ashseavr

[ashseavr]

the toughest.

‘agent down!’

jennifer stood frozen, watching in horror as ashley fell. the loud crack of the gunshot reverberated in her mind, the moment stretching into something unreal. she had seen it happen, felt her stomach lurch as ashley crumpled to the ground. there were shouts, agents rushing forward, but jennifer couldn’t move. 

frozen. 

im freezing up, again.

the team had thought there was only one unsub. they quickly found out differently, the one open side panel of ashley’s vest proving to be her weakness in the moment. 

medical came swiftly, the team shouting orders jennifer couldn’t comprehend.

“we’re losing her! you - jareau, i need more pressure! jareau!?”

a medic yelled, needing extra hands before more backup came. he ended up pulling another agent to help, brushing off the blonde who was frozen in front of them - and focused back on the one slipping underneath him. 

she watched helplessly as they lifted ashley, blood soaking through her clothes, her skin pale against the stretcher and she continued slipping out of consciousness. jennifer's heart raced, panic seeping into her every thought. 

“w-wait i can help..”

she mumbled, not audible, but as if her body was allowing her to respond to a question moments ago - even if ashley was loaded up in the back of an ambulance at this point. 

she had been in the field a hundred times, had seen the worst, but this was ashley— her ashley. not just some agent she had met day of operation, though she would still care. 

‘when i lost my sister, all i wanted was another one so i could protect her like i couldn’t with ros. now i have you, and part of my heart feels healed.’ the words jennifer had told the younger blonde mere days ago. they had bonded as two siblings who just met later on in life.  ‘but what when im gone, or youre gone? after it, what if it all goes dark?’ ashley was fearful of losing people. that was no secret to those close to her.  ‘then we will find each other in another universe. we will find each other again.’ jennifer wanted to always calm her nerves. she tried often, and often it worked. ‘i hope we find each other a little sooner next time.’ ‘it will be sooner than this lifetime. sisters are with each other, always.’

but that was when things were okay. ashley was safe, and jennifer wasn’t worried sick.

now, hours later, jennifer sat in the cold, sterile waiting room of the hospital. emily had been with her, however, went home to make sure their children were okay and to help ace for the night. the other agents who came in at first, slowly started trickling out. but jennifer didn’t. she didn’t move. 

the fluorescent lights buzzed overhead, harsh and unrelenting. she hadn’t lifted from her seat since ashley had been rushed into surgery. she didn’t care about the passing of time or the uncomfortable chair beneath her. 

she couldn’t leave, not until she knew. she felt cemented in guilt that wasn’t even hers to take on.

her mind kept going back to the field, the flash of the gun in an alley, the way ashley hit the ground like her legs had given out beneath her and the breath was stolen out of her lungs. the way her eyes locked with jennifer’s the minute it happened - the flash of fear that showed the youth within her still. 

the image was seared into jennifer’s memory, replaying over and over, a cruel loop she couldn’t escape. 

the door creaking open pulled her from her thoughts, jennifer looking up to see elle standing there, her face lined with exhaustion and worry. her cheeks had been tear-stained, there was no hiding it. though, elle’s eyes softened when they landed on jennifer. she crossed the room, sitting next to her in yet another uncomfortable chair. 

“i knew you’d still be here,” elle said quietly. she reached out, her hand squeezing jennifer’s knee. “ashley’s out of surgery.”

jennifer’s breath caught in her throat. “and?”

“she’s stable,” elle assured her, her voice breaking slightly. “she’s in and out of it - she’s going to be hurting, but... she’s going to be okay.”

jennifer nodded, a wave of relief washing over her, though the weight in her chest still sat heavy. 

“i need to see her.”

not i want to see her, but i need to see her. 

elle didn’t hesitate. she was protective over her wife, but she knew how much jennifer cared about her. if it had been anyone else to ask, she probably would’ve turned them down. 

“come on. she’d want to see you too.”

jennifer followed elle down the hallway, her heart pounding in her ears - no, not her heart. the sound of the shot that took ashley down, still. each step felt heavier than the last as they approached ashley’s room. elle pushed the door open gently, and jennifer stepped inside.

“i’ll let you have a second, i’ve got to talk to her surgeon.”

all jennifer could do was nod, her eyes glued on the younger blonde.

ashley was asleep in the hospital bed, her body a stark contrast to the vibrant, energetic woman jennifer knew. her face was bruised, swollen in places, and the pale color of her skin made jennifer’s heart ache - horrified of what was under her abdominal bandages.

 she was still, too still, and it sent a chill down jennifer’s spine. ashley was usually bouncing around, laughing - always smiling.

but not now. 

the sight brought the scene from the field rushing back in vivid detail, once more.  

and jennifer felt it again for a moment. frozen.

she moved toward the bed slowly, pulling a chair beside it and sitting down. her eyes scanned ashley’s face, taking in every single misplaced color and scratch to her skin.  

jennifer brushed a few blonde strands away from ashley’s forehead, her hand trembling slightly. the softness of ashley’s hair beneath her fingers felt too fragile, too delicate. she reached for ashley’s hand next, holding it gently. the tears welled in her eyes, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t stop them from falling.

“i’m sorry,” jennifer whispered, her voice breaking. her thumb stroked over ashley’s knuckles as she squeezed her hand gently. “i’m so sorry.”

for a moment, nothing happened. but then, jennifer felt a faint shift in ashley’s hand, a slight pressure in response. she looked up, startled, just as ashley’s eyes fluttered open - her brows pulling together.  her gaze, though heavy with the fog of pain medication, found jennifer’s instantly.

“why are you crying?” 

ashley’s voice was soft, hoarse from intubation. her lips curled into the smallest of smiles, her eyes tired but warm - somehow, after everything. 

“..i told you... i’m a tough cookie..”

jennifer let out a soft, breathy laugh, shaking her head solemnly, her tears threatening to fall again. seeing ashley awake, her familiar teasing words, felt like a weight had been lifted from her chest. it was such a stark difference from the last time she had seen her—pale, bloodied, and being lifted away in hopes fate would be kind to her. 

“...you’re the toughest,” jennifer murmured, squeezing ashley’s hand again - the corners of her lips pulling just a bit. 

she would have to get the image of ashley gasping for air out of her mind, or her eyes begging to feel safety in the moment. but for this moment, she’d appreciate the sight of the drugged daze in front of her. 

at least that meant ashley was safe right now, and it didn't matter if jennifer froze here.

[ashseavr]

you did what you could, honey.

the house was spotless—every inch scrubbed, every surface wiped to a gleaming shine. ashley had been cleaning for hours, moving from room to room with frantic energy. she barely noticed how raw her hands had become, or the stinging in her arms from scrubbing so hard in the shower. each room she conquered only made the tightness in her chest worse, as if no amount of cleaning could erase what had happened on the case.

hours ago she was rushing into an unsubs home, knowing the chances of what she would uncover. she knew the statistics of child abduction. it always hurt her, but the second she signed adoption papers to her daughter gabrielle and became pregnant herself, they put a new pit in her stomach. she didn’t know it could go lower, but it did. lower than the pits of hell. especially when your hands left a scene stained.

she had already taken seven showers with a span of three hours. the hot water burned her skin, but she kept scrubbing, feeling the need to cleanse herself, to somehow wash away the failure and guilt that clung to her like a second skin. she scrubbed her arms until they were red, almost raw, but still it didn’t feel like enough.

“im so sorry. im so fucking sorry.”

her voice was barely audible, but the words fell from her lips as if she was a rotating record that wouldn’t stop. 

she went back to cleaning after each shower. the floors were practically reflective at this point. cleaning the mirror made her sick, because she had to look failure in the face. the second she stepped into the living room and started picking up blocks from her daughter, she broke into tears before forcefully throwing them into the wicker basket they kept downstairs.

by the time elle came home, the house was quiet - and smelt of lemon cleaning products. normally, this would be a dream to a spouse. but elle knew by the reflection of the floors and how heavy the smell was, combined with what happened today - her wife was spiraling in the ways she could safely do pregnant - or safer than what she would normally turn to. ashley didn’t even notice her entering; she was in the kitchen, hands shaking as she poured water into the formula-topped bottle. but her grip slipped, and the bottle tipped, spilling the mixture across the counter and onto the floor.

it was the spill that did it. the simple, stupid act of spilling it broke something deep inside her. she had held the wrenching feelings back the best she could all day, but this did it. she broke.

ashley didn’t even think—she dropped to her knees, scrubbing at the puddle with a force that wasn’t necessary, her hands already tender and bloodied from the day. her knuckles dragged across the rough tile, but she couldn’t stop. it was as if scrubbing harder might undo everything.

she didn’t hear elle at first, didn’t even register her voice softly calling her name. but she felt it—the warmth of elle’s hand on hers.

“ash,” elle whispered, her voice low and calm, though her eyes were full of concern. “ash, honey, stop.”

the second elle’s hand’s were placed over her forcefully moving ones, ashley froze. her hands hovered over the soaked rag, trembling. then she broke. fully. loudly. the sobs tore from her chest in ragged bursts, violent and uncontrollable, as if every emotion she had been holding back all day finally erupted.

elle slipped the bags off her shoulders, already sitting on her knees from trying to stop her moments ago, and pulled ashley into her arms without hesitation. the blonde collapsed into her, her body going limp as she buried her face into elle’s shoulder, her sobs muffled against the fabric of elle’s shirt.

“i’m sorry,” ashley choked out between gasps. “i—i couldn’t stop—”

“shh,” elle whispered, cradling ashley against her. “you don’t have to apologize. i’m here. i’ve got you. breathe for me, baby.”

ashley’s breath hitched as she tried to form words, but nothing coherent came out. she was trembling, her hands clutching at elle’s shirt like a lifeline. elle held her tighter, gently rocking them back and forth on the kitchen floor.

all she could see was the same image that was burned permanently into her brain. how could she as a mother get to go home to her child, how could she be pregnant with one now - and not get to bring someone else's home to them?

“i’m so sorry,” ashley whispered again, her voice breaking. “i didn’t— i didn’t mean to mess it up. i should’ve – why couldn't i-”

“you didn’t mess anything up,” elle said firmly, her hand stroking ashley’s hair in slow, comforting motions. “you didn’t, okay? sometimes we can do everything in our power, and it still doesn’t work.”

ashley nodded, but her chest didn’t stop. she could feel it closing in, even if elle tried to stop it.

“baby, breathe. please, you’ve got to.”

she wanted to remind her that it wasn't just her in her body right now, but that possibly could’ve made things worse. elle just hoped it would calm before it got to that. 

for what felt like an eternity, they stayed there, with ashley sobbing in elle’s arms, her body shaking as the weight of everything finally came crashing down. elle didn’t let go, didn’t ask for explanations or reasons - she knew. she just held her, whispering quiet reassurances, her hands rubbing small circles into her trembling frame. 

when the sobs finally seemed to die down, elle pulled back slightly, just enough to cup ashley’s face in her hands, her thumbs brushing away the tears. ashley’s eyes were red, her face streaked with tear tracks, but she looked up at elle with a vulnerability that tore at elle’s heart. she looked like she had committed the crime itself. like she was the one who should be on trial.

“i’m sorry,” ashley whispered once more, her voice barely audible. her throat was just as raw as the skin on her body.

“you don’t have to be sorry,” elle said softly, pressing her forehead to ashley’s. “this is not on you. let’s get you upstairs, i’ll deal with this little spill.”

ashley gave a small nod, and elle gently helped her to her feet. she could feel how unsteady ashley was, her body exhausted from the hours of cleaning and the emotional toll of the day. as they made their way upstairs, elle kept a protective arm around her waist, guiding her carefully.

once they were in the bedroom, elle moved with gentle hands, calm and steady while her heart ached for ashley. she helped her out of her damp, tear-stained shirt, her breath catching when she saw the angry red marks on ashley’s arms, her shoulders, even her back. every inch of her skin seemed scrubbed raw—except for one place.

her small bump.

elle’s eyes lingered there, the soft swell of ashley’s stomach, as if even in her frantic cleaning, ashley had instinctively protected the life growing inside her. she hadn’t touched it, hadn’t let herself hurt it, as if it was the only part of her body she still had control over. the thought brought a fresh wave of pain to elle, but she kept it to herself, making a mental note to put some cream on ashley’s skin tomorrow. she didn’t want to push her too far tonight.

instead, she reached for the familiar sweatshirt—one of elle’s, oversized and worn out bau ones from at least a decade ago—one that ashley always seemed to seek out when she was upset. she slipped it over ashley’s head, the soft fabric swallowing her frame in warmth. elle noticed how ashley practically melted into it, as if just the feeling of it against her skin could soothe her.

"come here," elle whispered, pulling her into another hug - one of her hands on the back of her head, her fingers lightly tangling into her blonde hair.

“you did everything you could. even if it doesn’t feel like it right now,” she mumbled once more. only gaining a soft nod into her shoulder from ashley. the blonde had days like this, sometimes not even case related. but this seemed to hit harder. elle didnt have to think to hard to figure out why.

a soft kiss was placed on ashley’s temple, elle making sure to not let go, but not squeeze to hard.

she made another mental note to take care of her tomorrow, to make sure she rested, that her body healed. but tonight, she knew all ashley needed was this—elle by her side, the quiet reassurance that she wasn’t alone, that even when the world felt overwhelming, she didn’t have to carry it all - nor all of the guilt for what had happene today. 

elle shifted them to the bed, where she tucked ashley in with a tenderness that felt second nature now, smoothing the blankets over her and brushing a strand of hair away from ashley’s damp forehead. ashley’s eyes were already fluttering shut, the exhaustion finally winning over.

the older woman sat on the edge of the bed, her hand resting lightly on ashley’s arm. “im right here, just breathe and relax.”

ashley didn’t respond, but she didn’t need to. her body had relaxed into the bed, the tension draining out of her now that elle was there, as if her body would allow her to use energy at the point. elle watched her for a moment longer, her fingers tracing gentle circles on ashley’s arm, careful to avoid the places where the skin had been scrubbed raw.

with one last kiss to ashley’s forehead, elle slipped under the covers beside her, wrapping an arm around her waist, her hand resting protectively over the small bump. ashley shifted slightly in her sleep, curling instinctively toward elle, her breathing evening out as she finally gave in to rest. most likely against her will, but it was needed. 

“you did what you could, honey.”

elle knew she could say it over and over, but ashley wouldn’t believe her. time would have to heal the guilt, and elle would have to stand beside her and love her through it.

[ashseavr]

uh oh, i'm falling in love.

it only hurts this much right now,

ashley was sitting at her desk, typing away on a report that had just came in. she was the newbie, once again – which meant she got the paperwork. she didn’t mind though. she could put her focus into words about cases, and not her anxieties about adjusting to being back at the bau.

however, her focus was shifted the moment elle walked over to her desk. she had taken the breath out of her lungs the second she laid eyes on her during her first day. today, not much had changed. 

elle sat on the side of her organized desk, an inviting smile resting on her face. 

“we’re having girls night at my house on friday, seaver. why don’t you come?”

girls night. usually, girls night included wine, laughter - friends. maybe she was being accepted easier into their friends and family unit the rest had created than she had expected. 

ashley nodded, already feeling the heat in her cheeks rise. 

“yeah – sure. i’ll be there.”

was what i was thinking the whole time.

friday.  friday.  friday. 

she thought to herself all week. part of her was horrified. she knew she was a lightweight, and she didn’t want to make a fool of herself. she knew they all had established friendships and relationships, and she was the outsider. but the other part of her was excited - because elle was going to be there. she knew elle was in a relationship, and never would dream of getting in the middle of something that seemed so happy. but elle gave her a sense of calm in a weird way too. it was comforting to know she was going to be there – and at her house.

friday came. work was simple - well, as simple as the bau could be. she clocked out, and all the girls said their goodbyes and see you soons. 

of course, ashley was panicking the whole way to her home. she had to change and get her nerves under control. 

you can do this. get it together. 

breathe in, breathe through

breathe deep, breathe out.

the soft glow of ambient lighting filled the room, casting a warm hue over the small gathering of women. it was an intimate affair, just a few close colleagues at elle's house, meant to welcome ashley back into town and into the bau. these were monthly gatherings for all of them, but new for ashley.

as the laughter from emily, jennifer, and penelope filled the living room, ashley felt both comforted and slightly overwhelmed, her nerves gently fraying at the edges. she always seemed to be so nervous, but this had her on edge in many ways.

elle soon came in from the kitchen, moving through the room with an effortless grace that spoke of deep confidence and ease within herself. it was her home after all. 

wow, is all ashley could think. 

i'll be getting over you my whole life.

she was older than ashley, and it showed. not just in the slight lines around her eyes from laughter and smiles in years past —lines that seemed to accentuate her charisma rather than diminish her appearance—but also in the calm, assured way she spoke and listened. 

ashley found herself watching elle, drawn to her like a moth to a flame.

you know how scared i am of elevators,

never trust it if it rises fast.

ashley, by contrast, was palpably younger, her anxiety about rejoining her old and new friends visible in the way she clutched her glass a bit too tightly with white knuckles, or her hands finding their ways to the edge of her shirt to mess with the trim ever so often.

despite her success in her career - personal interactions, especially ones bringing up past insecurities from her earlier years at the bau, still felt like navigating a minefield.

“you good over there, seaver?”

it can’t last.

there her voice was again. ashley nodded, a small smile spreading that was soon accompanied by a light blush.

uh oh, i'm falling in love.

as the night evolved and the group's conversation ebbed and flowed, ashley found herself in a quieter corner with elle, sharing pieces of her life since she'd last been in town. 

when the topic inadvertently shifted to ashley's love life, and the embarrassing story elle had tried to drag out of her for days now - she finally came clean with bright red cheeks. her voice was meek, small even.

“i met a girl at a party in college. we went to hookup, we made out - she started to escalate things and i started crying.”

elle's response was immediate and gentle, her voice a soothing - with no judgement. 

"there's nothing to be ashamed of, ashley. we all find our way in our own time," elle reassured her, placing a tender hand on ashley's knee, grounding her. “i did that too once.”

shes touching me. why does it feel right?

oh no, i'm falling in love again.

it was this moment, under the dim lights and with the soft cadence of elle's voice, that ashley felt a pull she couldn't ignore. the mix of elle's maturity and supportive demeanor made her both a safe harbor and an intriguing figure.

“i dont know. thinking about kissing people - anyone, since then, is so scary - i know it sounds stupid, but i-”

ashley went to speak, only to be interrupted by a squeeze on her knee once more.

“hey, i’ll kiss you. get you over your fear.”

me? she wants to kiss me? fuck. im a little wibbly wobbly in my brain. why am i such a light weight? i wonder if she can see how flustered i am?

“seriously. i’ll bring you upstairs. i don’t think you want to do this in front of everyone right?”

oh, im falling in love. 

ashley swallowed, a small tipsy smile showing. 

“you’re smart elle. more people should tell you that!”

as a light giggle left ashley’s lips, elle couldn’t help but chuckle.

“thank you, ashy.”

ashy? thats new.

guided by elle's confident hand, ashley followed her upstairs. the shift from the public eye of the living room to the private peace of elle's bedroom was nice. but it also set a fear into her - she saw the clothes of her fiancee on the bed. this was wrong - right? 

it was like elle could sense the worry ashley had, and quickly calmed them.

“its fine, she told me i could.”

okay. its fine? i guess. were they actually together then?

i thought the plane was going down

how'd you turn it right around?

elle sat ashley down on the side of her bed, and faced her, her eyes searching ashley's for any sign of hesitation.

 "we'll only go as far as you're comfortable," she promised, her voice a soft command that made ashley's breath catch in her throat as she nodded.

elle’s bed had a dark purple bed spread, much different from her bright white sheets she had at home. she didn’t know why she noticed it, but she did. 

“i - i have to spit my gum out, youre not allergic to cinnamon right? that’d be bad. i dont want to–”

and then it happened. 

when elle kissed her, it was with precision and care that led the blonde to believe there was actually passion below the surface. ashley, spurred by the initial contact, found herself responding with eagerness. 

she pulled back lightly, her face clearly red. 

it only feels this raw right now,

lost in the labyrinth of my mind.

ashley blinked a few times, and elle had a soft smile spread. she knew the look, like she had known ashley her whole life - and leaned in again, softly pushing her back onto the bed and deeping into another kiss - driven by a mutual desire that seemed to fill the space around them with everything people talked about in the movies.

“you can tell me to stop..”

elle mumbled against ashley’s lips - the vibrations being something ashley could get used to. 

“im okay.”

break up, break free, break through, break down

you would break your back to make me break a smile.

elle's hands framed ashley's face gently, her thumbs brushing softly against her cheeks as she deepened their kiss, guiding them into a headspace that felt both exhilarating and safe. her touch was light, yet filled with intention, each touch and move calculated to reassure and calm ashley’s lingering nerves.

as they shifted further into the bed, elle's movements were unhurried and mindful. she positioned herself to hover slightly over ashley, ensuring she felt the security of her presence without being overwhelmed. the heat between them grew, not just from physical touch but from the tender energy that was created between them.

you know how much i hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back,

just like that.

“just breathe - i won't hurt you,” elle whispered, her breath warm against ashley’s neck as she placed gentle kisses down her collarbone, still feeling how tense the blonde was. the softness of her voice, laced with affection and encouragement, seemed to dissolve the last of ashley’s apprehension. each word from elle was a soothing, anchoring ashley in the moment, grounding her in the waves of new and stirring emotions that elle’s touches evoked.

uh oh, i'm falling in love.

ashley felt a flutter of trust as elle’s hands explored more boldly, yet always attentive to her reactions. even in moments of her eyes being closed, ashley could feel elle’s eyes focused in on each twitch of her eyebrow and the way her chest rose. she felt elle pull her underwear to the side, her mouth lightly parting at the initial contact. 

the connection deepened with each shared breath, each whisper of comfort. elle’s guidance was subtle yet firm, her experience evident as she navigated their intimacy with an understanding that felt almost natural. like she was made to be with her.

“you’re doing good, baby…,” elle reassured, as her other hand traced lines down ashley’s temples, down to her chest and soon to her free hand that wasn’t white-knuckling the bed sheets, intertwining their fingers. 

this gesture, simple yet intimate, reinforced the connection, making ashley feel not only seen but protected in some way she couldn’t describe.

oh no, i'm falling in love again.

elle’s lips found ashley’s again, a mixture of all the unsaid words, a silent promise in which she couldn’t figure out exactly what it was yet - soft groans shared between the two of them between each kiss. their bodies moved in harmony like they had been together for years. like elle knew how to pull each reaction from her, and just what spots to nip and hit.  

the room elle shared with a woman who she would soon figure out she barely knew, was filled with the soft sounds of their shared lust, the kind that spoke volumes of their budding affection and mutual desire that had been sat boiling since ashley walked back through the steps of the bau.

oh, im falling in love.

ashley’s shaking hand reached for elle’s arm, her eye’s brimmed with tears. by the way her back was arched and her thighs were trembling, it wasn’t hard to tell what was about to happen. elle leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on her lips, whispering lightly into the blonde's gasps.

“come on ..let go, i’ve got you. im not going anywhere.”

the blonde threw her head back, elle’s hand gently covering ashley’s mouth only to muffle the sounds she knew ashley would be embarrassed if the girls downstairs had heard.

elle showed a small smile, watching ashley come down from the high she had gently worked her up to - noticing the small bruises from her lips she had left on the blonde in the process. hopefully ashley wouldn’t mind hickeys.

“there you go, just breathe..”

she mumbled softly attempting to coach her through it, reaching down and kissing ashley’s forehead - before laying down beside her in the bed. 

it was good. great even. life changing, actually - because she was literally in love with the brunette laying beside her, and she couldn’t have her. 

ashley begged the tears stinging her eyes to go away, to disappear, was it from the sex - or from her feelings? both, most likley. she felt elle’s soft hand brush a few hairs out of her eyes, making her attention shift to the older woman. 

uh oh, im falling in love.

“you okay, ashley? look at me..”

she nodded, a few tears escaping her eyes and down her cheeks - to be met with elle quickly wiping them off.

“c’mere, let me hold you. calm down a bit, we’ll go down later on. they’re too drunk to notice anyway.”

oh no, im falling in love again. 

elle pulled ashley in close, as if they had been in this position hundreds of times. calming her down - easing her emotions. making sure she was safe. 

why did this feel right. why did she fit perfectly in her arms.  why did she feel like they had known each other for centuries, and not mere days. 

i thought the plane was going down

how'd you turn it right around.

[ashseavr]

ashley, look at it.

ashley leaned on the edge of the bathroom counter, her hands trembling as she stared at the three pregnancy tests lying on the dark granite. each one, starkly negative, a dark single light. the weight of disappointment pressed heavily on her chest, and she felt the familiar sting of tears welling up in her eyes. weeks of ivf, of needles and hormones, of hoping and praying, all seemed to crumble into nothing.

the blonde turned around to face elle, droplets of disappointment and hurt already streaming down her cheeks. it was evident the second her lip trembled and the way her eyebrows pulled, it wasn’t the answer either of them wanted. 

“what if i take more? one of them has to give me the answer i want.”

of course, that’s not how things worked. she knew that. elle knew that. but maybe this time it would? she was barging with the human body and fate at this point. she swallowed back the sob she wanted to let out, and wiped a few tears aside. 

“or what if we went back to bed?”

ashley’s voice was quiet, full of heartbreak. 

elle reached her hand out, gently taking ashley’s in hers, and pulled her into her. ashley fit between elle’s legs, the older woman, wrapping her arms around the blonde and pulling her close. 

“i-im sorry.”

it's all ashley could get out, her words cracking with emotion. 

"it's okay, ash," she whispered, her voice soft and soothing, but ashley could hear the strain in it, the effort to stay strong for both of them. ashley buried her face in elle's shoulder, the tears falling freely now as the reality of the moment settled in. “don’t apologize, we can try again next time, yeah?”

ashley nodded, her tears keeping her silent for the moment. she wouldn’t lift her head from elle’s shoulder, as if she wanted to hide from the world at this point. it had been weeks of her puking, being sick - going from overjoyed at the thought of bringing a child into the world, to the fear of it not working out. hat fear was slowly becoming a reality. 

"i took five, but after the first three - i couldn’t look at the other two," ashley choked out between the sobs she finally allowed herself to fall into. "just... just throw them away."

elle nodded, rubbing ashley's back gently. "i will, sweetheart. don’t worry about it."

“i hate my body. this isn’t fair. they can have a baby with no issue, as an oopsie - and we can’t even - i can’t even-..”

the blonde attempted to get her words out, but failed - letting out a breath, trying to calm herself down. gabi was still in the room with them, and she didn’t want to be like this - not in front of her. 

a few weeks back, when they had went to have ashley’s fertility checked, they received news they didn’t want. then within the next few days, their friends kate and derek had announced they we’re pregnant. she was happy for them, but simultaneously angry. why couldn’t that be her? why couldn’t her body just..work? ashley congratulated them with a smile, wide as could be, as if she hadn’t been bedridden from the non-stop crying that filled her days past. 

“your body is amazing. it just isn’t the right time, baby,” elle spoke out. “it’s not fair, i know. but we won’t give up. we can try again. remember what i said last night?”

elle had held her hands before they fell asleep last night, her brown eyes holding ashley’s blues. they always talked about life before they fell asleep, but this was different. this was life-changing - or they both hoped it would be.  “i love you no matter what. no matter what the stick says. i won’t be upset with you, or mad. you would disappoint me, not even a sliver, okay?”

ashley remembered it clearly, elle’s words ringing in her mind. maybe elle wasn’t upset with her, or mad or even disappointed - but ashley was disappointed in herself. the only thing that pulled her out of her thought trance was gabi reaching towards her face - this baby noticing the tears trickling down the blonde’s cheeks.

“she’s trying to reach for your tears..”

elle shifted gabi a bit, her voice a little weary at the sight. 

“c’mere. let’s all just be together, lay down with us.”

elle shifted, so did ashley, before they curled into one another. they stayed like that for a long time, ashley crying softly ever so often while elle held her, gabi between them, who had drifted in and out of an early morning nap. elle tried to continue to offer comfort where there seemed to be none. 

into the hour, ashley got her tears to slow,  and she pulled back, wiping her eyes.  

“i’m going to make some tea,” she murmured, needing to do something, anything to take her mind off the crushing disappointment.

“okay,” elle replied, her voice gentle, almost as if she knew just how fragile her wife was. “i’ll clean up here, and i’ll get gabi up and changed.”

ashley nodded, giving elle’s hand a squeeze before heading downstairs to the kitchen, her steps slow and heavy. she didn’t blink at the two remaining pregnancy tests still lying on the counter, and elle didn’t bring them up, knowing ashley needed a break from the heartache. 

after changing gabi and settling her back into the floor bouncer, elle returned to the bathroom. she glanced at the tests, almost ready to toss them into the trash when something caught her eye. the faintest of lines, barely visible on one of the tests, made her heart skip a beat. she picked it up, her breath catching in her throat as she realized what she was seeing—a positive result. faint, but there. the second test, too, positive - yet much darker

elle's hands shook as she carefully wiped one of the tests clean, the positive result now clear. a slow smile spread across her face, tears of joy welling in her eyes as the realization hit her. 

ashley was pregnant. 

her ashley, was carrying their child. 

she knew how much this moment would mean to ashley, how it would lift the weight of disappointment from her shoulders. elle wanted to make it special, a memory they would have forever.

taking the cleaned test, she placed it gently in gabi's tiny hand, wrapping the infant’s fingers around it. 

“come on, sweet girl,” she whispered, picking gabi up and heading downstairs.

in the kitchen, ashley was stirring her tea absentmindedly, lost in her thoughts. her eyes were red and puffy, her nose red as could be to match her tear stained cheeks. she didn’t notice elle approach until gabi was placed gently in her arms.

“i’ve got to toss this diaper, hold her for me.”

ashley took gabi with no issue, yet a frown formed on her face immediately when she saw the test in gabi’s clutched fist. 

what kind of sick joke was this? “elle, this isn’t funny.”

ashley frowned even more, her brows pulling together as she looked back to elle - tears threatening to already spill again.

“what isn’t funny? the stick?”

“yes, why is she holding it? here, i told you to throw it away - i meant it.”

the blonde took the test from gabi, handing it to elle. but elle didn’t take it. 

“ashy. look at it.”

“i don’t want to.”

“it’s positive, ash. look at it.”

ashley’s face relaxed just a tad, glancing down at the stick, much like the others that had broken her heart three different times an hour ago. except it was different. 

“that one is positive. the other one is too.”

but ashley couldn’t respond, she just looked up from the stick in her hand - meeting elle’s glance. 

“i need to take more.”

ashley quickly handed gabi to elle, and took off upstairs. part of her feared the fact that she was putting her hope on two false positive tests. so she’d take two more to make sure.

when she finished, she came out - elle was waiting on their bed, just like this morning. ashley handed the new tests to her, her lip wavering in fear. 

“you look. please.”

and elle did. yet her face filled with a kind of joy that ashley had seen a few times - like when they got engaged, or when ashley signed adoption papers for gabi. 

“oh ashley… honey, you’re pregnant.”

ashley stood there for a moment, her chest tightening in a way that seemed to push the guilt of failure that crowded her heart earlier, away. 

“i didn’t mess up..? we did it?”

“you didn’t mess up, you could never mess up. you did it, YOU did this.”

tears started trickling down ashley’s cheeks once more. yet this time elle joined her, speaking out again - her hands softly touching her wife’s stomach through her pajama top.

“ashley wren, we’re having a baby...” 

[ashseavr]

her.

ashley sat at her desk, the noise of the bullpen barely registering as she focused on the stack of paperwork in front of her. it was her first day back at the bau, and the familiar nerves had settled deep in her stomach. she was meeting people all over again, some for the first time. so she did what she knew best - she kept her head down, eyes trained on the forms that seemed to multiply by the minute. the last thing she wanted was to draw attention to herself. not now. 

the last time at the bau wasn’t great. rossi had pulled her in from the academy, she was just nineteen. it ended in her leaving emily’s funeral, and years of nightmares to follow. 

the chatter of the other agents, the ringing phones, and the soft hum of conversation were all part of the background noise she was trying to tune out. not that the noise bothered her in a concentration sense - but it reminded her that she was the stranger once more. she wasn’t welcomed the last time she was here, aside from emily and her kindness. everyone else saw her as the agent whose dad was a serial killer. 

right now, she was just another face in the crowd, just another agent doing her job. she liked it that way—safe, unnoticed. maybe no one would pull her into another life-altering moment. 

but then, the door to the bullpen opened, and something shifted in the air. it wasn’t loud, just the creak of hinges and the soft thud of footsteps against the carpeted floor. yet, something compelled ashley to look up, her curiosity piqued despite herself.

when she did, she saw her.

elle greenaway.

she had heard of the name before. once during her first time in quantico, from spencer and penelope in a side conversation. then this morning. she had overheard emily and jennifer discussing their ‘girls night’ plans to penelope, and elle was brought up. 

she noticed her desk when she came in this morning, only due to the name plaque. decently organized, a few pens scattered and post-it notes. a framed photo of a baby sleeping. a little plant, begging for water. ashley wanted to water it the second she saw it hours ago, but she didnt. it was someone elses space, not hers. but it bugged her. that plant needed some love. 

however, the conversations she overheard - no one had mentioned how beautiful she was. how the sight of her would steal the breath from her lungs, send her heart racing, and her stomach to fill with butterflies. 

no one had made her feel like that, actually. especially not a girl. 

elle walked into the bull pen, laughing and elbowing derek. they were sent on a call to check on things, obviously it went well due to their moods. she walked with confidence that ashley could only dream of. the bau seemed to be her home, just like it was emily’s. her presence commanded attention without demanding it, the other agents glancing her way with a mixture of respect and something else that ashley couldn’t quite place. 

elle didn’t seem to notice—or maybe she did, and she just didn’t care. maybe she knew she deserved the respect. she moved with purpose, her dark hair falling perfectly around her shoulders, her eyes scanning the room before landing on something—or someone—in the distance.

a blonde somebody, who was caught in a trance.

fuck.

for a moment, ashley’s heart stopped. her blue eyes locked with elle’s brown ones, her gaze unable to look away. her cheeks flushed immediately, feeling something stir deep within her. it was more than just admiration, way more than the usual nerves that came with meeting someone new. ashley knew those nerves all too well. she was always nervous about new people. but this?

this was a pull, a connection she couldn’t explain. she wanted to love her, to know her, to be close to her in a way that scared her more than anything else ever had.

thankfully, ashley was able to break her glance, and quickly looked back down at her paperwork, her heart pounding in her chest. she didn’t know how to deal with this, with the intensity of the emotions being so sudden and so violent. 

she wasn’t supposed to feel this way. not on her first day back, and certainly not about someone she barely knew. but there it was, undeniable and terrifying. that feeling wasn’t going away like she begged it to. 

elle’s grey sweater. her dark pants. the heeled boots and her fbi badge, clipped to her pants. 

ashley cursed herself for wearing the blue sweater today, but it was one of the few shirts that weren't wrinkled from her packing boxes. she felt like it made her look like a child, and her cheeks flushed even more with embarrassment than they already were once elle caught her glance the first time.

she wanted to reach out, to say something, to find some excuse to talk to elle - ask her about the weather or what parking garage was better - or if she wanted her to water that half-dead plant on her desk. but the fear held her back. fear of rejection, of making a fool of herself, of this overwhelming desire that seemed to have no place in her orderly, cautious life.

so, she stayed quiet, her head down, her hands gripping the edges of the papers in front of her. but the image of elle, the way she moved, the way she looked, was burned into her mind. and as much as she tried to push it away, to focus on her work.

she couldn’t love someone like that. it was scary. that was vulnerable. love ends in hurt and fear. 

but god. did she want to. horribly. 

[ashseavr]

space isn't what i need, but i don't know what is.

the shower was warm, steam curling around them as the water cascaded over their bodies, creating a soft, rhythmic patter that filled the bathroom. ashley leaned into elle, her back pressed against the cool tiles before she arched off, her hands gripping elle’s shoulders as they moved together, the intimacy of the moment heightened by the close quarters and the heat of the water.

elle’s lips traced a line down ashley’s neck, her hands firm but gentle as they explored ashley’s body, making her shiver despite the warmth. but as the intensity of their connection grew, so did the unexpected wave of anxiety that suddenly crashed over ashley, sharp and unyielding.

her chest tightened, her breaths coming quicker, shallower. she could feel her heartbeat hammering in her ears, drowning out everything else. the pleasure that had consumed her moments ago was now overwhelmed by panic.

she just kept remembering the things elle had said hours before. her past. things she wasn’t ready to discuss. all elle had told her was that people kept tabs on her still, and the sudden thought of that took the breath out of ashley’s chest. what if she was going to get hurt again? what if she’d have to fear elle dying and leaving her, once more?

then the memories of spencer flooded her. elle isn’t spencer though. they’re quite the opposite. elle cares about her. elle loves her. all versions of her. so why the hell couldn’t she breathe?

“stop - please-”

elle spoke softly, slowing but not completely stopping in her actions.

“completely - or just what im doing-”

by the time elle could finish, ashley choked out a sob - cutting her off. 

“everything - please stop.”

elle felt the shift immediately. her hands stilled, her eyes locking onto ashley’s face, where she saw the fear starting to take hold. a fear she had never seen once on her face. 

“ash?” elle’s voice was soft, filled with concern. “hey - what’s wrong, baby?”

ashley’s eyes were wide, her breaths coming in ragged gasps as she tried to find words, but they wouldn’t come. she shook her head, panic rising in her throat, her vision narrowing. 

“i… i can’t… i’m sorry,” she choked out, her voice trembling.

elle didn’t hesitate. she gently eased off ashley, her hands cradling ashley’s face, thumbs brushing away the tears that had begun to slip down her cheeks. 

“hey, hey, it’s okay,” elle soothed, her voice low and calming. “you’re okay, ash. just breathe with me, alright? deep breaths.”

ashley tried to focus on elle’s voice, on the warmth of her hands and the steady rise and fall of her chest. she closed her eyes, trying to match her breathing to elle’s, but the panic still clawed at her, making it hard to think, hard to calm down.

elle pulled ashley into her arms, holding her close, her fingers running through ashley’s hair in a soothing rhythm.

“i’m right here,” elle whispered, her lips brushing against ashley’s temple. “you’re safe. just take your time, love. we don’t have to do anything else, okay? just breathe.”

ashley clung to elle, her body trembling as she fought to steady herself. ten minutes of trying, with elle’s soft reassurances and gentle touch, the panic began to recede, like a tide pulling back from the shore. her breathing evened out, and the tightness in her chest started to loosen.

but as the panic subsided, a deep sense of embarrassment settled in its place. ashley buried her face in elle’s neck, her tears still wetting her skin. “i’m so sorry,” she whispered, her voice small and shaky. “i ruined everything.”

elle’s heart ached at the sound of ashley’s apology, and she tightened her hold on her. “no, ash, you didn’t ruin anything,” elle said firmly, her voice filled with nothing but love. “this doesn’t change a thing. i’m just glad you’re okay.”

ashley shook her head, still unable to shake the shame. “i just… i don’t know what happened. i feel so stupid…”

a bit of a lie. she knew, somewhat. but she did feel small, either way.

“you’re not stupid,” elle interrupted, her tone gentle but insistent. she pulled back just enough to look into ashley’s eyes, her expression soft and understanding. “sometimes these things happen, and that’s okay. you don’t have to apologize for it, and you definitely don’t have to feel bad. i’m here with you, no matter what.”

ashley’s eyes welled up again, nodding as she tried to compose herself. “but-,” she whispered, her voice cracking and failing her. 

elle spoke a bit more firm, but full of love and care.

“it’s a privilege to get to be with you in that way. if you use your safe word, everything stills. you’ll call the shots. it’s how intimacy works. i would never take advantage nor would i get mad or upset with you for listening to what your body needed in the moment to stop and regulate. it didn’t ruin anything, i was a little weary about going into it at first, you have been puking all morning and you barely slept.. you’re body is just in overdrive.”

the younger blonde nodded, looking away as a few tears trickled down her red cheeks.

“thank you for loving me.”

elle smiled softly, lifting ashley’s chin and pressing a tender kiss to her forehead. 

“you never have to thank me for loving you,” she murmured, brushing a wet stray strand of hair behind ashley’s ear. “we’re in this together, remember?”

loss for words, ashley nodded again, her hands reaching for elle’s - the only thing to ever seem to calm her down without a doubt. 

as the warmth of the shower began to dissipate, leaving the room cool and damp, elle gently turned off the water. she reached for a towel, carefully wrapping it around ashley’s trembling form before guiding her out of the shower. the tenderness in elle’s movements was undeniable, but ashley still couldn’t shake the overwhelming sense of shame that clung to her, thicker than the steam that filled the bathroom.

elle handed ashley one of her sweatshirts, the familiar fabric soft and comforting. “here, baby,” elle said softly, her voice laced with concern. “put this on. i’ll get you bottoms too.”

ashley took the sweatshirt with shaky hands, her eyes downcast as she pulled it over her head. the sweatshirt was oversized, enveloping her small frame, and ashley immediately buried herself in it, tugging the sleeves down to cover her hands, hiding her face in the collar. the scent of elle—warm and familiar—filled her senses, but instead of comfort, it brought another wave of guilt crashing over her.

elle watched, her heart breaking at the sight of ashley retreating into herself. she wanted nothing more than to wrap ashley up in her arms and hold her until all the fear and shame melted away. but she could sense the hesitation in ashley’s posture, the way she seemed to flinch away, as if she was unsure whether she wanted elle’s touch or to avoid it entirely.

elle hesitated, her hands hovering near ashley’s shoulders before she pulled them back. “do you… do you want me to stay, ash?” she asked gently, searching ashley’s face for any sign of what she needed.

ashley’s eyes flickered up to meet elle’s, and for a moment, elle saw the conflict there—the desperate need for comfort warring with the crushing weight of embarrassment. but then ashley looked away, her shoulders hunching as she wrapped her arms around herself, sinking deeper into the sweatshirt.

elle swallowed hard, nodding as she took a small step back. “okay,” she whispered, her voice tight with emotion. “i’ll give you some space. if you need me, i’m right here.”

she watched ashley for a moment longer, her heart aching with the need to make things better, but knowing that pushing might only make things worse. so, she turned and quietly left the room, leaving ashley alone in the bed, the door clicking softly shut behind her.

as soon as elle was gone, the tears that ashley had been holding back finally spilled over. she curled up on the bed, her knees pulled to her chest as she cried silently into the sleeves of elle’s sweatshirt. the guilt, the shame, the lingering panic—all of it crashed over her in waves, and she couldn’t stop it. the comfort of elle’s presence was gone, replaced by the cold emptiness that now filled the room.

she wanted to reach out, to call elle back, to tell her that she didn’t need space but rather the warmth and safety of her arms. but the shame kept her rooted in place, the fear of being a burden, of being too much, too overwhelming to ignore.

so ashley stayed there, hidden in the soft folds of elle’s sweatshirt, her tears soaking into the fabric as she cried herself into an exhausted silence, the weight of everything pressing down on her chest. the bed felt too big, too cold, and for the first time in a long time, ashley felt empty. 

[ashseavr]

favorite shift.

the soft wail of a baby crying cut the quiet of the early morning, pulling ashley from the depths of sleep. she blinked groggily - glancing at the monitor. her body was instinctively aware of the time before she even checked the clock on her nightstand—3 am, g’s usual feeding time. with a gentle sigh, she pushed the covers aside and slipped out of bed, her feet finding the cool floor as she made her way to the nursery.

“mm, comin’..”

she mumbled to herself almost, rubbing her eyes and pushing a few strands of her blonde messy hair behind her ear.

the small room was bathed in the soft glow of a nightlight, casting warm shadows on the walls adorned with stars and moons. ashley spent an entire week painting the infants room with a light pink, stressing that it somehow wasn’t good enough. 

g’s cries grew softer as ashley approached the crib, her heart swelling at the sight of her daughter’s tiny, outstretched hands, that grasped the air between the two.

“hey there, my sweet girl…,” ashley whispered, her voice still thick with sleep but filled with love. she leaned over the crib, gently scooping g up into her arms. the baby’s cries quieted to a soft whimper as she nestled against ashley’s chest, her little hands clutching at the fabric of ashley’s pajama top like they always did.

with practiced ease, ashley settled into the rocking chair by the window, cradling g as she lifted the bottle off the warmer. the rhythmic creak of the chair and the familiar warmth of her ashley’s arms seemed to soothe the infant, her small body relaxing as she eagerly latched onto the bottle.

as she drank, ashley watched her with a tender smile, her thoughts drifting to how much she loved these quiet moments in the stillness of the night. sure, being the one who did the early morning feedings could be tiring, but she wouldn’t trade it for anything. the world outside was silent, and it was just the two of them, wrapped in their little cocoon of warmth and love.

once g had finished, her tiny hand resting against the bottle as if to hold it in place, ashley set it aside and gently wiped the milk from her daughter’s chin. it hurt to see her trying to hold her bottle, a sign she was getting older and older with each second that past. 

“you’re getting so big, aren’t you?” she murmured, her voice soft and full of awe. “one day, you’re going to be saying all sorts of things…”

ashley cupped gg’s cheek, her thumb brushing lightly against the baby’s soft skin as she mouthed the word, “mama.”

gg stared up at her with wide, curious eyes, her little brow furrowing as she tried to mimic the movement of ashley’s lips.

 “ma… ma,” ashley repeated, exaggerating the motions as she smiled down at gg.

for a moment, it seemed like gg was simply watching, but then, to ashley’s surprise, a tiny sound escaped the baby’s lips—

“ma…”

ashley’s heart skipped a beat, her eyes widening in delight. “that’s it, sweetheart…!” she whispered, pressing a kiss to gg’s forehead. as excited as she was, she almost kicked herself for even trying to get her to say the word without elle there.

the blonde watched gabi play with her fingers and babble away, but also noticed the time. as much as she’d like to sit and have long 'conversations' with the three-month-old, she knew sleep was needed. 

g’s eyelids had already drooped as she leaned heavily against ashley, the new mother started to hum a familiar tune.

the song was an unexpected lullaby, something ashley had sung one night out of desperation when nothing else seemed to work. she had no idea what children liked, but the song ‘cowboy like me’ always calmed her - so she tried it with g. to her surprise, the soft, slow rhythm had worked like magic, lulling g into a peaceful slumber. since then, it has become their special song, the one that always seems to bring calm to the storm.

as ashley’s voice gently filled the room, gg’s breathing slowed, her tiny body growing heavier in ashley’s arms. the baby’s eyes fluttered closed, her little mouth still moving as if trying to form the word “mama” in her dreams.

ashley continued to rock her, her voice a soothing murmur as she sang the last notes of the song. when gg was finally asleep, her tiny fists curled against ashley’s chest, she couldn’t help but smile down at her daughter, feeling an overwhelming surge of love.

“you’ll say it soon, my sweet girl,” ashley whispered, her voice barely audible as she pressed one last kiss to gg’s forehead. “but for now, just sleep.”

with that, she carefully stood, cradling gg close as she placed her back in the crib. the baby stirred only slightly before settling back into the warmth of her blankets, her tiny chest rising and falling in the peaceful rhythm of sleep.

ashley watched her for a moment longer, her heart full, before quietly slipping out of the nursery. as she made her way back to bed, curling up next to elle, who was sleeping softly, she couldn’t stop the smile that spread across her face. this was her life, and it felt like a dream.

[ashseavr]

pen and papers.

warm morning light filtered softly through the curtains ashley had ironed days before, casting a gentle glow over the room. elle, still in her pajamas, sat cross-legged on the floor, a stack of papers in her hands. ashley sat beside her, holding gabrielle—gg—who was wrapped in a cozy blanket, her fuzzed hair tousled from sleep. the room was quiet, save for the soft murmurs of their voices and the occasional rustle of paper, and the infants mindless babbles.

“are you ready?” elle asked, her voice barely above a whisper as she handed the adoption papers to ashley. her eyes were warm but filled with the weight of the moment.

ashley looked down at gg, who was nestled comfortably in her arms, her tiny hand gripping ashley’s now wrinkled sleep shirt. she felt a lump form in her throat as she nodded, her heart swelling with emotion. “i’ve never been more ready,” she replied, her voice steady but thick with tears. she was a crier. she had come to accept it now. 

elle reached out, brushing a stray blonde strand of hair behind ashley’s ear, her touch lingering as she offered a chewed on blue pen. “then let’s do this,” she said softly, her own eyes shining.

with gg in her lap, ashley carefully took the pen from elle. she looked down at the papers, the official words swimming before her eyes for a moment. she knew what they meant—knew the significance of this step, not just for her, but for gg, for their family. 

gabrielle was elle’s daughter by adoption. when ashley came into the picture, dating someone with a child was new. it was scary. she didn’t know how to be a mom. she didn’t have one, aside from the maternal love emily showed her here and there. when things got serious, ashley ordered twenty-one baby books. the nights before elle moved in, she sat writing and highlighting in them, wanting to make sure she did everything right. she watched jennifer, and the way she loved her children fiercely. the way she’d comfort them if they scraped a knee - or how emily would speak so softly to her daughter. she’d watch elle sing to gg nightly, and how she rubbed the small circle pattern along her back until the drifted asleep. she learned how to be a mom, by those she hoped she could be a mother like. 

taking a deep breath, she signed her name, each stroke of the pen feeling like a promise, a commitment, a declaration of love.

as the pen left the paper, ashley exhaled, a single tear slipping down her cheek that she had fought to keep back. elle, unable to hold back any longer, reached over and wiped it away, her thumb lingering on ashley’s skin.

 “you’re her mommy,” elle whispered, her voice holding with emotion as she looked down at ashley.

ashley smiled through her own tears, her heart full, before elle pulled both her and gg into a tight embrace. they stayed like that for a moment, a small, perfect family, wrapped up in each other’s warmth and love.

safe. secure. together. 

they finally pulled apart, but not without exchanging another glance—one full of the shared understanding that this was just the beginning. in just a few hours, they would stand before one another exchanging vows and rings, becoming wives in every sense of the word on a whim, days before they had planned. but right now, in this quiet moment, they were already a family. they had always been.

gg squirmed in ashley’s lap, breaking the emotional silence with a small giggle. ashley laughed, kissing the top of her head before handing the pen to elle. “your turn, mama,” she said, her voice soft. all elle had to do was sign the agreements, with that same chewed pen. 

elle took the pen, her hands adding her signature next to ashley’s. the finality of it all, the weight of their shared future, settled over them like a warm blanket. 

“we did it,” elle whispered, her voice filled with awe and love. “we’re a family, ashley. officially.”

ashley kissed elle’s cheek, then gg’s, feeling her heart tighten in a way she had never felt before. “we are,” she agreed, her voice full of certainty.

they stayed like that for a while, on the floor in their pajamas. they’d switch from holding each other close, to laying on their stomachs and playing with their daughter - until the time caught up with them. 

“alright, future mrs. greenaway..grab your dress. we gotta get going,” elle softly spoke, running her fingers through ashley’s hair. in a way, this had at least gone to plan in someways. ashley wanted to sign adoption papers on their wedding day. today - had quickly become that day. 

ashley nodded, scooping up the infant in her arms as she stood.

“that we do. give me a second?”

ashley’s voice was soft, a light smile tugging her lips. she just wanted a moment with her daughter, and that much was clear without have to speak a word more. elle nodded, kissing her cheek and leaving the two alone. 

gabrielle looked up at ashley, the wide brown eyes she had someone gotten from elle captured her. they always did. the blonde lightly bounced the infant in her arms, walking around the safe space of her and elle's bedroom. 

“i promise you i’m always going to be here, kiddo. i’m sorry i wasn’t always here, although i’ll doubt you’ll remember that. just try not to grow up on me so fast, because i don’t want to miss anything more.”

the blonde blinked away her misty eyes, before gently pressing a kiss to the baby’s forehead - which seemed to enlighten her, soft giggles leaving gabrielle’s lips.

“you’re a mess. but you’re my mess. our mess. and you won't question that a day in your life.”

[ashseavr]

unexpected but welcomed.

a comforting silence filled a room, broken only by soft, breathless pants from the two, wrapped in each others arms. ashley’s head was resting on elle’s rising chest, her slim fingers lightly tracing absent-minded patterns across her partner’s skin. their skin damp, heat lingering between the two of them from their activities moments before. ashley’s blonde baby hair, wet with sweat, clung to her temples, while elle’s dark strands did the same. mirroring a bit of tenderness in the intensity they had shared 

ashley let out a soft sigh, her trembling body finally beginning to relax, her frame overwhelmed with emotions. she glanced up elle, her eyes still glassy from the tears she had shed during sex, a habit that had become familiar to them both. elle’s hand gently cupped ashley’s cheek, her thumb brushing away a few tears, before she kissed away the last remnants. 

“you’re okay, baby,” elle whispered, her voice filled with that tender care ashley had come to depend on. "i’ve got you.”

ashley nodded, snuggling closer to elle, feeling the warmth of her wife’s body seeping into her own. “i know,” she murmured, her voice thick with emotion. "i just… today was so much. in the best way, but… so much.”

elle smiled softly, her fingers trailing through ashley’s hair, untangling the little strands stuck to her face. “it was a lot,” she agreed, her tone light, but filled with love. “i still can’t believe we did it.”

they had a wedding date, and as life goes - it didn’t happen. they ended up running away and getting married days before their plan. 

ashley’s lips curved into a small smile as she thought back to earlier. “it was so last second,” she whispered, almost in disbelief. “but it was perfect, in it’s own way.”

she wouldn’t lie to herself. she was upset in a sense, still feeling guilty for it. she wanted her wedding. she wanted their wedding. the one she planned for months. the one she doodled in her planner about at work. she assumed that would go away one day. plans were just plans. her aunt always said ‘if you make plans, god will laugh’. ashley wasn’t religious, but those catholic sayings she grew up with seemed to stick in ways.

elle nodded, her own smile widening as she recalled the whirlwind of emotions that had led them to this moment. “it really was,” she agreed. “i know it wasn’t what you planned. what we planned.”

ashley’s heart fluttered at the memory. no, it wasn’t. but elle - her elle, was all that mattered to her right now. 

“i remember looking at you,” ashley said softly, her eyes meeting elle’s, “and just thinking, ‘why am i upset? how can i be? the love of my life is in front of me’.”

elle’s eyes softened, her hand coming to rest over ashley’s bare chest, right near her heart. “exactly,” she murmured. “i honestly couldn’t wait another second to call you my wife.”

that was true. elle had been begging daily to just do it. part of ashley felt guilty that she never agreed to just ‘do it’.

however, the word ‘wife’ sent a thrill through ashley, the blonde letting out a breathy laugh. “i love hearing that,” she admitted, her smile growing. “i love being your wife. i love being mrs.greenaway.”

elle’s smile mirrored as she leaned in to press a soft kiss to ashley’s lips after each pause. 

“ashley. wren. greenaway.,” she whispered against her mouth. “i love you.”

“i love you too,” ashley mumbled against elle, her voice trembling slightly, raspy from earlier.

they fell into a comfortable silence again, the weight of their day settling. ashley’s mind drifted back to their impromptu ceremony. then to the way they had exchanged vows on the beach alone that night, with nothing but stars surrounding them. there had been no grand event, no elaborate decorations or guest list like planned. just them, standing together, making promises that had already been in their hearts long before they ever spoke them to one another.

“i’m your wife,” ashley said, more to herself than to elle, her voice filled with a slight tenderness that came with her drowsiness each night.

ashley felt tears prickling at her eyes again, but this time she welcomed them. lying there with elle, she felt a sense of peace she had never known before. someone loved her.

elle's arms tightened around her, pulling her closer. “you are,” she whispered back, her voice tender. “you’re my sweet ashy. my wife. and also my girl, who is sleepy. i can tell it in your voice.”

ashley smiled, feeling the last of her tension melt away as she snuggled deeper into elle’s arms. she wouldn’t argue; she knew elle was right. instead of denying, she let out a quiet laugh, her heart swelling with a mix of emotions. within minutes, her body surrendered to the comfort of elle’s warmth like she did each night, her frame going limp as soft breaths escaped her lips.

elle listened to the gentle rhythm of ashley's breathing, a peaceful smile touching her own lips. she pressed a tender kiss to ashley’s temple, the soft scent of her hair, lavender and mint, lulling her into a drowsy contentment. slowly, the weight of the day faded away, and with ashley in her arms, elle found herself driving off to sleep as well, their breaths syncing into the restful patterns.