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the holy trinity: the father (fuck it we ball) the son (it is what it is) the holy spirit (to be cringe is to be free)

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In Armenian, when we want to say “damn you” or “go to hell”, we use the expressions "գրողը քեզ տանի" [groxy qez tani] or "գնա գրողի ծոցը" [gna (kori) groxi tsocy], which translate to “may the writer take you away” or “go and get lost in the writer’s embrace” in English. You might wonder, “Who is this writer-person?” and “Why is it considered a curse?”

According to traditional Armenian belief, Grox (the writer) is a spirit who records a person's deeds during their lifetime, determining the purity of their soul. This concept may be linked to Tir, the god of writing and literature in Armenian mythology. In some interpretations, it was believed that anyone whose name Tir wrote in his notebook would die. This is where the curse "may the writer take you" originates.

During the Christian era, Grox was mistakenly represented as a Christian spirit who no longer recorded human deeds but instead determined each person's fate, inscribing it on their foreheads. Over time, Grox came to be depicted as an evil spirit, sometimes identified with Satan. Thus, the curse "get lost in Grox’s embrace," which originally signified death, took on a more negative connotation. However, this was not originally characteristic of Grox in Armenian traditional beliefs.

So, if you want to get creative with your curses, instead of saying “go to hell,” you can use the phrase “get lost in the writer’s embrace”.

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What am I missing?

i. Fleabag, Phoebe Waller-Bridge / ii. i don't understand, @archbudzar / iii. Dog Bite, Stella Bridie / iv. Washing Machine Heart, Mitski

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the overwhelming feeling of sadness sometimes when someone treats me with kindness

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sam sifton, from the nyt “what to cook right now” newsletter

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To what extent do I feel what I feel, and to what extent are my feelings real? What emotions can I trust to be genuine: the one where i despise you or the one where i weep in your absence?

How can so many emotions exist side by side when all I want to feel is pure disdain, and not a thing more or less? How did you manage to root yourself to my deepest core? How did I allowed myself to rot from within? You have started to feel a lot like betrayal, a lot like treachery. Then how does love still manage to creep over my heart?

I often find myself fantasize about a meeting where I will look into your eyes, and you will feel pieces of you burn. one where my chest wouldn't feel so heavy and my heart wouldn't feel so hollow. Where you will get the things I want you to know, that I still haven't truly said. Things I am still struggling to comprehend.

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was playing "fetch" with the ocean today by tossing stones into it and watching them wash back up with the tide a few meters away, and it got me thinking about grief and the things we carry with us even after we lose them

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Sometimes james feels like a boy I could really love, like really love.

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on friends, who maybe want to be a little more than that

@fuckitloveu @mothicalspoken

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maybe if you had been made right, you would be better at being alone. if you'd assembled yourself out of the particulate, coagulating into amber and diamond - you'd be lovely and desirable. instead of pewter and hungry and anxious.

when she doesn't text you back, you should be normal about that. you should shrug and move on and get back to your beautiful life and your wonderful dog. when you wake up shaking, don't call her, don't beg for her attendance. if someone says i love you, aren't you supposed to feel warm and held and gentle. what is wrong with you that your first instinct is to reject: no, you don't, not really.

what is wrong with you. asking for help from your friends and loved ones is supposed to be a moment of connection and vulnerability. instead you spend hours preparing and weeks recovering. you've done all the reading and you know you are supposed to accept-love-as-it-is presented.

but still the internal questions, litany of the prey animal. do you still love me. am i still attractive. do you care about my interests. am i boring you. are you becoming distant. are you going to leave me. do you like me or are you just managing. am i telling you too much. am i bothering you. do you want me there. am i embarrassing you.

the problem is that your prayers have been right before. you loved someone and they hurt you and now the words sluice against the floorboards no matter how tightly you lock the door. you go to therapy and try to trust and try to be kind and try to assume the best. that everyone is honest and loyal. that you can be happy and alone and miss her but still feel easy, at-home.

it feels like waving a flag in front of a sinking ship. you hold up the scripture and research, preaching: i can do this. i am not going to let my insecurities and fears ruin another relationship.

all of the drowning passengers have your face. they try to say i told you so. i told you this is what ends up happening. their voices are swallowed by the water and the deep below.

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to love someone is firstly to confess: i'm prepared to be devastated by you.

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{Words by José Olivarez from Citizen Illegal /@fatimaamerbilal , from even flesh eaters don't want me.}

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?

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I lost my wallet. It is in my apartment