asbestos4president

[asbestos4president]

the world is a better place with trans women in it

[asbestos4president]

Did I ever tell you about The Incident. In editing Ham I use a declicker plugin to minimise gross mouth noises. However, sometimes it also removes parts of dialogue. Therefore, before applying it I isolate changes so I can listen to the parts it removes and then adjust settings until it only removes what I want. So one day I isolate the changes, listen to it, decide it's good and click apply. The result is a track that's ONLY mouth noises with all dialogue removed because I forgot to click the button that makes it be the opposite of That. Whenever I relate this account people keep telling me to "release the mouth noise cut"..... YOU DON'T WANT! THAT NOBODY WANTS THAT!

[asbestos4president]

"My child is fine" your child plays the banjo

[asbestos4president]

Audiodrama Sunday 12/8/2024

Happy AD Sunday! I caught up on a lot of shows this week, after falling behind last week.

NEW SHOW ALERT @goodmorningevildoers - HR broadcasts from a cartoonishly evil organization. This is a really funny show. Starting the show with a joke about LED highlights being the product of pure evil was a very strong start.

@brimstonevalleymall - I can never get over how good this show is at writing heart-to-hearts for a silly comedy. The conversation between Zaphan and Belzagor and then Zaphan talking to Nisroch during the lunch rush in the next episode were both so good. Unrelated, the terrible kissing sfx at the end of the scene where Zaphan asked Azormias for advice was so funny, comedy purely in sfx is so hard to do well.

@worldgonewrongpod- This season is written by Gabriel Urbena! I noticed the empty man reference and checked the credits. Jamie is really losing it in this episode, this has to be the most she's lost it since the apocalypse started. Are we every going to find out what Leonard is? I would guess not.

@asbestos4president - you can tell the writer for this episode was having so much fun with the terrible space opera audiobook writing. I love how everyone in this show is completely insane.

@midstpodcast - And now they descend into the fold. I wonder if they'll find something similar all the way down. Sucking out your soul is some Mothers shit for sure. Its interesting that only Dot remembers clearly, probably because of their Mother training.

Skyjacks: Couriers Call - The “doom of returning” that June experienced felt very personal for me. I totally understand the sense of impending doom about the end of something. It ties in to how the "return to the mundane" step of the Hero's Journey always feels tragic to me. Also, how is it that literally every Luminary they draw is perfect for the story.

@kingmakerpod - This was a great episode, I see why people were talking about it. Holtzmann's plan's are finally coming to pass, and that rich guy totally wants to fuck a horse.

@innbetween - Season 3 finished. I had theorized that Castor was a warlock but now they confirmed it. This show loves its "academics on the run from their dark past" huh?

@lostterminalpod - A very dramatic ending to this episode. Sealed in a room with an old battery on the verge of exploding is very bad. One more episode in the season.

Case Study: IREC-A59 - This episode was really neat, I love a good creation myth, and this is a really cool one. The act of living is to participate in a conversation between Life and Death, and you are obliged to tell Death stories of your life when you meet them, so they can remember their love.

This was a really good week for audiodramas. Tons of great new stuff, though some of it was backlog from last week. Can't wait for Stories from Ylelmore to end its hiatus soon!

[asbestos4president]

SCP-4879 "Art in the Time of Elitism" by Cerastes, read by guest researcher @lumoakes

I think this is the first SCP that's actually kinda scared me

-Archivist Bertran

[asbestos4president]

Game: choose a podcast character (or three), and then a second, different podcast to send them into for a while.

It could be to bully them, to give them some relief, or even just to see them interact with the characters that live there.

[asbestos4president]

Ham 4!

[asbestos4president]

Hamuel Burger and the American Dream episode 4 trancript

Episode title: Indeterminance Night and the Mercurial Vision (audiobook part one)

Patty: How about this?

Indie: So you're wearing a minecraft hoodie. Puke green cargo shorts. A tamagotchi necklace permanently stuck on the death screen. And on your head is a baseball cap with the text "the only thing I love more than chess is being an aunt". 

Patty: It's funny cause I'm not an aunt! 

Indie: I love it, I really do, but I'm just worried the Australian Prime Minister will see your outfit and not be able to avoid falling in love at first sight. That's how the Trojan war started! Another Trojan War would ruin my vacation!

Patty: You don't have to worry about that. I would never let a horse inside my home. In fact, I'm very afraid of horses. They have this permanently disappointed expression that always reminds me of my mother. Have you ever noticed that?

Indie: Fair. You know we didn't have to go to a thrift store to get you clothes, right? You are currently one of the richest women in America.

Patty: Which is exactly why we had to go to that thrift store! Look at all the bargains I got. Here's a mug that says "I Heart Root Canals!" Here's Glee: The Board Game! Here's a sock I lost back in 2014! I needed to buy all of this for my emotional wellbeing.

Wait, you're not mad, right? I know you weren't exactly your husband's biggest fan, but I get it if you don't want me spending his money on- have I shown you this one? It's a toaster that prints Hello Kitty on your breakfast! Yeah. Sorry. I'll ask if they have a return policy.

Indie: Actually, I think we can salvage this. Just put one of my blazers on over your hoodie and we can call it business casual. If anyone asks what business you're trying to be casual about, run.

Patty: Not the blazer! I don't want to look like Hillary Clinton.

Indie: Oh, honey. Hillary Clinton wouldn't be caught dead in those shoes. Now get out of here! Scram! Pokemon Go to the golf course! I love you.

Patty: What?

Indie: What? That was an exceedingly normal thing for the first lady to say to her wife. In fact, it would be highly suspicious if you didn't say it back.

Patty: Oh. Um. I love you too!

Indie: Oh, you love me? Embarrassing. I'm going to hold a press conference to tell everyone, and they're all going to point and laugh. 

Patty: Ugh. 

Ah, wait. Just one thing before I go. So I had this stack of letters… I usually keep them with me, but I can't find them. I'm really worried they were in that bag we threw out. If you have time to look through our stuff to see if they're there, that would be nice. They're really important to me.

Indie: Okay, love you, bye!

Patty: Nice try. If you find those letters, maybe I'll say it back!

[door closing]

(quieter, to herself)

Oh my god. Was that smooth? That felt smooth. Haha! I am a romance wizard!

Judith the Butler: Is Mrs. The President ready for her private jet to the golf course?

Patty: Ah! Judith! You scared me. Have you been here the whole time?

Judith (over creepy sfx): I have been here since before the world began and I shall remain here long after it ends, sweeping up the ashes in preparation for the next species of sentient life to find themselves in need of a butler. I see all and I know all, but what I see is none of my concern and what I know is none of yours. Does Mrs. The President have any further questions?

Patty: Many!

Judith the Butler: Good. Allow me to escort you to your ride. 

[scene change signified by music change to Mysterious Jazz]

Indie: Indeterminance Night and the Mercurial Vision, book the first. Based on a true story. Dedicated to Dr. Medulla O'Blongata, who said my work was derivative. Look at me now, bitch! Please call me if you read this. I miss us. 

Chapter the first.

Sitting alone on her bed, Space Baroness Indeterminance Night found herself conveniently reflecting on the events that had brought her up to this point. She had been but the Baron's lowly wife before a dashing assassin burst into their bedchambers and vanquished him with a laser sword. 

"Oh my," Indeterminance said, for she was wearing only her bedtime spacesuit, which was lacy and diaphanous but in a sort of futuristic way.

That was when the assassin had removed their helmet to reveal a torrent of violet hair. The most beautiful woman Indeterminance had ever seen was standing in her bedroom, and she made a mental note to introduce her to a better brand of conditioner. 

"My lady," said the assassin, dropping to one knee and taking Indeterminance's hand in her own. Indeterminance couldn't help but notice her sultry Space Australian accent. "My lady, I have come to save you from this wretched fate, for tales of your intellect and beauty have spread throughout the galaxy, and I knew I could not rest until I had you for my own."

"Aha!" Said Indeterminance. "Wait until the groupchat hears about this! They all said I needed to lower my standards because I would never find a hot butch space knight. Fools, the lot of them, and lacking in whimsy, too!"

"I must leave you now," said the assassin, her wide brown orbs clouded by sorrow, "for I have to fight off the guards. Would you do me the great favour of disposing of the body?."

"Anything!" gasped Indeterminance. "But what is your name, beautiful stranger? Will I ever see you again?"

"My name is Petroleum Hotdog. I have hidden seven letters around the space palace. If you collect them all, you shall find within the secret code by which to summon me. Until then, farewell, my love!"

"Like Slenderman!"

"This story is set on planet Mercury. I don't know who that is."

Then Petroleum vanished in a gust of violet petals, and Indeterminance was left holding only her right glove, still warm. She shook her head, dispelling any thoughts that might distract her from her mission, and slung the baron's corpse over her shoulder. Her biceps were large and hauntingly beautiful. She scuttled through the space palace, careful not to knock over any of the baron's space vases in which he kept clippings of rare space plants like dandelions and spinach. Under the sounds of fighting outside, she was able to make her way to the doors of the kitchen. They were wooden, a reminder of the planet humans had fled from long ago, and though Indeterminance had never seen a tree in person, the sight of them filled her with nostalgia. She pushed the doors gently, and-

Judith: Mrs. First Lady. What are you doing in the hotel kitchen, if I may ask?

Indie: Uhm.

(back into reading mode)

The space butler! There was no way she could tell them her secret plan to put the Baron's corpse in a blender and feed him to her pet asteroid, Cousin Rockmorton. They would never understand!

Judith: A blender, you say.

Indie: No! I just got lost looking for the hotel pool. Can you point me to it? And let the staff know that the first lady is in there and wishes to remain undisturbed.

Judith: Of course, ma'am.

Indie: Phew!

(back to reading mode)

Her plan having worked effortlessly, Indeterminance set forth for the space palace gardens, which were mostly full of rocks. Space fact: space has a lot of rocks in it. At the centre of the garden was a crater filled with clear blue water, a man made pool heated and dyed to mimic a geothermal spring. She dipped a finger in and tasted it. Chlorine and food colouring. This pool was the crown jewel of the garden, for though it was neither large nor deep, being able to afford decorative water on Mercury was a powerful status symbol. She positioned the baron's body at its side, ready to push him in. Surely he had just been staring at his reflection in the water when he lost his balance and fell.

Judith: I've brought refreshments for you and your companion, ma'am. I do hope I'm not intruding.

Indie: Gah! 

[splash]

My… Companion?

Judith: Yes, your gentleman friend. I can't quite make out his face under the… Is his skin rotting?

Indie: None of my friends are gentlemen, Judith! You know very well that I only associate with harlots and scoundrels. This is just my inflatable liferaft, and it has a skin condition that it's extremely sensitive about.

Judith: My apologies. I shall sit here and perform lifeguard duty as per section 46 of the Good Butler's Guide to Butlering Goodly, Swimsuit Edition. Look, it even has a centrefold containing a diagram of the proper technique by which to build a construction code appropriate sandcastle. In full colour! How very salacious.

Indie: You know, Judith, I suddenly feel rather too cold to swim. I may retire indoors. Is there a fireplace in this hotel at all? Do you think it may need topping up? I have acquired a rare and beautiful piece of kindling that looks like a dead man and smells like a dead man, but has been certified by several coroners to be a log. No need to look too closely.

Judith: There is a fireplace in the dining room, ma'am, however-

Indie: Say no more! I'm off!

(back to reading mode)

So there she was, Space Baroness Indeterminance Night, stalking through the palace like the mighty tigers of yore. Rather than an antelope, her prey was that most elusive beast: the fireplace! 

Writing fact: there are no tigers in space, but I couldn't think of another simile. 

Space fact: Well, actually, space is famously very large, so there could totally be space tigers out there somewhere, chilling. You're just not cool enough to be invited to their parties. 

Indie fact: Now I'm thinking about all the space tiger parties I haven't been invited to, and it's making me sad.

(out of reading mode)

Oh, there's the fireplace! 

(into reading mode)

She approached it trepidatiously, for it could attack at any moment, but all it did was hum quietly and loop the same gif of the platonic ideal of a fire. Gently, as she was a little sorry despite herself, Indeterminance placed the body down and turned her face away. However, instead of the scent of burning flesh reaching her nose, there was only 

(out of reading mode)

- is that seaweed?

Judith: 'tis merely my cologne, ma'am. It's supposed to be elegant and sensual, yet dangerous and masculine.

Indie: You smell like a dead jellyfish.

Judith: Elegant and sensual, yet dangerous and masculine. I came to inform you that this fireplace is electric, so you may have to find some other method by which to dispose of your government certified log. 

Indie: God. Alright. Well, I suddenly feel the need to perform a governmental inspection of the hotel garbage shoot in accordance with current health and safety standards. You know, making sure it's in good enough working order to transport large, cadaverous, formerly presidential items, just as a random example.

Judith (over creepy sfx): You needn't worry. I already tested the strength of the rubbish shoot this morning by tossing down the head chef of this hotel after he tried to serve you eggs that were one degree too cold. He's still in one piece, but so are airpods after you accidentally run them through the washing machine. 

Indie: I see. Are we paying you for these inspections, Judith?

Judith: Oh, no, I do it for the love of our glorious nation.

Indie: Alright, I'll hide this corpse the old fashioned way- with a shovel and a dream. You must have a shovel and a dream in you somewhere, Judith. Please?

Judith: I own no shovel, and I haven't had a dream in years. What's this about a corpse?

Indie: It was here that Indeterminance was confronted with a choice that would change her life forever. Could she trust the butler with the knowledge of her crime? Between her saintly dead mother, her neglectful father and her two horrible step sisters, Rutabaga and Trout, the only one left to raise her had been the butler. They had brushed her hair, tied her laces, soothed her when she cried… If she could not trust this one person, she could trust nobody at all. And yet, still she hesitated.

Judith: You hired me two weeks ago, ma'am. You're paying me ten dollars an hour.

Indie: Fine. Whatever. Just go ahead and ruin my narrative suspense, why don't you. Here's the deal: the president is dead. I replaced him with a purple-haired bisexual woman who wears sandals with socks and is overly passionate about moving horses around in some ancient boardgame. I feel pretty good about this decision. Now, are you going to help me hide his body, or am I going to have to hide yours as well?

Judith: Oh, the president? I've been trying to kill that fucker for years. Pass him over.

[thump]

Thank you. I shall wrap him up and dispose of him discreetly. Like a tampon!

Indie: It's that easy?

Judith: You're rich, you can kill whoever you want. Would you like a lemonade? 

Indie: But Indeterminance had no time to partake in the sweet juice of the lemon, for one more mystery remained to be solved: where were the seven secret love letters of Petroleum Hotdog? She checked the kitchens, the bathrooms, the dining hall, the study, the jewel-counting room, the observatory, the… Aha!

[phone dialling sounds / ringing]

Patty: Hi, you've reached the voicemail of Patricia Bur-

Asbestos: Whatcha doin'?

Patty: Recording my voicemail. It's kinda like when the library's closed so you have to stick your books in the return slot outside, but the slot is a recording of me saying "please leave a message after the beep". Say hi to whoever's listening to this!

Asbestos: No. I don't trust them. What are your intentions with my earth hostage, stranger? State them immediately or I shall blow up your mobile communication device with my mind! Also, please call back and explain to me what a library is. I've been pretending to know so that Patty thinks I'm smart, but based on the metaphor she just laid out, my prior hypothesis that it was some kind of dairy product or perhaps a fancy dog breed has become somewhat challenged. Love and kisses, Asbestos Sputnik Le Guin. 

Patty: What? You didn't tell me you had a cool middle name! Mine is Tomato. Anyway. Please leave a message after the beep. Bessy, do you want to…?

Asbestos: Beeeeeeeeeeeee-

(prolonged coughing fit)

-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! And don't call this number again, you hear me? Bad things will happen if you do! Real bad th-

[recording ends]

Indie: Hello my normal wife. I'm choosing to ignore whatever that was in favour of informing you that I have found your missing correspondence, and that it was in your other jacket. You know, the one that's exactly the same as your regular jacket except in a slightly greyer shade of green. Don't worry, I haven't read your letters! I am a woman of great honour and standing. Sometimes great sitting. I'm multifaceted that way.

[end voicemail]

[Indie hangs up, then picks up the phone again]

[phone ringing]

Operator: You have two new messages.

[beep]

Indie: Hello again, my single-apparition comet. Because I value transparency in our relationship (which we founded entirely on lies) I'm just calling to let you know that I opened one of the letters. I only did it in the interest of national security, and freedom, and because I really wanted to know what was inside. I haven't read it! But I will. I definitely will. Yours truly, love and light, her first ladyfulness Independence Liberty Day.

[beep]

Indie: Hi Patty! I didn't know you had a little brother. He appears to be in severe mental distress. How cute! Listen, there was a letter in there that you must have forgotten to send. So, because I felt a little guilty about reading it, I posted it for you! No need to pay me back for the stamp. XOXO, Indie.

P.S: Okay, if anyone is tapping this phone call, stop it now. I need to talk to my wife ALONE.

Okay, so you want to hear the real gossip? I heard that Independence Day is voiced by Jenny Wang, Patty is voiced by Monkozia, and Judith the Butler is voiced by N.V. May. Asbestos Le Guin is apparently voiced by Bulk, which is wild. I also heard that Spikes edited this episode! Really scandalous stuff. It could ruin their whole careers if it got out that they were such sick freaks! That's why I'm only telling you, and nobody else. K, love you, bye! 

[asbestos4president]

HAM EP 4 OUT OF CONTEXT SPOILERS

Listen to hit podcast Hamuel Burger and the American Dream on a website of your choosing! Isn't free will scary.

[asbestos4president]

great podcast for doing testosterone shots and baking bread 👍 looking forward to the next episode

Thank you for this authentic fandom interaction, kind fan whom I do not know!

[asbestos4president]

No ep today as we are still getting lines back (end of year is busy for everyone) but expect it early December at the latest!

Upcoming projects include doing a re-edit of ep 2 to fix the audio issues there (I figured out why it sounds terrible which is a long story but also kind of a short one.*)… buying a better mic**… holding a casting call and finishing the last few episodes.

*Basically I fucked up the amplitude which is an easy fix since I still have an earlier version of the file. It's also an opportunity to replace the butler (previously me doing a shitty British accent) with an actual British person (the talented N.V. May)

**To those ears I have harmed by recording on a toaster I am so sorry. You will soon be able to hear my gay and stupid accent in HD quality (possibly a worse experience)

[asbestos4president]

Roy Kaplan is here!

Yes, you heard me right, Roy Kaplan: Out of Sight is finally ready for launch, complete with a proper (and actually correct) release date: December 28, 2024. I did say that I was going to get this ready for launch by the end of the year!

If you don't know what Roy Kaplan (or Roy Kaplan, Private Investigator if you prefer) is, it's a paranormal cyberpunk detective audio drama taking place in a (very low-key) post-apocalyptic future. It features the titular Roy Kaplan--private investigator, ex-burglar, and psychic--as he puts his wits to the test to solve all kinds of cases with the occasional assist from his ghost roommate, Wes. Stylistically, it draws significant inspiration from old time radio shows such as Richard Diamond and hardboiled detective fiction of the 1930s-50s.

This first season, Out of Sight, consists of twelve all-original mysteries, each 30-40 minutes long. It will be releasing on Saturdays every two weeks, with Patreon supporters able to hear episodes a week early.

Roy Kaplan is hosted on Pinecast, which means you should be able to listen to it on any podcast aggregator that supports RSS feeds. It'll also be available on common podcast apps like Spotify and Amazon Podcasts (right now Apple Music is having some hiccups, so we'll see what happens with that). It's also available on YouTube, if you like getting your podcasts through there.

Alternately, you can listen directly in your browser at my website, where you will also find the full voice credits and transcripts and writer's commentary blog posts if you're into that sort of thing. You can subscribe to my newsletter if you'd like to get notified of Out of Sight updates directly in your email.

I will have more to say about the show (about things like how to support production and whether season 2 will happen) but for now, season 1 is cooking and it's nearly ready to serve!

If you want more information about Roy Kaplan, the best place for information is the main page on my website, which will have all the links to everything else.

(For the trailer credits and transcript, that is also on my website.)

Happy listening, and I'll see you on the other side!

[asbestos4president]

THE BOSOM SAGA: A MODERN ART PIECE COMMUNICATED THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF SCREENSHOTS

[asbestos4president]

I'm so sorry to all the Americans affected by the outcome of the US election tonight. I'm sorry if you're terrified or devastated or furious. I can't begin to understand how you must feel, but know that the world mourns with you. We know it's not your fault, it's his.

[asbestos4president]

I know I joke about the USA every day of my life but I hope you are all doing okay out there tonight! Try to get some sleep xx

We picked a really great year to make this podcast. Just incredible life decisions all round that totally aren't going to get us put on some list

[asbestos4president]

We picked a really great year to make this podcast. Just incredible life decisions all round that totally aren't going to get us put on some list

[asbestos4president]

Hamuel Burger is a valid troll name