autmnbrzambrsky

[autmnbrzambrsky]

After all this

That Still Small Voice

Haunts me

She says each time

The worth of a woman is her hair

The length she has gone

Without shearing her power

Untouched

There is not honor in indulgence

For the long-haired woman

But in denial

Of each trimming

- autmnbrzambrsky

[autmnbrzambrsky]

The first time

I was to be baptized

I was told no

She is not ready

The burden is on the heavy yoke

Her heart is not quite open

The last time I was baptized

Spirit was the water

Drowning me with YES

She said to me

You are always the sacrifice

Pierce your heart again for me

- autmnbrzambrsky

[autmnbrzambrsky]

Pain is a virtue

Virtue is a race

Races have no winner

When you’re all seeking last place

For the last in the race

Shall be first in their pain

There is no salvation

If hurt’s all you gain

- autmnbrzambrsky

[autmnbrzambrsky]

the meaning of life is summed up in the story elmer bendiner tells about how when he was a pilot the second world war, his plane was hit with a barrage of anti-aircraft fire from the nazi forces but the crew survived. and how everyone was saying it was a miracle until they investigated the shells that got in the fuselage and found there was no explosive charges in any of them. in one they found a note scribbled in czech, written by the person who had been forced to manufacture the shells, and it just said ‘this is all we can do for you now’.

[autmnbrzambrsky]

It’s me I’m bitches

Girls will be like Idk why im so unproductive recently and then you ask whats going on in their life and they list eight lifestopping crisies and then say 'yeah but i should be fine :/ '

[autmnbrzambrsky]

That feeling of being so completely alone, even when you're surrounded by other people. The jokes other queer people make online about how their entire friend group came out, one by one. And all you can do is just burn with jealousy.

You were always the funny one, the weird one. Now you're also the token heretic, the token gay one, but you make enough jokes at your own expense to ease their discomfort. It's always about their discomfort, never the churning pit of your own. You're too afraid that they'll leave you to prioritize anything other than their comfort. You make yourself marketable, palatable, "one of the good ones," because being lonely is still better than being alone.

You wish, oh so desperately, that you had been a little less devout in middle and high school when you were making these core friendships. You wish your parents had just sent you to public school. You wish you could rebuild your entire self, your entire past, so you wouldn't be hurting like this now.

You wish you didn't care about them so much, that you could just move on from this group of cishet Christian girls you've known for half your life. But you do care about them, and they care about you, even though you've changed so much they don't even know how to relate to you anymore.

You listen to them discussing their Bible studies, their godly boyfriends, all while you can't even walk into a church anymore without shaking. They tell you they accept you, that they love you just as you are, but you can't help but remember every homophobic remark they have ever uttered in your presence.

And you can never tell them all of this, because they could never understand. They'd be offended if you told them how the doctrine of original sin taught you to hate yourself. They'd be uncomfortable if you actually talked about the girls you liked. Your innermost being is too much for them.

You're too much for them.

[autmnbrzambrsky]

i always felt so guilty for not having these intense spiritual experiences during worship

id sing along with everyone else and try to feel it, id walk in the woods and marvel at god’s creation without a single bit of actual emotion

i think id convinced myself i did feel it, that the soul-lifting, fire-lighting gratitude to god was lying dormant within me and i just had to tap into it

but to this day all ive ever really felt is fear.

[autmnbrzambrsky]

so many christians love to label apostates and heretics as these cold-blooded people who left christianity because of their own hate or whatever. i cried for hours on end the day i realized there was no longer anyone who knew exactly how many hairs there were on my head. 

leaving christianity is not a moment of “i now hate god because i was not given everything i wanted”; leaving christianity is like being forced to turn your back on a parent who has loved you but has also abused you. you shed so much negativity and self hatred and guilt but you also lose so much love. it’s terrifying and cold and empty and i would not be doing it had i not been forced to. 

[autmnbrzambrsky]

make sure you do

[autmnbrzambrsky]

people talked about purity in youth group as if it meant anything. i sat there trying my damn hardest to feel any kind of pure. i felt nothing.

and you know what? i wasn't pure at all. my brain was stuffed with other people's fears and prejudices. there wasn't space for me in my own head.

i feel pure now though. i am one hundred percent me and nobody can ever change that

[autmnbrzambrsky]

wearing a rosary during sex? yes.

absolutely nothing better than appropriating the pretty parts of a bastard religion and looking hot as hell the entire time.

[autmnbrzambrsky]

[autmnbrzambrsky]

anyways u know what. i love not believing in a god. i love appreciating the world as it is and i love loving other humans without strings attached. it’s so sexy of me.

[autmnbrzambrsky]

even if billie joe was straight (he’s not) teenagers getting offended he used the word faggot in american idiot 16 years after the fact would still be some of the goofiest discourse i have yet to see on this website. if you were young and gay in 2004 that shit rocked your world bc we were living through one of the most powerful resurgences of blind american patriotism and anti-gay evangelical bullshit of the last three decades. i dont think most of yall understand how radical that song, that album, and green day’s overall anti-bush pro-gay stance was for the time. even though we were at the cusp of bush becoming unpopular by the time it was released, american idiot saw a fairly mainstream rock band condemning not just him, but the bigoted, ignorant american culture which created him. to remove all of this context from the song and act like green day was just throwing around homophobic slurs for the hell of it is exactly why people joke nobody has reading comprehension on this website lmao. he’s not weaponizing the term; he’s using it to identify with an alternative american society.

[autmnbrzambrsky]

“In college I had a physics professor who wrote the date and time in red marker on a sheet of white paper and then lit the paper on fire and placed it on a metallic mesh basket on the lab table where it burned to ashes. He asked us whether or not the information on the paper was destroyed and not recoverable, and of course we were wrong, because physics tells us that information is never lost, not even in a black hole, and that what is seemingly destroyed is, in fact, retrievable. In that burning paper the markings of ink on the page are preserved in the way the flame flickers and the smoke curls. Wildly distorted to the point of chaos, the information is nonetheless not dead. Nothing, really, dies. Nothing dies. Nothing dies.”

— Nicholas Rombes, The Absolution of Roberto Acestes Laing (via bobschofield)

[autmnbrzambrsky]

Great Are You

It’s MY breath in MY lungs

My bones sing a song of greatness alright

My heart cries it’s praise

To the life and love within it

Restored

autmnbrzambrsky

[autmnbrzambrsky]

I was on fire for the Lord and I was screaming as silently as I could