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[ashrantings-blog]

Pornbear 3: Forever Young

Excitingly enough, my spymaster has found some manner of artifact in the wild. Is it Mjolnir itself? My father’s nuts? Only time will tell, as I approve his search.

Porncub meanwhile sets to polishing his deceitful ways through good ol manipulation.

As well as turning Gregarious. At least it’ll make my future wife like me more; that honest/deceitful combination we’ve got going now isn’t good for chemistry.

Baldr chooses this time to try some revolutionary military techs, by which I assume he means “teach his men to turn the axe into the correct direction”. Either way, I give him the 1 gold he requires for this amazing, new step forward. Helsingland has finally been declared “too small for its own good” and King Ring heads to gobble it up without much ceremony.

Finally, a few months later, Porncub the brilliant strategist, comes of age! For the coming five years, all he will focus on doing is to seduce his wife and make the dynasty larger. At least in 8 months when she turns 16. Heavens knows that the Pornbearssons could do with some children. Also, I start a plot to have Hrörekr murdered, hire a new Chancellor to occupy the previously empty spot, and have him begin fabricating a claim on Gästrikland to the east. The boy ruling there has no friends, pacts or anything, and I intend to take his lands.

My wife Sigrid comes of age, and we marry instantly. She turned out to have some pretty kickass stats, along with a lot of virtues like kind, patient and diligent on top of her genetic bodily strength. I set my ambition to have a son, and realize that in spite of being a brilliant strategist, Sigrid’s martial score is much higher than Porncub’s. Maybe she should tutor our children as well.

Now, now. 2 gold for a man’s life? I consider it a bargain. You do what the hell you do, Oddr.

I wasn’t expecting the man to possess such agility at his respectable age. What’s worse, he’s revealed our plot and might just come seeking revenge now. Hopefully his abdominal pains that he suffers kills him off before he does something drastic. Either way, I bribe one of his commanders to join me in the plot, and the plot power jumps to roughly 90%. You just wait, Hrörekr. We’ll see who is the ballsiest in the end.

Meanwhile, Gudröd is found consorting with my mother of all people. You go mom! Just don’t go and give my any half-brothers that can screw with my succession and we’re goo-

Odin damn it! Hrörekr croaks from cancer before I can avenge my father! Fate is cruel indeed. Meanwhile, King Ring declares war on the chieftom of Sakutanta, marching his army east. Porncub eats in moderation at a feast and acquires the trait Temperate, which makes him more likeable! At least more so than the opposite, which was gluttonous. Our king meanwhile realizes he’s bitten off more than he can chew, facing an over 10.000 man strong army with his own 7k, and demands we join the war fully. We accept as to not get the penalty, but honestly, our 400 men would not do squat to change the tide so we do not even raise our levies.

Instead, Porncub finds himself a potential lover. Sofia joins my court, and I realize she carries both the Quick and Attractive traits, which are hereditary. Porncub instantly makes her his concubine, which is more legit than a regular lover in the norse world for whatever reason.

Also, my spymaster comes back with news regarding the artifact search! He needs more men, and seeing as I have no wars to worry about at the moment (sorry not sorry, Ring) I grant him his request. A terrible scream makes me lower the volume on my speakers as to not upset my neighbors: King Ring has been slain in combat by one of the Finns he pissed off. Ring’s son, Ragnarr immediately uses all the prestige he’s been hoarding upon getting the throne, and raises enough tribal men to actually beat the Finns back and take the fight to their lands. Meanwhile, I assume Porncub is just spending his time banging back at home.

Praise be, I was correct! 5 prestige because wiener works! Meanwhile, I allow my Chancellor to get married. His wife doesn’t like me much because she’s zealous and I’m a heretic, but thankfully it’s not my wife. Speaking of my Chancellor, he sucks. I replace him immediately.

My concubine Sofia is also preganté. Now, we’ve got a good chance to get at least one boy out of this. I will be quite upset otherwise.

Meanwhile, I never had the chance with Ring around, so I guess I will seduce Ragnarr’s mother. Maybe give him some pesky, much younger half-brothers that require their own holdings upon his death.

Seems she’s hard to catch however! I will have to be patient, like a snake in the tall grass. As the optimistic upper option says, surely there is no rush... With that, we conclude part 3 of Pornbear and his offspring.

[ashrantings-blog]

Pornbear: 2

Two months later, Pornbear is appointed Marshal by his liege. Vengeance comes slowly, and is best served to the descendants of the one who wronged you. He immediately sets to start the “Independence” faction in a bid to have friends join him.

Actually, scratch that. My liege declares war upon the Danish king Hrörekr! Pornbear’s vengeance might just come earlier than he had anticipated! The war goes surprisingly well, with Pornbear linking up with his liege early on and leading his segment of the army into victory after victory. My son turns 6 and is officially given a guardian; Baldr, my marshal. He’s a diligent man and a brilliant strategist, which no doubt will come in handy later on as northmen.

I’m given the chance to go out falconing, or to read a book that might just be bogus. Considering Pornbear’s earlier dumbassery, I posit reading a book might be worthwhile - I also lose the Stressed trait. Perhaps books are better for Pornbear than the pursuit of skirts? Speaking of books, it worked! Pornbear is inspired and acquire a point in diplomacy. Man, I think next time we’ll go shove our wiener in a tree instead of trying to woo a woman - it seems much less hazardous.

And speaking of hazardous! I hold a spear-throwing competition, impressing my peers whilst also giving my right hand something to actually do these days. Freyr, my chancellor, beats everyone however and nets himself some good prestige.

Spear-throwing in all honor, Freyr has nothing on the pure martial prowess of Pornbear. Nuts or not, I’m a force to be reckoned with. King Ring meanwhile is just sacking hold after hold in spite of having 100% warscore in his favor for ages; I think he’s just doing it for fun at this point. Northmen. Eventually though, the war ends with Ring’s kingdom stretching all the way down to Skåne. I am still holding on to my singular province, unsure of how to expand from this point - but I’m sure an opportunity will present itself sooner or later. A pig-dispute gives Pornbear the trait “Just” for being a pretty cool dude about the whole thing.

And speaking of cool dudes, Pornbear has written some pretty damn good poetry it would seem, and now he’s suddenly famous. King Ring’s conquests meanwhile continues as the rest of the Danes were involved in a separate mini-war with him. Pornbear studies some Alexander-era war tactics, which somehow helps him-

Some shitty uprising members capture Pornbear when King Ring decides to march his inferior army into its open maw. That’s what I get for supporting my king in his endeavors, I guess. While in prison, I pursue the scholar’s path in the hopes that books might once again save me from myself-

Pornbeeeaaaaar! He returns home, stressed, one-eyed and craven. His military days are, sadly, over. Meanwhile, another pig-related incident makes me able to be justifiably just and come across as both clever and nice. I gain some diplomacy at least. My king is down south, somehow having recovered from his catastrophic failures earlier, and Pornbear takes to building an observatory in his pursuit of knowledge!

Balls! (I have none) My son has contracted the flu. With no court physician, I can only hope he makes a miraculous recovery, lest this lineage will end very suddenly as wel-

Pornbeeeaaar! Rest in peace, you poor, poor bastard. You never got to see your observatory get built either. As I die horribly from my wounds I instead possess the body of my frail, flu-ridden 9 year old. His mother acts as regent in the meantime, as there’s a good 7 years before Porncub will be considered of age. I immediately betroth him to Sigrid of Austergautland, a girl who already displays qualities such as Strong and Kind (Strong being hereditary, which bodes well for their children). Now, we wait, and hope that King Ring doesn’t get us fucked as he has in the past.

Praise Odin, Porncub actually survives the flu.

And then immediately realizes he’s just so goddamn pretty, which worries his guardian for some reason. King Ring declares a subjucation war on Austergautland, which I stay out of courtesy of the non-aggression pact from my betrothal. Don’t wanna piss of the future missy, no sir.

As a token of his future dedication to his king, Porncub offers a random courtier to his liege as a concubine. She doesn’t seem to mind, probably because Porncub is exactly 10 years old and doesn’t have a clue what a concubine actually is or does. Hrörekr of Skåne meanwhile plans to usurp King Ring’s throne, starting his own independence faction. Though seeing how he was the one who cut my father’s balls off, I believe we’ll side with our king on this one. Join us next time, and we’ll see if Porncub ever gets to grow up to avenge his father.

[ashrantings-blog]

Pornbear: 1

The adventures of Pornbear the First begins.

First things first; I set to immediately build a market place to give a slight edge to my finances from the get-go. As no one is in diplomatic range anyway for me to bribe in order to replace my crappy council members, I rather invest my money than let it just sit. Meanwhile, Pornbear marries the only woman in the entire realm eligible for marriage; Ingfrid, a just and brave fortune-builder.

Pornbear sadly has no singular edge when it comes to his skills; every single aspect of him save for his beard is, in fact, sub par at best. Knowing I am going to have to produce an heir quickly, I resort to pursuing the seduction focus (in order to grease the wheels so to say). Having immediately satisfied my wish to get married, I instead set my ambition to have a son. Go forth and multiply!

Meanwhile, seeing as Vestergautland is nibbling on my heels to the west, I decide to swear fealty to none other than good ol’ King Ring. Ring accepts, saying I will “enjoy” his protection. We’ll see if you keep up that mentality once this bearded degenerate bangs his way across your kingdom, sir.

King Ring, having caught wind of the man’s immense mojo, instantly wishes for Pornbear to be put into harm’s way by appointing me marshal. I accept his challenge, not willing to seem cowardly in the face of my lord.

Ha-HAH! Babies. Scratch one for Pornbear. Perhaps we’ll even get a male heir and survive beyond a singular generation of House Hylling. I also get 5 prestige because my willy works. Nice.

Meanwhile I’ve been pulling a fast (slow) one in court every time someone’s brought up anything more wordly than my bed chamber. I decide to annoy my one seer rather than my marshal and chancellor whilst I make a note of perhaps looking into making Pornbear less of a moron in the future.

Speaking of morons, King Ring has finally realized our shitty martial score isn’t the best he has and considers replacing Pornbear as his marshal. Pornbear, never one to back down from a challenge, attempts to prove himself! As a consequence, nothing happens. Good job, Pornbear.

A son is born! Snorri pops out of Ingfrid like he’s destiny itself. I immediately rename Snorri into Porncub; the son of his father indeed! Ambition fulfilled, I tell Pornbear to attempt for a daughter this time. Our military is in no way, shape or form strong enough to take on any neighbor due to my shitty martial skill, so we wait and bide our time. Our market building at least finishes. Somehow convinced my Pornbear’s feeble actions, King Ring makes him a Commander of his armies. As well as marshal, again. I wasn’t aware that I had stopped being marshal, but Pornbear’s on top (as always) again!

I realize my son’s full name is bound to raise an eyebrow or two. But now, we set our true plan in motion;

Queen Alfhildr has produced two heirs so far! What a shame it would be should her husband bring up bastards of another lineage amongst his boys.

A scented letter is better than the pistol-hands approach I had imagined, I guess. Particularly as it worked! Time to see where this rabbit hole leads. As we meet up again, I am given the option between citing poetry, confessing my love, or suggesting something of a more carnal nature. Pornbear is no doubt a romantic, but his skill in bed is what makes him truly legendary - so I choose the latter, sadly resulting in the Queen blushing and rushing off. Curses!

Double curses! The game meanwhile reminds me that I haven’t raided or done anything naughty in a while so as a norseman I am starting to lose prestige. I’m working on it damn it. Regardless, I raise my levies and go raid the nearby town of Helsingland.

Pornbear meanwhile makes a move on Queen Skuld, the wife of the King of Sjaelland, which promptly ends in a way I hadn’t anticipated;

Pornbeeeeeaaaar! Your quest for banging is clearly not what it was cut out to be. I only hope that the king lets you go before you rot away completely in his jail. Thankfully, you can keep seducing his wife while in prison-

Pornbeeeeeaaaaaaar! Acquiring the stressed trait is not unexpected, and subsequently going for the “War” focus isn’t either. Such a great insult cannot be left unanswered! His ambitions to have a daughter squandered, Pornbear sets his sights on becoming marshal and honing his combat skills to the finest edge. Our quest for vengaence continues in the next piece!

[ashrantings-blog]

Chapter 3: Freedom (in a way)

I briefly ponder being all conservative and going into hiding before remembering I’m not a total wimp. Alfr hides from no man, woman or child. Incidentially, I switch my character focus from War to Hunting, as it gives me that health bonus. Alfr may have no fear, but he’s not getting any younger. A lady I had forgotten about in my dungeon dies. I realize I should probably look into my prisoner situation, and-

Things immediately turn more serious than simple prison neglect. We are in an independence war, and Tjudmund, the orchestrator of the faction, wishes for me to be its commander. I accept; it’s time to make the Legless even less leggy. Now is the time for-

Alfr to get maimed, apparently. Some random nobody in the field gets the better of him and leaves Alfr severely wounded; like if Bond were to get shot by some dude on skis while going down the mountain in The Spy Who Loved Me. Minus the yellow jumpsuit.

Faith and Begorrah! No jumpsuit, but a mask! Alfr has become disfigured as a result of his injury in the field. So much for Direct Leader and Rough Terrain Expert, maybe you should’ve focused on the art of ducking instead? His wife immediately loses all respect for him and thinks he’s hideous, changing the chance of me producing additional heirs to almost zero.

Birger, upon seeing his lord’s poor excuse for a mask, promptly dies; either that or he could not stand my apparent ignorance of how war works - I’m being called into a war I already thought I was fighting. Fair enough.

I invite to court, and appoint Baghatur the Tengri as my new Steward, as there simply were no eligible people in my entire realm otherwise. I finally amass enough Prestige to unleash my own band of pagan degenerates, and which more than doubles my forces almost instantly.

War never changes. Somehow, in spite of my initial numerical advantage and the statistics speaking in my favor, my liege manages to magically conjure an army of over 4.2k troops, which instantly sets me back. The man who started this entire war meanwhile sits safely in the west, doing absolutely nothing even though his army could have been pivotal in the war. Alfr, disfigured and disgraced, is forced to watch his men get slaughtered to the last.

Malmfrid dies depressed and hating her husband, clutching her chest as everything burns around them. The Legless appears super upset over the attempted revolt and chases the fleeing army of Alfr around the field, never letting them recover.

Catching a moment’s respite, Alfr is no longer severely injured, but carries the scars with him. The Legless momentarily lets us go in order to sack Gästrikland, and I in turn set to siege Helsingland, as perhaps landing some prestige to cushion the massive penalties of this loss might be the only thing that we can do at present.

Klas, a random man at my court, dies while on the loo. I have a feeling it was the dysentery.

The war finally ends, Birger being appointed Regent in my absence as the Legless throws Alfr in jail. Being limited between the choices of pursuing the path of a scholar, a theologian or seduction, I naturally choose the last one; Alfr will be like the phantom of the opera. The masked stranger with sex appeal, banging the wife of a certain legless person. My son also ends up in jail; guilt by association I reckon.

My son then immediately dies. This puts me in a pretty dire spot as Alfr has no heirs, and he’s really poor of health, and he’s in prison and-

Well then. Three chapters is what we ended up with before the lineage ended with Alfr having “not accomplished anything of note”. I’ll take what I’ve learned from this playthrough and try to apply it to my next one. Until next time, people!

[ashrantings-blog]

Chapter 2: War

The war is on, and a decisive battle is taking place right on top of my damn capitol. Things are looking grim for King Ring(muscle), and I have a feeling that my measly 19 fellows trailing to join the fight probably won’t play a decisive role.

The battle went so badly that it gave my wife dysentery. As my soldiers scramble to get away from the danish army, I send for my court physician (I have one now) to use the very cutting edge of medical science to save my wife.

Alfr takes some lessons from the horrible defeat suffered at the hands of the Danes and realizes that if your center collapses, it doesn’t matter if you have flanks. He becomes a Direct Leader, and seeing how he’ll be my main leader for future campaigns, it suits me nicely. Ring will undoubtedly keep shoving him to the flanks in order to get the glory himself however.

My son has a daughter while I detach myself from Ring’s army, who seems utterly insistent on hanging around the 4000 man strong army of the Danes and getting their butts slapped. I march south with the intent of sieging, raiding and beating up some isolated armies for the sake of my own glory. This war is pretty much over already unless Ring pulls a magic rune out of his arse. I beat the crap out of the people sieging my friend over on the small island of Burgundaholm at least; some solace in these dire times.

For some reason Alfr has been trying to build the legend of his liege. Right now this seems to help in absolute no way what so ever. The warriors seem content to hang around somewhere unknown after being psyched up.

It is at this time that Birger decides that the moment has come to finally get his shit together and fabricate a claim on Herjadal. It’ll make the double-chins posing as Chief Sigtrygg super mad at me for pushing the claim, but I may as well whilst waiting-

Holy shit, Alfr, what? I resist my horrible impulses on this one, and instead release her from prison in the hopes that Alfr won’t have those thoughts again. Immediately afterwards, I get news that someone is conspiring to kill my wife, and I send her into hiding to avoid whoever is plotting that for whatever reason. Having disbanded my levy in a safe spot, I hunker down and wait for the war to be over.

Obviously it’s not appreciated, as I immediately uncover rumors of an assassination attempt on my person. My son promptly eats something bad and starts to suffer from food poisoning, so I call upon my court physician. Can’t you see I’m busy trying to not die, Eirikr? No respect. I declare war on Herjedal, with the intent of blitz-taking it while the Danes are busy sieging Ring’s holdings in the south.

Beata, having supplanted her husband (my son) as my spymaster, dies of chestpains at the age of 20. I immediately marry him to Ingfrid, seeing as he’s only managed to produce a daughter over the years and my lineage is threatened by laws of succession should certain assassination plots suddenly reap success.

Several things happen at once; Alfr reads some more Alexander, and my war in Herjedal is made complicated by the chiefdom being usurped by their neighbor of Heidmark, whose war I promptly inherit and fight out. So less than a week of successfully taking it, I return to the exact same holding and siege it again, except this time it has a different flag outside it.

Finally the war ends! Ring concedes his entire damn kingdom to King Brandr of Sjaelland. The Danes’ holdings turn massive, and he is now my new liege. Interestingly, he likes me more than Ring ever did; in due part because of my stewardship, but mostly because we’re both fatties that share the Gluttonous trait. Alfr becomes a Rough Terrain Expert, figuring out how hiding behind trees is advantageous so long as the enemy does not know you’re hiding there.

My wife is pregnant! But Alfr could’ve sworn he was away when it happened. I immediately hire someone even though it puts me at a deficit in order to find out the truth of the matter! Leave no stones unturned! The war in the north meanwhile concludes with me as the victor; extending beyond the domain count I can hold I give the holding to my son and only heir, who promptly stops being spymaster. I had forgotten about that. I appoint my own wife as spymaster, as I figure it’s better to have someone than none at all.

In other news, my King is now known as “The Legless”. I assume it’s due to, you know, him lacking a leg. But he’s also lacking an eye, so why does his leg take precedence? One of life’s many mysteries. My search into my wife’s potential unfaithfulness turns up fruitless, and I for once decide to let it go. My daughter is finally old enough to require guidance, and I grant my court physician the honor, making him like me just a little bit more too. Absolutely goddamn nothing happens for more than 4 months, and I slowly turn my deficit around. Can’t wait for the viking ages.

I get a daughter called Malmfrid. Alright, cool. As I see my son join the “independence” faction, I wait for my strength to build as I wish to join myself. According to stats, my army is 88% of my leige’s total strength, which sounds pretty crazy but might be true if the reason for his massive, past army was that it was built around one of those 2.5k prestige-bought ones. Now things are getting interesting.

My liege’s wife, Björg, keels over after eating something funky off of the dinner table. That is, anything on the dinner table. As things stand, my king is weak, and I am strong. I join the independence faction, and wait.

[ashrantings-blog]

Chapter 1: Beginnings

It would appear that Alfr sadly isn’t blessed with much else than a sense for stewardship, which is unbecoming for a future viking. His patient nature however makes him a decent defensive soldier, which I might just find some good use for; particularly as we are not the masters of our own fate just yet, starting off as vassals under King Sigurdr Ring of Svibjod. My son Eirikr is more balanced - a Shy yet Flamboyant Schemer who somehow manages to be both Ambitious and Temperate at the same time. His forte, unlike his father, is thus guile and the stabby kind of diplomacy. Alfsol, the daughter, is still too young to have stats or traits, and her portrait is turned sideways with chubby cheeks and a blank stare, waiting to be filled with my ideas and glorious ambition.

First things first; Alfr must get married again and produce some more boys in case something horrible happens to my son, which would potentially mean game over upon Alfr croaking it. As such, I set my “ambition” to get married, and then start looking for a suitable wife. The women of the realm however seem less keen on marrying a dirty 39-year old at the meagre age of 16, but this is the way things were back in ye olde day. Aslaug, who is already in my court, has some pretty serious stewardship stats herself that would be nice to add to Alfr’s own, so I arrange a marriage between his fuzz and her vacant stare. A match made in heaven. I find a lady for my son too, who is also into spy-related shit.

Next comes setting a Focus, which is essentially what lifestyle your ruler pursues. Considering Alfr is a northerner surrounded up other pagans who are looking at his domain between deep, creepy breaths, pursuing the War focus doesn’t seem like a bad idea. It improves his Martial ability either way, which will be good when fighting goes down; and it will. Onto that, I might just be able to challenge people to duels, which will be hilarious assuming I win.

Looking over my council I come to realize two things; my son is my spymaster, and my steward is mediocre at best. 

I set to replace Grimr and immediately find Birger, who is willing to come over and check out my court in exchange for some hard cash. I concede, because in the Af Vendel family I’ll be damned if we accept anyone mediocre to handle our dealings.

Looking at my closest neighbour Porbjörn (Lit. swe: Porn/porebear) I realize he’s independent, has no friends, and has an incredibly weak levy. As Alfr’s ambition to get married now is also fulfilled, netting me some of that sweet, sweet Piety, I set his sights a little lower; Become King of Sweden. Also I declare a subjugation war on Porbjörn, with the intent of taking his lands.

Several things happen at once; Birger accepts my generous invitation (and bribe) and replaces Grimr as my Steward, and my liege King Sigurdr Ring declares a subjugation war in turn on Helsingland. As my army shuffles in to beat the daylights out of Pornbear, the rest of the kingdom rallies behind the king and marches north to grab some land of their own. As I siege Jarnberaland, King Ring rolls up with 1.6k troops to swallow a singular province into his kingdom.

Seeing his King swag past him with an army roughly twice his size, Alfr suddenly feels the urge to have more than what he does and acquires the Ambitious trait. Helsingland is straight up subjugated and put inside the kingdom’s borders even though I started my siege before King Ring. Never the less, within 2 months the gates of the little village of Jarnberaland falls, and I take it for myself.

Immediately upon conquering the province, I set my steward to fabricate a claim on Herjedal, which isn’t technically part of the Swedish kingdom and thus I do not have any claim to it even with my ambition to become King. My son is also sent to Constantinople to spy on their secrets and try to figure out how to build anything bigger than a mud hut. I set my sights north towards Tryggve of Medelpad, just past Helsingland that my liege conquered, and see that our armies are at present quite evenly matched. I play the waiting game and scheme meanwhile.

The very moment I see my levy is sizeable enough and declare war, my liege has the same idea but southwards and proclaims the Swedish-East Geatish Subjugation War. I take my men and march north, giving somewhere between zero and null craps about his dealings. I intend, after all, to eventually overthrow him. Ring immediately pressures me to join his war, lest I lose some Prestige, and I agree to do so without turning my armies around. I’m your moral support, Ring. Don’t worry-

Balls. My wife Aslaug keels over at dinner, clutching her stomach. Her recent period of Diarrhea, Fever and Abdominal Pains had clearly not tipped me off to actually call for a court physician. I realize I have no court physician, which might explain my wife’s sudden passing. No one person in my entire damn northern nation is deemed capable of being such either.

I bribe a man called Saemundr who appears at least partially educated to come to my court, and he fills the role nicely. Perhaps this could prevent further mishaps. My army meanwhile is reinforced randomly by Helsinglander infantry, who probably believe I am acting in the interest of their lord. I do not complain, and remarry a woman called Malmfrid whilst sieging the northern holdings. It’s good to be the future king-

Grimr decides it’s time to leave this earthly life just a month after my x-wife. He was doing nothing save for just hanging around in my court at this point, so I don’t really know why I should give a rat’s arse. Shove him out to see on a ship on fire, subjects! Meanwhile I run back and forth, slapping Tryggve and his army like a ping pong ball between his two provinces (thus, where he can retreat after defeat), ensuring his army shrinks significantly before I take to sieging his capitol down. My liege is fighting a hard-won war down south and probably could have used my troops. Alas, I’m busy usurping you, sir.

After the siege concludes I manage to drag Tryggve’s wife Aslaug (kudos to your taste in spouse-names though, sir) out of her hiding, and imprison her. Tryggve would have loved to pay her ransom to get her free, but sadly he’s well into the minuses so she gets to rot a little longer. The war ends promptly as I beat Tryggve’s desperate army once more, and I sieze all his holdings. His wife however remains in my prison, and I look her stats over briefly before letting her remain there. Maybe he can afford her release in the future. My liege meanwhile actually loses his first fight in the south, and I start to plot against his holdings instead. He only has one son, and what a shame it would be if he were to somehow croak before his time.

The Kingdom of Sjaelland with King Brandr at the front decides that my liege is a dick and decides to help Austergotland the only way they know how; declare a war of their own upon King Ring. Things are getting interesting as I also notice that there’s a small faction amongst Ring’s vassals, to whom I belong, that wish to demand independence.

But before joining any more dodgy plots, I wish to add one last province to my growing lands by kicking Chief Sarra, aka Chief Moustache, off of his throne or whatever equivalent that the Chiefs sit on up in the north. Meanwhile, King Ring pulls a fast one and after just barely sliding over 100% Warscore in his war, takes the entirety of Austergotland and the south for himself. The victory might be short-lived however as the Danes are coming marching from the south.

Speaking of short-lived, the cockgoblin immediately decides to demand I join his futile war, or suffer the penalty of 300(!) Prestige and potentially suffer disfavor to trust among the people of the world should I decline. To put this in perspective, Pagans of the north can immediately summon a 2.5k strong army with the aid of 500 Prestige, rallying warriors to your side, so it’s arguably a more valuable resource than money at this stage in the game. I am forced to relent, and hope my own personal expansion war ends as soon as possible.

Alfr decides this is the time to read up on Alexander the Great. Perhaps we can avoid certain pitfalls of his, like dying horribly. Ring’s Queen, Alfhildr has sadly managed to pop out another boy of his in the meantime, which might make my more stabby, shady plans more difficult-

Or not. Ragnarr, Ring’s firstborn croaks just as my siege in the north is about to end. He’s back down to 1 inheritor which, if we manage to murder him, will splinter his realm in a thousand pieces, but if we don’t, mean that he’ll maintain all his holdings and keep it all together. It’s a high-risk game, in a way.

Stricken with grief, King Ring puts a random woman to death by burning her at the stake. We all have our ways of dealing with loss, my liege, but damn. Also, upon the successful siege of his village, I capture Chief Sarra’s wife, daughter and a random courtier of his and throw them in my dungeon.

Either way, my war up here is over; I take his holdings and march south in an attempt to help my liege, in the hopes that I’m not next for the newly warmed-up stake. Disbanding and re-raising my levy, I send almost a thousand men to my King’s side. Let’s see how this turns out in the near future.

[ashrantings-blog]

Ladies, gentlemen and everyone in between! Join me in Crusader Kings II as I attempt to play my home of homes, Vestmanland, under the Gluttonous, Envious, Paranoid and yet Patient gaze of Alfr the fortune builder.