asofnow

[asofnow]

10.29.23

Today is Sunday, and here I go, smoking again. A lady told me yesterday, "That's not good for you!" and it felt good like an Angel was speaking for me. But as soon as my sister left, I smoked again. My mom says I didn't talk much when she was around, but I didn't have much to talk about. When we picked her up, me, her, and mom had a convo. I told her I was smoking Blacks with mom. She said we either have to stop or move out. But as soon as she left, mom asked to smoke my Black. Yesterday, she bought mom a 0% nicotine vape. But I will buy one when I get some money to stop smoking. My writing hand hurts. This is enough writing for now.

[asofnow]

10.27.23 cont.

In writing, I think there are times to reflect, especailly in this time where mental health may not be so good. Sometimes I wonder: Why me, but I know it is because of my life and what I have been through. After looking at old writings, you can tell I was a weird and lonely kid. I moved to a new school and got sexually assulted. Then I hear rumors about it and then I wrote to handle the pain. Now, fast forward to now, and I have been through two psychotic mental episodes and four suicide attemps. It's hard writing about this and leaving it onto paper, because I don't like for anyone to read this info, but I will have to be brave in order to get better. As of now, my mind is okay enough to not be in that path of darkness.

I thank God and mental health medicine for that. I also have my friends and family. That's good.

My mental health is the most improved aspect due to medicine and my friends and family and God.

[asofnow]

10.27.23

I am still a work in progress. I am still smoking Blacks and I need to stop before my sister gets here tonight. My throat is still closed up from smoking. The mullien leaf tea can only do so much. I have to stop smoking today. I will work hard to maintain my life, family, and friends. Something deep in my mind tells me that he is suffering the same as I am, or more. That alone makes me feel better. I hope he knows that he fucked me up for life.

And sadly, my mind has taken a toll because of him. I will never go back to him.

I hate this other side of things. I know I am not in control of everything, but I need things to go back to normal and its not. It is annoying. I hate this shit. I need to be careful. I need to do the right things. I have to be careful of my mind and my thoughts. I can't just let others control me. I have to do better. But in order to do that, I have to move on from the hate and do what God wants me to do.

[asofnow]

10.26.2023

As I sit outside and smoke a Black, and watch the rainfall, it leads me to reflect. When did my thoughts become so convoluted? I had a nice breakfast, but it felt selfish because I didn't buy any for anyone else. I am going to the movies today, but I still feel selfish. I guess that it is okay to feel the way I feel as long as I write about it. But writing always feel better to me. I just smoked but I feel like writing instead. It was just raining, but the sun is out. I have shaky hands and it aches (my hand) when I write too much, but it want to keep writing. I just finished my daily devotion. Sometimes I read it in the daytime and at dinner. I would've never imagined that I would lean on spirituality and God so much, but it is helpful. But considering the PTSD I got from the hospital, it is helpful to have faith in Christianity. I feel less selfish wen God is there to listen. I am supposed to have a therapist, but I like God is my therapy. Maybe that is relish, but I believe that.

[asofnow]

10.25.2023 Wednesday

Today, I am writing as I used to when I was younger. I will have to find some dark green pens as well for nostalgia. I think they sell them at Walmart. I have noticed as I take my meds and smoke me a Black and Mild that there are things from my inner child that I need to work on. I think the writing is the main thing. Now I am trying to decide on 0.7mm or 0.5mm. They make me write differently

[asofnow]

9.27.2023

Tonight, I read my daily devotion scripture. Today I learned about consistency. Even if I feel like my faith in God is low, I must keep reading the devotions and pray every night. God is always there, so being consistent is what I needed.

Speaking of things I needed, I was able to talk to my best friends M and H. He is like a angel in human form. I am happy M still talks to me. I know it must be annoying to have a friend in bad mental health all the time but I am trying.

My mental issues feel like a mix between being possessed and brainwashed. It's like VB is hurting me from my brain inside out. But the meds sometimes helps. Writing has been helpful too.

I don't know why I gave up writing (two year gap), this is addicting, writing is fun.

Only issue I have is I have nerve damage so I cannot write for too long. My writing hand hurts now, I wish I could use my left sometimes.

[asofnow]

Wednesday 5.11.22 8:24pm

So mom just left and even though it was nice for a bit to have her over, I am back to having my own space alone. I have big plans tomorrow, I think I'll go to the gym, starting with cardio. If not I will work out at home. Morning I will do some sit-ups and then I also planned my meal for tomorrow using my food in the fridge. I have hypocalcemia and I need to eat better because I went to the doctor but I will make sure to just eat better and work out. I may give an update tomorrow.

[asofnow]

Morning Writing Affirmations 5.29.20

I will not stress what I do not control

Mistakes are simply lessons to be learned, I know I am doing my best.

I am fierce, unafraid, and bold

I release any doubts and fears.

I know what I am doing

I have the power to stop this. I can simply stay "stop".

I forgive myself for having a bad day.

I choose to stop apologizing for being me.

All I need is within me.

[asofnow]

Personal Goals-Not for Planner

Take care of myself better

Take care of people who care about me

Fix broken relationships with people who care about me

Write my thoughts down more-it is theraputic

Write more for emotional record keeping.

Go outside and walk more.

Go for a walk daily alone.

Do more yoga.

Become more independant without risking relationships.

Dont be afraid to make new friends

Dont be afraid to lose friends

Take the driving test

Study for the driving test in free time

Treat my friends good, but not be a people pleaser.

Try to do all of these goals without changing the good side of myself :)

Go to college and actually finish.

Go to nail school- for fun and side job.

Try not to be afraid to take risks.

[asofnow]

Friendships 1.19.20 3:19pm Sunday

It's the start of a new decade, and seeing how I talk about people in my journal, I figured that I would write down my friendships so in the future, I can look back on this.

M (and W I guess): M is one of my only female friend that I still actively talk to. That makes her my best friend. We have been friends since 2017, but we have been friendly and talking to each other since high school. It's a shame that we became best friends due to the shit D did, but its whatever. Well, better best friends. We are closer now, but I kinda dont like having to compete with W. He is cool since he is with M, I tolerate him. I dont like his views on gays, and I think he has a side chick (M knows about this). but that is their relationship.

H: H has to be my best guy friend. I dont use that title, but he has been there for me since 2017, especially when our electrivity was out in 2018. I am working on being a better best friend to him and getting him things like he does me all the time :)

J: Event though J is my boyfriend currently, he is still my friend. We do not get along as we used to due to our relationship and personality. We might be better as friends at this point. We are just too lazy to break up. Me moving later this year might make things better or worse. Who knows. I want things to be on good terms in the end

VB: Where to start? Well, this is J's best friends. Funny how we are now friends. He thought I didn't like him but we cool now. I text him when I am bored or want to hang out or smoke or "etc". We will hang out more when I move. He needs his on page.

[asofnow]

1.19.20 Sunday 2:49pm

Man, it sure has been a while since my last entry, but that is okay. Well, it is a new year and I will be moving in April this year. I do not want to be roommates, so I will get a 1 bedroom and live on my own. Me and Justin should still be dating, but I don't know if we will last. Me moving should help the relationship, but who knows. I really don't care. At least my friends will have a nice place to come and hang. I can clean when I want, decorate how I want. Its gonna be great. I can finally get the furniture package with my tax money! Since I am getting my deposit back, I can use that to pay for the deposit in the new place. Budgeting will be tough, but I am getting a raise at the end of the month, so that will be nice.

[asofnow]

10.4.19 Friday 3:44pm

I missed a whole month in this journal. I think I need too. I guess I will update on what I wrote the last time. We are on terms. I talked to this nigga for 8 hours in his car. I learned that Justin means the world to him. I miss my old friendship like that with Makayla. Anyways, onto lawn care. I bought a lawn mower, so no more bills about the grass. I got my period last Monday, so we won't be worried about no kids anymore.

[asofnow]

8.9.19 1:16 Thursday

Wow it sure has been a while, but it has to write something. Where should I start? Well, well , moved to a house now. J sis and her bf lives with us too. They are about to move out though, now that Z is pregnant. I never expected them to have kids but it's kind of giving me baby fever lol. I got the chance to be pregnant 8.4.19, but I wasn’t ready for that, so I took Plan B. Plus it seems like J promised VB the extra room when his sis and her bf move out. I honestly wouldn’t mind that, but he annoys fast like J and I don’t wanna annoy anyone. I already bothered him today and he is the type you don’t wanna be on bad terms with. I remember calling him needy and he didn’t talk to me for a week. Well, not really “talk”, but not playing Mancala with me. I don’t wanna get on his bad side, he is nice and it is nice to have someone not bothered by me. My personality is not an easy one to deal with. Well let's move on. I am still working at the job I wrote about earlier this year. Since I've been at this job so long, I think it is safe to say I will be there a while. I also started cramping due to the Plan B and unexpectedly bled on the sheets. I am still embarrassed about it. The house life is pretty nice, our hot water never runs out. I also bought a washer and dryer, so that is nice. Only thing about having a house is lawn care. We gotta get it taken care of before we get fined again. Lastly, J has an aquatic turtle, and M and W are doing good. They will have their own place soon.

[asofnow]

1.15.19 Tuesday, 5:28pm

Wow, it's been a while since I’ve written in this diary, well a full thought, but I have to think because I never explained the D situation and it's crazy because I found out about this 10.30.18 and that was three days before my full depression. So to sum things up, J told me that day (10.30.18) that him and D had basically been talking and flirting in text messages. I was so broken after that, but I chose J between the two due to D doing this before and due the fact that it was her idea to talk behind my back, as he showed me all of their messages together.

Now J blames the weed but that's some BS. It's cool though because shit has changed and that's all I can say about it. I'm over it all and have a good reason to be. It's a new year and shit like that.

Anyways, I've started a new job lol. Yes, again, but I actually like this job. It's not a temp job either. That means I have to work extra hard to keep it. Man I gotta keep this job, I have to move and it's a helpdesk job. This is exactly what I've been looking for.

[asofnow]

12.5.18 6:48pm

Hey journal, been a while huh? Yeah and a lot of shit been going on too. D and I don’t talk anymore. It’s a long story but she basically got caught up hoeing. So yeah that’s that. I still have M though so I’m good

[asofnow]

October 27, 2018 7:35pm

October 27, 2018.

7:35pm

Wow, I almost thought I bought this diary for nothing, but here I am.

The migraines from school came back, I believe it started Thursday when I gave in and let bad thoughts enter my head. I know that’s why actually.

I guess I should sum up what’s going on with a timeline, that way I can look back at this!

So it all started when I was about to call W. I felt like he was doing my friend wrong and I wanted to call him, which I have learned I was in the wrong for doing. But boy did everyone make me feel stupid.All I could hear is “Why did you think that was okay, you need to stop thinking based on emotion.”, but they know I was passionate. In the end, ever since then , everyone wants to be secretive and tell each other their problems while ostracizing me because I overreacted one time. Then, to speed up the timeline, H confided in me and I ended up talking about the situation to D and J, which I shouldn’t have done, but I learned new info from J, and when I asked why D didn’t tell me, he said because you like to go back try to handle things yourself. He was talking about what happened with M and now I feel like him and D don’t confide in me because of that, but what they don’t know if I only did that because I felt like a bad friend to M because I don’t talk to her and now I need to be better. So instead of listening to her maybe I could help, but now things are even worse and I have given myself migraines.

Lastly in the timeline, there is yesterday. So yesterday, J was smoking and ended up having a panic attack. He told me not to call 911,but he convinced me too anyways,which he kinda made me feel bad about on the way home. When we got home though, D, who was there before we left, went home instead of spending the night because she wanted to go to the hospital, and that’s just what I don’t understand. This is the main reason why I am upset and as selfish as it is, this is how I feel:

Why did she want to go to the hospital with us? To see if he was okay? I understand that, but he needed me, his girlfriend, in this situation. In the 3 years we have been dating, J showed me how much he needed and loved me in this situation (from my eyes). I was so happy to finally do something for him and he didn’t end up annoyed or mad. It changed everything and now I feel like it means nothing because D didn’t go and now J is apologizing and that doesn’t make sense to me.

Don’t you think it’s time for A to be in control of a situation? Or does she think I will over-react like I did with M?

All I know is that he and D have bonded to the point where I feel like a third wheel to their relationship and I am J’s girlfriend! I feel like I shouldn’t be second to no one except for his mom, and now it's gotten to the point where when I tell him how I feel, he says “It’s not about you.” How come when she is upset, she can tell you and you can listen, but when I am upset, you can’t? When you know I am upset, why not come sit and talk to me, even if it is not about her?

J and I’s relationship feels very rocky as it is already, now I don’t even get things I used to get from him like a text or call but he can text her just to make her feel better. I would like some attention sometimes without you being upset.

[asofnow]

July 10, 2018 3:15pm

Wow, a whole month has went by without me writing in my diary! Crazy how much can change in a month. BJC in June was a cool Go Live, but there won’t be any more for a while so I will just have to go back to a regular desk job. I am starting at Elsevier on July 16 and I can’t wait to start working. This job pays 18 and hour so hopefully I stay the whole six months and save up some money. I bought another journal, it’s leather with a button lock, really nice. I don’t know what to use it for, sis says that I should use it as a planner.