ask-the-questions

[ask-the-questions]

The mentally ill urge to completely ruin your sleep schedule for no reason.

[ask-the-questions]

two days no sleep meds

i'm filling up with bugs and fluid

i don't know why i'm doing this

[ask-the-questions]

[ask-the-questions]

am I bad for having CPTSD from child abuse when my brother was hurt worse then and he is ok now

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i forgot:

how much i used to hate people standing behind me, coming up from behind

and i don’t know what caused it

[ask-the-questions]

to everyone who thinks their trauma responses are an over reaction because their traumatic experience was mild compared to other people’s:

The people who had the “worse” trauma also think they’re overreacting to a mild issue. The sole survivors of plane crashes, abused children, people sold into slavery and Vietnam draftees also think they’re overreacting. there are even people who survived *Auschwitz* who think they’re being overly dramatic. These people are even TOLD they’re over reacting by third parties. Everyone thinks their trauma wasn’t that bad and they’re making it all up. Trust me, if symptoms are there, it was real trauma and it was severe. You are not over reacting.

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ive been holding myself up ont his thought that after i talked to a professional i would be ok like i would hasve goals and a plan and someone who would give me advice.

i feel like i held everything in so long ands i was so scared to tell someoen everything but i didnt realize that i'd have no plan after.

i poured all this stuff that’s just so heavy on me out and afterwards at the end as they were trying to wrap everything up because it was over (we’d gone over really) it was just like laughable.

like the ocean came out and we’re trying to clean it up in three minutes.

like they just reached down and scooped up a cup worth of the existential crisis that’s now up to our knees and said OK well you mentioned something and i have a book that you might like to look at, time to go now.

so now i’ve been home for a week (i don’t know i cant ever remember how much time passes) and there’s just this lake of hell following me around and i’m realizing that it’s just all out now and we did nothing to actually re-pack or contain it in any way.

i have no foundation to build on.

[ask-the-questions]

Sometimes,  I forget the words to my own songs,  It seems so hard to know myself, But you, You must be the chorus, Nothing makes sense without you.

chorus // a poem

[ask-the-questions]

dont forget a record!

r-e-s-p-o-n-c-i-b-i-l-i-t-y

uuu

a little loon makes it clear 'dissociation train station'

*huuuug*

i'm Organization and don't forget to go over all over the overs like a fine toothed comb

always twice, OK?

shh, nevermind

it's AOK 

aaand! i’m silver not gold! i have combed and we are clear, things are clean. well oiled machine! all clear don’t forget now.

[ask-the-questions]

[ask-the-questions]

who what are you? meat

are you a boy or a girl? meat

why meat?

why meat? i’m meat

meat? made of meat 

do you want to eat meat? NO nausea, image: meat mashed, dead things

i might be dead i am dead i’m nothing?

do you like the hand? yes

is the hand you? don’t know

[ask-the-questions]

im really just tired and i dont like this. if im gonna be sleeping i want to be all asleep or all awake. this drifting with feeling and urges isnt comfortable. if im going to be gone i want to not feel all the things.

im trying to understand and instead i get and i looked up on tumblr and i get people doing talking about kin and fic things and thats ok but i dont know what that feeling is like and i just want to i need help to not feel like this. little darks and bright whites.

i need advice and i dont know. i found there is one one therapist who does specialize and its not very very far away but its a man and i just feel so scared i dont want to but i need someone. its probably important? alone in and alone in and alone i dont know im not confident. and i cant go alone definite definitely.

i cant stop thinking about vertebrae and it should be funny but its just sick and i think its making me nauseous. i dont think i ate yet. i should eat but i cant eat meat definitely and all i think i had is a chicken leg? probably going to drink milk to not feel huingry

[ask-the-questions]

its really super hard to pull away from it right now i feel like im slipping in and out and in and out and in and our and i dont know i feel i dont know if im even dissociating? i move from awake to dreaming to awake but i cant keep my attention on the time to see how fast things are moving. is this co fronting?

it doesnt talk so much like but i feel like i feel like i feel it pull i dont know it wants things and then we seem good but then i am awake and i dont want the same things. it feels like an argument and i cant tell if this is dream or awake.

[ask-the-questions]

tiny moments that come with derealization

cold coffee

muttering sorry, bad memory instead of sometimes i don’t know how i got here

avoiding mirrors at all costs

binge eating until you can taste again

a floaty, tired feeling as you drive home

shaking hands

constantly checking the time

small extisential crisises 

[ask-the-questions]

tiny moments that come with derealization

cold coffee

muttering sorry, bad memory instead of sometimes i don’t know how i got here

avoiding mirrors at all costs

binge eating until you can taste again

a floaty, tired feeling as you drive home

shaking hands

constantly checking the time

small extisential crisises 

[ask-the-questions]

i copied this in a window and i'm very tired and i miss you i wish you were here and we could lay down and it would be warm

i copies this too too

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i remember that omeone was mad and i wanted to ask something and someone was mad and sent me to my room and i was mad and it wasnt fair and nothing was ever fair and there was yelling and i got up top bunk and the bear was there i didnt like the bear someone had given it to me but it didnt have a name or story or personality so i didnt like it and i got mad at the bear and his bow tie his bow was plaid and i think i tried to tear it off and i hit the bear and then i was overwhelmed with sadness and i was so sorry and i held the bear and i said i was sorry and we were the same and no one loved us so we stayed together there and cried i forgot about the bear though and we didnt stay friends and i feel bad and i let him down

i drew and i forgot something and then i ate a cookie and it's hard to thinki didnt eat your cookie