,

the men I fought in

alleys had hearts of

stone.

everybody was nudging,

inching, cheating for

some insignificant

advantage,

the lie was the

weapon and the

plot was

empty,

darkness was the

dictator.

cautiously, I allowed

myself to feel good

at times.

I found moments of

peace in cheap

rooms

just staring at the

knobs of some

dresser

or listening to the

rain in the

dark.

the less I needed

the better I

felt.

maybe the other

life had worn me

down.

I no longer found

glamour

in topping somebody

in conversation.

or in mounting the

body of some poor

drunken female

whose life had

slipped away into

sorrow.

I could never accept

life as it was,

I could never gobble

down all its

poisons

but there were parts,

tenuous magic parts

open for the

asking.

I reformulated

I don't know when,

date, time, all

that

but the change

occurred.

something in me

relaxed, smoothed

out.

I no longer had to

prove that I was a

man,

I didn't have to prove

anything.

I began to see things:

coffee cups lined up

behind a counter in a

cafe.

or a dog walking along

a sidewalk.

or the way the mouse

on my dresser top

stopped there,

really stopped there

with its body,

its ears,

its nose,

it was fixed,

a bit of life

caught within itself

and its eyes looked

at me

and they were

beautiful.

then - it was

gone.

I began to feel good,

I began to feel good

in the worst

situations

and there were plenty

of those.

like say, the boss

behind his desk,

he is going to have

to fire me.

I've missed too many

days.

he is dressed in a

suit, necktie, glasses,

he says, "I am going

to have to let you go."

"it's all right" I tell

him.

he must do what he

must do, he has a

wife, a house, children,

expenses, most probably

a girlfriend.

I am sorry for him.

he is caught.

I walk out into the blazing

sunshine.

the whole day is

mine.

temporarily,

anyhow.

(the whole world is at the

throat of the world,

everybody feels angry,

short-changed, cheated,

everybody is despondent,

disillusioned.)

I welcomed shots of

peace, tattered shards of

happiness.

I embraced that stuff

like the hottest number,

like high heels, breasts,

singing, the

works.

(don't get me wrong,

there is such a thing as

cockeyed optimism

that overlooks all

basic problems just for

the sake of

itself -

this is a shield and a

sickness.)

the knife got near my

throat again,

I almost turned on the

gas

again

but when the good

moments arrived

again

I didn't fight them off

like an alley

adversary.

I let them take me,

I luxuriated in them,

I bade them welcome

home.

I even looked into

the mirror

once having thought

myself to be

ugly,

I now liked what

I saw, almost

handsome, yes,

a bit ripped and

ragged,

scares, lumps,

odd turns,

but all in all,

not too bad,

almost handsome,

better at least than

some of those movie

star faces

like the cheeks of

a baby's

butt.

and finally I discovered

real feelings for

others,

unheralded,

like lately,

like this morning,

as I was leaving

for the track,

I saw my wife in bed,

just the shape of

her head there, covers

pulled high, just the

shape of her

head there

(not forgetting

centuries of the living

and the dead and

the dying,

the pyramids,

Mozart dead

but his music still

there in the

room, weeds growing,

the earth turning,

the toteboard waiting for

me)

I saw the shape of my

wife's head,

she so still,

I ached for her life,

just being there

under the

covers.

I kissed her on the

forehead,

got down the stairway,

got outside,

got into my marvelous

car,

fixed the seatbelt,

backed out the

drive.

feeling warm to

the fingertips,

down to my

foot on the gas

pedal,

I entered the world

once

more,

drove down the

hill

past the houses

full and empty

of

people,

I saw the mailman,

honked,

he waved

back

at me.

c.b.

[aveer4732]

I’ve always had a very odd relationship with my father, I remember when I was younger I used to not like him and loved hitting him cuz of how strict he used to be or cuz of his scoldings or whatnot. I grew up, started liking him cuz he suddenly became chill and gave me very real advice, now when I got into the 11th grade, we were all fresh off of the Covid pandemic and shit was still new. The time had come to “decide what I wanted to be” and my plan since like the 4th grade had become to be a musician and one of the best performers of all time. Dad knew this and I always thought my parents were the most supportive, but what I didn’t realise was, my dad and a lot of other people around me were killing my dream. He told me that I had a 1 in a million chance and I probably wasn’t gonna make it, and that I gotta focus on a more realistic career, and so slowly but surely, the fire I had of singing, listening and creating had died out and my mind went to the question: how can I survive ? And so I thought hmm….law….sounds good, money looks good, etc. and so I’d agreed to being average and forgotten about wanting to be the greatest performer in the world. So this summer, after I’d graduated, a friend came back from college on holiday, he said to me “I can’t do this corporate shit we need to make a band so that we can at least try to do smth big” I said okay, sure. So we started and on the first day of practise, he said to me “dude I’m very disappointed in you, the passion that you had, it’s not there, what happened” and that one sentence reignited a fire that had died almost 2 years ago, and whenever it seemed like that it was dying out again he pushed me, and he kept on pushing me and we started making progress, we wrote music and we loved it, I loved it and I told my parents that I’m serious about it and my mum said go for it, dad on the other hand seemed skeptical and said it’s prolly not gonna work out but sure, it’s a hobby, go for it, while that kinda rubbed me the wrong way, I let it be. It’s been a while and I’m outside the country right now on holiday, I got into a law college and it’s starting Monday, and it’s kinda depressing but it is what it is I guess, I was out for dinner with my parents a few hours ago and I was kinda out of it cuz I’d rather be home making music cuz I finally found someone to push me to do the shit I love and it made me feel amazing, dad saw that I was out of it and he started talking and out of spite he said at the table “it’s not gonna work, what band? Bullshit” am I wrong for being pissed at him for thinking that what I love doing is a joke?

[aveer4732]

Being in love, my experience

I was 14 the first time I ever felt like I was head over heels crazy in love, that was with my first serious girlfriend ever. It was during covid and we were best friends before that, and I was crazy about her. For a year and 9 months we went through the ups and the downs of a relationship, towards the end it mostly just became damaging to the both of us, she said and did some things that hurt me and i did some things that I regret. But I still learnt a lot. Then there was this other girl I liked. I liked her before said girlfriend and then after her. Idk, I always believed we were compatible, we liked alot of the same stuff, believed in a lot of the same stuff...she was one of the first people that made me felt heard, and so I fell for her. I didnt care about how my friends described her, I didnt care about what my parents thought, all I knew was that I wanted to be with this girl, and it broke me. Every time she said that she didn't feel the same it made me feel worse and worse about myself until my self eseem was completely shattered. It wasn't her fault, she just didn't feel the same, and I blamed myself over and over again until I believed that I was fully unlovable. I guess growing up believing that things that happen in rom-coms isn't a great thing. I've been through a lot of shit with this feeling and it's uplifted me, but also completely broken me down, it's a brave thing to feel, recently it feels like I've started pushing it away, usually if a girl ghosted me and if I had the smallest affection I'd keep on trying and trying and ask myself why I was this unlovable monster of a person, but now with me trying to just be happy instead of finding someone to make me happy, it seems as if I'm subconciously pushing people away because of my own shitty experiences with "love". Just the other day I was thinking about someone I'm fond of and instead of being positively overwhelmed by the hint that I might be in love with this person, I thought to myself "fuck...not again" what does that say? Idk what's going on with me but I have a very love hate relationship with 'love' and no wonder that people dont want to feel it alone.

[aveer4732]

There’s this idea of death that, when you’re about to die you see the face/ faces of the people you love most and it flashes by you. My whole life I’ve thought I’ve had those people or that one person that for sure I’d see before dying, to have peace. Recently I had a revelation and it changed my perspective to take things in a more positive light, but recently it feels like because of that I’ve started loving myself but also started losing my affection for people I thought I couldn’t live without, things are changing and I don’t know how I feel about it and I’m not sure about who I’m gonna see before I die or if I’m gonna see anybody before my eternal slumber.

[aveer4732]

These past few days have been very weird for me, it’s as if I’ve been through a 100 roller coasters in the past 5 days. Idk, I’ve gone through about 5 panic attacks 6 episodes of ‘I want to cry and I can’t move’ and the most recent thing has been me being okay with everything around me. So far from what I’ve seen, this is the time I’m seeing all my friends getting together, my best friend back with the love of his life, my other best friend with someone she adores a person I used to like almost with a great guy and one of my exes together with a guy who she’s really really into. Naturally my mind expects more of this to happen for other people and it’s great, but it’s times like these where I’d try to be happy for others and wish them the best of luck while suffering inside wishing I had someone to enjoy spring with. But it feels a bit different? I’ve come to the Realisation that there’s no one I would settle for and I don’t want “fine” or “just fine” I want someone who can give me as much as I can give them and I have friends who surround me with love and compassion and those who make me laugh everyday. These friends may wake me up at 8 am to study cuz they know I won’t unless they wake me up, or they laugh with me if I’m feeling down, they may spend time with me even though they may have an exam, or say something dumb that makes me smile. The point is in the season of people getting together and couples walking around together holding hands and falling in love, for the first time in about 3 year, I don’t feel sad, I don’t crave a relationship and I don’t feel left out.

[aveer4732]

I may think of you softly from time to time, but I swear I'll cut my hands off if they ever reach out for you again.

[aveer4732]

Every time I start making progress I get hurt, literally and emotionally

I started working out, I injured my wrist

I started getting good grades, my mental health is fucked

I get a girlfriend, shit gets too complicated

I like someone after a long time, they don’t like me back

I can’t catch a fucking break ffs

Fml.

[aveer4732]

"A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness."

--Robert Frost

[aveer4732]

Sometimes I feel like faking my own death or actually just dying to see if any of my friends would cry cuz I was no longer alive. I know it’s selfish but I just wanna know if it’s real or not, if my apprehensions about a grain of sand disappearing not disrupting the whole beach is true or if my friends really do love me as much as I love them? I’ve always been the dude to listen or to give advice or to just ask others to hangout or just show up when they’re down, but I always feel like I’m the only one trying if that makes sense, I’m not saying that my friends are horrible people, no I love my friends, I’d just like to be shown the same affection, I’d like for my care to be reciprocated in the way I show it myself. I don’t see it or feel it, so either it’s not there or I’m really good at ignoring my friends’ efforts which makes me a shitty person, idk, maybe this was a bad idea?

[aveer4732]

How do you become a good person?

Is it to always stay in between the lines and never cross a limit?

Is it to learn from your mistakes and try to never repeat them again?

Is it to crucify yourself for the harm you’ve caused and the pain you can’t take back

And then think that you’re playing the victim card?

Is it to always have good intentions and always act on them?

Is it to have horrible thoughts and never act on them?

Is it to take risk and bear the consequences without whining and having no regrets?

Or is it to be okay all the time with whatever it is that you get?

How do you become a good person?

[aveer4732]

A walk down Piccadilly

I think I’ve stopped loving you

But it doesn’t bring me peace

I’ve tried so hard to fall out of it for so long

Yet it doesn’t make me feel better

I remember exactly when it happened

I was walking down Piccadilly street looking at casinos, pubs and places to eat

And as I kept on walking I suddenly realised

I hadn’t thought about you all day long

But the thought of not thinking about you didn’t bring me distress

Rather, I felt nothing as I thought to myself

“I don’t love you anymore”

The feeling still stays with me even though you’re closer to me than ever before

But it makes me feel numb to the point that it hurts my very core

I think that’s why I keep coming back to you

I think that’s why, even though I don’t love you,

I still love you like a writer loves a character’s lore.

[aveer4732]

I never wanted to be a poet, it wasn’t an aspiration of mine, but the experience of going through what I’ve been with you let my feelings be undone, not everybody’s feelings, not yours, only mine

If you loved me back I probably wouldn’t be here penning down every thought I had, every nightmare I felt to my core and back

If you loved me back I would’ve been able to sleep without afraid of your ghost that visits me before I die every night

If you loved me back, I’d probably love me too instead of asking myself “what’s wrong with you!?”

If you loved me back, what I’m gonna say wouldn’t be true, I’ve accepted that you won’t feel the same for me, yet it doesn’t make me blue

Because I’m in love with the fact that I’m in love with you

[aveer4732]

Putting yall onto one of my favorite producers bc of the old meek mill freestyles he remixes with these low fi jazz beats. It has Westside Gunn and Tsu Surf vibes with a little Tyler?? Idk it's a vibe whatever it is

[aveer4732]

I like being alone but I hate being lonely. It’s underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time, it’s definitely redundant and it makes me question, “what’s wrong with me?” I do the things that couples do together alone

I sit at McDonald’s waiting for my food with nobody to talk with, I wait at 2 am waiting for somebody to call me drunk or just in general telling me they love me, or that they miss me

And that despite what may be going on, they want me. It’s like healing and hurting at the same time, while the mundane silence spreads through my body like a cancer, my mind gets fortified every time I feel like this, it gets stronger, I get stronger, but at what cost?