audoldends

[audoldends]

takes you by the hand and walks you through my low-quality bucktommy screenshot mindpalace

[audoldends]

the fact that alec i-will-burn-myself-to-keep-my-loved-ones-warm lightwood and magnus ignore-the-trauma-what-do-you-need-me-for bane fells in love with each other is so fucking hilarious. they take one look at each other and like well oh shit he’s hot AND self-sacrifice uh huh uh huh sign me TF UP. then they later regret it cause all their self sacrificial tendency keep cancelling each other out. everytime one of them tryna do something stupid the other pulls out the uno reverse card. this is their life now.

[audoldends]

Jace: Do you think Kit sees me as a role model?

Alec: Let‘s hope for the sake of us all that he doesn‘t.

[audoldends]

the three states of alec

tag list (tell me if you wanna be removed or added):  @magnus-the-maqnificent @literallytypogod @ukisteria  @wildesummerchild @sociallyineptbibliophile @queenlilith43 @khaleesiofalicante @wandererbyheart  @raziyekroos  @onetimetwotimesthreetimess @alexandergideonslightwood @andrwminward @noah-herondale-lightwood @elettralightwood @dustandducks​@deliciousdetectivestranger @delightfullyterrible @letsgofortacos​ @kita-no​ @mxtthew-fxirchild-apologist  @thelightofthebane @secrettryst @pocketoffeels @cityofdownwardspirals @stupidfuckindinosaur @i-have-not-slept @rinadragomir @potato-jem @kasper-tag

[audoldends]

How everybody else sees Magnus

Vs

How Alec sees Magnus

[audoldends]

"Child," he hissed to Max. "You know not of what dark lineage you come. You are naturally inclined to evil. Join me, infernal foundling, in my revels -" "My bapa is Ultra Magnus," Max announced proudly. "And Daddy is a Shadowhunter." Alec thought Max had gotten the name Ultra Magnus from one of his toys. Magnus seemed to like it. "Don't interrupt me when I'm promising you dark demonic delights," the demon Elyaas said fussily. "Why are you always interrupting me?" Max brightened at the word "demonic." "Uncle Jace says we will kill all the demins," he reported with joy. "All the demins!" "Well, have you considered that your uncle Jace is a hurtful person?" said the demon. "Always stabbing everyone, and sarcastic." Max scowled. "Love Uncle Jace. Hate demins."

I love you Max Lightwood-Bane ♥️ My heart melts every time he's on the page! Also, the demon Elyaas is an underrated recurring character, never fails to deliver 😎

Art: @mortallwarlock

[audoldends]

Alec: Okay, the kids' snack is in the refrigerator, their schedules are written here, they can watch TV but don't leave them unattended for too long and for no, but NO, reason do you let them take a nap. If they sleep their sleep cycle will be a disaster later.

Jace: Bro, relax, everything's going to be okay.

*Magnus in the other room*

Magnus: Okay. Let's go over it.

Rafael: Lunch at 1, snack at 3:30 and dinner when you return. Not eating anything Uncle Jace cooks, not leaving the house to hunt demons even if he says it's safe, and we can't play jumping on the furniture or walls either. We can't do dangerous spells that involve...

Max: I know! I know!

Rafael: But I'm saying it!

Magnus: Let him say one part, go ahead Blueberry.

Max: I can't do spells that involve: fire, breaking things even if they are small, summoning animals that do tsss, or psss, or ksss *putting hands in the shape of little claws*, levitating or summoning demons.

Rafael: We also can't listen to Uncle Jace if he has a new idea about a spell we've never done before.

Magnus: Very good! I am so proud of my little sweets, and what do we do if there is an emergency and daddy or Bapa can't come help?

Both: Call Aunty Catarina and Aunty Clary to save Uncle Jace.

[audoldends]

kindly reminder that during their first date, magnus didn't remember jace's name and alec was like "oh, i'm... i'm alec" because he thought, since he didn't remember jace's, magnus wouldn't remember his name either. little did he know magnus was already a little in too deep. little did he know magnus found him more precious than anyone else.

(he then had the biggest smile on his face when magnus told he remembered his name)

[audoldends]

Alec Lightwood - King of Sass 👑

Updated sassy quotes master post!

Now includes “A Tale of Brunch” and The Lost Book of the White

Son of the Dawn

I’m Alexander Lightwood. I’m basically twelve. 

Not for Humans

Stop this pointless flirting, or I will bash my head through this pastry case. 

City of Bones

*muttering* Fucking asshole. 

I kind of doubt he sent a ravener demon to her house because he wants to “get back together.” 

Magnus: Am I in trouble with the Clave? Jace: No. Alec: Probably not. 

Alec: But you said there wasn’t much demonic activity—you said the levels were low! Jace: they were low! Alec: your version of low must be different than mine! 

Alec: I should’ve guessed you were Jace’s sister. You both have the same artistic talent. Clary: Jace can draw? Alec: Nah. I was just kidding. He can’t draw a straight line. 

Kissed

Izzy. My sister. She told me you liked me. Liked me, liked me. 

City of Ashes 

Alec: Just because you said dragons demons were extinct—Jace: I said mostly extinct. Alec: Mostly extinct is NOT EXTINCT ENOUGH 

Jace: what’s that on your neck? Alec: what? Jace: looks like a bite mark. What have you been doing all day anyway? Alec: Nothing. I went walking in the park. Tried to clear my head. Jace: and ran into a vampire? Alec: what? No! I fell. Jace: on your neck?

The Course of True Love (and First Dates)

Alec: oh, this is a real emergency? I figured it was one of those things where you arranged to have a friend call you so that you could get out of a sucky date. Magnus: Ha ha. I didn’t know people did that. Alec: uh huh. 

I have no idea what I’m doing and you’re, um, glamourous. 

What to Buy the Shadowhunter Who Has Everything 

Raphael: Aren’t you twelve? I distinctly recall you being twelve. Alec: uh, that was a while ago. 

City of Glass

Magnus: you’re an idiot. Alec: Is that why you haven’t called me? Because I’m an idiot? 

The Red Scrolls of Magic

I’m going to pass on the beret. Again. But thanks. 

Look, that one is…Dave…the Hunter…and that one is the…Frog, and…the Helicopter. I don’t know constellations, sorry. 

Alec: What sort of stuff? Magnus: whatever it was we wanted. Massage our feet, run naked through the village square, throw rotten eggs at members of the clergy. You know, normal things joke cults do. Alec: Sure, normal things. 

Magnus: are you all right? Alec: *sliding off the side of a train* all going according to plan!

Magnus: ah, Venice. There is no city in the world like you. Alec: it’s a bit smelly. Magnus: that’s the ambiance. Alec: well the ambiance is pretty strong. 

Dryad: ix-nay on the adowhunter-shay. The adowhunter-shay is right there and he can ear-hay ou-yay! Alec: yeah, I’ve also cracked your secret code language. 

Lily: oh, right, you’re Magnus’s latest disaster. That’s what Raphael calls you. I’m Lily. Alec: didn’t realize Raphael and I were on pet name terms. 

Lily: I’ve decided I detest you. Alec: It’s mutual. 

Alec: I’m just here to have a good time. Helen: In the subbasement of a former cult headquarters, during a downworlder party full of miscreants, armed with a seraph blade? Alec: that isn’t your idea of a good time? 

Alec: there’s a manufacturer’s sticker here. Someone bought this in a souvenir shop. If this thing is magical, then I’m the Angel Raziel. Magnus: The shadowhunters really wouldn’t approve of me dating the Angel Raziel. Alec: But they’d have to be nice to you or I would smite them. 

Magnus: you have to lift your left foot as you’re applying gas with your right foot. Alec: oh no. I have to move both feet at the same time. How can I possibly handle such demands of my agility. 

Magnus: don’t bother with the map. All roads lead to Rome. Alec: the map definitely doesn’t agree. 

Shinyun: I’m leaving. Alec: Like, forever? 

The thing is, Jace is a beautiful antelope who has to be free to run across the plains. 

Aline: Helen, are you all right? Helen: I am. Are you all right? Alec: I’m fine. Not that anyone asked. 

Shinyun: are you suggesting that I should date Magnus? Alec: You tried to stab him, so obviously not. 

Magnus, I’ve been waiting for this for so long. If we don’t do this literally right now, I will jump out the window. 

City of Fallen Angels

Isabelle: here, look at this. Does anything strike you as odd? Alec: you mean besides the fact that no band promoter could possibly be interested in Lewis’s sucky band?

Next time fall in love with an insurance adjuster. 

City of Lost Souls

Magnus: she wasn’t very pleasant the last time I saw her. Of course that could be because I’ve got an eighteen-year-old boyfriend with a stamina rune and she doesn’t. Alec: as the person being objectified, I…object to that description of me. 

The only way you could raise enough money to hire Magnus by selling lemonade is if you put meth in it. 

… If you keep preventing me from from going back to my room and getting dressed, I’ll get Magnus to summon up pixies to tie your hair in knots. 

Alec: I was walking around. Magnus: around where? Alec: places. You know. Mysterious places. 

Simon: I hope you told him you were bitten by a gay spider. Alec: I’ve read Magnus’s stash of comics so I actually know what you’re talking about. So would that give me the proportional gayness of spider? Magnus: only if it was a really gay spider. Alec: *punches magnus in the arm* 

City of Heavenly Fire

Jace: you’re pining. Alec: look who’s talking. ‘oh she’s my sister. Oh I love her. Oh why why why—‘

Emma: do you worry about him? Alec: all the time. Jace could get himself killed putting his pants on in the morning. 

Jace: simon, you’re blushing, and you’re a vampire and almost never blush, so this better be really juicy. And weird. Were bicycles involved in some kinky way? Vacuum cleaners? Umbrellas? Alec: big umbrellas, or the little kind you get with drinks? 

Alec: I did not make a pie for three reasons: one, because I do not have any pie ingredients. two, because I don’t actually know how to make a pie. Jace: and three? Alec: because I am not your bitch.

I just want you to know, that I realize that to you vampires, this feeding business sometimes equals sexy times. My sister may have told me more than I wanted to know. anyway, my point is that I’m not attracted to you in the slightest. 

Jace: walk of shame, boys? Alec: it wasn’t sexy. Simon: it was a little sexy. Alec: it wasn’t. Simon: I had some feelings. Alec: do feel free to agonize about it on your own time. 

WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING? WHY CAN’T YOU GO SOMEWHERE ELSE TO DO THESE HORRIBLE THINGS? MY EYES

Straight people. Why can’t they control themselves? 

Jace: I grew on you though. Alec: Eventually. Like moss, or a skin disease. 

There’s a hot silent brother’s calendar? Do they sell it?

Born to Endless Night

Alec: you know he bit that mundie on purpose. Lily: it could have been an accident. Alec: oh, it could’ve been his seventeenth accident? 

Y DO U SAY THINGS R XTINCT WHEN THINGS R NOT XTINCT

Y R U THE WAY THAT U R 

Simon: so you don’t hate me, and you don’t hate clary. You don’t hate anyone. Alec: I hate people forcing me to talk about my feelings. 

A Tale of Brunch

Clary: Yeah, what gives? I thought Williamsburg was all, you know, illegal art galleries in abandoned factories. I thought that’s why you lived here. Magnus: When you were children it was like that, a little. Now it’s all high-rises and artisanal dog bakeries. Alec: Do the dogs run the bakeries? Alec: Did Lily show up? Maia: Alec. Vampires don’t each brunch. Alec: why not? brunch is great.  Alec: They’ll send Leon Verlac from Paris and he’ll try to seduce everyone. Man, woman, faery who looks like an anthropomorphic plant. Everyone. Simon: That’s oddly specific. Alec: I have a very specific recurring nightmare. 

The Lost Book of the White

Alec: Uh, hi. I’m home. Please don’t shoot me with magical rays.  Magnus: you usually use the door. Alec: sometimes I like a change of pace.  Magnus: *opens portal from living room to Max’s room* Alec: Sure, that seems much easier than just walking down the hall.  Ah, the institute has a very old magic woven into its walls. I shall now use it to commune with my mother, wherever she might be found. MOOOOOOOOOOM!  Hey, they who don’t do well in stop-and-go traffic, also serve the Angel.  Alec: we’re not here to interfere with the way you do your Shadowhunting. Tian: do you say that in English? ‘Shadowhunting’? Isabelle:  no, no one says that. Alec: well, maybe we should start . Jace: can’t sleep either? Alec: what are you mooning around about? I’m the one whose boyfriend has a big magical X carved into his chest by a crazy person.  We have a very annoying blood sommelier to meet with.  Magnus, do you think maybe I have brain damage?  Alec: that doesn’t seem so bad. Magnus: until the power overwhelms them, and they either die or are stabbed three times by the thorn and become the willing lackey of the demon who rules the realm. Alec: that’s seems pretty bad.  Alec: *kissing Magnus in Diyu* Jace: not the time! Alec: always the time. Just working to keep up morale!  Yes, Shinyun is clearly deranged.  You two get out of here before my brotherly instincts kick in. 

Thanks. Now I’m prepared just in case my sword suddenly turns into a dude.  Alec: cozy. Do you think you could summon some comfy blankets? Magnus: from where, exactly? I got rice and water from offerings to the dead, but the pickings are slim down here for luxury items. Alec: the…Hell of Comfy Blankets?  Magnus: we have no idea what it would do. What it would mean for you To take some of this weird magic. It’s connected to Sammael somehow, and you’re full of, you know, angel magic. You might explode. Alec: i probably wouldn’t explode.  Alec: if we put the rune on and something goes wrong, we’ll scratch it out. It’ll be fine. Magnus: I have to give on this because I said ‘it’ll be fine’ about the bait thing and you agreed, right? Alec: there are some who would consider that a valid argument, yes.  But you used your sumptuous brains and you’re all okay! Take that, pessimism guy!  Tian: you must understand how much of an inspiration you are. Your family—the two of your and your son—just by existing, by being so prominent in the Clave, you are doing much. Your family—if the Clave is to survive, that is their future. It must be.  Alec: no pressure, though.  Alec: have you told Isabelle and Simon yet? Jace: we went to Isabelle’s room, but they seem to be, uh, busy.  Alec: that’s my sister. I didn’t need to know that. Clary: at least you didn’t have to hear it.  Alec: dear God, I am removing myself and my baby from this conversation. 

The Land I Lost

Max: hate you, daddy. Alec: that’s a shame. I love you both. 

[listening to Simon’s band] Clary: this is fine. Alec: this is terrible. Let’s go for tacos. 

My man would eat you for breakfast!

Maybe take them alive! Not that [dead] guy, obviously. 

Alec: solomillo– Lily: steak? Alec: dammit 

Alec: I don’t suppose you have any ideas for how I can explain all this to magnus? Jem: I think you’ll find all the words you need, Alec. Alec: thanks, that’s very helpful. 

Lord of Shadows

Magnus: Alec, we have kind of an emergency here. Alec: small children who are awake are also an emergency. I’m just saying. 

Alec: sleep. Adorno. Christina: that means ornament. Not sleep. Alec: *sighs*

Kit: Jace isn’t much like you. Alec: that’s an understatement. 

zara: well wouldn’t that be better? Then you could get old and die at the same time. Alec: at the same time? How would you suggest we arrange that? Jump off a cliff together when one of us started feeling sickly?

I expect you meant to be rude and cruel, but I doubt you meant to sound stupid as well. 

Because he’s three thousand times the human you’ll ever be. Now get out of here before I risk his life by waking him up so he can turn you into a garbage fire. Something that would match your personality. 

Queen of Air and Darkness

isabelle: has anyone ever tried ketchup on a s’mores? alec: this is why you’re a bad cook. You actually like disgusting food. It’s not, like, an accident. 

Emma: have you ever wanted a really big tapestry of yourself?Alec: why? do you have one?

You know, vampires are really good at taking down a person without killing them. Just grab a person, drink enough blood, and voila. 

horace: this is a serious matter, not a game for children. Julian: no one said this was a game, dearborn. Nor are we children.alec: I’m certainly not. 

zara: and we found their bloodstained clothes. We know [jace and clary] are dead. alec: people drop jackets sometimes, zara. 

zara: if those who died on the field could have voted, Alec Lightwood never would have won! alec: I will work toward your rehabilitation, zara. 

A Love That Never Tires

Jace: in another life, I could have been a surfer. alec: you would have spent all your time jumping off the board and punching sharks. That’s not really surfing. 

alec: are you alseep? jace: I’m not asleep. I’m thinking. alec: ah. Difficult is it?

[audoldends]

did a sims 4 toddler challenge irl today (took care of 8 toddlers alone for 3 hours and then another 5 hours 4 toddlers). manageable but do not recommend

[audoldends]

This is all exactly what it’s like to have a one year old.

[audoldends]

alec lightwood, demon hunter and future consul, is scared of little spiders 

[audoldends]

I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START THIS PAGE IS PERFECT AND I LOVE THE TMI GANG EVEN MORE NOW AND I DIDN’T THINK THAT WAS POSSIBLE

[audoldends]

Tag yourself, I'm Jace

[audoldends]

Magnus: *is elegant* Alec: *loves Magnus* Magnus: *is awkward* Alec: *loves Magnus intensely*

[audoldends]

Let’s talk about this scene in TDA, shall we?

(I already put it in the tags but I’m saying it again: it will become a tlbotw post after the screenshots so be warned)

When Emma and Julian tell our Malec about Thule!Malec this happens:

Magnus’ outburst seems a bit out of place here. Magnus rarely looses is cool, especially around others, and here he’s grabbing him and shaking him and he looks furious, in front of people he barely knows. That’s a lot unlike him, he never does it even in extremely dangerous situations when he should be definitely more scared. There is nothing happening that threatens Alec’s life right now and nothing that suggests Alec would do something like that in their world.

I mean, there are no kids in the other world obviously, so that makes things different. And as Jace says in Forever Fallen, Alec killed himself undoubtedly for Magnus but because he wanted to take the secrets of the revolution with him, as well. That’s why Sebastian is angry when he finds out he’s dead.

None of that applies to their universe, it’s not that concerning.

So why Magnus is so angry? He should know his Alec wouldn’t do something like that, right?

Wrong!

Because when they discuss about this, the Lost Book of the White already happened, and that mean that this already happened.

Magnus knows that this is something his Alec would 100% do, because his Alec already did it.

Alec didn’t know he was going to survive that, he is surprised when he finds out he survived. And when this happens, they already have Max.

That’s why Magnus is so horrified of what they tell him. It isn’t another Alec in an extreme situation making a circumstancial choice. It’s Alec being Alec, in each and every universe, including their own.

And it makes him understand that this is ingrained in Alec’s nature, and that makes it so much scary, and he has to make him swear Alec understood he can’t just keep doing this, he needs to be reassured on the fact that this is not going to happen again, ever.

And it makes him reminesce about what could most likely be one of the worst moment of his life.

That’s why he freaks out like this, even if he usually brushes off scary thoughts and stressful and even life and death situations with sarcasm and funny comments.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk 💙

[audoldends]

“Look how the curves of each blade are identical,” he said. “The skill of these smiths is unparalleled anywhere in China.”

“Would you say those are qiang or mao?” Jace said.

Tian looked surprised. “Maybe mao? But you’d have to ask the smiths. You know Chinese weapons?”

“Jace knows all the weapons,” said Clary in a long-suffering tone, but she smiled.

Cassandra Clare, The Lost Book of the White