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[ashleyangelly]

Secret Thoughts, Secret Smiles

Secret Thoughts, Secret Smiles

I have a well of secret happy thoughts. Thoughts that make my heart light and the days go by in a pink fluffy haze and wrap me in warm fuzzy feelings. I think these secret thoughts and I smile a secret smile. Yet, I am not sure what, if anything, I should do with them.  They make me happy, these strong little thoughts. But they don’t have anywhere to go. They don’t move in any direction. They…

[ashleyangelly]

Happy Birthday To Me

Its my birthday today. Its been a while since I mustered up the courage to write one of these. This idea has been banging around my head for a while though and I think I finally cracked it open. I have been plotting all these year-long goals to give myself yet feeling very much not worthy or capable. Then today it dawned on me. Let go of the future and focus on today. Screw running a marathon…

[ashleyangelly]

Just gimme a minute.

Just gimme a minute.

If anyone was counting, or paying attention, I know I said I would start posting daily, and I have not.

I realize this.

I am writing this to let you know that my lack of posting doesn’t mean I am not working on a post. It is just that I am putting in more effort than one day would permit. I hope to have something that will be more meaningful and entertaining as a result. If this goes well…

[ashleyangelly]

Third Times the Charm?

Third Times the Charm?

So far I have written two different versions of this blog post. In one I am optimistic. I explain what I have been up to these last five months and my sincere desire to begin daily posts again. Then there is the other version. 

This second version is darker. I tell you how nothing has changed and see no hope of things ever changing. I tell you that even if I couldcommit to posting something…

[ashleyangelly]

Plan Ahead

I have had a set goal for myself to get the blog posted and 250 fiction words written every day. The thing is, I keep pushing them off until to the last minute. Frequently I am writing after the kids are home from school or even right before I go to bed. And, I confess, there have been several times I have simply not done the fiction words at all. I know I need a different plan.

So, I have…

[ashleyangelly]

Getting Ready For The Holidays

Getting Ready For The Holidays

I am gearing up for the chaos that will be the next two weeks.

Wish me luck. I will try to keep up with daily posting but I doubt I will be very introspective until after new years.

On a different note, the boys had a tough day a school so when they came home we sat by the fire, sipped hot chocolate, and watched old Christmas movies. It was my slice of wonderful for the day.

[ashleyangelly]

Asking For Help

Another day here and gone. I don’t know if I accomplished anything. I sort of feel like I backslid a bit today.

I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist now. At the end of January. So that is good. It was a process to get in. I am grateful I am well enough to put in the work to get help. It would be all too easy to slip away and fall off the board.

I suppose that is one of the reasons I…

[ashleyangelly]

And Then I Woke Up

And Then I Woke Up

I did it! Yesterday ended up being a bust, but today (last night) I got eight hours of sleep!

And you know what happened next?

I got out of bed!

Yep, you heard right. I got out of bed, then I made the bed, and then I straightened up the bedroom. None of that could be categorized as bare necessity. That was all pure luxury.

Could it be that this was what I needed all along? Could it be…

[ashleyangelly]

Sleeping My Way To Health and Happiness

Sleeping My Way To Health and Happiness

I feel a bit better today. And yesterday I felt a bit better as well. I took a real close look at those days to see if I could determine any variations that might account for this. The one thing I discovered, I had eight hours of sleep.

I never get eight hours of sleep. A majority of nights I get a little over five. On a good night I sleep a touch past seven. But for whatever reason (It was…

[ashleyangelly]

Not Today

It is Sunday morning as I write this. I have decided that I will have a good day today. I am sick of having bad days. I am sick of feeling down and hurt and confused and helpless. Today will be different.

I did all the scary things yesterday. I did all the hard things I didnt want to do. I did all the outside talking to strangers. Today there is no more of that required.

Today I can sit or…

[ashleyangelly]

And I Am Spent

And I Am Spent

What a busy Saturday.

There is nothing left inside me.

And it hurts.

[ashleyangelly]

Book Recommendation: HEX

HEX by Thomas Olde Heuvelt

This was an amazing book. I wanted to start it all over again the instant I read the last sentence. It is about a town, Black Springs, which lives under a curse. Whoever lives there, whether they move or are born there, they can never move away. Anyone who tries to leave, who spends more than a night or two away from the town, is overwhelmed with fantasies of…

[ashleyangelly]

As Darness Falls

I had a lot to do today. In between tasks I curled up under the blankets and cried until I fell asleep. It made me feel better.

Now it is the end of the day. All I have left are kid related activities. Things like bedtime, showers, homework, and reading. Their small smiles and rambling explanations fill my heart with love.

But after the lights go out and the silence lies down on top of me…

[ashleyangelly]

I'm Not Ok and That's Ok

I'm Not Ok and That's Ok

Another day done. I did there bare minimum. I didn’t do anymore than that and I didn’t get mad about it.

There were plenty of moments when I thought of all the things I would like to do. I want to put up more Christmas decorations around the house, I want to put lights up outside the house, I want to clean up the living room, and vacuum, and scrub and wash and… you get the idea.

Whenever I…

[ashleyangelly]

Waiting

I had another bad day today. After this weekend full of lights and sounds and people… I need some time to recover.

Although I don’t think I would feel much better even if I had spent the weekend at home alone.

That’s just where I’m at right now.

Still waiting to hear from back from the psychiatrist. It’s only been a couple days so there is no need to get worried.

But I am struggling

[ashleyangelly]

Bad Dreams

Last night I had a nightmare about my ex… the stalker, not the ex-husband.

After my marriage fell apart I dated this guy for a while. He was a really nice guy and he seemed to think the world of me. But then things started to get a little weird. I put up boundaries and he didn’t like that. Eventually I was forced to end things completely.

He didn’t handle the break up in a normal way. He…

[ashleyangelly]

And Now the Wrapping

And Now the Wrapping

I spent my entire day wrapping presents and now I am completely wiped out.

I feel like I have been run over by a truck. Maybe part of that is due to all the human interaction I experienced yesterday.

But hey, I didn’t spend the day in bed! Either today or yesterday. So there is that. And that is pretty great.

Anyway, it is late and I am tired. So now I am going to bed.