audreyrambles

[audreyrambles]

why am I the only one who cares about me

[audreyrambles]

03/08/23

heyyyyy long time no talk, basically everything is going okay, good even, me and my love interest got together and have been dating for almost half a year now, I graduated last month, turn eighteen in a couple days and am going for my license in a few weeks, so things have been looking up

but of course I dont come on here when things are going good, hense the very long absence.

so of course, here is my problem of the day:

my sister came back from uni to live with us again.

now hold on now yall, I know I sound awful and this whole thing is gonna sound awful but I do love her dearly and im very glad shes home, this is all just coming from a new place of frustration.

I want nothing more than to get my shit together and begin my adult life, but of course just as I start to get that sense of normalcy, she comes home and absolutely demolishes my plans because suddenly my mother is catering to her.

I have to be driven to school everyday and plan my life around my moms simply because my sister needs the car.

yes I understand that shes older and that getting a ride to her hospital job is probably less than convenient and ideal, but im not even fucking considered in this family

we bought a new car to share amongst the siblings and low and behold just as I thought suddenly what was meant to be for US is now for HER.

fuck off.

seriously???

I will always be the stupid fucking baby of the family and it literally makes me wanna rip my hair out and kill mysef.

she’s literally twenty six and is nowhere near independence. I know the economy is bad and she cant afford it, but maybe she’d be in a better spot financially if she didnt spend thousands of dollars going across the country.

I dunno, just for the record, I will not be like her OR my brother

I love them both so much, but I refuse to follow their footsteps cause to be honest, that would be embarrassing…

I need to prove my own worth cause clearly my own family see’s me as some fucking infant who cant take care of herself so they actively just continue to treat me like im five.

my hatred for this treatment will drive me to be more successful and I refuse to fall behind due to their negative pressures.

I wish theyd just let me grow up in peace, because all I do is build resentment for them.

[audreyrambles]

pussy so good it be curing ailments afflictions and maladies

[audreyrambles]

05/12/22

I wish someone loved me

I just want to make someones life better

I feel like I dont do anything for people, like I could be better.

but also I just want to FEEL loved.

right now I just feel like a burden, a little sister that tags along to every event much to everyone elses dismay.

I feel so useless.

why make me so full of love but then make me guilty to love?

all I do is take up peoples time, I doubt they even like me that much.

what even is there to like?

[audreyrambles]

also im bisexual now and theres a boy in my life (he doesnt want me)

I wish he was a bad person so he could just take advantage of me and make me feel desired.

but no, he has to be moral

30/11/22

why am I so undesirable.

not to sound suicidal or anything, but lately I feel as if I add nothing to other peoples lives

I almost wish I was being abused again.

at least then id be good for something.

god im fucking pathetic.

sososo pathetic.

nobody fucking wants me.

nobody loves me in a way that matters.

what am I doing wrong?

[audreyrambles]

30/11/22

why am I so undesirable.

not to sound suicidal or anything, but lately I feel as if I add nothing to other peoples lives

I almost wish I was being abused again.

at least then id be good for something.

god im fucking pathetic.

sososo pathetic.

nobody fucking wants me.

nobody loves me in a way that matters.

what am I doing wrong?

[audreyrambles]

25/10/22

holy fucking shit.

can I PLEASE just have one good thing???

basically I have a love interest now but theyre too old for me, so I will REMAIN FUCKING LONELY AND UNLOVED.

my ““best friend”” doesnt text me first anymore, let alone answer.

I feel fucking useless.

insignificant, ugly, unloveable, stupid, worthless

im not even suicidal rn, just angry.

why me.

I dont want to die, I want to hurt.

my life is slowly getting more interesting but also more unbearable.

why did I have to be born.

[audreyrambles]

14/10/22

I feel so defeated.

I was supposed to go to a concert tomorrow night and I was so excited. but today I finally decided to tell my mom. I had already confirmed I was going and everything because I knew it wouldnt be a problen if I just lied.

but for some stupid reason today I decided to tell my mom the truth because it wasnt that bad.

she shot me down.

immediately.

didnt hear me out, nothing.

I have to stop giving her the benefit of the doubt.

to her, shes “protecting” me.

to me, shes not letting me socialize and solidifying the fact that everything I do in my life revolves around work of some sort.

to further rub salt in my wound, she made me take down the posters of my favourite bands in my room.

the shit that makes me happy

the shit that makes me, ME

no individuality, no freedom, no fun.

I am going insane.

I want to act out and lash out and hurt myself.

all I fucking do in life is school work and work work.

next week I have an “awards night” for school. I worked so hard to A) get the grades and B) get work off that night. but I dont even want to go anymore. because its fucking WORK.

I hate everything right now.

[audreyrambles]

13/10/22

hate hate hate.

I suddenly feel 13 again.

I have a friend (will now be M) who is pushing me away. They haven’t told me why, but im pretty sure I know the reason.

It wasnt my fault.

they should have just told me.

but now theyre not communicating with me and barely ANYONE.

fuck you.

Im hurt that you can’t trust me.

Im hurt that you would rather push me away than communicate.

Im hurt that I hurt you and you stayed silent.

just. fucking. talk to me.

you really think this is fixing the problem? this is what you want? ive done nothing but support you and I cross your boundaries ACCIDENTALLY a single time, and suddenly you arent saying shit?

I hate you this

your lack of communication is ruining me.

I want to slit open my body because of you.

[audreyrambles]

13/10/22

I feel so impulsive

I just want something awful to happen to me, not in a depressed way, just in an eventful way. I am so pent up and bored. Its agonizing.

I feel like im going insane.

lately i’ve been having incredibly graphic thoughts about older men. all sexual. It makes me feel fucking disgusting, like I need to scrub my skin off.

especially because I thought I was a lesbian :/

the thoughts are generally about me being abused, taken advantage of, but still being complimented and praised. false admiration and stuff like that yk?

they aren’t about any man in particular, but the thoughts are so revolting that i’ve basically forced myself to withdraw from all the older men in my life.

coworkers, male teachers.

I don’t want to be hurt again.

but in some sick and twisted way I like the thoughts. the idea of being desired, being needed.

I want to feel appreciated and loved but here I am again, speaking into the void where no one will see.

Ive started smoking weed regularly.

Its not my first time, but I just started actively seeking it out. I dont really know why, I guess I just needed something to keep me warm, busy.

my friends are still wonderful, the ones my age are lovely, they are all dealing with a lot, but can’t communicate. which puts a lot of stress on me to just figure it out.

E seems to be having so much fun in uni, and here I am having delusions.

I feel so left behind.

[audreyrambles]

4/08/22

I suppose this is another rant about the same thing it always is. being left behind. Today I caught up with a friend I lost contact with for a few months (who I’ll call C), she is two years older than I am. which got me thinking about how we probably lost contact because I am younger than her. shes in second year uni, and I haven’t graduated yet. I feel so desperate.

I love that many of my friends are a little older because theres so much more freedom and emotional maturity but theres also the looming feeling that Im being left behind and need to catch up despite the fact I physically cant. I am perfectly on track for someone my age, which just… I cant find a word. its anger but im not angry, im sad but not jealous or hurt. I suppose its a mix of fear as well, maybe uncertainty? I wish I knew another language so id have more words to describe this experience

I am scared they will move on before I even have a chance at fighting for our friendship. As much as id love it, I dont expect to be friends forever but it cant end this soon and because of my age. Maybe if I did something wrong they could leave, or if we naturally grow apart. but not because im so far behind them without any time to catch up.

I began to cry when I wrote that last paragraph.

I never realized I was so insecure about this.

[audreyrambles]

[audreyrambles]

28/06/22

Im overwhelmed with bittersweetness today.

my best friend (from now on i’ll call her E) just graduated a few hours ago, and she is obviously overjoyed. I am happy for her, beyond happy, I want nothing more than to see her like this. she deserves the world and more.

but I think im jealous in a way?

I am of course scared and anxious about change, and growing up. but lord am I ready to go.

I dont know, I suppose I have been incredibly emotional lately. I dont understand why but thats alright! i’ll figure it out soon enough! :)

maybe I need something new and exciting

[audreyrambles]

27/07/22

this summer is the last summer of high school. I know this may sound stupid to anyone whos graduated, but its very scary to me. I like school, I like my community and I like my little life. Things just started getting good for me, and now I only have ten months left. I am scared. excited? yes. but very very scared.

I have a silly little retail job which is really nice for a part time job, but when am I supposed to stop working part time and have a career? how do I even make that transition? I cant even drive, yet now I have to think about the rest of my life.

I like the idea of growing up. but I am so so scared.

[audreyrambles]

hello!

you can call me Audrey.

I am a 17 year old girl (she/her), and I am currently healing from depression.

Ive been depressed since I was 10/11, I dont remember exactly.

Regardless, It has been a long time, Ive been dealing with mental health issues for essentially my whole conscious life.

this is basically my diary.

tw: self harm, suicide, sex, drugs (mostly weed), intrusive thoughts