audygee

[audygee]

I've met so many new people this year. Cheers to them. The more people I get to meet the more I realize how broken and damaged I am.

[audygee]

may be this time? hahaha

[audygee]

Cheers to new beginnings.

[audygee]

Wala na akong oras magdrama or maglandi. Kaya kung gusto mo lang sa akin kasi ayaw mo mag-seryoso, TANG INA KA PALA EH. Doon ka! Doon ka sa iba mong options. Kasi punyeta ka wala pa man akong career, pero sure ako ayoko maging option mo. Gold ka boii? Ikaw lang ba lalake sa mundo ha? Napaka-taas ng tingin mo sa sarili mo. Ang kapal din ng mukha mo aminin na may iba kang options.

Pinipilit ko maging okay. Pero shit. Shit lang. Shit lang talaga, masakit. Nasaktan mo ako hayop ka.

[audygee]

Why compete for your attention when I have people vying for mine?

[audygee]

BJS, cutie.

December, please be one of my best.

[audygee]

I smile just at the thought of you.

[audygee]

Weakness infuriates me. Now that my mom has been removed from her job, I had been thinking about our family's finances a lot. Will we be able to maintain our live styles? Our status? Of course not.

I blame my dad for this. I grew up seeing my mom being the breadwinner of our family. My dad just depending on her. I wonder how he was able to do despite that fact that earning less than your wife is emasculating? I also blame him for squandering a lot of money in the last election. He already knew the risk beforehand, but he failed to listen to my mom.

I also blame my self for this. Had I graduated earlier from law school and didn't party that much during my earlier years, things would be different. A LOT DIFFERENT. For starter, I won't have to rely on them for my finances.

[audygee]

“You hear but are you listening? You exist but are you living? You look but do you see?”

— Unknown

[audygee]

do your thing and be quiet about it

[audygee]

Let's just vibe until we get there.

[audygee]

Stop your overthinking.

[audygee]

I think of you tonight and I go back to our memories. Like I have told you, "You're my dream guy but I'm not yet my dream self." I still have a lot of work to do within me. A lot of growing up, restoration, maturity. I'm not yet there...

I want to focus on me first, my family, to focus on N. I have no idea whether we'll cross paths after a year but if you do get back in my life I want to be your co-equal. I don't want to be a baby right in front of you. I want to be a partner, a helper, and not a drag. I know a lot could happen in a year, a lot could change, we could meet other other people. But we also both believe in God's will and so if it is God's will for us to grow old together, God himself will make the way for that.

[audygee]

i like the concept of soulmates—not a “you’re destined to meet me, and love me” kind of soulmate, but a “i’d pick you, every time.” kind of soulmate. a “no matter what happens, and what has happened, i want to go through it with you.” kind of soulmate. a “i love you by choice, and you’re a blessing, and i’m going to continue thinking about you this way not because i have to but because i want to.” kind of soulmate. a “you help me rest easy when everything is difficult” kind of soulmate. a “in every possible outcome, i want you there, to share it with me.” kind of soulmate.

[audygee]

Tapos na yun, umusad ka na.

[audygee]

Sometimes it’s necessary to stop trying for certain things. Stop trying to force relationships, to force feelings, and force things to be a certain way. Sometimes it’s needed to let go. For our own healing, mental health and overall quality of life.

[audygee]

I ended things with Atty- Kuya today. It started out in an issue regarding my clothing. I admitted to him I was pissed off by how he was restricting me.

"Nakasleeveless ka ba?"

"Nakikitaan ka ba?"

Instead of fixing things, he got annoyed that I was annoyed with him. So I got more annoyed. We decided to end things as friends, me referring to him as "Kuya."

For some reason, I don't feel hurt. There is no pang of pain in my chest. Just thankful that I got to spend time with him, meet him, have fun with him.

I know that right now my top priority is my growth. Him lingering with me would just restrain me from my potential. I want to focus on my self first. Learn my self. Be content with being alone. These are my priorities. I know that focusing on myself now would allow me to be a better partner in the future.

I am thankful for the two months I was able to date people- some turned into friends while others went back to being strangers. I am okay now. I can focus on myself now. Thank youuu!