ashes2ash

[ashes2ash]

An excerpt from a journal entry that I stumbled upon that feels really fitting for this scorpio full moon:

2/22/24: “I no longer feel resentment for the past. I no longer make excuses for those who have hurt me. I forgive and I send all of them my love. I hope they grow and they feel peace. We’re all experiencing humanness, and with that, brokenness. But we all deserve to feel peace. We all deserve to feel and know love. Because when we know love, it transforms us.”

[ashes2ash]

hi my baby

I’m rereading all of these posts with the biggest “🥹” face ever because you are so baby. Even though these posts were made 2-3 years ago (and most of them private), you have grown so so so much and I need you to know that it does get better.

This version of me is so unrecognizable but I love her so much. I’ll give her grace because she didn’t know all that she does now. She was still learning. She was so sensitive.

But we celebrate sensitivity now. We celebrate loneliness. We celebrate conditions. I can’t imagine a world where I’d give up my values for someone ever again. When you are confident in yourself and truly, truly know who you are, you will never settle. My love comes with conditions honey.

I have been in and out of relationships for the past 4-5 years now without even truly knowing myself and what I seek in a partner. Without having a clear definition of what you seek in love, those relationships are bound to fail. Now that I’m taking this time to get to know myself, I’m glad I’m truly starting to define what love means to me. I see love so differently now….there has been so much unlearning in this process. I never thought I’d be so happy in my solitude. I never thought I’d be able to be truly alone. I’ve just yearned to be chosen for so long that I’ve finally decided to choose myself. And this has singlehandedly been the most beautiful phase of my life this far.

My Ash, my beloved soft soft girl.

You are so sweet and I love you most.

[ashes2ash]

hi i have covid and love music

[ashes2ash]

omfg thats crazy. ive been having the worst time being alive lately n the moment i start feeling rlly great playing my video game… it crashes T___T why…world….

[ashes2ash]

Last night I finished The Alchemist.

Such a great read, probably my favorite book I’ve ever read in my life so far, and one that really left me feeling different.

This exerpt in particular stood out to me:

“We are afraid of losing what we have, whether it’s our life or our possessions and property. But this fear evaporates when we understand that our life stories and the history of the world were written by the same hand.”

I get this feeling of interconnectedness. I am connected with all things, and all things connected me, and one another connected in the same necessity as the other.

And most importantly, this exerpt left me feeling important (but not to be confused with independent or “most important”) and that the importance of our life stories are just as important as the history of the world, because in this sense, our lives are the history of the world. And now, in relation to possessiveness and the fear of loss, one shall be free of this fear when they realize that nothing happens by chance and that we all belong to this universal wisdom.

Now do I necessarily believe that everything is written already in the stars and we are all just living through it like a movie? Not really. But it’d be dense of me to only see it as that. I believe that believers know a deeper truth than what I could ever comprehend. A universal language (without words or movement, just a feeling). The characters do believe in it, and with that, it is so admirable and beautiful to read.

I think now I finally understand what “maktub” means as well.

[ashes2ash]

Dear Ash,

You beautiful but stupid self sabotager. You are too hard on yourself. You are too hesitant to forgive yourself. And you tend to personify these feelings into the people who love you, especially when these thoughts are not true or real to them.

You are amazing and brilliant and sexy and confident. You are gentle but you are resillient, and strong and powerful.

Just remind yourself: If I can forgive the ones I love for this, then why can’t I forgive myself?

Or even further, if they’ve already forgiven me for this, or never saw it as a burden in the first place, then there’s no reason for me to shame myself on their behalf.

You are conditioned to believe that every imperfection results in a consequence. That is simply not the case with people who truly love you. Allow yourself to be loved, and let this feeling soak in.

I love you most

-A

[ashes2ash]

[ashes2ash]

its very hard dealing with a mental illness. its so hard to physically detect, that its easy to fall victim to it. i have to remind myself and others around me that at the end of the day, it is an illness and should be treated like such.

today, the weather is a bit gloomier so im feeling tired but still excited to go out. the dressing up part is where im currently stuck at, pretty much dreading it because im in a battle between masc and fem. i dont want to look too masc, but i also dont want to look too fem. i guess the question is, whats wrong with looking “too much” like either one?

dressing up as a queer woman has always been the most difficult thing of life :/ i wish it was easier sometimes but i know this is how it is i guess

i think im most scared of looking too masc because of the way my parents might perceive me. i get scared of looking too fem because of the way the outside world might perceive me. i dont like male attention and i dont receive as much female attention when im more fem presenting.

i hope one day, and this is rlly my dream of all, i can feel so in tune with who i am as a person and the core of my being, that i can look whichever way and still feel confident nonetheless.