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Ham e5 transcript

Title: The Communists Have the Music

Bribera

Get ready for Bribera Berry's charity game night! Introducing tonight's guests: banned in 66 countries for her carcinogenic properties, it's Asbestos Le Guin!

Asbestos

Please, you're making me blush.

Bribera

Known to his fifteen YouTube subscribers as Banjo Master 05, it's professional spoilsport Hamuel Burger!

Ham

I do not spoil sports! I just have a doctor's note that says I'm allowed to sit out because of my asthma.

Bribera

And this next guest is a harmonica player who recently had his application to the communist party rejected, so… close enough! Welcome back Woody Guthrie! It's Stanley Knife!

Ham

Objection! Stanley would never be rejected. He just turned down their offer of membership due to artistic differences.

Bribera

And what differences might those be?

Ham

He says it's because they wouldn't know real communism if it bit them on the arse, ma'am. If you excuse his choice of language.

Bribera

Well, you heard the kid. Finally, I'm your host, presidential candidate Bribera Berry! Tonight's charity game night will have three sections. First, a round of trivia questions about our beautiful country. Second, a presidential obstacle course. Finally, a sudden death match to determine the winner!

Asbestos

Ew. Okay, team, let's get this over with so the real game night can begin.

[Appropriately goofy gun sound effect]

Stand still, goddammit!

[Gun sound effect again]

Stop dodging!

[Gun sound effect]

Why won't you die?!

Bribera

Sacre bleu! Ooh la la! Son of a bitch! It appears my rival presidential candidate has come here not to participate in a fun and friendly trivia contest, but to end my sweet little life! How do we feel about that, voters?

[dogs barking]

Is this the kind of person we want leading our country?

[more dogs barking]

Who's going to vote for her now?

[small dog whine]

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

[smaller dog whine]

Are you listening to that, Asbestos? Nobody!

Asbestos

But I did everything right! I kept my arm steady, remembered to breathe, aimed for the head and followed through with style! What more could you possibly want from a presidential candidate?

Bribera

What the people want is a strong leader, a charismatic speaker and a trivia champion, not somebody who is so afraid of failure that she'd rather just not try in the first place. What do you say to that, Mx. Le Guin?

Asbestos (pissed)

I say let's play trivia.

Bribera

Excellent. You will notice the podiums in front of you are all equipped with highly technical top-secret military-grade buzzer technology. Asbestos, why don't you give yours a press?

[creepy laugh]

Beautiful! Hamuel, try yours.

[coughing]

And Stanley?

[distorted voice saying "I'm being eaten by mosquitoes"]

Magnifique! Now if you're ready, I'll ask the first question, and if you think you know the answer, just press your buzzer. What is the capital of the United States?

[Asbestos' buzzer]

Asbestos (confidently)

Grace, Idaho!

Bribera

Not quite. Anyone else?

[Ham's buzzer]

Ham

Uh, is it Grace, Idaho?

Bribera

Again, no.

Ham

Darn! I panicked.

[Stanley's buzzer]

[harmonica]

Bribera

That's correct, Stanley, the capital of the United States of America is Brisbane, Australia. Five points to you. Next question! What animal is on our national flag?

[Asbestos' buzzer]

Asbestos

Bald eagle! Wait, can I change my answer? Hotdog! No, dogs aren't animals, are they? Can I get a hint?

[Ham's buzzer]

Ham

It's a trick question! There is no animal on the American flag!

Bribera

Hamuel, sweet Hamuel! Why should I ever seek to mislead you? I'll give you a hint. Our flag is known as the what spangled banner?

[Stanley's buzzer]

[harmonica]

That is correct. The tapeworm spangled banner! You are on a roll tonight, Mr. Knife. Now, the final question before we move on to the obstacle course. Which former American president was famous for his honesty and his alarmingly tall hat?

[Asbestos' buzzer]

Asbestos

Hamuel Burger! Wait.

[Ham's buzzer]

Ham

I refuse to answer this question on principle as I hold a longstanding grudge against that man.

Bribera

How could anyone have a grudge against Bill Nye? Whoopsies, gave you the answer. Moving on. It's interesting that you didn't get a single answer correct, Hamuel. If not for your perfect Idaho accent, I might suspect that you were merely playing the part of an American, though to what end I cannot fathom. Anyway, moving on!

Time for the presidential obstacle course! This obstacle course will determine whether you are truly fit to become the president of the United States by putting you through a series of challenges that mirror the real life struggles of the campaign trail. First: a scavenger hunt! You must find and be photographed next to one baby, one kitten and one girl scout troop before proceeding to the next round. Then, you must give an impassioned speech accompanied by a well-formatted powerpoint detailing why voters should choose you as America's next top president. Finally, you must offer me a bribe of appropriate size and quality to convince me to let you win the contest. Understood?

Ham

Uh-

Bribera

Good. On your marks, get set, go!

In the lead we have Stanley Knife, who is building his own baby, kitten and girl scout troop out of paper mache. But, uh oh! He's taking so long to decide on the appropriate scene composition to best convey his artwork's themes that Asbestos Le Guin is pulling ahead. She's kidnapped one baby! She's kidnapped two babies! She's made off with the entire population of the Caribou County pet rescue, as well as several girl scouts who just so happened to be serving their community service sentences there after the violent street fights that broke out between their rival factions during cookie sale season last year. Meanwhile, Hamuel is asking the audience if anyone has a phone he can borrow to call his mother on. He lacks the competitive spirit and the gamer's soul, and will never amount to anything more than a purposeless potato picking peasant if he proceeds to paddle down this perilous path.

Completing the first challenge, Asbestos and Stanley have advanced to the next round! We now take you live to their inspirational speeches.

Asbestos

Hey mamas! You know me. You love me. Uh. I don't really have any, like, policies, because politics is for nerds and I've always been something of a jock and an influencer, but if you vote for me, I promise a pool party, free pizza Fridays and freedom from homework for life! Whaddaya say, Asbestos nation?

Bribera

And she's immediately disqualified for beginning her speech with "hey mamas"! Let's hear from Stanley.

[extremely long harmonica solo]

[silence]

Ham

Stanley says-

[harmonica starts up again and goes for a bit before stopping]

Ham

Stanley says to vote for him.

Bribera

That was truly magical! And you, young pork knuckle? What do you bring to the table?

Ham

Um. I don't really have a speech prepared, but I could sing one of my banjo parody songs? There wasn't any time to pack my banjo on the way here because we were sort of brutally kidnapped by an alien invader-

Asbestos

You were invited on an all-expenses paid vacation by an universe-renowned celebrity, actually. Kids these days are so ungrateful.

Ham

- but, like, I could just sort of make some banjo-ish mouth noises and you can all pretend I'm the banjo. If that's okay.

Bribera

Go ahead. I'm listening.

Ham (nervous, off-key)

[awful acapella banjo improv]

This is Banjomaster05 coming to you live from Idaho or wherever we are, I kinda lost track- uh, this song is very close to my heart, I hope you like it, it's called "You Don't Know You're Banjoful".

[you're not an ordinary fella!]

Its strings are four, (YEAH) or sometimes more (UH-HUH)

You might think learning banjo is a chore (NO!)

But actually (WOW) it sets you free (YEAH)

Its gentle song like a wind through a tree (help)

Everyone else in the world loves banjos

Everyone else except my mum

She says "stop playing the banjo at 3AM"

And I'm like "mum but this banjo is who I am" (wooooooow)

She says I'm looking at you and I can't believe that a child of mine is behaving this way. Is it my fault? Did I go wrong in raising you? Can you just put the banjo away and let me have ten seconds of peace for once in my life? Please. I'm begging you.

[awkward pause]

As I was saying.

You don't know! You don't know you're banjoful!

Bribera

Thank you, Hamuel. That's more than enough from you.

Ham

But I didn't even get up to the chorus yet!

Asbestos

Yeah! Let the boy sing!

Bribera

Do you remember when those researchers 3D printed a mummy's vocal cords so they could listen to him talk, and the end result was a scream of anguish from a man roused from his eternal slumber just to be played like a recorder in the hands of a two year old child?

Asbestos

I don't really listen to that indie crap, so no.

Bribera

Well, compared to Hamuel's recent performance, I think it should be retrospectively named the song of the summer. Alright, it's time for Bribera Berry's Bribery Brigade! What do you have for me?

Asbestos

Let's see… Actually, this is a great time for a "what's in my bag" tour! So as you can see, my bag is very designer, very one of a kind, very underground and niche, because it's actually not a bag at all but instead a dead cat I found on the side of the road. Tres Gothique. Inside we have this screwdriver, which is either for hammering or scooping, I forget which. We also have these very legally acquired lemons I have left over from our extremely above-board and governmentally approved lemonade stand. I stole them from the self checkout at the grocery store! This is a dead fly. I'm saving it for when I get hungry. This is a heart shaped locket inscribed with the words "together forever" and containing a photograph of me and my former earth hostage surrounded by hearts. Unfortunate. There are also a few bottles with the labels peeled off. Don't, uh, don't examine them too closely.

Ham

Hey! Are those-

Bribera

Silence, piglet. What are you planning on bribing me with?

Asbestos

Are you kidding? This stuff is great. I'm keeping all of it.

Bribera

What about Stanley? How much is he bribing me to win?

Ham

Stanley wants to tell you he has moral principles and cannot be bought!

Bribera

I'm not trying to buy him. He's supposed to be trying to buy me.

Ham

Stanley says your offer of 50,000 american euros is still too low!

Bribera

I didn't-

Ham

Stanley says 100,000 and that's final!

Bribera

70,000.

Ham

80,000!

Bribera

75,000.

Ham

Twenty-two dollars and fifty cents!

Bribera

Deal.

Ham

Fine!

Bribera

Good.

Ham

Great!

Bribera

Smashing. Now it's time for the final challenge, which is a sudden death round! As the President of the United States, you will face a variety of stressful situations. You will have to fight bears. You will have to wrestle alligators. You will have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. There will be death, tragedy and betrayal! There will be terror and intrigue! There will be assassination attempts, most certainly, perhaps numbering into the hundreds. And you must be ready for all of these things. Which is why I am going to throw you in my maximum security jail cell, recently featured in Homes and Gardens UK for its tasteful furnishings and charming sage green colour scheme. Your execution is in one hour. Toodlepip!

[being thrown in jail type sound effects 👍]

Asbestos

So for those of you just joining the stream, that's how we ended up trapped in here. Sorry for the low quality footage, they took my nice camera. I'm using the one I got surgically implanted into my forehead as a teenager. Anyways, poll time! What should I choose for my last meal?

Ham

I've had enough. I want to go home now. I knew I shouldn't have trusted an alien!

Asbestos

That's rude. We've had fun together, haven't we? We travelled America. We went to a cafe. We started a small business. We participated in a trivia night. We were hit on the head by a mysterious suitcase. I thought we were bonding!

Ham

I was kidnapped, cut off from my family, almost killed in a spaceship explosion, dragged into an attempted bank robbery, sentenced to execution along with my best friend Stanley, and forced to sell lemonade of subpar quality! What did I do to deserve this, Asbestos? What is it about me that made you think, I know! I'll just ruin this guy's life? Did you not stop to think for a second that your actions would have consequences on the people around you?

Asbestos

I just thought...

Ham

Go on. What were you thinking?

Asbestos

I like you, Hamuel. I just wanted to be your friend.

Ham

That's not how you make friends.

Asbestos

Do I seem like the kind of person who knows that?! Okay, okay, stop giving me that face. I admit that there may have been some areas within our professional relationship where I could have exercised a little more… tact, perhaps, and I'm sorry that you feel as though I allegedly caused any harm to you or your brand. Ugh. Let me try again. I have been made aware of the allegations against me and am committed to implementing an internal review by which I shall seek to investigate the various cultural forces that contributed to the supposed questionable behaviour displayed by any persons, human or alien, associated with the Asbestos Le Guin trademark. No? Bad? Um. Would it help if I told you we weren't going to die in here?

Ham

It would be a start!

Asbestos

You remember when we had a few bottles of kombucha left over from The Incident of Which I Shall Not Speak, and I was really excited to try them because I wanted to get wasted and participate in the traditional American pastime of drunk driving?

Ham

I'm not sure you would have had much luck with that, but go on.

Asbestos

Well, I snuck a couple bottles into my bag, which, if I'm correct in my judgement of character, Presidential Candidate Braberry Brindlebus is currently rifling through. When she finds the bottles, she's going to think, 'to celebrate my upcoming electoral victory? Don't mind if I do!' and-

[explosion]

Look at that! No prison on earth can withstand the explosive power of kombucha! Now then, Ham Sandwich, let's get you home.

Ham

Holy guacamole! Gadsbodikins! We're alive, Stanley! We live to peel another spud! Oh, they took his harmonica. That's okay, king, we'll find you an even better one.

Wait, you're really taking us home?

Asbestos

That's right!

Ham

With no japery or hijinks?

Asbestos

I would never!

Ham

No trickery, no conniving, no stopping at roadside attractions?

Asbestos

Absolutely not! Not even the second tallest filing cabinet in America (located in Burlington, Vermont and measuring over 40 feet) could distract me from my goal!

Ham

Oh.

Uh… Good, then.

Good. Great. Yeah. Mm!

Asbestos

Excellent! Let us (as the Americans say) skedaddle.

CREDITS

Bribera

Help me! Somebody help me!

Detective

Ma'am? I can hear you, but I can't see you.

Bribera

I'm here, under the rubble!

Detective

Oh, so you are. Do you mind if I ask you some questions?

Bribera

Did you call an ambulance?

Detective

I will, I will, just as soon as you help me out with this. I've been looking for a kid, late teens, sort of rumpled looking, noticeable Idaho accent, voiced by Spikes Parker-Bennett. Here's a photo. Have you seen him?

Bribera

I don't know! There's dust in my eyes! I think I'm dying!

Detective

You can die in a minute, ma'am. He's known to be associated with a big scary alien, goes by Asbestos, gorgeous antennae, voiced by Bulk. He may also be closely tailed by an incredibly handsome private detective voiced by [name]. That's me, by the way. Nice to meet you.

Bribera

I see the light! I see the light!

Detective

We're also looking for presidential candidate Bribera Berry, 5'4, brown eyes, voiced by [name], with whom you share a striking resemblance. Could you be…?

Bribera

Oh? Are you a fan?

Detective

Well, yes. Can you sign this document which forfeits all your legal rights? You're under arrest for voter fraud.

#transcripts #hamuel burger and the american dream #hamuel burger #hampod #audio drama #audio fiction #phew

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