atomicspypastaprune

[atomicspypastaprune]

The pain of seeing someone you love voluntary hurting themselves is pure pain the pain seeing you first loved slitting his own wrist the pain of seeing your mothers addictions get worse the pain of being in pain and no one caring but you care about everyone else that's pain caring about these people hurts, being in pain them not caring

That is pain

[atomicspypastaprune]

This all started august of 2017 I meet a guy whom I thought for a long time was the love of my life he is a tall pale ginger who looked mean but can be the nicest guy you'll know and I'm short pale brunette we seemed like the prefect couple but before I get ahead of myself let me tell you how we meet it was too early in the morning to even deal with what was about to happen him and his cousin (they both shall not be named) they would not stop kicking the seat they were sitting behind my childhood friend of mine that is how we first met to be honest I hated him with a passion I cannot remember how exactly we became friends the four of us but we did very soon and right after we all became friends that's when I started to have feelings for him I was able to hold it in all that year but over the summer got worse I couldn't take it anymore I texted him at 6 something in the morning one day I wanted to tell him so bad but I couldn't find the words to or the courage so it stayed a secret till October of last year I finally told him then one day I was talking to my old friend Gary he asked me who I liked I have a knot in my head towards him then Gary got up to tell him I kept telling him that he already knew he didn't care that very day I got a text from him (the boy I liked) and what it said in a nutshell is that he liked me to then we started dating it was a great first three days but I don't know what was wrong with me so I told him that it was too weird dating my friend 3 days later I regret it so severely I told him about it and he took me back that lasted 3 months I was one of the best 3 months of my life then on my birthday he decided to tell me he was gay which I had zero problem with him being gay it's the fact that he didn't care enough about me that he didn't my birthday and that he did it over text that hurt so much I couldn't handle the thought that he didn't even like my gender anymore so I made the worst mistake of my life I made a fake instagram account pretending to be some boy whom was gay words cannot describe how horrible I feel for doing that I didn't know that is affecting him that much later on April first I was told that he was wasn't gay he just thought he was then when he told me he thought that I would be so angry I wasn't I didn't care I thought I was over him I really wasn't because after I got home that day I cried and cried but one day he was acting very strange he was stroking my hair then he hugged me before we went our separate ways and as I was walking away I was talking to him I said why did you hug me that's weird we haven't done that since we dated then he reply yeah I know then I said text me whenever you get home so we texted and he told me to call him so I did and he told me that he did have feelings for me again I didn't know how I feel so I'm not thinking about the lack of care had for me I just blurted out yes and I wish I didn't but it's a good thing I did he met my whole family doing this time and then he told me that he knew about the account I made I never been so hurt I felt horrible I felt used because if he knew before he dated me then why would he date me was it just to get back at me something about that idea made perfect sense and it still does but after you broke up with me I had a lot of time to think and I realized a lot of things about me and I've never been happier but lately I miss the idea of him

[atomicspypastaprune]

I'm just a mistake something to be replaced

I dont belong in this place I'm something to be erased