asteriatr

[asteriatr]

— Franz Kafka // Richard Siken

[asteriatr]

bitch this is all you’re gonna get. this life, this face, this body. you better not ‘maybe in another universe’ your way out of everything. sit your ass down and face this. go make tea and have a picnic and read a goddamn book. kiss your loved ones, send that damn text, and hug your siblings. this is all you’re gonna get.

[asteriatr]

My boyfriend is kind and nice. But he’s quite carefree. Or maybe I’m just too good at hiding my feelings. I kinda wish he could see through my lies when I say I’m fine as tears rolling down my cheeks. But at the same time, I’m afraid he’s gonna be scared of how fucked up and exhausting my mind is, then choose to leave.

[asteriatr]

I thought after I cut my hair, my negative feelings will also be taken away, like usual. I don’t like catching myself crying when it’s not close to my period, because then I’d have nothing to blame on. If I see a therapist though, how would I explain the source of my depression when I myself already forgot how it started. It’s just there, coming back and forth like the waves every night, drowning me every time.

[asteriatr]

I hope you understand, I can choose to leave even when I love you, even when it breaks me into million pieces. And so can you. And we will both carry on with life at one point as if us never happened

Cuộc đời, đáng buồn nhất là khi bạn gặp được một người rất đặc biệt, nhưng lại hiểu rằng không thể nào mãi mãi ở bên người ấy. Không sớm thì muộn, bạn cũng buộc phải buông tay.

[asteriatr]

Sợ rằng một ngày anh chọn rời đi

“Do cảm xúc tồi tệ của em nhiều quá nên chẳng trách anh không cứu rỗi được em.”

Nguồn: xhs - 废柴大叔

Giải Ưu - 解憂dịch

[asteriatr]

It is difficult to love someone when I myself am battling the demons inside me. I don’t know if it turns me into a hypocrite or do I just have attachment issues. One moment I want to see them so bad then the next I’d be sitting in the parking lot at their place, wanting to leave and self isolate instead of going inside. Maybe I’m just scared of my own feelings and of being abandoned. Maybe I’m just greedy, I want them to actually love me for myself and not just because I am nice or I care for them. These fears are shutting me down. I can feel my depression slowly creeping up on me again also and I’m trying to push it back. I don’t want to fall back down that road. I have to keep reminding myself I love myself. Is it normal that I also have to remind myself that I love him?

[asteriatr]

You could never love me the way I want to be loved. I’m just defending you and getting disappointed over and over again. Have you ever gone out of your way to do something for me? Do you even love me? I hope I’ll find out soon, before these thoughts break me into pieces.

[asteriatr]

You asked me why I was crying, I said I don’t know. I told myself to let our days be peaceful and gentle, which means I shouldn’t pour my whole heart in. But I caught myself in a sudden glimpse of my fear. I started to feel anxious, “what if my future doesn’t have you? What if 10 years from now, you’re just another memory?” And now I’m crying alone at 8am. That’s when I know it’s bad. Maybe you won’t be just another memory, maybe you’ll be the pain in my heart that keeps aching years after years after years. After all, you are my first memories of everything.

[asteriatr]

Có lẽ chúng ta sẽ chẳng bao giờ gặp lại nữa. Thà như vậy hơn là nhìn thấy sự thay đổi trong nhau

"Một ngày nào đó, bạn sẽ nhận ra có vài người bạn sẽ chẳng bao giờ gặp nữa. Hoặc có gặp cũng chẳng còn như xưa."

[asteriatr]

It’s crazy how we went from being each other’s password, daily calls, 28 new texts, saving-up-for-business-and-house partner, and sworn to be bridesmaid, to ignoring each other’s birthday. I think I understand that bit of life changes and people leave. But still, it hurts.

[asteriatr]

He said I hurt his feelings like mine were never broken first. And yet here I am again, apologizing to thin air. Hoping you’ll emerge once more, but also hoping that you’ll never come back here. You’re not a book, I can’t keep rereading. Thought I was all better till I realized I only stopped crying because we talked again. We should have kept us buried, even if the pain is carved on the cross.

[asteriatr]

“You don’t have to understand life, you just need to live it” - the midnight library

[asteriatr]

I was slowly becoming apathetic. I was worried I lost all my feelings. Seeing people died and still felt nothing. Until this boy showed up in my life and told me how kind and beautiful I am. He subtly laid the seeds of emotions back in my heart, so subtly I didn’t notice. And so that when he left, rains nurtured them blossoming back into life. These complicated emotions and feelings that once were forgotten, the pain that I once grew numb to, flooded back into my eyes. So I then got reminded of how tumultuous life is

[asteriatr]

I met a boy who I was just playing around with at the beginning, but then became my source of happiness. Then I lost him. He said I’m always welcome to talk to him anytime. But I was the one to end up blocking him, because I keep having such an urge to disturb his life. I’m sorry. I miss you baby

[asteriatr]

So I was just curious of what his answer was gonna be for our relationship. Then I got upset. Because I thought he liked me a 7/10 while I liked him a 5/10, turns out he liked me like a 4/10. Why am I even competing in this! What started out as simple fun and curiosity, turned into an irreversible mistake. Again and again these questions keep sneaking into our minds: how long is this gonna be and what’s gonna become of us? I don’t even see ourselves next month, let alone till our birthdays. I hope we just naturally drift apart like all my other friendships, like we just run out of topics and silently agree to stop talking. Quietly, peacefully, without dramas and unanswered questions like we did last time.

[asteriatr]

“Mạch thượng hoa khai, khả hoãn hoãn quy hỉ”

Mong là anh sẽ đến cùng dịu dàng, đừng nồng nhiệt và rầm rộ như vũ bão, em sợ haha.

Kiếp sau vẫn muốn làm một cây cổ thụ. Che chở những ai cần. Không tương tư, không vướng bận. Người đến người đi tuỳ duyên, không mong cầu, không níu kéo. Ung dung tự tại.