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[astridthesock-blog]

the struggle is real though and i kinda need help (;

ok, so.. i am a teenage girl from norway and i am litterally so fricking confused right now. there is so much on my mind and i really just need a place to dump it all.

let’s get straight to it - i have a crush. actually it’s my first crush, and it’s in a GIRL. like i have always, or not always but until i were in 6th (ish) grade, thought i was straight, like don’t we all? i didn’t even know there was an option in liking girls, maybe that’s why. but as you probably figured out, i have never been in a relationship and never had a crush.. until now. again, i’m crushing on a girl!

but i don’t know if i’m lesbian, bisexual, pansexual or just confused. what if it’s really not a crush at all and i’m just tricking myself in some kind of way? what if it’s not real? although at the same time it feels so unbearably real. but it’s still only my first crush, but since the 6th grade (as i mentioned) i have been questioning and kind of looking more at girls, even if i didn’t really understand i was doing it.

the girl i’m crushing on, let’s call her maya. she’s my best friend, or at least one of them. i’ve been crushing on her since october/november and well, you know how a crush is, i’ve been pretty obsessed and we always have fun together and have a lot to talk about. in december, she asked me after school if she could talk to me privately, so we sat down in an «empty» room. she kinda just told me she was bi. and like, i didn’t know what to say. of course i’m accepting of the lgbtq+ community, my family and i have always been, so i said i was proud of her for coming out and that i wouldn’t treat her any differently and so on. we were of course very happy, and at some point she started crying a little (;

the thing is, that maya also told me that she has a crush.. on a girl.. and you will never guess who she’s crushing on.. well, she’s crushing on my OTHER best friend, we’ll call her aurora. i was like, in shock and kinda sad, though i didn’t show her, cause i obviously was happy for her too. after that i went home and cried, heheh. because at first, since she came out as bi, i thought i could actually have a chance with her, but then she tells me she has a crush on aurora. like i was crushed (haha i thought that was funny teehee).

wait, there’s more (sadly).. this christmas they hung out and maya told aurora she liked her, and that she was bisexual. aurora said she didn’t like her back but she was really accepting and proud of her and that she still wanted to be friends. the reason i know this is because they both came to me on snap afterwards to tell me everything and like get it out, cause i’m their best friend! after that i got my hopes a little up, which was a mistake.

because the second day of school in 2020, aurora messaged maya (they go to different schools, i go with maya but not with aurora) and told her that she actually had a crush on her too but she was in shock and afraid when maya first told her. she also came out as bi, and i was, once again, crushed, but happy for them. aurora wasn’t ready to be in a relationship but i’ve talked to her, she’s just nervous and a little afraid although they’re both crushing HARD. it’s litterally all maya talks about, and i try to not get hurt, because what else could i do? of course i’m happy for them, but it kinda ruins it for me, ya know? some days later she came out to the others in the friend group, and ANOTHER girl came out as bi. i trust them all, so i know they’re not lying, but that makes it so nuch harder for me.

i don’t want to like «steal their spotlight» because i’m confused about my sexuality and think i’m lesbian. although i don’t know yet, how can i be sure? it changes my whole life and who i’ll become. i want to talk to someone about this, but my options are VERY limited, so i chose to dump it all here. if you read all of this, you deserve an applause, and please, PLEASE give me some advice, i would really appreciate it. thanku!