asbestos4president

[asbestos4president]

Roy Kaplan is here!

Yes, you heard me right, Roy Kaplan: Out of Sight is finally ready for launch, complete with a proper (and actually correct) release date: December 28, 2024. I did say that I was going to get this ready for launch by the end of the year!

If you don't know what Roy Kaplan (or Roy Kaplan, Private Investigator if you prefer) is, it's a paranormal cyberpunk detective audio drama taking place in a (very low-key) post-apocalyptic future. It features the titular Roy Kaplan--private investigator, ex-burglar, and psychic--as he puts his wits to the test to solve all kinds of cases with the occasional assist from his ghost roommate, Wes. Stylistically, it draws significant inspiration from old time radio shows such as Richard Diamond and hardboiled detective fiction of the 1930s-50s.

This first season, Out of Sight, consists of twelve all-original mysteries, each 30-40 minutes long. It will be releasing on Saturdays every two weeks, with Patreon supporters able to hear episodes a week early.

Roy Kaplan is hosted on Pinecast, which means you should be able to listen to it on any podcast aggregator that supports RSS feeds. It'll also be available on common podcast apps like Spotify and Amazon Podcasts (right now Apple Music is having some hiccups, so we'll see what happens with that). It's also available on YouTube, if you like getting your podcasts through there.

Alternately, you can listen directly in your browser at my website, where you will also find the full voice credits and transcripts and writer's commentary blog posts if you're into that sort of thing. You can subscribe to my newsletter if you'd like to get notified of Out of Sight updates directly in your email.

I will have more to say about the show (about things like how to support production and whether season 2 will happen) but for now, season 1 is cooking and it's nearly ready to serve!

If you want more information about Roy Kaplan, the best place for information is the main page on my website, which will have all the links to everything else.

(For the trailer credits and transcript, that is also on my website.)

Happy listening, and I'll see you on the other side!

[asbestos4president]

THE BOSOM SAGA: A MODERN ART PIECE COMMUNICATED THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF SCREENSHOTS

[asbestos4president]

I'm so sorry to all the Americans affected by the outcome of the US election tonight. I'm sorry if you're terrified or devastated or furious. I can't begin to understand how you must feel, but know that the world mourns with you. We know it's not your fault, it's his.

[asbestos4president]

I know I joke about the USA every day of my life but I hope you are all doing okay out there tonight! Try to get some sleep xx

We picked a really great year to make this podcast. Just incredible life decisions all round that totally aren't going to get us put on some list

[asbestos4president]

We picked a really great year to make this podcast. Just incredible life decisions all round that totally aren't going to get us put on some list

[asbestos4president]

Hamuel Burger is a valid troll name

[asbestos4president]

What if we killed the president together and we were both girls 😳

[asbestos4president]

Audiodrama Sunday 10/27/2024

Happy ace week! As an ace audiodrama fan, I love how asexual friendly this community is. Special shoutout to @itmeblog, I'm so not normal about Nova InCoPod.

@lostterminalpod - This show will not stop introducing new AI characters and I'm absolutely here for it. I'm such a sucker for protagonists who are fundamentally inhuman but want so badly to be people.

@asbestos4president - NEW HAM! I love this show's sense of humor so much. TTS Twitch chat being a constant part of the story is so good.

@victoriocity - I'm finally listening to the rest of season 3. The telegraph scene was incredible. I'm definitely going to check out High Vaultage once I finish the last few episodes of the season.

Starwhal Odyssey - A whole episode focused on the Usegoni! I love it! “At first, it feels pointless to try and choke out a shrimp” was great, and the psychic pressure cooker is incredible.

@worldsbeyondpod - The party is reunited! They're just ending every single episode with a cliffhanger this arc huh?

@storiesfromylelmore - The parts of this episode where Voran is bullying Rion really made me want to punch Voran. Like true anger at a fictional character. Rion getting bullied hits so much harder with the insight we have into his character now. Besides that, I love how you can infer exactly what one of Keryth's moms said to the coven heads offscreen.

@worldgonewrongpod - This episode really nailed everything I’m feeling about the election. Seeing so many people on Tumblr who are refusing to vote for Kamala is endlessly frustrating to me. I’m always curious how episodes like this will age. Need to remind myself to relisten to this after the election.

@midstpodcast - Unend has been so chill so far, and I don't trust it. I know Third Person. I'm just waiting for something horrible to happen.

Mission Rejected - Great episode, so many good moments. I really have no clue how Athena and the Admiral selling real estate in New Atlantis is going to tie in to the main season plot with O.G., his scheme seems totally harmless, which I guess is why Athena is going along with it.

@keepitsteadypod - New episode! This show is so good, then oh shit the ending. I need to give this show a full relisten from the beginning at some point. Maybe in prep for the finale.

I didn't even listen to everything new this week. Need to find time for the Kingmaker Bodyswap ASAP.

[asbestos4president]

We now have a Podchaser :) Please leave a review if so inclined! (⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ five stars like we're playing Dress to Impress and the theme is potato)

[asbestos4president]

Hamuel Burger Episode 3 is Up so I'm Making a Post About That

Psst. Hey you! Yes, you. Who else would I be talking to? You seem like an individual of discerning taste and questionable morals. I couldn't help but notice your ears look kind of hungry. Wouldn't you like to fill them with an ice cold, legally acquired podcast?

Here. Take a peek.

What's with the suspicious look? You don't want my podcast? It's not ice cold at all, you say, but instead suspiciously warm? Listen, buddy. I've had this computer for a long time. Its hinges are achey and its keyboard is dusty and it can't run Audacity without threatening to explode. But while the podcast may be a little warm, it's still a good honest podcast, y'hear? I put hours of hard work into that podcast. I missed the birth of my seventh daughter just to finish editing in all the bassoon sound effects. Won't you give it a listen for me?

Hey. No. What are you implying? That the fact I specified that it was legally acquired was in itself suspicious? That you don't trust anything loaded onto an unmarked CD, then stuffed into a loose plastic bag with "potcats" written on the front in permanent marker? That I'm clearly wearing a striped shirt and a balaclava, the uniform of ne'er do wells and privacy-conscious mimes? Would it help if I told you the stripes were vertical, not horizontal? Fine. Whatever. I didn't make this podcast at all. I found it in a bush somewhere and I thought I could sell it to you for a quick buck. Here, you can have it for free if you don't tell the cops.

Ha! It's yours now! No takesie-backsies! You're stuck with this podcast for life. Good luck paying for its college tuition!

[asbestos4president]

Hamuel Burger and the American Dream episode 3 Transcript

Episode title: Asbestos Saves Lives!

Asbestos (low energy, bored): … I am coming to you live from the floor, which I refuse to move from until somebody gives me attention. It has been ten days since we started the stream. The ship has moved approximately one American metre. The AC is broken. Abraham refuses to play "I Spy" with me anymore after losing the past seven games. Stanley is on strike until I learn to appreciate him not as a source of cheap labour but as the leading mixed media artist of his generation, which, of course, he communicated via a tear-jerking harmonica rendition of Dolly Parton's "Nine to Five". 

Chat: Are we there yet?

Asbestos: I spy with my little eye, something with a W.

Ham: If it's Worthless Earthling again, I'm turning this spaceship around. 

Asbestos: Fine. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with U. 

Ham: Useless human peasant?

Asbestos (genuinely impressed): Damn, you're good at this. Okay, your turn.

Ham: Could you please stop distracting me while I'm driving?

Asbestos : But I'm bored! This is boring! What's wrong with you, Abraham Nothingburger? You're sitting in a spaceship with an alien worrying about the traffic code. Does the excitement of having every galaxy in the universe at your literal fingertips pale in comparison to the myriad wonders of Bumfuck Nowhere, Idaho? What am I doing wrong?

Chat: I need to pee.

Asbestos: You should have gone before we left!

Chat: If I needed to go before we left, I would have gone before we left. Idiot.

Ham: That's it. If you don't know how to be nice to each other, I'm taking us all back to Idaho.

Asbestos: Wait wait wait wait no no no no! We can be quiet! We can be so quiet! 

Ham: Should have discovered that skill earlier! 

(Doing a bad Asbestos impression) 

Abraham, I'm bored. Make the ship do a barrel roll. Can't you go faster? No, go slower, I saw a cow out the window and I wanna get a picture! Never mind, it was just bigfoot. Haha, made you look! It's too hot in here. It's too cold in here! I ran out of snacks, can you get me some more? 

You're just lucky I'm not dropping you off on the side of the road and making you walk back to your home planet, you no-good-individual! 

[noise an engine shouldn't make]

Was that the engine? I think that was the engine. 

Asbestos: Everybody, stay calm. I have the situation under control. I'm sure you've all noticed this about me, but just for the viewers at home, I'm super masc and handsome and muscular and I totally look like someone who could fix an engine. I'll just use this… What is this?

Chat: That's a spoon.

Asbestos: Right. A screwdriver. I'll just use this screwdriver to, uh… What exactly is it for?

Chat: You use it to fry eggs.

Asbestos: Driving screws! Remarkable. So which end is for whisking and which end is for stapling?

Ham: The engine made a scary noise and we're all gonna die and I never got to say goodbye to my mum!

Asbestos: Don't be so dramatic. It's just a minor technical-

[another even more concerning spaceship noise]

The engine made a scary noise and we're all gonna die and I never got to say goodbye to my mom! Hold me, Abraham! Though we lived as bitter rivals, let us part as bosom friends!

Ham: I don't really want to be friends with anyone's bosom, if you don't mind! 

[harmonica]

What?

Asbestos: I'd like to spend my last moments of life thanking the sponsor of this channel, Gourd VPN. If you're like me, you're always having to parry pernicious pumpkin pirates, stab sinful squash stealers and murder malicious melon marauders. But what if I told you it didn't have to be this way? With Gourd VPN, you can protect your gourds from home without the need for high security vaults, armed bodyguards or begging for your life at knifepoint. That's not all! You can also use Gourd VPN to access varieties of gourd from all over the world, even when they don't usually grow in your climate. Want to grow cucumbers in drought season or bitter gourd in a snowstorm? Look no further than Gourd VPN for all your gourd-related needs. To grab this exclusive deal, just go to gourdvpn.com/asbestos4prez where you can get 0.05% off your three year subscription today. Gourd VPN: when there's a gourd, you're never bored! Terms and conditions apply. Ask your parents before going online. Why aren't we dead yet?

Ham: I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is those noises weren't the engine giving out. The bad news is that Stanley was keeping his homemade kombucha in your fridge and it just exploded everywhere. I found a mop, but it's made of steak. The fridge is also made of steak. Why is everything on your ship made of steak?

Asbestos: Look at that, Asbestos nation! Thanks to my powerful engineering skills, we didn't die! Can I get a W in the chat?

[chorus of Ls from chat]

Chat (diff voice): I still need to pee. 

Asbestos: Alright. We'll stop at the nearest town to recover from our near death experience. Most likely there will be a cafe we can visit. If the president's there, we can poison his soup! I love a good poisoning.

[cut to cafe]

Ham (on phone): Hey, mum! This is [bassoon sound effect]. I'm okay, I'm just at a diner with my friends.

[answering bassoon]

Stanley's here! You like Stanley!

[further bassoon]

Yes, they have gluten-free options.

[just unprecedented levels of bassoonery happening here]

No, I won't eat anything with potassium in it. Or olives. Or boiled plums. Or anything French. 

[bassoon]

Yes, I know goat liver is bad for your skin.

[irritated bassoon]

I'm sorry.

[scornful bassoon]

I'll definitely do it when I get home.

[disbelieving bassoon]

I know. I'm sorry.

[enquiring bassoon]

Hang on, I'll ask.

Asbestos, do you think you can drop me back home by five? It's really important.

Asbestos: Pass me the phone.

[glass smashing sound effect]

That's better!

Ham: Oh, my goodness gracious! For crying out loud, Asbestos Margaret Le Guin! What did you go and do that for?

Chat: Damn. He's so mad at you that he gave you a middle name! 

37. Asbestos

You should be thanking me. You know the government can track you on those things. I think I'll order the potassium, boiled plum, and goat liver special. Extra French, if you please.

Waitress: We're all outta French.

Asbestos: Belgian is fine.

Waitress: We're all outta Belgian!

Asbestos: Canadian?

Waitress: Don't come into my diner with your foul language!

Ham: Stanley, what are you planning on getting?

[harmonica noises]

Waitress: We're all outta [harmonica noises]!

Asbestos: Is there anything you do have?

Waitress: We can't afford ingredients because everyone's been paying us in political flyers!

Asbestos:  Let me see that!

(reading)

Bribera Berry for president 2024. A vote for Bribera is a vote to go in the draw to win one of five cars. 

How come I never thought of making pamphlets? No, too small. Posters. A billboard! Abraham, listen. I need my face plastered on every available surface. I need my name written in blinking lights 50 feet above the highway with a witty yet thought-provoking slogan such as "Asbestos Saves Lives!" or "Kids Love Asbestos!" I need to become the leading cause of traffic accidents in America because people were too busy looking at my sick sign to pay attention to the road!

Ham: I always got the impression you were too caught up in causing mass extinction events to ever show much interest in graphic design. 

Asbestos: You're right. Murder should have always been my priority, but I was distracted by the lure of political advertising, that sultry little minx. It may happen again. Now, where can we find this Barbara Barry? 

Waitress: She's doing a charity event to raise funds for the poor. I doubt they'll let you in.

Asbestos: Why not?

Waitress: It's only open to the very rich, the very famous and the very beautiful. You, on the other hand, are wearing a… What is that?

Asbestos (proudly): It's goth!

Waitress: It looks like a lung from an anti-smoking campaign. I didn't know those came in turquoise.

Asbestos: I got it on Temu! Me and my companions here are already the very famous and the very beautiful, but as for the very rich… Abraham! I need some fundraising solutions!

Ham: Start a lemonade stand. Found a pyramid scheme. Sell a few of your more redundant organs. Rob a bank. I don't care. Stanley, come with me. We're going home.

[scene change. they are outside now]

So that's the long and convoluted story of how I ended up working at this lemonade stand. Would you like a straw with that?

Passerby: Oh, I'm not buying. I was just making sure this here suspicious looking individual wasn't holding you hostage in violation of child labour laws and common human decency. 

Ham: I'm nineteen!

Passerby: Good job counting that high, kiddo. Are you sure you don't need me to call the police?

Asbestos: Lemonade! Lemonade! Come getcher ice cold legally acquired lemonade! Only fifty bucks a cup! Or more if you look like you have a lot of money. Hey, you! You're a sad and dehydrated individual. I'll give you half a lemon peel for the low low price of everything you've ever loved!

Passerby 2: Uh, I only have these Bribera Berry election fliers. Do you accept those as payment? This one is signed!

Asbestos: No the hell we do not, punk! Fuck your fliers! Besides, that signature is clearly forged.

Passerby 2: It is?!

Asbestos: New tactic. Pyramids! Pyramids! Come getcher ice cold legally acquired pyramids! And if you recruit two others to help us sell these, you win the chance to lose time and money!

Passerby 1: It's a deal! How many fliers for three pyramids?

Asbestos: None! We accept cash, we accept card, we don't accept excuses! New tactic. Organs! Organs! Come getcher ice-cold legally acquired organs! 

(quieter)

Abraham, you don't smoke or drink, right?

Passerby 2: I'll take his liver for fifty fliers!

Asbestos: Godammit. Well, I didn't want to do this (yes I did) but you've left me no choice (there are innumerable other choices that I'm discounting right now). There's one place in this town guaranteed to have money, and that's…

Ham: The swimming pool?

Asbestos: No.

Ham: The local kindergarten!

Asbestos: Nuh uh.

Ham: The library?

Asbestos: Are you kidding?

Ham: Um… Can I get a hint?

Wait, you don't mean- No no no, we're not doing this. Stanley, tell her to stop. Stanley!

[suspenseful music]

Trailer voiceover: This summer… Three friends will attempt the heist of the century, but only three will survive! Starring Asbestos Le Guin as a badboy with a sensitive side!

Asbestos: Robber? I hardly know 'er!

Trailer voiceover: Hamuel Burger as her quirky animal sidekick!

Ham: Please get me out of here! I don't want to go to jail!

Trailer voiceover: And Stanley Knife as a warrior space cowgirl! I'm not entirely sure how that fits in with the group's cover story, but he just seemed so excited to dress up that we didn't have the heart to say no. Garfield Five: The Beast Within! Coming to cinemas August 29th. Wait, that can't be the right title. Can I do a retake? 

[trailer music ends]

[scene change. we're at the bank.] 

Bank Teller: Welcome to the Bank of America, ma'am. Sir? Um, you with the shapely antennae. Would you like to make a deposit?

Asbestos: Yeah, I'm just having a slight issue. We actually came here to rob this bank, but I've cracked open every vault and there doesn't seem to be any money inside. Do you have any idea where we can find it? And I come from a noble warrior/poet race known as "the streamers". You may address me as such.

Bank Teller: Sorry, Mr. the Streamer, I'm afraid there's none left. Ever since Bribera Berry began her campaign, everyone in the town withdrew their life's savings to buy her political fliers. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but they've become a kind of de facto currency around here.

Asbestos: Oh, we've noticed. We've noticed. Thanks anyway.

This is it, chat. This is the end. What kind of a streamer am I if I can't even scam my way into a charity event to kill my opponent? Although I suppose I could try just blowing up the building from the outside… No, even the explosives in this town are probably made of fliers. What about sneaking in disguised as a waiter? No, my zest for life and optimistic outlook render me unable to make a convincing hospitality worker. Alright, I'm taking suggestions from the floor.

Chat: I think if you just keep killing people, eventually it'll all work out. #istandwithasbestos #asbestosdidnothingwrong 

Chat (diff voice): That's right, keep encouraging her. I'm taking bets on how deep of a hole she can dig herself into.

Chat (diff voice): 6 feet.

Chat (diff voice): 100 feet. 

Chat (diff voice): Hahahahaheeheehoohoo. You said feet.

Ham: Well, it was nice meeting you, but it looks like your presidential campaign has come to an end. No need to give us a lift back to Idaho, there's a bus we can catch that leaves in 15 minutes. Stanley and I wish you the best in your future endeavours. Goodbye forever!

[harmonica]

I'm not telling her that.

[harmonica]

No, stop encouraging her!

Asbestos: What is it?

Ham: Stanley was just remarking on how we left the diner without finishing our food. He's hungry, Asbestos! You're contributing to the harmful romanticisation of the starving artist by denying a growing boy his food!

Asbestos: It's unamerican to lie, Abraham Nothingburger. I see your famous nickname, "Honest Abe", was nothing but jest. I bet the thing about doing your homework on the back of a coal shovel was a falsehood as well! What about you is real, young man? Nothing? Nothing at all? You disappoint me. 

Ham: For the last time, my name isn't Abraham!

Asbestos: See? Even his name is a lie! I know your mother didn't raise you like this, kid. What did Stanley really say?

Ham: He didn't say anything!

Asbestos: That's interesting, because I distinctly heard royalty free jaunty harmonica sound effect 5 dot mp3. Are you telling me I was hallucinating?

[royalty free jaunty harmonica sound effect 5 dot mp3]

There it is again! Are you telling me that wasn't royalty free jaunty harmonica sound effect 5 dot mp3?

Ham: Fine. Stanley says that if the people in this town want fliers so much, we should just sell them fliers. 

Asbestos: Why the hell didn't I think of that? Fliers! Fliers! Come getcher ice-cold legally acquired fliers! 

[commotion]

Passerby 1: I'll take a thousand in exchange for my house, my dog, my dignity, half my lifespan… Nay, my whole lifespan, for my existence dwindles to nought in comparison to a signed, limited edition Bribera Berry flier!

Asbestos: I'll just take your money, if that's okay. Put that kidney back where it belongs! Ew! Ew! Stop trying to give me your firstborn children, this thing isn't even authentic! I forged the signature myself, see? It's written in glitter pen! I made eight spelling errors!

Passerby 1: Even better! Once Presidential Candidate Bribera Berry sees that I would lay down my life for the chance to grasp even a pale mockery of her grace, she shall surely reply to my fanmail! I've sent her three marriage proposals and still haven't heard back. Do you think they got lost in the mail?

Ham: They're buying the fliers faster than we can print them! The copy machine almost tore my arm off!

Asbestos: Well, put a bandaid on the stump and keep working! If you have time to bleed, you have time to fuel capitalist greed!

Herald: Make way! Make way! I come bearing a message from her supreme graciousness lady Bribera Berry of the United States! Are you disgraced streamer Asbestos le Guin? Ah, you must be. I can tell from your swagless aura and general lack of redeeming qualities. The lady Bribera has heard that, despite being her greatest rival in this race to kill the- I mean, become the president, you have been handing out political fliers endorsing her for the position. She just thinks it's so nice to see women in politics supporting each other and invites you to attend her charity event so that you may speak face to face. 

Asbestos: Women in politics? Women in politics? I'm a woman in severe mental distress and a man badly in need of a drink. Abraham! Fetch me my apple juice!

Ham: Would you like ice with that?

Asbestos: And a little umbrella. I'm feeling distinctly tropical.

Credits

Asbestos: Podcast! Podcast! Come get your ice cold legally acquired podcast! May contain traces of lemons squeezed by Bulk, a bucket of sugar poured in by Spikes, a few cups of water added by Rawlyx, ice cubes frozen by Devyn Boer, a bottle of three in one shampoo snuck in by Lumi Oakes, a few teeth lost by Dan Mac, ten drops of red dye 40 contributed by N. V. May, and the last remaining scrap of hope for humanity that Maddie Girouard possessed. The Asbestos Le Guin corporation will not be held liable for any deaths resulting from the consumption of this fun and fizzy beverage. Drink at your own risk.

[asbestos4president]

ep 3 tomorrow 👀

finished my last uni assignment (ever??) so will get to work editing ep 3 with the hopes of getting it out this month! everything is beautiful/nothing hurts.

[asbestos4president]

finished my last uni assignment (ever??) so will get to work editing ep 3 with the hopes of getting it out this month! everything is beautiful/nothing hurts.

[asbestos4president]

I don't even know what to reply to this one because frankly that's exactly the kind of plot I'd write. Do you want a job? You can take my job.

is joe biden going to do something about me waking up at 3am. writing down a note for the pod. finding it again 3 months later and having no idea what the hell i was talking about

bonus untitled bean poem

[asbestos4president]

happy october, fellow horror podcasts

[asbestos4president]

is joe biden going to do something about me waking up at 3am. writing down a note for the pod. finding it again 3 months later and having no idea what the hell i was talking about

bonus untitled bean poem

[asbestos4president]

Ham RSS: https://anchor.fm/s/f6c1414c/podcast/rss

Audiodrama Sunday 9/29/2024

I laughed a lot this week, there were a bunch of new episodes of comedies. So much good stuff!

@asbestos4president/Hamuel Burger and the American Dream is back! New ham! The alien imposter transgender president gambit was so funny! Everyone in this universe is completely insane I love it. Patricia is totally Asbestos’ ex! Cannot wait for more of this show. I just wish I could find an RSS feed, it's annoying having to use Spotify.

@storiesfromylelmore was so good! Keryth discovering you can marry your friends was incredible, the hard cut to the detective roleplay was perfect, easily distractible detective Keryth is so much fun, and Keryth's mom popped the fuck off. The noir mystery shell actually works really well for a middle school love letter plot. It's always the dame. I think this was my favorite episode of this show yet but it might just be recency bias.

In Starwhal Odyssey, the collaborative worldbuilding of the history of the setting was very cool. I love it when APs do things like that. The system they're playtesting seems neat, clear inspiration from the Star Wars RPG.

Spout Lore had a very cool episode. The spider and the hummingbird is easily one of my favorite moments of the show I’m glad they’re calling back to it. We also finally learn what's at the center of Tuk's recurring nightmare... and it's a guy in a tracksuit.

In @worldgonewrongpod we learned about the faceless diners and the black eyed children. The children were actually very creepy. I love how all the episodic worldbuilding in this show is starting to come together to form a complete setting.

Mission Rejected - D&D episode! So many D&D references. I loved Bowden predicting all of the villains lines. The EMF really can’t get rid of all the mind control tech. This show has a shockingly cohesive overarching plot for a episodic parody of spy tropes.

In Second Fiddles this week, Tammy is still drinking the box wine! She's still here they just can’t perceive her! Excited to see how this develops.