astsalynn - Tumblr blog

[astsalynn]

catch me only use tumblr for davekat fic recommendation lists

[astsalynn]

hey

uh

nobody cares

but uh

im writing a couple a fics

ive got one bughead (150 views thANK YOU)

and a lams (47 THANK YOU)

uh

check em out

my username is astsalynn

[astsalynn]

Title

missing

[astsalynn]

UH

i just found the term akiosexual

and i thought i was gray ace cos there was no better word

and i  hate being one of those people with really crazy specific sexualities

but as of right now

im a nonbinary askiosexual gynosexual person

but all that means is im just someone who goes by ‘they’ and gets turned on but doesnt want sex and i like girls

do u SEE what i mean???

[astsalynn]

oof

i dont really talk about this

this is more of a call out to myself

lots of triggers, honestly

just skip this one if you are looking for memes.

its the mental health autobiography nobody asked for.

i’ve had anorexia for the past 8-9 months. i would skip breakfast, throw away lunch. i had to eat dinner because my family. ive only gotten away with skipping dinner once. and it hurts me to say that because i still look at it as an accomplishment.

it wasnt about losing weight.

it was about not being a waste.

of food. water.

it was another way to punish myself, ganging up with the self-harm that had already stuck itself in my brain.

then it got worse.

not being a waste of space. air.

im eating lunch most of the times. i usually dont eat anything for breakfast.

i used to not understand why people would have bulimia.

i understand now.

i dont have it. but more and more often, ill look at the toilet, and think of all the pros and cons, pros usually outweighing the cons.

but i dont do it.

i know how bad eating disorders get

so i try not to

i begun to think suicidally.

a friend talked me out of it, twice. 

i began to get more addicted to cutting.

i had three years ago, i got better.

then i relapsed, and it was three times as bad. at least.

i had a friend i would talk to, and we thought we were helping each other, but i think we accidentally made it worse

which is one of the many reasons i find it hard to trust people

i dont trust compliments because i used to get bullied for my appearence. (im average, honestly. i get called pretty a lot. sshe would make fun of like, my unnaturally pale skin, or something like that. im norwegian because of my dad, but my mom and brother are tan, mexican)

before i was bullied, i was friends with the girl who became the bully

she excluded me a lot, which is why i hate any kind of exclusion now, and its why im clingy, i dont want people to have the oppurtunity to exclude me

around the time from when i was 4-5 ish to 9, my parents split. the only constant in my life became my younger brother. we lived with my mother and could choose to see our dad on weekends. i didnt. that ruined our relationship for forever. anywya. we were kind of poor. living in a pretty ghetto apartment/area, and going to a ghetto school. we would have those cheap pizzas almost every night, and we had no bedtime, or requirement to do homework. not much stability at all really. one night, we had oreo-yogurt, apple sauce, and crackers for dinner. i thought it was all cool. i was a kid.

ill give that to my mom; we ate every night, even if it was comprised of snacks.

we got free lunches from school and almost never ate breakfast, we were late every day because of lack of stability.

to sum all that up; in the most influential part of our lives, we were raised to not be a burdon, not to take anything you didnt need, and to never really spend money because there wasnt much.

but for some reason, i do the opposite.

im clingy.

i stay for too long.

and i spend all my money at once

i think its all in spite. i think thats a big reason why the whole anorexia.

my mom got pregnant with another mans baby when i was 9. the other man went to jail. the baby currently is older, and doesnt know about his real dad. we dont plan on telling him. we’re going to change his last name. he thinks my dad is his. neither of my parents have brown eyes, but he does.

my dad raises him with my mom, basically. so, tension.

my parents got back together when i was ten.

the mental problems ive all gained steadily ffrom when i was 11

i used to be stoked that my parents got back together.

now they fight a lot.

my brother and i complained to them about it, and they talked about how when their parents fought, it meant blood.

we are just sick of the yelling.

last week they were screaming about a phone charger.

advice tells me it isnt really about the phone charger.

we are going better finacially with my dad.

we’re still low-medium middle class.

but other people have it worse.

so my problems feel insignificant.

i met my first good friend when i was 11. 

long story short.

i dont see him much anymore.

it hurts.

i recently spent the night at my moms friends house

they were so stable

so nice

so not broken

i cried. 

i couldnt help it.

ill never have that.

theres more. but im not going to be so specific with the whole ass internet

dm me if you want

thanks for listening folks

[astsalynn]

hello

just wanted to say, i can relate with u

my anoexia is/was (im in a state of recovery, finally :)) not about losing weight per say, (although i was sickly satisfied with the results), but at the time i was self harming and suicidal (again, i am recovering) and it was about how i didn’t deserve food, or like, even air. its hard to explain, but it wasnt about my image as much as it was just not wanting to be a waste of anything. just tonight realized this is a direct product of the environment i was raised in, actually.

hope you can find a reason to recover, that was the hard bit for me (though it might be different for you)

<3

I’m genuinely curious.

I’d like to preface this by saying if you’re sensitive to topic of disorderd eating then please scroll past this.

.

But it seems like the first thing any person thinks of when they hear the words “eating disorder” or “anorexic” or “bulimic” is someone who is deathly afraid of gaining weight.

.

And while they may be true for a majority, I genuinely don’t know and we all experience this differently, I’m just so curious to if there’s anyone out there like myself who couldn’t care less about the weight loss.

.

I won’t pretend my distorted mind doesn’t feel justified when the numbers drop. But it’s not about that. Or even weight. Or control. I don’t know what it’s about. I really don’t and it bothers me. I feel so alone and I feel invalidated because I don’t fit the common criteria. And I know that’s not fair because, again, this is a disease we all experience differently.

.

But how am I supposed to get better when I don’t even know what this is about in the first place?

[astsalynn]

I have a problem am need help if your crush is someone you've been watching from a distance how do you establish a good relationship

um i suggest that you be like, 

“hey! i know we dont talk but i think ur cool and we should hang out!”

be friends with them for a couple weeks

then be like “hey, ur cute, give me a shot?”

or if u already have a chill relationship, just skip to the “hey ur cute,” bit and say “no hard feelings if no” afterwards and if they say no, DONT LET THERE BE AN AWKWARD SILENCE!! thats detrimental

[astsalynn]

also happened

Laurens: (looking through closet) hmm i have some great jeans, i still need a top tho hmm

Alex: you called?

Laurens: way to come out of the closet

[astsalynn]

A Lams conversation that definietly happened

Laurens: Alex? Why did you send me a link to a doc named 'of'?

Alex: it's a link to my formal autobiographical will. its supposed to be named 'oof'

Laurens: oof?? alex, thats one letter.

Laurens: alex

Laurens: aleX

Alex: shh. i didnt have the energy

[astsalynn]

Now that I’m a Library Clerk, I am becoming more aware of what books are popular in my community. And apparently Amish Romance is a genre? Like every day I have to check in or out an Amish Romance. Just last week. We were registering a new member and her first question was where do we keep the Amish Romances. Our answer was we don’t keep them separate them as their own section but you can find a lot in the Romance Paperbacks.

[astsalynn]

it was a blue washy watercolor cover,

and all i remember was it was about a girl on a farm who had to walk a really long way to school i think she was a poc , maybe native american, something to do with birds.

it was a really old book. good luck.

can’t find the name of an old book? reblog w/ a description to ask tumblr for help

[astsalynn]

i already knew some of this but jeezus

the last oone

i like the sistine chapel ceiling a lot better now that i know it was painted by a gay man who was motivated entirely by spite

[astsalynn]

undefined

its saturday rb saturday shorts [yt]

[astsalynn]

[astsalynn]

my favorite game is spelling everything as crazily as i can with the same pronunciation as the original word

for example:

cat

kaughiieeoughtte 

[astsalynn]

there’s another half to the photo but it has my last name and i////// hope im not that dumb

guess who’s bacl from hiatus with a new shitty profile picture because i literally cannot draw;

[astsalynn]

guess who’s bacl from hiatus with a new shitty profile picture because i literally cannot draw;