ashanifah

[ashanifah]

Mi, Bi, maaf ayuk belum mampu untuk selalu jujur tentang perjuangan ayuk. Tentang peluh dan darah ayuk. Maafkan ayuk yang belum mampu untuk jujur tentang betapa bajingannya hidup yang ayuk punya ini. Maafkan ayuk yang belum berani kasih lihat betapa lemah dan rapuhnya ayuk di dalam.

Ayuk cuma bisa nangis, mohon ampun kepada Allah jika yang ayuk lakukan ini termasuk durhaka.

Ayuk cuma bisa nangis sendirian, bersandar kepada tangan sendiri dan berharap perih yang ada ini cepat Allah obati. Biar nanti ketika kita ketemu lewat layar lagi, senyum yang ayuk berikan memang asli.

Ayuk cuma lelah jadi benalu. Jadi beban pikiran di usia yang seharusnya membahagiakan. Kalian memang selalu bilang berulang kali ga pernah sekalipun keberatan, tapi ayuk ingin tahu diri dan mencoba bertahan di atas kaki sendiri.

Tolong maafin kebohongan ayuk. Maafin semua pura-pura yang begitu lancangnya ayuk lakukan.

Semua ini karena ayuk cinta kalian. --- September 2020. Semoga bersama hujan, bulan ini dan sisa-sisa bulan di tahun keparat ini tumpahkan kebahagiaan tak terhingga untuk kita.

Semoga kita lekas bersua.

[ashanifah]

I miss Istanbul and the painting-like dusk sky.

[ashanifah]

Hi again.

The last time I wrote something here, I was in a theoretically miserable state. I was crying regularly, ignoring social interaction with everyone, and trying to sleep with desperation. Funny enough, I am back here now with quiet the same condition, only the matters that have driven it that's different. I won't go to the details of what happened, that's not why I am here. I'm here in an attempt to relieve the burden inside my chest so I could breathe.

I've been experiencing the whole unexplainable bursting emotions for a month now. When this particular problem first exposed itself before me, I was acting pretty cool about it. I thought, "there's no reason to be all dramatic about it. I passed harder ones before, and this one too shall pass."

As it turned out, this 'small' problem took longer to resolve than I've expected. Eventually, it took a heavy toll on me. I began to think about how unfair everything is and how nobody has tried to dig a bit deeper into my unspoken, bottled-up feelings. I tried to think positively and see everything from the bright side but only faced failure. Anger and disappointment overwhelmed me. I cried this month more than I've cried for the whole year.

This evening, I did myself a favor and called one of my closest friends. I was crying for a solid 10 minutes and she was just, "cry away. Let it all out". She is thousands of miles away but understands better than the people who are within arm's reach with me. She knows that 'I am okay' is a cover I used to hide a bigger truth. Though that doesn't come overnight. We have been friends for five years, helping each other through the bitterness of college life together and that makes her have the experience most of the people around me in this city don’t. 

This experience has not yet ended. But it taught me one thing about helping others during their hardest times; sometimes asking ‘are you okay?’ many times isn’t enough. We should be deeply sensitive of what others are experiencing and willing to understand. Sometimes people just need a reassurance that we truly care and that our boring questions aren’t just part of your professional courtesy. 

I hope from this experience, I could learn to become a better assistance to my friends who’d face their hard times in the future.

----- Jakarta 12/25 - 00:47

[ashanifah]

I want my future-self to know that she was once this fragile. When the silence of the night could bring her mind to the questions she might never knew the answers of. When a slight--metaphorical--heaviness on her chest could make her shedding tears with no clue as to what drives it. When even a happy song like Jason Mraz’s Have It All could make her crying waterfall.

I want her to know that she’s so brave to get through all of this safely. Without any broken bones or cuts all over. This one understands that everything certainly there to make her stronger, preparing her for the bigger fight. Sometimes it’s just too much she’s overwhelmed. 

Understand her for once being such a puny human.

[ashanifah]

I often think how did I become such a glass-half-empty type of person when I was totally the opposite half a decade ago?

[ashanifah]

Every night I could stare into the darkness, listening to the night sounds, and ponder about what the universe had made me into. Observing my guesses, results of me pretending that I know myself when I’m actually not even close.

I took hundreds of personality tests in pursuit of an understanding of who I am. Results change everytime. Did nothing except confuse me even more.

[ashanifah]

Just because some of friends are married, doesn’t mean I have to be married now too. We have different life. Different struggle. My one and only concern for the time being is my family; my Dad, Mom, and my growing up brothers and sisters. How to make them happy is all I think of.

So I don’t have time to think about making some other guy who just show up one second ago. Not yet. Not now.

I will get married. You guys don’t have to worry. I’m 21 just 4 months ago.

[ashanifah]

Only Allah known the tremendous struggle I’m having this whole years in order to get you into my life. I’ll keep trying. Keep on hoping that the day will come eventually.

See you, Love

[ashanifah]

Mau cerita...

Sebenernya pengennya lupa aja sama kejadian ini. Soalnya tiap diingat rasanya sakit. Pengen marah. Pengen doain yang ngga-ngga. Sabar tu memang ngga mudah, ya :’)

So.. I was casually walking down the street. Headset lagi di telinga, dengerin soundtrack-nya ‘The Theory of Everything (2014)’. Kemudian, ketika mau lewat sebuah bangunan apartemen, saya dengar ketawa cekikikan yang bikin saya refleks ngelihat ke sumber suara. Ada dua cewek mungkin usia belasan ngelihatin sekitar dengan badan yang hampir setengahnya keluar jendela apartemen lantai dua. Mereka bukan ngetawain saya, karena ketika saya lihat mereka lagi nengok ke arah lain.

Then, satu dari mereka langsung notice. Somehow.

Saya ngelihatnya ngga lama. Bukan ‘melihat’ malah, cuma ‘ngelirik’. Mungkin ada lah sekitar 5 detik karena saya ingat saya sedikit memperhatikan posisi mereka di jendela yang kelihatan bahaya. Dan entah apa karena raut muka saya saat itu, cewek pertama yang notice saya tersebut bilang (dengan nada tinggi), “ne bakıyon?”--lihat apa kamu?!

Okay, let’s talk about this first. Sekali lagi, saya ngga ada maksud apa-apa. Cuma kebetulan melirik karena refleks setelah mendengar sesuatu. Sama kaya ketika lagi duduk dan telinga dengar suara orang jalan, kenal ngga kenal, ada maksud atau ngga, kepala bakalan tetap noleh.

I wasn’t sure for a moment. Tapi kemudian ketika sadar, sambil terus jalan saya pun mendongak ke atas. I looked at her, and again she went, “ne bakıyon?”. Saya ngga respon, I just shrugged my shoulder and continued minding my own business, eyes on the street. But then...

I don’t know how to make it dramatic but anyway.. they spat on me. Yeah.

Saya diludahin. Saya yakin dan sadar 100 persen dengar suara orang meludah sebelum itu disgusting spit drop jatuh dengan slow motion di hadapan saya. Setelah itu mereka ketawa sambil yang satu bilang, “yürü git!I”--sana pergi!.

Saya ngga tahu gimana mau menggambarkan perasaan saya saat itu. Saya bingung. I mean, what’s going on? Perasaan tadi saya disini cuma lewat mau ke market, kebetulan aja ngelihat trus langsung diteguri, ngga ngerespon padahal, ngga cari ribut, tapi.. ini apa?! someone just fu**ing spat on me?

Saya rasanya pengen banget lupa sama kejadian ini. Karena tiap ingat yang ada cuma marah. Marah sama dua anak ngga beradab tadi yang kemungkinan besar jauh lebih muda usianya dari saya. Dan marah sama diri saya sendiri yang ngga ngapa-ngapain ketika diri lagi direndahkan segitunya.

Bukan cuma soal ludah dan omongan yg ngga nyantai. Saya ingat tatapan itu, tawa itu, bahagia yang salah itu... seketika rasanya saya pengen jadi anak presiden atau siapapun yang berpengaruh supaya bisa langsung kasih pelajaran ke mereka and make them like “God, what did I do?”. Sebagian diri saya berpikir kaya gitu ketika sebagian yang lain berusaha setengah mati meyakinkan kalau “apa Rasulullah dulu marah pas diludahin? bukannya Rasulullah pernah mengalami penghinaan yang lebih?”

Tapi kan aku cuma seorang Asma’ :’(

Sampai di market saya tetap gemetaran karena perasaan yg campur aduk. Sempat kepikiran mau ngerekam mereka kaya orang-orang yang belakangan sering ngerekam tindakan rasisme. Pengen ngerekam trus dishare ke medsos biar pada langsung dapat pelajaran. Ya Allah, marah banget rasanya. Tapi tetep.. satu sisi diri saya yang lain berusaha mengalihkan amarah yang udah bikin saya susah napas itu dengan “gapapa, Allah lebih adil dalam membalas. Didoain aja. Kan do’a orang yang didzalimi itu maqbul.” Eh? .. nggg oke.

Tapi ngga. Saya belum doain apa-apa. Mungkin ngga akan. Karena saya ngga tahu balasan apa yang sepadan buat tindakan ngga jelas mereka. Disamping itu saya juga nga tahu apa yang mereka pikirin saat itu. Mereka kira saya apa? Orang Suriah? Pengungsi yang menurut sebagian orang Turki adalah hama dan sumber masalah? Gelandangan? I was dressing fine, kok.

Saya ngga bisa bilang ini tindakan rasisme karena saya ngga bisa jawab pertanyaan diatas. Saya ngga tahu apa yang ada di pikiran mereka. Saya ngga tahu apakah mereka sedang rasis--merendahkan saya karena mereka pikir saya adalah bagian dari grup tertentu--atau memang cuma nakal karena pergaulan atau salah didik?

Saya pengen banget lupa. Tapi saya tahu kejadian ini Allah tulis sebagai bagian dari perjalanan hidup saya karena akan ada pengaruhnya untuk diri dan kehidupan saya di masa yang akan datang. Seperti kejadian-kejadian lain, yang ini juga ada hikmahnya. Dan yang saat ini saya lihat adalah, saya jadi lebih semangat #bertumbuh dan berubah jadi pribadi lebih baik. Saya mau di masa depan nanti, dua anak ini yang akan lihat saya dari bawah, ingat perbuatan mereka, dan merasa bersalah.

Kelak di TEDTalk saya akan bilang, “..and I also want to thank to those two anonymous girls who spat on me on that fine day of November 11th, 2018, I wish you the best in life.”

[ashanifah]

I love how time doesn't only change me and particularly the way I think but also change the way my parents--especially--Dad in considering my thought and decission. I who used to live under their nose, following everything they'd decide or arrange for me, now have the power they consider me having in talking with them about the serious matters. I now have the voice.

[ashanifah]

You wish. Try again tomorrow.

My other-self everytime I want to start a conversation with anyone in the office.

I got self-confidence issues, y’all.

[ashanifah]

Years from now, we would find each other, tie the knot and start planning about our trip seeing the earth as a big planet that it is. 

And I’m not talking about the ordinary places people would go for a romantic vacation. We’d learn how to defense ourselves--some martial arts would be nice. We’d learn how to use guns, how to do first aid and CPR, learn some new languages, and then’d be ready for some adventures to the unknown. 

We’d meet a lot of new people, experience new things--some might be silly, embarrassing or even gut wrenching, I’d take millions of our pics, and we’d record our journey so that our little people could see it someday and be inspired to do more.

But.. if Allah will the little people to come first, that would still be great. We could go to a small adventure to grandma’s backyard, say hi to some ants and butterflies, then have some sandwiches afterwards. <3

[ashanifah]

*Blubbering*

I don’t write as much as I used to when I was younger. People who know me would definitely agree about this. 

I used to have particular books everywhere I go and write everything on it. I could fill one empty book in a single month, with all of my silly stories and dreams. Apparently because there wasn’t much to do in boarding school. There was no distraction like phones, internet, or good film recommendations. But apart from all this, writing created some kind of this energy that makes me happy. Feels like I was born with it. Although I never find Dad or Mom spend most of their time on books. It’s just here in me.

Was.

Or is it still? I don’t even know. 

Dad often reminds me that I should continue my writing hobby. He said he likes reading anything I write. “Doesn’t have to be something ‘heavy’ or something. Just a short story about how was your day going,” he said.  I feel bad I always take what he said for granted. 

But I still have those dreams, you know. That someday, there would be people in subways reading a book with my name written on the cover. And my kid would come home from school, open up his/her bag and say, “this kid in my class say your book is amazing, he/she wanted me to have you sign it,” while handing me the almost-finished book. Damn, wouldn’t it be awesome?.

Although, of course, I don’t want to wait until I have kids to release a book. If I can, I want it tomorrow. Or next month. Or within this year. But who am I kidding? I still haven’t even start any first page, still clueless about what could I write. Even blaming my boring life ungratefully for this writer’s block, and other people for my writing anxiety.

Sorry, Dad. Sorry, Asma in the future. Sorry, world, for keep breathing your air without doing something actually good for you and the human species.

I’m working on it.  I promise.

[ashanifah]

It is summer because you wake up at 11 am and still saying “good morning”, then casually have breakfast.

It’s technically ‘morning’ after all.

[ashanifah]

One day, when the time comes, I’ll see deep into your eyes and say, “You’re the reason I am what I am today.”

I don’t know you. You don’t know me.  Yet. But I do know that.. you’re one of the best reasons of me getting this far.

Thank you, Sweetheart. See you.

Mum.

[ashanifah]

Sometimes I have this fear that one day I might wake up and find that everything is just a dream until I remember a quote by Jacob Kowalski from ‘Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them’ saying, “I don’t think I’m dreaming.. I ain’t got the brains make this up.”

Yeah, I ain’t got the brains to make this--smells of Turkish restaurant along Istiklal Street, the details of the interior of Yenikapı Station, the sounds of tramvay the second before their arrival to its station, tastes of all those perfect baklava and künefes, the sounds of azaan in every corner of the city while standing on the top of Galata--up.

[ashanifah]

Dirimu juga butuh sendiri.

Kenapa banyak yang bilang kemana-mana sendirian itu menyedihkan? Padahal in some points, kesendirian itu memang dibutuhkan?

Belakangan banyak yang bilang ke saya kalau saya selalu kelihatan sendiri. Makan sendiri, pulang-pergi kampus sendiri, ke bioskop sendiri.. katanya "kok sedih sih sendirian mulu?," yang ujung-ujungnya pasti ke "jomblo sih." *facepalm*

Well, basically, some people just like being alone. Doesn't mean that they hate hanging out with some friends or going anywhere in packs. They just love being left alone with only their thoughts. Selama sendiriannya ngga SELALU dan setiap saat, you don't have anything to worry about us; introverts/ambiverts.

Sendirian mengizinkan kamu menghabiskan waktu dengan isi kepalamu sendiri. Kamu akan banyak menghabiskan waktu dengan dirimu sendiri dan berpikir tentang hal-hal yang mungkin terlewat ketika kamu sedang ngumpul bareng teman.

Hal itu bisa tentang banyak sekali hal, mulai dari topik percakapan 'berbobot' yang terjadi bbrp waktu lalu, sikap-sikapmu terhadap orang lain, perkataan yang kamu sampaikan di depan umum bbrp hari lalu, hal konyol yang ngga sadar kamu lakukan, rencana-rencana kamu, bahkan tentang goal kamu sebagai orang tua suatu hari nanti.

Di Indonesia mungkin jalan kaki dari satu tempat ke tempat lain yang jaraknya lebih dari 1 km terasa menyiksa. Tp kalau keadaan atau lokasi sedang mendukung, dicoba aja jalan-jalan dari satu titik ke titik lain. Hindari handphone, atau bahkan ngga usah sambil dengerin lagu/musik apapun. Just try to listen and connect with the world around us.

Di tengah kota pun kegiatan 'mendengarkan' ini tetap mengesankan. Meskipun yang terdengar bukan suara alam, binatang hutan atau pepohonan yang menenangkan, suara-suara tersebut tetap mampu membuat kita berpikir tentang hakikat keberadaan kita (berat tjuy).

Belakangan saya coba berangkat ngampus jalan kaki. Jaraknya sekitar 4-4,5 km dan sepanjang jalan itu adalah pertokoan karena memang jalurnya di salah satu distrik paling ramai di Istanbul. Saya sendiri tetap suka aja lepas headset/headphone dan betul-betul memaksimalkan semua indera ini untuk menikmati suasana yg ada. Hampir sama kaya Indonesia kok. Suara obrolan disana-sini, klankson mobil, teriakan penjual/ada yang berantem, trotoar yg penuh dan seringkali ga beraturan.. you name it.

Pasti banyak yang berpikir juga kalau hal diatas itu membosankan as hell. Well, that's you and what you think. You don't have to force yourself to adjust the way we--the introvert and ambivert--think and enjoy something. Bcs what we find calming and interesting might be a 'torture' for you. And vice versa, what you find thrilling and fun, might be just a waste of time for us when we have too much of it.

Every single person is different, isn't it? Everyone is unique with their own way. If you have a friend who really loves spending his/her time on her own, don't force them. As long as they still socialize in the weekend and come to your small birthday party or any discussion forum, they'll be okay. Just like you 'charge' yourself by being social, some of us do it by being alone. Just like some of us need to leave their personal space and socialize, in some points, you also need to leave your social life and gatherings and spend the time to yourself.