askthebutch

[askthebutch]

ay,,im 15, and i want to be butch. I feel so connected with the community and it brings me so much joy, but i dont have the autonomy to even dress or look or feel butch. I cant even experiment with my identity online. any advice?

Buddy boy congrats, you're butch.

Be a gentleman to ladies when you can. Hold the door open, carry her books, make children smile, wear comfortable shoes, take up a hobby, go to the gym, read poetry at the public library, go for walks in the woods, hold a pillow at night and think about how it'll be a girl some day.

It's on the way.

[askthebutch]

Hi there,

I'm but and I'm struggling a lot with body image issues and feeling like nobody could ever be attracted to me.

Like, I look at myself and just don't see someone attractive.

And some part of me knows this is stupid, because a) I'm attracted to femmes, not other butches, so no wonder I'm not my own type? And b) all those stereotypes about femmes drooling over butches have to come from somewhere. They have to exist.

But it just... Doesn't feel like it and I hate it. Like there is something wrong with me. Not with being butch, that's the only thing that ever felt comfortable to me. That just feels like being ME. But still, I kind of feel like I'm somehow wrong.

Do you have any kind of advice? Or, like. Hope. You are a butch with a femme wife who obviously adores you from your descriptions. If anyone can give me hope it sounds like it could be you.

My advice is to do stuff without trying to figure out what other people are thinking. Embrace the fact that you can't know. So flirt with girls, like for realsies flirt, and if they respond positively then fuck yeah. If not then hey they weren't gonna be a good fit anyway.

Also. It can be really really hard to tell when a girl likes you as a Butch. They're expecting (hoping) that you make the first move. (Look up lesbian sheep if you're not familiar). They expect you to /know/ they like you. And there are, like, zero external clues. They'll just seem nice. But they're crazy attracted to you. I know this because I will routinely talk to a girl in a store that is just the sweetest nicest person, then when I see her again while holding my wife's hand, she's quiet and like, sometimes rude. And every time I'm baffled. And every time, my wife is like "dumbass she thought you were cute."

[askthebutch]

how do I meet butches?? they elude me :(

Get engaged in a community that's based on your interests. You'll meet people you enjoy spending time with. Also dating apps. And volunteering groups.

[askthebutch]

hi, 21 yo butch enby. im not very educated in sex stuff (i mean bdsm and other similar stuff) while my partner is. i was hoping to learn more abt how to satisfy your partner better outside of just what they tell you - i learn a lot by observing their reaction and we do communicate a lot but sometimes they're exhausted and want me to do my own research. i've tried this but the internet has been not very helpful and kind of scary. could you guide me to any resources that help undersatnd how power dynamics work & how you can explore yourself more? as well as one of those lists that partners can do together to set clear boundaries and what works and what doesn't?

sorry if this is a lot! i'd just really like to know things and not accidentally disrespect or hurt people.

If I'm so fucking for real, it sounds like you two might not be sexually compatible. It shouldn't feel like something you have to work at. You learn each other's bodies together. Hurtful of her to phrase it like it's all your fault. And not worth it for you to prove her wrong. My 2c is to find another partner.

[askthebutch]

I just wanna say thank you so much for making this blog. This blog has truly been integral in my self-discovery and experimentation with my identity, and has led me to be FAR more confortable with myself. Thank you so so much for what you do here, truly

[askthebutch]

alright i'm 18 and i've been out as a lesbian since i was 12 but i've never dated anyone or anything. i've had 2 emotionally devastating situationships but i've never gotten to be in love with anyone and i've never done more than make out with someone and it honestly makes me feel so bad about myself. like am i not pretty enough or cool enough to be loved in public? bc my first situationship was in love with me more than i loved her but she didnt want a public relationship (my second one it was just bad timing)

It can be really tempting to feel sexually behind your peers when you're queer, because your dating pool is smaller and there are fewer opportunities for connection. That's not an indictment of your character or sex appeal. It's literally just a result of a smaller dating population than straight folks. And if you're comparing yourself to other teenage lesbians boasting about their escapades, forget them. The type of connections they're making are short lived and shallow.

You've got time, babe. Don't rush. Enjoy the journey. Ask girls for a date. (The only way to build confidence doing a new task is to do the new task while it is still frightening, and doing it again and again and again)

[askthebutch]

Any advice on how to get over the impostor syndrome or whatever caught up to me?

I recently came out to my very small circle of friends, and while I love them and I'm super glad that they accepted me, they are all straight, and I do kinda want to make friends in the lgbt community. Because a part of me is selfish. Or lonely, I don't know.

But at the same time, I have thoughts that I don't deserve to be a part of the community even though I'm clearly gay as f***.

That's dumb. You're gay. You are an integral part of the queer community. You belong.

[askthebutch]

hi ♡︎

stone femme here, is there an easy/effective way to disclose that I am a stone femme to a butch? or maybe a certain way to find stone butches around me? i know not all butches are stone but i’ve had partners give me shit in the past and it’s made me very insecure about it.

thanks :)

Ask them when they first knew they were gay. Then when they ask you about your journey, tell them about how finding out you were stone was like a whole second coming out. If they're stone, they'll tell you it was the same for them

[askthebutch]

how do i become more physically intimate with another person? not asking about sex or anything, but whenever my gf holds my hand or plays with my hair i get super nervous and clammy and idk what to do next. is there any way to work on this?

It's just scary cause it's new. You gotta keep doing the scary stuff until it's not new anymore. Don't think about how hot she is or how much she likes you right when she touches you. Just focus on how nice it feels to be touched.

[askthebutch]

Hi this is kinda random but do you have any boxer recommendations? All the ones I've tried (both men's and women's) don't fit right around the thighs 😭😭 Any advice appreciated xo

For fitted around the thigh, Hanes Originals Women's mid thigh. They're pretty decent, though they don't last forever. If you run hot, try the duluth buck naked long boxer brief.

For loose boxers, Ralph Lauren are great.

You can also always stitch the fly closed if you won't be using it.

[askthebutch]

I CAME OUT TO TWO OF MY FRIENDS!!!

Damn, that felt good. They were surprised but took it well, I suppose. One of them even looked like she kinda maybe expected that.

And now I also have a gay friend! Can you imagine that?!

DUDE FUCK YEAH. So proud of you bud

[askthebutch]

hey so, sorry if this is a weird question but i’m like 15 and i really wanna be a butch but i have absolutely no idea what i’m doing or how to do it

Aw then dude you're on the right track already. Be kind and respectful and enjoy what you enjoy even when people roll their eyes.

[askthebutch]

greetings!!

so i recently i fell down a rabbit hole of very strongly opinionated lesbian vlogs, in the sense of gold star lesbian supremacy and "fakebians" posts

yeah this truly sounds chronically online but it unfortunately has gotten to me and now im going through once again a difficult path with my sexuality.

for the record i have never been with a man, and i haven't even give my first kiss with any person either. but i still feel extremely guilty bc i do have fallen into the slippery slope of male celebrity and fictional male crushes. i realized that my feelings aren't sincere and i hold more "admiration" towards their aesthetics and what not. but the sole fact that i ever thought about a man as a potential partner makes me feel that i have been a traitor all along and that I'm luring actual lesbians in.

how do I deal with this? an option could be just blocking them, but I think the emotional damage has been done already. thank you in advance <333

The people saying that shit just want sexuality as controlled and fragile as bible thumpers do, dude. Just gay. It's repressive and arbitrary. And you're gonna drive yourself nuts with it. Those people are the worst people at a party. They care about talking more than about saying something worth hearing.

[askthebutch]

How can I convince my mom to let me cut my hair short? Whenever I even get it trimmed she always acts sad (pouting and saying how much she liked it before) and asks if I can keep it long. I don't know why she's so attached to long hair but she says it makes her really sad when I have it short and she kind of guilt trips me about it. I'm almost sixteen and I don't want to make her sad but I also don't wanna die wondering.... she's the same way about me wearing men's clothing, which I love.... I just really think I'd be happier with myself if I had a boy's haircut. It sucks having longer hair. I don't know why it's such a huge deal to her if it grows back, I'm the same person and all.

(There's a salon about twenty minutes from my house and I've debated going there alone and just getting it done without permission, but I'd definitely be grounded, I feel)

(Also my dad wholeheartedly supports me having short hair but he's really not the one in charge haha)

I just wanna feel like me, you know?

The easiest answers are to either get a cut that can be styled as feminine, and then just style it masc on your own OR get it cut the way you want it and hang the consequences.

It's your head. It's your hair. And if it's ugly, then that's your consequence to bear.

At some point your parents stop being monarchs and become advisors. That's not an easy transition for a lot of parents. They've spent 15 years knowing best and teaching you not to crap on yourself and stuff. She can either deal or she can't but you can't only do things that please her the rest of her life.

Just. Don't do it in the bathroom with dull scissors. And when you do, use a tutorial.

[askthebutch]

how do i suck strap???? i really want to but i've never done it and i have a stupidly strong gag reflex

K so I'm not the right person to ask, as I get my strap sucked and don't do the sucking. I'd say eye contact is overrated cause it can look goofy, and it's nice to hear noises of enjoyment so I know she's having a good time too.

[askthebutch]

Hey, it's the late bloomer again.

It's been almost one year since I started questioning my orientation. And a lot happened since then.

I tried to suppress those feelings, but that just made things worse. I tried to convince myself that living in the closet is not that bad, and I can manage this until I die. That didn’t work out, too. The internalised homophobia is a nasty thing.

But I'm slowly getting better (I never thought I'd say sth like that), and I'm finally planning on telling one of my friends about my attraction to women. She already helped me realise that I'm stuck in a toxic str8 relationship, and she is very patient and supportive as I slowly prepare to leave him. And now I want her to know the whole truth. I don't know what I'm gonna say to her and I'll probably be a stuttering mess, but I have to do it.

So, wish me luck, I guess

You got this. You're gonna bloom beautifully.

[askthebutch]

Hii, so I just came out as a lesbian and am still doing my research on the butch/femme community so I'm very sorry if this isn't proper phrasing, I'm definitely still learning. I'm definitely a fem who is attracted to mascs and butches but I look very "straight". Is there anything I could do or wear that would kinda make it known to butches that I am in fact a lesbian and would love to get to know them while still keeping a super feminine style? Thanks soo much I just came across your blog so I thought I'd ask and I wish you and your wife all the best! 💖

They'll know. You can always wink at them to make it clear. But we usually clock you ladies.