astorkinncys-blog

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( bex, twenty one, they / them ) WAIT, IS THAT zoey deutch  WALKING THE STREETS OF PARIS ? OH NEVER MIND, THAT’S JUST astor kinney, THE TWENTY TWO YEAR OLD WHO’S KNOWN AROUND PARIS AS the demure ! I’VE HEARD THAT THEY’RE PRETTY soft BUT ALSO PRETTY melancholic. I WONDER HOW THEY LIVE UP TO THEIR EPITHET ?

death tw

her father was a professor at harvard, her mother was a socialite. they were the picture perfect couple. they married while he was in grad school, she was finishing up her own degree. nearly a year later, they had their first and only son, collin, and three years later, their daughter, astor. both of their children were their prides and joys.

astor grew up quiet, not like her brother. he was the golden boy. he was smile and charm, while she was blushes and ducked gazes. she kept her nose in a book, while he could chat up the room. but still, he was her best friend. he’d take her hand and lead her wherever, no matter how scared she was. so long as colin was there, she knew she was safe.

she was the spitting image of her mother, who wanted her to be a picture perfect match. she did ballet and other dance. she learned how to bake ( not because it was feminine, but because everyone should be able to cook and provide for themself ). she was quiet and soft. she was a good child.

in school, she flourished in art classes. she loved art class. it was her favorite. she would check out art history books from the library. she put prints of her favorite paintings on her binders. she was talented with pencils and pastels herself. from when she was twelve, she knew it was what she was destined to do.

when her brother was a junior in college, he passed away. she blamed herself ( though, it was never her fault ) and she has missed him every day since. from that point on, she tried to be a little bolder, a little more like him. he wouldn’t have wanted her to be quiet. he would have wanted her to find her voice.

and so she tried. it was hard. her heart was a butterfly in her chest with every new thing, with every time she spoke up, but she had to do it. for collin. her parents were surprised at her noisiness. she started speaking up at dinner, she played music a little too loudly in her room. she was being someone she wasn’t, but it wasn’t all bad. she liked going out with her friends, she liked laughing until her stomach hurt, even if it was a little too loud to be considered polite.

little things started her change, but really she’s on a trajectory steeper than ever before. she is in paris for an art fellowship at the sorbonne. it’s magnificent. it’s all she’s ever wanted. her flat overlooks the seine and she’s living her best life. really, she never imagined herself elsewhere. but she didn’t imagine the parties and friends and fun. it’s not what she dreamed but maybe it’s better.

anyways astor is ... a bit of a contradiction. around her parents and their friends and people she like those she grew up around, she’s quiet and smiles and softness. she knows her place. she knows how to be quiet. but on the flip side, she’s a little wild. she doesn’t know how to set limits. she’s pushing barriers she was bound by before. it’s not the greatest, but she thinks she’s living life to the fullest. she needs a reality check.

wanted connections

give my girl a girlfriend pls thank u

someone who doesn’t like her bullshit dual personality. someone who thinks she’s not being real. someone who calls her fake and a liar. i don’t think astor would react well to it and i kind of love that idea ?

best friend ??? i think she needs a friend. someone she doesn’t pretend around. someone she isn’t too wild, someone she isn’t too quiet around. they see astor. they get her. that’s al she wants.

someone who is a fair weather friend. they explore paris together and can have fun and go to parties but when it comes down to it, they would never be there for each other. they’re not close. they don’t see each other as anything more than just temporary friends.

bad influence ?? someone who is just .. bad influence. they party and do dumb shit. it’s fun and reckless and wild.

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I’m that kind of person who keeps letters and birthday cards, tickets from trains, parks or museums.

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important : throw sunshine, not shade

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“you’re so sweet!” thank you i have abandonment issues

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She was a very Lonely Person, but not many people really knew that.

C.B - I’ll write a book one day (via sinful-cravings)

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Selva Negra

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by @lesnympheas

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Her gaze became dreamy, preoccupied, a little vacant.

Clarice Lispector, from “An Apprenticeship, or, The Book of Delights,” (via violentwavesofemotion)

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sits with my headphones on for twenty minutes with no music on because I keep getting too distracted to actually hit play

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