ashleyjameslawrence

[ashleyjameslawrence]

Today marks the start of 2024. My first start of the year without my dad, today’s been hard. I miss you so much , words can’t describe how much I miss you.

I wish I got to tell you one last time how much I truly love you, I regret not going over as much. I regret not going over the night before you passed, I’m so sorry dad. It didn’t mean I don’t love you, we both know I really do love you.

You’ll always be my dad , you’ll always be my hero, I’ll forever love you.

[ashleyjameslawrence]

The day you left this earth , you left a huge hole that will never be filled.

You left behind me and my sister Chelsea. Your two kids that worshipped the ground you walked on. We will never again be able to hold you and tell you that we love you. There isn’t a moment in the day where we don’t think of you or wonder how you are. Every second that passes , it’s killing me more and more. I just want one more moment with you, one more chance to tell you that I love you.

[ashleyjameslawrence]

When you make someone feel attractive and tell them what you like about them and they attack you for mentioning their body too much…you literally told me you like nothing about yourself to help your self esteem and help you feel attractive I told you what I like about you , I’m such a bad guy for being nice

[ashleyjameslawrence]

I’m now just over 3 days into Ashley & Lukas 2.0 Reborn. So far I think it’s going okay , there’s been no arguments or debates which is what we both wanted.

However , despite there being no arguments or debates it actually feels emotionally/connection wise like we’re taking a step back. The vibe or atmosphere feels off , he’s really distant lately and I don’t know why , I’m doing everything possible to not be cut out of his life this Saturday but yet I feel like it’s not repairing.

I’m being so do over cautious about how I’m talking , watching what I say and even triple reading all my messages! I’ve proven we can be good , however it only seems at the moment like it’s changes from my side happening 🥲

I don’t know what to do , I told myself I’ll fight like hell for him because I have such deep feelings for him , genuinely worship the ground he walks on , I want him in my life , he’s always there when I need him , he supports me so much , he’s the o r constant fixed thing in my life currently that gets me through the dark days. I know deep down the hopes/dreams of one day going on a date with him is dead in the water now.

I’m so anxious about Saturday , the pressure is unreal, it actually makes me cry randomly knowing he can still say he’s going 🥹 I’m probably “getting ahead of myself”. I’m just trying so so hard but I’m holding back on the core of my personality and that’s being naturally flirty , being hard faced/not taking shit , being in touch with my emotions. The version I’m being currently is soooooo stripped back! Sometimes it feels like I’m being fake because I’m too scared of being myself out of fear of being binned 😭.

A huge majority of me just wants to call it a day now, I don’t want to disappoint him anymore or hurt him. I also just want to run because I can’t face Saturday when it comes, I’m too much of a pussy I just can’t do it. The other part of me is fighting telling me not to give in , you don’t give up on people you love. Do we just call it quits now whilst we’re happy and there’s no issues and go out smiling? I honestly do not know anymore 🥹

[ashleyjameslawrence]

This week has been horrendous. Today the man I completely adore has said he’s done with me and to cut contact. He thinks we are better off without each other, in all honesty that completely breaks me because I disagree with that so much!

We’ve had such a hard few weeks , we’ve both got so much going on in our lives , he’s got stuff going on with his mum , court case , mental health , his friend , work & personal life and I’ve got my mental health , my dad and other stuff I’m yet to speak to him about. Our lives are so crushing and everyday we are on the edge of a breakdown but it’s not even surprising considering how much we go through on a daily basis.

I’ve persuaded him to stick around for a week to give me a shot at repairing it because I genuinely believe we benefit each other and I know we really care for one another , it’s just so sad we can’t handle pressure. I told him we need to both open up and talk when we are stressed, stop taking stress out on each other. I need to make a few adjustments my side and so does he , I really really hope we come out of this mended :( the thought of losing him out my life actually kills me inside , it’s horrible

[ashleyjameslawrence]

It’s been a few days now since I experienced one of my darkest days in a while. While everything still terrifies me about my diagnosis and also with how close to the edge I was , I’m fairly positive. I think things are back on track with the beautiful boy , we haven’t argued and he seems to be more open now which is good, I still don’t know if he wants to rip my clothes off like the hulk though 💀. Colbz started his new job today , miss him like mad at work! I’ve not been made redundant and survived the second round so I live to fight on a little more , there’s drama on the horizon with the family though so that’s going to be fun 👀

[ashleyjameslawrence]

So today without thinking about it I said love you to my little beautiful Italian stallion 🥹😍💙 this guy melt my heart honestly , the kindest most sweetest beautiful lad I’ve ever met in my life , every time I see his photo on WhatsApp with those stunning eyes and that cute little freckle on his nose it just hits me differently

[ashleyjameslawrence]

The middle part though 😈 #IfYouKnowYouKnow

[ashleyjameslawrence]

3 days after being friend zoned and I’m still mad that he’s actually working it out with that little freak who treats him like shit who probs is on his 10th job in 3 days 💀 swear his boyfriend makes me so fucking mad with how he treated him , if I could bring back the nazis and give him to them I would 😂 he actually deserves so much more than that test tube baby.

[ashleyjameslawrence]

Seriously , why can’t he just give me direct answers? I’m so fucking lost. I don’t like the unknown , it makes me anxious. I can’t keep accepting the maybes and possibly as an answer , I genuinely wish he would be as direct as me without worrying how it would look and stop protecting his relationship with that retarded little boyfriend of his, he deserves so much better ffs 🤬🤬🤬

[ashleyjameslawrence]

I just got friend zoned with immediate effect 💀 no warning , no time to process and rest , after months of pure happiness with the guy who was my light it all crumbles down within a couple of minute. Fuck my life I’ve never felt so empty in all my life :/ 🥹😭

[ashleyjameslawrence]

It’s been a couple of weeks since I got friend zoned with multiple boundaries and rules put into place , it came out of absolute nowhere and I didn’t expect it , I had no time to react or process it.

In those early months and weeks I used to wake up smiling , go to sleep smiling. I felt so alive again , so happy with life , I felt so special I had someone in my life who was so similar to me who likes what I like , who is as open and direct with their feelings as I am. I used to get bombarded with such cute and funny messages which quite often used to make me cry with happiness , I used to see his name pop up on my phone and I would just feel so warm and happy with my life. We used to talk about literally everything together , the good bad and ugly and never held back. I know he had a boyfriend and I get that , I know at some point potentially he would work things out with him and I’d of been happy for him.

I just don’t understand how such a massive switch can happen so instantly and everything that was built up can be instantly ripped away, all we built was torn down over months collapsed within minutes of a conversation. I just remember the feeling of being so empty and lost and in complete shock from it. I wish I had time to react and process everything, I got too attached too quick and I looked at him with absolute and complete affection , worshipped the ground he walked on, he was the guy that I always wanted in my life & the guy I would want to spend the rest of my life with at one point in the future :/

I genuinely am struggling with these new boundaries , I’m finding myself flipping between emotions , having outbursts and struggling with conversation and I’ve never struggled like this before. I used to be such an open spirit and full of laughter and happiness but I’m actually broken. I’m not sure how a guy I barely know has affected me so much but I guess I’m my darkest times in life when I was at the point of suicide he was that light that kept me fighting and he gave me something to live for. It just doesn’t feel the same with the boundaries anymore and rules, it’s like a really tamed version of what we had without the laughter and joy from before.

[ashleyjameslawrence]

I don’t understand why it’s so hard to get direct answers out of someone instead of political answers , maybes , possibly etc. it couldn’t be so difficult. If you genuinely care about someone as much as you say you do , you just tell them the answer directly without saying things like “you need to change first” because that’s not a friendship , especially when there’s history and enough has already been proven in the past! The amount of times I have to remind them that I ask questions for validation/security and to help how I feel is unreal but yet the uncertain answers continue or shade is thrown back like “this is what you do” and it just gets twisted and taken out of context. It hurts to say but I’m getting so close to being done with this guy now , I’m not innocent myself but there’s so much uncertainty with him. I’m the most direct person going with emotions , even when I was taken I was direct with him but I don’t get the same in return.

[ashleyjameslawrence]

This last week has been horrendous. I’ve never felt so terrified and uncertain of the future in all my life , actually violently throwing up and bursting into a ball of tears even thinking about it. Constantly thinking whether I’ve done something so bad in my life I actually deserve what’s happening.

I’ve barely slept at all in the last week , I literally lay in bed and just think and think and think , when I do get to sleep I wake up gripping my mattress as hard as I can and I just cry , occasionally scream because I’m just terrified of life.

This week I’ve cut so many people out of my life because I’m finding so many fake friends who just aren’t there for me. They’re only there when they need something and I haven’t got time for people like that. I’ve got a couple of friends which I’m on the edge with , people I’m not sure where they fit into everything. I’ve got one friend who since day once confuses me because the emotions/feelings aren’t the same as everyone else, my emotions & feelings with this guy since day one has been overpowering and makes me question everything. I can either be the best person with him around or I can be the most moody person ever. I can love him one day , hate him the next day. As much as I try and break down that friendship it turns into a slagging match because I never get clear cut answers, it’s always throwing shade back and it never gets anywhere. He just doesn’t properly open up , it’s all maybe this , maybe that , change this and you’ll find out. I maybe should change and I’ve tried and I did, still no answers. Some answers can be done regardless of what’s happened before.

I’m so thankful for my bestmate colbs , if it wasn’t for him allowing me to fully open up and just cry and talk everything through and let me rant I probably would have given up,