ascensionismm

[ascensionismm]

Normalize not forcing connections with people. If somebody doesn't see the value in having you by their side, don’t try to convince them.

[ascensionismm]

[ascensionismm]

July, 6th

Today felt like a year of emotions. I woke up feeling like I have been stung by a needle and my whole energy was sucked out. My eyes felt like mountains and I was struggling to concentrate. Dissociation!

It's been a few days now since I felt an ounce of energy in my body and most days I feel like I'm pouring out of an empty glass. It's like dust. I pour nothing. I kind of hate this feeling. I kind of miss myself. I kind of want her back and I feel like I'm in a dense forest, lost, on my way to find her. Feels like I'm desperately trying to pull the strings back to me and they always slip through my fingers.

Most days my mind is foggy and I struggle to understand the most basic sentences. It's tiring to pretend you're fine. It's tiring to pretend that your brain is not a constant wave of words and questions. Ugh.. I fucking hate it!

I find it so stupid to feel bad about feeling dead inside. I feel guilty about it, like it's not valid because there are worse things out there. I have my worst enemy with me at all times and it's a constant battle. My brain feels like when you scratch your knee and then you sand it with sandpaper. I want it to stop for just a minute but it's so loud in there. Like a constant scream of "let me out" and I have no idea who I have to let out.

I'm living with a screaming brain and a heart tied in barbwire and every move tares it a little more everyday... But I must give so many praises to my heart! It's been beaten, strangled, stabbed, fucked, spit in ... and it still has the power and strength to love purely, unconditionally and deeply.

I feel like I'm doing it injustice by giving it away so easy. On a tray.. just take it no matter what you do it just take it. And it's not fair to it..

My barely beating heart, I promise I will love you better.